Toxic friendship with no filter at all

[Ihaveyourback]

I am having one of those weeks, and this is just the final straw, I need to know if I am being U.

Old friend (30 years of friendship, which is why I am posting) I have struggled to stay friends with her over the last few years, and it has come to a head now.

When we meet up (pre covid) she just talks endlessly about herself and her problems, and she shows very very little interest in my life. Fine I can live with that if I don't see her too often, but it has made dread our get togethers.

Her dc are awful to mine - fine, I have taken dc out of the equation but she is unhappy about it, as she wants to do stuff with kids, and is annoyed that it has stopped.
She doesn't bother sending any birthday gifts etc to my dc but expects to me to ensure her dc have presents on time and on their birthdays by post, assuming I can't turn up in person, but she does not feel any need to do the same for my dc. My dc usually wait six months minimum.
To me the friendship just feels very unequal and if I am honest completely one sided, and has done for a very long time. I have put it up with it, because it is an old friendship, and one I thought/hoped would last to old age. I cherish my friends, this is not an easy decision.

But the worst part for me is that she sends me endless photos of herself pouting (she is nearly 50) bragging on holiday in different parts of Europe even in the lockdown, the new boyfriends and smug smiles. I am not on SM and hate that kind of thing, to me the endless bragging is really horrible.

I am really happy she is happy, and pleased she is having fun - but I don't need the constant photo evidence. She is always saying how blessed she is about different things, I wouldn't mind too much usually but the messages and photos were continuing when I was just out of hospital being wheeled to the car, when someone close to me died from suicide and moments like that. They are all about her, and are utterly tone deaf to my situation. Mostly she doesn't even ask how I am, and I just get captions of her latest 'happy' 'romantic' 'blessed' moment.

So I asked her (gently) to stop eight months ago, she agreed and understood or so I thought, but then she just ignored it, and carried on anyway! It started up again.
I was supposed to be 'happy for her' and she thought her photos would 'make me smile on the inside' yes she actually said that!
So I asked again, please stop I am not in the mood for constant spamming with photos. I am recovering from surgery at the moment, and I feel it is insensitive at best, considering she didn't even ask I am!

I have decided to end this friendship.
I just feel she doesn't care at all about me, I am a trophy friend to her, thats it. Someone to brag to, or about depending on where we are. She is just not a nice person anymore.

I am not feeling my best, and I want to avoid making a permanent mistake, but distancing isn't working, she hasn't listened or respected anything I have said to date. I have finally had enough.

OP, this woman is a textbook screaming narcissist to rival Donald Trump! It’s all “me, me, me!”
You cannot have a friendship with such people, you can only fill the role of adoring subservient fan and supplier of ego massage.
She has absolutely shown you who she is with her unhinged reply. It is pure narcissistic rage that her servant has dared to hand in her notice.

This should reassure you that you have definitely done the right thing.
Now breathe a sigh of relief (much like the USA is probably collectively doing!) at your freedom from this toxic person, and start enjoying time with your family and more normal friends.

I am now worrying given her smear test is abnormal that I should be supporting her, that whatever concerns I have should be put to one side given how serious this could be.

It will almost certainly be fine, I had the same and had laser treatment and part of my cervix removed, it wasn't pleasant. She was on holiday at the time, so she doesn't even remember it I don't think. But she might be the exception, and I would awful that I was not there for her.

Given the reason for my message was after a string of boastful lucky me photos on Friday - I am not sure why instead of sending these stupid photos of herself, why she wasn't on the phone or messaging me about this????? She tells me her life is in tatters, but on Friday she was telling me how amazing everything is, and lucky her for having the best boyfriend in the world etc, NO WORD at all about cells or smears, or nan dying. Not one word.

What I meant to make of this.

*am

I feel like it is emotional blackmail you can't leave because I might have cancer. It feels manipulative. Surely she should have said something before, and this is my whole point. I can never get to what is actually happening, because she presents a wall of utopia instead of telling the truth.

She's just proven exactly why you've stepped away. You don't need to feel guilty for not supporting her her through her issues because actually she doesn't want you to - if she did she'd have told you sooner.

