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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toxic friendship with no filter at all

86 replies

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 11:47

I am having one of those weeks, and this is just the final straw, I need to know if I am being U.

Old friend (30 years of friendship, which is why I am posting) I have struggled to stay friends with her over the last few years, and it has come to a head now.

When we meet up (pre covid) she just talks endlessly about herself and her problems, and she shows very very little interest in my life. Fine I can live with that if I don't see her too often, but it has made dread our get togethers.

Her dc are awful to mine - fine, I have taken dc out of the equation but she is unhappy about it, as she wants to do stuff with kids, and is annoyed that it has stopped.
She doesn't bother sending any birthday gifts etc to my dc but expects to me to ensure her dc have presents on time and on their birthdays by post, assuming I can't turn up in person, but she does not feel any need to do the same for my dc. My dc usually wait six months minimum.
To me the friendship just feels very unequal and if I am honest completely one sided, and has done for a very long time. I have put it up with it, because it is an old friendship, and one I thought/hoped would last to old age. I cherish my friends, this is not an easy decision.

But the worst part for me is that she sends me endless photos of herself pouting (she is nearly 50) bragging on holiday in different parts of Europe even in the lockdown, the new boyfriends and smug smiles. I am not on SM and hate that kind of thing, to me the endless bragging is really horrible.

I am really happy she is happy, and pleased she is having fun - but I don't need the constant photo evidence. She is always saying how blessed she is about different things, I wouldn't mind too much usually but the messages and photos were continuing when I was just out of hospital being wheeled to the car, when someone close to me died from suicide and moments like that. They are all about her, and are utterly tone deaf to my situation. Mostly she doesn't even ask how I am, and I just get captions of her latest 'happy' 'romantic' 'blessed' moment.

So I asked her (gently) to stop eight months ago, she agreed and understood or so I thought, but then she just ignored it, and carried on anyway! It started up again.
I was supposed to be 'happy for her' and she thought her photos would 'make me smile on the inside' yes she actually said that!
So I asked again, please stop I am not in the mood for constant spamming with photos. I am recovering from surgery at the moment, and I feel it is insensitive at best, considering she didn't even ask I am!

I have decided to end this friendship.
I just feel she doesn't care at all about me, I am a trophy friend to her, thats it. Someone to brag to, or about depending on where we are. She is just not a nice person anymore.

I am not feeling my best, and I want to avoid making a permanent mistake, but distancing isn't working, she hasn't listened or respected anything I have said to date. I have finally had enough.

OP posts:

FrancoBranco · 07/11/2020 11:50

She doesn't sound like a friend at all, just someone you're accustomed to accommodating.

Don't feel bad about letting the friendship go, she has been very rude to you.

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 11:55

She used to be a very good friend to me, and we used to have great times together. It is only really in the last few years seeing her has become something I have to prepare for, because it is so draining, she considers me to be one of her closest/her best friend. Even reading my own post it doesn't seem like it though does it! Thanks fran

OP posts:

Lsquiggles · 07/11/2020 11:56

You may cherish your friends but she clearly doesn't cherish you in return

SpeccyLime · 07/11/2020 12:00

She sounds awful, honestly. You’re doing the right thing - there’s no point cherishing someone for old time’s sake when they no longer bring anything positive to your life.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/11/2020 12:03

she considers me to be one of her closest/her best friend

Her definition of friend isn't the same as yours though, or at least not now it isn't. It's morphed into you being someone she can boast to, whinge to, and generally accept that she is higher in the pecking order than you are.

This isn't the friendship that it was however many years ago. So you're not letting go of 'that' friendship but the one it's become. Walk away with a clear conscience.

SugarCoatIt · 07/11/2020 12:03

OP, I've let go of all the toxic friendships in my life, and I have to say that whilst it was hard, and upsetting, now that I'm over it, I am in a much happier, positive place.

I surround myself with positive people, and feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Sometimes, you don't realise how much people drag you down.

Your friend sounds very self absorbed.

Your decision won't come without an element of sadness and mourning, but life's to short for people who take too much and give too little in return.

SugarCoatIt · 07/11/2020 12:04

@feedingthebirds1 makes excellent points

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 12:05

It hurts to call it a day with her but I have to

She stopped investing a long time ago, and continues to demand that I carry on. She brings nothing now to our friendship, but assumes she doesn't have to, perhaps because it is such an old friendship she can take me for granted perhaps?

