Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not really want other people (even family) to look after my baby.......

81 replies

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 11:47

My MIL has become very active in my pregnancy as i don't know my mother.
She has been very supportive, brought loads of things for the baby (I did not ask her too) I feel very close to her and really do apreciate her.

But Its all getting a bit too much. She keeps saying how much she's looking forward to having the baby at her house, looking after it etc. For instance babysitting on New years eve- My baby will only be 6 weeks old and I don't even want to go out!

This is my first baby and even though its not born yet I feel very attached to him 'he's my baby'
I'm planning to breastfeed so feel that i will want to be with him as much as possible.

I don't like the idea of leaving him over night with anyone, even my MIL. Especially when he's so young.

Am i being over the top or is it normal to have slightly possesive feelings....

Should I tell her now that i wont be leaving him with other people, or just wait till the time comes?

OP posts:

Weegle · 16/10/2007 11:50

You feelings are normal but don't burn your bridges because there will come a time (be it when your baby is one week, one year, or five years) when you will want a break and you will be grateful for knowing someone you can trust and who has your child's best interests at heart who is WILLING to take your child. So YANBU in feeling the way you do but you would be being pretty unreasonable to act on it just yet.

JARM · 16/10/2007 11:50

Wait until the time comes my dear.

I agree with you whole-heartedly. This is your baby, and there is no way on earth i would leave a baby of 6 weeks old overnight.

Just nod and agree in the right places at the moment, and then you can use hormones as an excuse once baby is born.
You may of course be the total opposite, and by 6 weeks be glad of a night off - i know a few women who have done this!

peggotty · 16/10/2007 11:51

I think how you are feeling is normal, especially with your first baby. You might find that when he's older, you'll be desperate to have a night out with your dh, so don't tell your mil that you will NEVER leave him with anyone, ever. Maybe just say that you don't think you'll want to leave him for a good while. If she's as supportive as all that, she'll understand. Is it her first grandchild as well?

belgo · 16/10/2007 11:51

It's normal to have those feelings. I had them as well, certainly for the first 18 months or so.

Don't make an issue of it now, if in the future she offers to babysit, politely decline but let her know her offer is very much appreciated.

There will come a time when you really will want her to babysit. My mil babysits occasionally for me, and it's great, but only know the children are older.

I couldn't have left my children overnight before they were 18 months old.

Lulumama · 16/10/2007 11:53

if you are breastfeeding, then there is no way on earth you can leave a 6 week old overnight... and regardless, if you don;t want to leave your new born, you don;t have to. at 6 months you might well feel differently though , totally normal to be possessive, but don;t burn any bridges as has been said, MIL is excited too, and is probably getting a bit OTT , but in the nicest possible way.

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 11:53

Wait till the time comes.

Don't burn any bridges now.

Your MIL is excited.

Just say "we'll see" about things you're not comfortable with, then don't let them happen.

It's often useful to remember that you shouldn't get in the way of a loving relationship between your son and his grandparent, because you can't taint their memory of them with your own take on the situation, but that's more for when they're older and it can be hard.

If you're breastfeeding, it's easier to manage this sort of thing, so good luck with that - have you done much reading about what to expect with it?

Anna8888 · 16/10/2007 11:54

Don't worry and remember that you can do exactly as you like with your baby.

Your MIL sounds absolutely lovely and full of good intentions and, once your baby has grown up a little, I am sure you will be very grateful of all her offers of babysitting and help.

Just always remember - you decide when you and your baby are ready for that, no-one else

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 11:54

Haha at all of us saying don't burn bridges - there weren't any posts on the thread when I wrote that!

MrsBadger · 16/10/2007 11:55

smile sweetly, thank her for her kind offer and say you'll have to think about it nearer the time.
Once the baby arrives it's much easier for you to be firm about things because he's there rather than only existing in potentia.
You may find she backs off a bit after the birth as well - my MIL gaily volunteered ages ago to babysit in a couple of weeks so dh and I could go to a concert (dd'll be 11wks) but she is sounding less and less keen as time goes on and keeps asking anxiously about the 'evening routine', what to do if she cries, where we keep the nighties, how warm the room should be etc etc

We may cry off and let her off the hook .

mishymoo · 16/10/2007 11:56

I felt exactly the same as you do. My DS is now 2.3 and has never slept out overnight anywhere (apart from a holiday the three of us took). I won't let him stay at MIL but that's because I don't trust her, but that's a different thread. My DH is always complaining that we need a break and that he should stay overnight at either my mums or my MIL every now and then! I am still very protective of him, even now!