You're exactly right, it's manipulative. Stand firm, I'm sure she was once but now she's not your friend.

OP, I really feel for you. However, given the latest string of photos, do you think that perhaps this "dodgy smear" could be a lie, a way of hooking you back in?

You have done the most difficult part. Now you need to build up other things in your life to fill that space. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that your kids will have a much better time. Use some of the money you might have spent on her DC on a treat for you & yours.

My analogy is that these sort of toxic relationships are a bit like a wound. Of their own accord they will scab over, then the scab dries and in time falls off. For a while you can see the mark of the new skin but that too fades. The scab is forming for you. Don't pick at it or you will be back to square one. Even when it is really itchy, be strong and disciplined. Enjoy massaging something nice into that new skin when it shows. Best of luck and stay strong. You deserve so much better.

@Ihaveyourback

I feel like it is emotional blackmail you can't leave because I might have cancer. It feels manipulative. Surely she should have said something before, and this is my whole point. I can never get to what is actually happening, because she presents a wall of utopia instead of telling the truth.

OP,

She is not your friend in any shape or form.

All you share is history.
Certainly not a friendship.

She likes to use you.
It really is that simple.

You have allowed her to trample over your boundaries for years and she has absolutely no respect for you.

Now she is like a toddler having a fit because you have decided you are done.

Do not respond to her attempt to manipulate you.
Block her.

How you allow someone who is so awful access to your life for years is unbelievable.

End it.
Block her.

Don't give her a second thought.

Your children have the measure of her and her children, yet you still allowed her to treat you so badly.

Demanding gifts should have been a big clue.

Do not enter into ANY further dialogue.

Blocker her.

Unless of course you want another couple of years of the same.

The choice is your own.

Modeling some self respect would be obviously good for your children.

They appear to have better boundaries than you do.

You don't HAVE to be friends with someone just because you share history with them.

You have a CHOICE here.

You are absolutely right that it's emotional blackmail.

What a horrible, toxic. bullying reply she has sent to you.

It's absolutely textbook for this kind of person (she really does sound narcissistic) to play the "poor me, I'm TERRIBLY ILL so you have to pander to my every whim" card whenever anyone tries to cut ties with them because of their bullying. In fact the "it might be CANCER!!" card is also absolutely stereotypical for this situation.

You are being played. She may well not have an abnormal smear test at all - after all, you have been trying to establish genuine communication with her about her life for ages, and she said zero about any of this until she wanted to manipulate you with it.

Even if she has an abnormal smear - it may be nothing.

And even if it isn't nothing (HIGHLY unlikely, by the way: I would eat my hat if there is a grain of truth in it) - she wasn't there for you when you were in exactly that situation. So there is absolutely no reason for you to contact her.

It's really telling that she has responded with rage and over the top (very unconvincing) guilt-tripping, instead of with any form of apology or even acknowledgement of your feelings. This is absolutely not normal. She is a narcissistic bully who is trying to exploit you. You are only there to be used.

Please don't get drawn back into her games. Block, block, block and don't look back.

I'd just say 'This just proves to me how shallow our friendship is now. I'm sad that it no longer works for me as a friendship and clearly you've had all these worries that you don't share which means that you don't value me as a confidante. Time to call it a day'.

I think it's pure manipulation, designed to make you feel bad. Keep firm. You're doing the right thing.

Where was she when you had troubles? What would she do now in your shoes - send a pouty picture from a glam destination?!

Thank you everyone. You are right, I am pulling away and now she has got out the big guns. You can't leave now - because I might have cancer. She knows me very well, and knows I could never turn my back on someone in that position. Especially not an old friend, or anyone at all.

Yes my dc have much better boundaries, and have dealt with their own worries with friends very well, and with real ease and diplomacy. Perhaps I should be modelling them not the other way around

My friend and I have a shared childhood that was pretty grim. There are emotional bonds there that were made then, that are/were rock solid.
She has turned into someone I barely recognise now, brittle, showy and someone that works everything to her advantage, I have seen this clearly over the years - I just didn't expect to be on the receiving end.