OP posts:

misskatamari · 07/11/2020 12:10

Ugh, she sounds like an awful friend. I know it's sad to end any friendship, but you will feel a million times better with her out of your life, i'm sure

TheTangoTerrorIsTerrifying · 07/11/2020 12:11

Your title says it all OP, you know what you have to do which is end the friendship now. She brings nothing to your life at all but stress and she uses you as someone she can brag to. You will be much better off without her.
It might hurt to call it a day but just think how much hurt she is causing you now.

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 12:11

Yes feeding her definition of friendship is very different from mine. I am not sure how I ended up being the Junior Partner, it just happened over time. Some sense of superiority crept in a long the way.

I often think the photos are about her showing me, proving to me how well she is doing, but really I just prefer proper connection, the truth rather than the bragging, time together should be jointly energising and fulfilling and not me being an unpaid therapist, and then going home wondering why she didn't even ask about a single question about my life in the six hours we were together.

OP posts:

the80sweregreat · 07/11/2020 12:19

Dump her. You'll feel better for it. Honestly.
She isn't a true friend.

WildfirePonie · 07/11/2020 12:21

Dump and block. Sigh of relief and move on. She is selfish and using you to make herself feel better.

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 12:25

sugar did ending your friendships hurt like hell, I have cried this morning and I very rarely cry!

How did you feel better about it, I feel seriously sad about it. I know she was rubbish and selfish, but she has been a part of my life since I was a teen.

OP posts:

Baggingarea · 07/11/2020 12:29

Op your friend is taking you for granted (but you know that). I would stop responding for a bit / stop presents for DC and see if that gives her a nudge into being a better friend.

NoraEphronsNeck · 07/11/2020 12:30

I had a friendship like this, which ended about 15 years ago and I still have moments of sadness about it as we'd been friends since high school for over 30 years.

But it was for the best in the long run as it was so draining.

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 12:46

bagging I did that a year ago, I distanced a little and just sent cards, and said I would see them with the presents the next time, she sent me a message to say dc were sad they didn't get a present from us but she didn't seem to care that my dc have pretty much had that situation for the last decade. I felt she was pulling me up on not having the presents there, no sense that it was a bit rich given that she never worries about my dc.

I left it, and didn't really respond. Put off seeing her over the summer, and then she really started to insist we meet with dc in the last few weeks. I don't want to see her. Her dc are horrible to mine, my dc refuse to go now, and I feel totally drained by them all by the end, and can't wait to come home!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 12:50

I actually don't think she will ever be a better friend, because she priorities herself over all else all of the time, regardless. I am not sure she is even aware of how she might be a better friend, nor the inclination if she can get away with it.

OP posts:

Baggingarea · 07/11/2020 13:55

@Ihaveyourback did you explain why you'd withdrawn from the friendship? If you did and she's still being selfish I think you're right to cut her off. Some people are just take take take sadly.

nosswith · 07/11/2020 14:10

I think you have done the right thing, painful though it is.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/11/2020 14:26

YANBU

The friendship is very one-sided and doesn't make you feel good.

Friendships can evolve over time but they should at a minimum be supportive and nurturing. Someone who bangs on about their own problems and issues endlessly with no filter and no sense of appropriateness isn't helping you in any way.

Life is too short to keep people in your life out of obligation or a sense of nostalgia.

Fuckityfucksake · 07/11/2020 15:04

It's the right thing to do OP
Who needs friends like that.
I'd tell her I was done and why but that's me and I appreciate not everyone would want to do that.

Gifgif · 07/11/2020 15:11

What email do you use? Can you just block her?(more difficult in gmail). She's not listening to you in your time of need, so have no qualms looking after yourself and blocking it not replying. I think this second lockdown is an excellent time to lose the rubbish friendships in our lives.

Gifgif · 07/11/2020 15:11

blocking or not replying

Original poster

Ihaveyourback · 07/11/2020 15:31

bag I did explain, I have done three times now about all of it. She seems to take the points on board and then disregards them later.

Is this is a thing sending through photos saying how gloriously happy you are with photos of yourself? None of my other friends have done this, ever. They may send a photo of a child's party, a cake they have made or pictures of the kids looking cute, dogs etc. All of that I love to see, but we are nearly 50 so pictures of us pulling the pouts with glasses of fizz with hashtags saying how good life is tonight is not something I have come across before within my friendship groups. We are forever moaning about our teens posting stuff like that in a good humoured way, but none of us would actually do it ourselves. It seems very narcissistic to me.

OP posts:

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