Toxic friendship with no filter at all

[Ihaveyourback]

I am having one of those weeks, and this is just the final straw, I need to know if I am being U.

Old friend (30 years of friendship, which is why I am posting) I have struggled to stay friends with her over the last few years, and it has come to a head now.

When we meet up (pre covid) she just talks endlessly about herself and her problems, and she shows very very little interest in my life. Fine I can live with that if I don't see her too often, but it has made dread our get togethers.

Her dc are awful to mine - fine, I have taken dc out of the equation but she is unhappy about it, as she wants to do stuff with kids, and is annoyed that it has stopped.
She doesn't bother sending any birthday gifts etc to my dc but expects to me to ensure her dc have presents on time and on their birthdays by post, assuming I can't turn up in person, but she does not feel any need to do the same for my dc. My dc usually wait six months minimum.
To me the friendship just feels very unequal and if I am honest completely one sided, and has done for a very long time. I have put it up with it, because it is an old friendship, and one I thought/hoped would last to old age. I cherish my friends, this is not an easy decision.

But the worst part for me is that she sends me endless photos of herself pouting (she is nearly 50) bragging on holiday in different parts of Europe even in the lockdown, the new boyfriends and smug smiles. I am not on SM and hate that kind of thing, to me the endless bragging is really horrible.

I am really happy she is happy, and pleased she is having fun - but I don't need the constant photo evidence. She is always saying how blessed she is about different things, I wouldn't mind too much usually but the messages and photos were continuing when I was just out of hospital being wheeled to the car, when someone close to me died from suicide and moments like that. They are all about her, and are utterly tone deaf to my situation. Mostly she doesn't even ask how I am, and I just get captions of her latest 'happy' 'romantic' 'blessed' moment.

So I asked her (gently) to stop eight months ago, she agreed and understood or so I thought, but then she just ignored it, and carried on anyway! It started up again.
I was supposed to be 'happy for her' and she thought her photos would 'make me smile on the inside' yes she actually said that!
So I asked again, please stop I am not in the mood for constant spamming with photos. I am recovering from surgery at the moment, and I feel it is insensitive at best, considering she didn't even ask I am!

I have decided to end this friendship.
I just feel she doesn't care at all about me, I am a trophy friend to her, thats it. Someone to brag to, or about depending on where we are. She is just not a nice person anymore.

I am not feeling my best, and I want to avoid making a permanent mistake, but distancing isn't working, she hasn't listened or respected anything I have said to date. I have finally had enough.

Life is too short to give time to people like her OP. Don't feel bad about cutting her off.

There is a subtle but very important difference between a friendship being valuable because it is long-standing, and a friendship being long-standing because it is valuable. The length of the friendship should always be based on its value rather than the other way around. Your ‘friend’ has made the length of the friendship her universal get-out clause.

The abnormal smear will almost certainly be an exaggeration, if not an outright lie. I was in a similar situation with a now ex-friend who accused me of having a go at him and upsetting him when he’d ‘just had an operation’. The so-called operation was an elective biopsy, and the conversation he was referring to took place when we were in the pub, at his suggestion, straight afterwards. From the way he later twisted it you’d think I’d stormed into the ICU and ripped out his drip.

still yes I think the longevity for her meant I would never walk, never contest anything will take whatever scraps she was willing to give me.

I don't think she ever expected me to end our friendship - she had sailed through many times before this not having to change a thing.

It is startling that I don't miss her at all. I feel relief that I don't need to worry about christmas, and presents and my dc pleading not to see them. I feel rather liberated from all of it! No longer my problem. I am kind of expecting her to get back in touch. I have seen this moment coming for a long time, and built up my own network of solid and good friends, I don't need her - I don't need all the crap she brings into my life - I am free!

Your kids plead not to see them! That is dreadful. You have certainly done the right thing but you should’ve done it a long time ago.

Just disengage completely as she’s not a friend, she is emotionally manipulative, she’s almost abusive, so do not feel any guilt whatsoever.

And I bet she’s lying about the smear test and everything else which is very sad and tragic.

Well done OP, you've taken the right step.

Would you believe me if I said her behavior's born of jealousy? She keeps throwing all her achievements in your face because she wants you to feel envy as this is what she feels.

I get the same with my sister. She once peppered a Xmas- day 'thank you for your present' conversation with details of all the gifts her friends had bought her for her upcoming trip to Australia. She must have said the name of the country ten times in five mins. I was supposed to be jealous and fawn all over her, instead I didn't react.

Yet she's the one with marriage, career, high salary. It's all very sad really.

I think the longevity for her meant I would never walk, never contest anything will take whatever scraps she was willing to give me.
I don't think she ever expected me to end our friendship - she had sailed through many times before this not having to change a thing.

Yep, all sounds familiar. After the final fall-out in my case, I got a breezy voicemail a few days later (blocked numbers go straight to voicemail) saying he hoped I was over our ‘little spat’ with an offhand laugh, before a long message about his day as if nothing had happened. I don’t think he believed for a second that it was really over.

She doesn't bother sending any birthday gifts etc to my dc but expects to me to ensure her dc have presents on time and on their birthdays by post, assuming I can't turn up in person, but she does not feel any need to do the same for my dc.

God she sounds awful!!

I would have dumped her sorry ass just for the above. She's just using you.

I also (sometimes slowly, sometimes abruptly) separated myself from toxic friends who are negative all the time (they haven't done their inner work). I only want positive people in my life. I have that now and it's great! Life is good (despite the dreaded lurgy hanging around).

All the best OP.

time You could be right her last few texts were very angry telling me I lived in a great house, have a lovely life - despite my (significant) health problems and why would I be anything other than happy that she has the same? I am happy for her, but I don't need it rammed down my throat when I am in hospital.

The point is she was doing our lives a disservice. Neither is true, our lives are not rose gardens. They are often peppered very serious health issues, problems with teenagers and all the rest. The very fact she felt the need to compare our lives at all was very telling.

It is not important to me how much money we each do or don't have.
Money is transient.

I wanted to be a good friend to her, I wanted to enjoy our memories and make new ones. To share happy times, to share our lives. That is it. Not to be part of an arms race of who is doing better.

Ifly I am having a spring clean myself, and now have fewer but better friends. I am a forgiving person, and I can pretty much get over most things if the friendship is equal, balanced and positive. When it has become this dysfunctional it has to end. I have enough to deal with.

@Ihaveyourback - there's your answer then, pure, simple jealousy. Part of me would be very tempted to fight fire with fire - get your lounge looking fabulous and send her a photo, buy a bottle of expensive champagne and send her a photo of you with a glass (with bottle in the background) with the caption 'enjoying the good life' etc, but tbh I couldn't be bothered. Just be glad she's no longer in your life, as had as that is to acknowledge.

@Ihaveyourback and that’s how you know you’ve made the right decision. She was draining your energy, you’ll be happier now.