I will just keep quiet, and hope my guilt will eventually wear off

The fact that you dread meeting her, tells you all you need to know. Instead of trying to untangle this mess, just stop meeting her.

You're treating her like an unknown allergy: if I take this away (kids), she may do better. Nope. If I take out x,y,z, she may do better, still nope. Just walk away. The problem is inside of her, nothing to do with you, or your actions.

OP, real friends would respond to your message with apologies and understanding that they hadn't been as good a friend as they should have. And want to talk and repair how they'd upset you.
This woman is not a friend.

A ranting message telling me I have no idea what she is going through and listing a long list of major emotional stuff

And that's rather the point! You have 'no idea what she's going through' because she doesn't talk to you about that. Instead she sends these desperate photos showing her fabulous life, not 'going through' anything!

And her response once again, was all about herself, with no consideration for you nor an apology.

You've spotted it's manipulation. So step away.

It’s very hard when you have such a shared history with someone else and recall the time when it was ‘you and me against the world’ but your life has moved on and your ‘friend’ doesn’t like that. Calling you by a name you dislike is disrespectful, but calling you by a name you associate with childhood could not make it any clearer that this is where she sees you. What was the pattern of your friendship in the early days? Were you by any chance the one she leaned on whilst she ‘cheered you up’?

There is, sadly, no doubt at all this has run its course. You can’t be with someone on this basis. She’s raging because you stood up to her. Anyone who cared would be genuinely contrite that their behaviour had affected a friend in this way.

It will hurt for some time, but better to get through it than be forever dragged into the dramas of someone who just won’t allow you to be yourself.

Well of course you don't know what she's going through OP because all she seems to do is send you messages and photos showing how wonderful her life is. Perhaps if she needed your support she could have shared the real things instead.

I don't understand how she can ask for gifts when she doesn't buy them for yours. I would have said that at the time to be honest.

With regards to the kids meeting up you can just say you're not keen.

If you wants to respond you could just say what you've said here, that you hope everything is okay, but if you don't feel like responded then don't.

She sounds like the kind of person who will message you again.

I'd just her you're sorry she's having problems but you didn't know about any of it because she didn't tell you. And hopefully the treatment for the abnormal smear won't be too bad & will be successful, yours was. (Of course she'd know that if she was a proper friend.) And then ignore/block.

If any of that was true she'd have spent ages telling you all about it because as you say in your OP "she talks endlessly about herself and her problems".

I seriously doubt there's a chance in hell she had all this going on and chose to say nothing.

I think it is lies, intended to manipulate you.

Let it go. She doesnt sound nice at all. I let a few friends go from this behaviour. Dont need more drama in my life Im 46. Hope you ok.

I'm in a similar position, friend of mine (male) has had a shit time the last 10/15 years. His wife walked out on him and their kids, he's had to give up work to look after them (one has significant health issues), he's had health issues, money issues and his family is horrible. I've tried to be a good friend, been round for company, always available on the phone etc. I seem to be the go to friend when he wants to vent or ask advice but he never listens, 5 minutes later it's the same old same old.
I've backed off a lot, not contacting him much and slow to reply and the issue of the pandemic has helped, in so much as he's not popping round unexpectedly. That's another problem, I've asked him countless times to ring or text first but he doesn't listen.
His life is still the same, stuck home with kids (now grown up but are lazy buggers) but he won't do anything about it.
He once rang, emailed and text in the space of 5 minutes saying he needed to speak urgently, even tho I told him that my daughter had been taken into hospital and I was waiting to hear from her. 25 minutes he was on the phone, no it wasn't urgent and not once did he ask how my daughter was. I'm quietly letting it drift but if he turns up on the doorstep, which I've no doubt he will, I'm not letting him in and will be one more of his friends that he's lost due to his me me me attitude.

Exactly we wouldn't even be having a conversation about the ending of our friendship had she told me what was happening in her life, if she had spent less time sending photos and more time telling what was up.

I have for a long time just felt deceived, like I have to be part of this soap opera she is playing out mainly to herself that everything is perfect in her world. I can't disagree, question or ask her the truth.

