Toxic friendship with no filter at all

[Ihaveyourback]

I am having one of those weeks, and this is just the final straw, I need to know if I am being U.

Old friend (30 years of friendship, which is why I am posting) I have struggled to stay friends with her over the last few years, and it has come to a head now.

When we meet up (pre covid) she just talks endlessly about herself and her problems, and she shows very very little interest in my life. Fine I can live with that if I don't see her too often, but it has made dread our get togethers.

Her dc are awful to mine - fine, I have taken dc out of the equation but she is unhappy about it, as she wants to do stuff with kids, and is annoyed that it has stopped.
She doesn't bother sending any birthday gifts etc to my dc but expects to me to ensure her dc have presents on time and on their birthdays by post, assuming I can't turn up in person, but she does not feel any need to do the same for my dc. My dc usually wait six months minimum.
To me the friendship just feels very unequal and if I am honest completely one sided, and has done for a very long time. I have put it up with it, because it is an old friendship, and one I thought/hoped would last to old age. I cherish my friends, this is not an easy decision.

But the worst part for me is that she sends me endless photos of herself pouting (she is nearly 50) bragging on holiday in different parts of Europe even in the lockdown, the new boyfriends and smug smiles. I am not on SM and hate that kind of thing, to me the endless bragging is really horrible.

I am really happy she is happy, and pleased she is having fun - but I don't need the constant photo evidence. She is always saying how blessed she is about different things, I wouldn't mind too much usually but the messages and photos were continuing when I was just out of hospital being wheeled to the car, when someone close to me died from suicide and moments like that. They are all about her, and are utterly tone deaf to my situation. Mostly she doesn't even ask how I am, and I just get captions of her latest 'happy' 'romantic' 'blessed' moment.

So I asked her (gently) to stop eight months ago, she agreed and understood or so I thought, but then she just ignored it, and carried on anyway! It started up again.
I was supposed to be 'happy for her' and she thought her photos would 'make me smile on the inside' yes she actually said that!
So I asked again, please stop I am not in the mood for constant spamming with photos. I am recovering from surgery at the moment, and I feel it is insensitive at best, considering she didn't even ask I am!

I have decided to end this friendship.
I just feel she doesn't care at all about me, I am a trophy friend to her, thats it. Someone to brag to, or about depending on where we are. She is just not a nice person anymore.

I am not feeling my best, and I want to avoid making a permanent mistake, but distancing isn't working, she hasn't listened or respected anything I have said to date. I have finally had enough.

I did this with two toxic friends a few years ago who were both my second DS's godmothers and I had known them since I was a teenager.

They constantly criticised and undermined me, bitched about me behind my back, they even spoilt my engagement party by loudly exclaiming that I was only interested in the ring.

They have both become nasty, right wing racists and one of them is an embarrassment because she drinks so much and does things like pretend pole dances in pubs in front of young men who just want to die of horror. She's 53!

The other screamed and screamed at her DS so violently in front of my DD that she begged to go home and we packed our bags and left. (He asked to watch a DVD).

I realised that just because it was fun to go out drinking and clubbing with them as a teenager in the 80s, I didn't have to be friends with them now.

I occasionally get drunken texts from unknown numbers telling me I've thrown 40 years of friendship away but they just remind me I've done the right thing.

You don't owe her anything. Dump her.

Hope you feel ok. She sounds very draining. Let it fizzle out. A few of mine ran their course I was always doing the chasing.. she doesnt sound a nice friend

Not wanting to continue the friendship seems reasonable and It's normal to be upset when a friendship ends. Can you tell her you are no longer interested in maintaining it, or are you just withdrawing from it? I think ghosting someone can be more hurtful than being told the truth.

kicking I am not surprised you called it a day with them! They sound truly awful. Easy decision to make I would imagine!

Your broader point is correct people don't always stay the same, they change and not always for the better.

"......I think ghosting someone can be more hurtful than being told the truth."

The "friend" has no self awareness.
The OP has told her (nicely) how she is made to feel by the constant boasting and general selfishness.
She appears to take it on board then reverts back to "It's all about me and mine."
Personally I'd just quietly slip away.

The past is one thing, the present is another. People can change radically over time, or their situations bring out different sides of them.

The length of this "friendship" is absolutely no reason to drag it out when your "friend" has clearly been being nasty to you for some time, and won't make any effort to change even when you explain how you feel.

You may well grieve for the friendship you used to have, and feel sad about that. But then, it sounds like you're already grieving about that, because that time is gone. Time to draw a line under it so that you can move on properly.

It won't be ghosting I think as OP has given a few official written warnings.

I found myself in a strange situation a couple of years back with a friend. She would say ridiculous boastful things while putting me down at the same time. She would set me up with questions so she could shoot me down. Yet I couldn't extract myself from the friendship. I didn't speak up. It was a lonely time in my life , I wanted to leave it, but I kept being drawn back in. She wasn't horrible 90% of the time, she wasn't draining me all the time, so I put up with it.

I kind of flipped one day when she was trying to control a day out too much. I ended up looking like a right idiot and I walked off telling her how rude she had been. In fact, in that moment I looked the rude unhinged one. It had just built up so much.

I wish I had kept my dignity and just backed off permanently but quietly and had been too "busy" to see her.

@Ihaveyourback

kicking I am not surprised you called it a day with them! They sound truly awful. Easy decision to make I would imagine!

Your broader point is correct people don't always stay the same, they change and not always for the better.

Yes people change - it's a bit like putting up with horrible relatives as if there's some obligation - but we don't have to.

I would usually say be honest with her and if she's a good friend you will work it out but it sounds like you have.

The other thing would be to completely ignore the photos or say "I'm fine thanks, how are you?" I did that with someone who kept messaging me at work asking me for favours without even saying hi or asking how I am!

@Ihaveyourback

sugar did ending your friendships hurt like hell, I have cried this morning and I very rarely cry!

How did you feel better about it, I feel seriously sad about it. I know she was rubbish and selfish, but she has been a part of my life since I was a teen.

Maybe you’re grieving having to accept that the actual friendship ended a long time ago?

@ihaveyourback you will be doing the right thing in ending it, no matter how old a friendship it is.

I ended a 40+ year close friendship a couple of years ago. She had slowly changed, becoming more prickly & judgemental over the years. She seemed to want to puncture my enthusiasm about anything positive happening in my life. She started being really critical of my life, my family & my personality. I seemed to irritate her intensely.

I tried to distance but she ‘insisted’ we meet every week & I dreaded it.

In the end I wrote her a letter explaining why I was ending the friendship, trying not to be too critical but stating instances of conflict & repeating back to her something she had said to me that ‘we didn’t have much in common any more’.

I’m not proud of writing rather than telling her to her face but I was afraid that it would get angry & nasty.
She did reply acknowledging the ending of our friendship.

My initial feeling was extreme relief, but even now, years later I do still grieve the loss of what our friendship was when it was good, when we had an amazing time together & I expect I always will.
But in the end it turned toxic & would have badly affected my confidence.

Do it! To save your sanity. It's so difficult when it's been such a long relationship!

OR,

Either give it absolutely one last chance....

Along the lines of... X number of years ago, I loved our friendship... You were x, y and z.

As you know, over the last few years... I've become increasingly upset and distressed seeing you, as I find, for some reason you've become increasingly self-obsesssd. Despite several conversations when I communicated this. However, you've continued to do x, y and z. For example when I was returning from hospital you didn't ONCE ask how I was. Preferring to spam me with further selfies... This happened again when my friend died. This makes me feel you have no interest in my life, or me.
I really don't want to end our friendship but will have to do this, for my mental health, unless you return to how you were.

It feels that our friendship is completely one way... Reciprocity is crucial. A minor example... You hassle me to send your children birthday and Christmas presents and for them to arrive in specific days.... You haven't once given my children gifts. HOW can this be OK?

I would have no hesitation in cutting her out of my life just because you know her a long time.