I have been here before with her. Same photos different time, this time telling me about her perfect marriage dates etc complete with photos with romantic backdrops, two weeks later she announced her divorce! I could not have been more shocked.

I have asked her why there seems to be two different stories going on, it seemed to me a shock not to mention her marriage was in trouble - she didn't even tell her own mum - she told no one at all - she said there was no need as she was so happy to be divorced, and felt great. That was that.

Due to the demands of her very full on job (she does 80 hours a week minimum) When we had babies I then began to get the impression she looked down on me a little, as my job is part time, and she felt I did not really understand how much it takes to keep her important career going and be a perfect mother etc. Since kids things shifted, and I made tons of allowances for her due to her time restraints: everything from no presents, to doing all of the driving, doing the weekends at my house, making things easier for her as much as I could - because making things easier felt like the right thing to do to support her. In amongst that she figured out my life was less worthy than hers, my time is less important then hers (she is always at least an hour late min) and even my kids are less worthy than hers because they don't see that much of her. I am to blame in some respects for allowing those imbalances. I should have made it clear my life was just as important as hers.

I felt sad, so sad about our friendship yesterday but today reading your posts and really thinking how little I suspect she thinks or cares for me deep down, how little she cares about anyone in fact. I am glad I have brought things to an end. I am not going to be a second class citizen in any friendship. Full stop.

Thank you for your replies, and allowing me to talk about it all. Honestly I feel a huge pressure has been lifted.

Omg get rid

So glad you are happy with your decision.

How exhausting.

Life is just too short for relationships like this.

Thanks also for your earlier post billy your observations were spot on!

@Ihaveyourback

Exactly we wouldn't even be having a conversation about the ending of our friendship had she told me what was happening in her life, if she had spent less time sending photos and more time telling what was up.

I have for a long time just felt deceived, like I have to be part of this soap opera she is playing out mainly to herself that everything is perfect in her world. I can't disagree, question or ask her the truth.

I have been here before with her. Same photos different time, this time telling me about her perfect marriage dates etc complete with photos with romantic backdrops, two weeks later she announced her divorce! I could not have been more shocked.

I have asked her why there seems to be two different stories going on, it seemed to me a shock not to mention her marriage was in trouble - she didn't even tell her own mum - she told no one at all - she said there was no need as she was so happy to be divorced, and felt great. That was that.

Due to the demands of her very full on job (she does 80 hours a week minimum) When we had babies I then began to get the impression she looked down on me a little, as my job is part time, and she felt I did not really understand how much it takes to keep her important career going and be a perfect mother etc. Since kids things shifted, and I made tons of allowances for her due to her time restraints: everything from no presents, to doing all of the driving, doing the weekends at my house, making things easier for her as much as I could - because making things easier felt like the right thing to do to support her. In amongst that she figured out my life was less worthy than hers, my time is less important then hers (she is always at least an hour late min) and even my kids are less worthy than hers because they don't see that much of her. I am to blame in some respects for allowing those imbalances. I should have made it clear my life was just as important as hers.

I felt sad, so sad about our friendship yesterday but today reading your posts and really thinking how little I suspect she thinks or cares for me deep down, how little she cares about anyone in fact. I am glad I have brought things to an end. I am not going to be a second class citizen in any friendship. Full stop.

Thank you for your replies, and allowing me to talk about it all. Honestly I feel a huge pressure has been lifted.

It's the age old FOG that toxic and abusive people - usually relatives - use to keep us where they want us - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Fear we will be exposed as a bad person if we rebel, Obligation because of the history or nature of the relationship, Guilt we are turning our back on them by especially when the bring out the big guns of a sudden health scare or suicide threat.

You've done the right thing OP - you owe her nothing. Block her everywhere before she steps it up and if she does threaten suicide which is the next step on the script - call the police on 111, give them all the details and ask them to do a safe and well check. They will have strong words with her if they turn up and find that she is clearly just manipulating you.

Delighted for you OP.
Focus on your relief, it tells you so much.

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse
Wise post, so true.