I'm not too sure about FB but maybe you could mute her posts so that you don't see them.
I think, though, that the time has come to cut her out entirely.
She's feeding off you but not giving anything back.
Do you feel that you could block her entirely?
I had to do this but it was before social media. I just wouldn't answer the phone when her number came up.
Our children hated each other and they resented afternoons together. I'm embarrassed to say that my husband intervened and said "no more."
He hated how despondent I was after our nearly hour long conversations , two or three times a week, whereby she complained about her life and how she needed my help.
I felt awful but I couldn't take it any longer , particularly as she wouldn't accept any advice.
Mutual friends felt the same.

You need to remove her from your life and don't look back.

I did try slipping away quietly, really tried, but she started to badger me for dates to meet, it became obvious that it was not going to be a way out. She would continue to ask for meet ups, and didn't pick up any of the hints at all. My preferred route is always to fade slowly away so I don't hurt anyones feelings.

I talked to her openly and honestly about how it feels to be on the receiving end of her insta life, but to not know any of the real stuff, that the friendship becomes a fake battleground of oneupmanship that I could not be part of.
Three times I raised it with her directly. I tried to give her every chance to just stop being that way. I really thought the last time she understood, but no, she carried on insisting I must be happy and appreciate her life through endless selfies. This did not feel remotely comfortable to me, it felt very pushy and weird. I would find myself responding with I am fine thank you - how are you? On more than one occasion. And she would immediately reply with a screen shot of a message she sent me four weeks ago asking me how I am, and this was all about her this time, and I need to be happy for her. It all became so dysfunctional and messed up.

So I choose yesterday to tell her that she had not listened to me, does not appear to respect any of my wishes (she still calls me a nickname from childhood that I can not stand, and find triggering because that is 'real me' apparently - I have told her for many years not to) I told her I could not continue a friendship that was clearly so one sided, and I wish her well.

She went nuclear.

A ranting message telling me I have no idea what she is going through and listing a long list of major emotional stuff, ranging from a dodgy smear that may be cancer to a massive fall out with her Dad, the whole works, her nan (that she has never met) dying, her work load is unbearable and how she is only just about coping, and how dare I message her with this.

I am stunned, mortified, and have no idea how to respond.

What do I say?

Don't say anything, OP.
You'll just prolong the break up or end up having to support her again.
You don't want that.
Leave her be. Block her in the next few days if you can't do it today.
You've done your best. You don't have to be in a relationship with anyone who makes you unhappy.
She won't change. It's all about the drama and self satisfaction for her.

Sadly there are a kid of people like your ‘friend’. You’re doing the right thing.

Lot

I think it’s best to not reply any further. She makes every situation about her so whatever else you say will not be listened to.
I can’t believe you stayed ‘friends’ with someone who insisted on calling you a nickname you hate. Don’t put up with any more of her nonsense.
Run for the hills and reclaim your life.

Run for the hills and reclaim your life.

Great advice from TheTangoTerrorisTerrifying

I went NC with a friend who I had known for 20+ years, last year.

It took me a couple of goes to really let it all go but she is now blocked on absolutely everything, I've moved so she doesn't have my address now either.
And honestly it's such a relief. I don't regret it at all.

When a life long friend had been diagnosed with terminal cancer the day before her reply was "oh no. Me and DD are going to New York for her 15th in March!"

And of course all her life's problems are friendship/relationship issues (and there's many) are everyone else's fault and never hers.

Utterly exhausting.

It doesn't matter how long the friendship is, the relief will be immense.

Block her

OP a long while ago now I was in exactly the same position as you. It was really horrible at the time, and she didn't take it well, but it was the best thing I did.
It's different if a friend is going through a difficult patch, and so needs a lot of attention at that time, but when a friendship turns from a happy, balanced one, into one where you're permanently being almost used to make them feel better about themselves, it's no longer a friendship.

"Her definition of friend isn't the same as yours though, or at least not now it isn't. It's morphed into you being someone she can boast to, whinge to, and generally accept that she is higher in the pecking order than you are.

This isn't the friendship that it was however many years ago. So you're not letting go of 'that' friendship but the one it's become. Walk away with a clear conscience."

This.
All the best.