JackOLANTERNstini · 16/10/2007 11:56

Definately wait until the time comes - you don't know how you will feel then or in the future.
My Mum was the same during my pregnancy but I have still only left dd at her house once (she was just 1), and then only all day, not night.
Most babysitting is done at my house by Mum/MIL/Sis/aunties so they put dd to bed in her own cot and she is not disturbed when I get in.
Very normal to have the possesive feelings though especially at this emotional stage.

admylin · 16/10/2007 11:57

I know how your MIL must feel, I can't wait to get my hands on my grandchildren and my dc are only 9 and 8 but I also felt exactly like you, and couldn't leave my babies anywhere. First time I let ds stay with my parents was to go out for a night out when he was 15 months old! I wouldn't tell your MIL that you don't want to leave your baby with her though. You might find the prospect of a free afternoon very tempting in the first few months and then you can take it from there.

EffiePerine · 16/10/2007 12:00

A good point that though you might want to leave him overnight, if your MIL is happy to look after him for a few hours in the early weeks it could be a godsend. So thank her for her support and see what happens

herbiemom · 16/10/2007 12:04

She's probably just very excited. My mum and MIL were both like this during my first pregnancy - my mum even started getting their spare room ready for having DS overnight. But DS1 was almost 3 the first time he stayed overnight there without me!

I wouldn't mention how you're feeling yet - I would wait until she offers then politely decline and explain that you feel he's too young to be away from you overnight. Maybe she could help sometimes by looking after him for a few hours so you can get your hair done, go shopping, etc and then when you feel ready, babysit for the evening if you want to go out. Believe me, the time will come when you are desperate for someone to look after him for you overnight so you can get a lie-in!

ruddynorah · 16/10/2007 12:05

i remember feeling exactly like this. dd's now 18 months old and only now am i vaguely thinking about leaving her with anyone for me and dh to have an evening out together.

i remember back to when she was maybe 2 months old FIL taking her out in the pram for something like 20 minutes and me and dh sitting there looking out the window hoping to god they were ok, wishing them to come back faster. that was the first time she'd ever been away from us both. now, she goes to family members' houses now and again, but only ever for a couple of hours or so.

seeker · 16/10/2007 12:06

And someone to watch him while you have a shower is wonderful - never mind going out!

In the early weeks, occasionally going out for a walk or for a cup of coffee without the baby can give you a bit of breathing space. Don't think about overnights - it'll be ages before you can do that anyway if you're breastfeeding.

This time next year you might be looking forward to a New Year's night with dp.

Does your mil know you're planning to breastfeed?

Original poster

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 12:07

Glad i'm not beiing OTT, It is her first grandchild, She is very excited, and i'm glad of this!

I just don't want to offend her. Its not that i don't trust her. I just would prefer to be with the baby feed him etc.

I wont say anything now. I'm not so worried about an hour or so out with her but i don't think i could cope with a whole night.

OP posts:

FrankAwenstein · 16/10/2007 12:12

i totally understand where you are coming from. My sister has already made comments like 'I Hope you wont be so precious over ds2 and that you will be letting us babysit etc', also 'when are you going to work again' she means well but tbh i view childrearing as a valuable and worthwhile way to spend my time. I will of course let her babysit baby, but i am planning to breastfeed, not planning on expressing (ds1 never took to a bottle and it was so much easier as straight on to cup). I am not planning on leaving ds2 for a night out for quite a while. I dont see it as an issue as dp and I dont get a babysitter often for ds(aged 7). Dont understandt he mentality that once you have a small baby you should strive to leave them and go out for night.. DP go out when we feel we want to not because we ought to iykwim.

Original poster

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 12:12

She does know that i plan to breastfeed but both her sons were bottle fed so i don't think she's really taken it into account.

She's been talking about buying a travel cot.
I don't know what to say i don't want her to waste her money. If we visit the baby can sleep in the carrycot.

The thing is she only lives 30 minute drive away. so she will be very involved with the baby.

OP posts:

BroccoliSpears · 16/10/2007 12:12

I didn't even want anyone apart from me and DP to touch my baby for the first couple of months.

seeker · 16/10/2007 12:15

Let her by a travel cot if she wants to - it'll last for ages and it'll save you taking anything for the baby to have naps in when you visit.

And if she's likely to have other grandchildren it'll do for them as well.

mawbroooooooooon · 16/10/2007 12:16

You are not being unreasonable to feel like this at all. My ds is two this weekend and I have never left him for more than a couple of hours with anyone (other than dh), let alone overnight. Although I am now happy for someone to babysit in our house once I have put him to bed. Luckily DH feels much the same as I do so it doesn't cause any friction. We recently had a conversation about a hypothetical night away on our own and decided that neither of us would actually want to do it as it would feel wrong leaving ds.

BUT, you have no idea how you are going to feel once the baby is born. You could stall her for now with "I can't really think about it until the baby is here" and then once the baby is here you will be dealing with your real thoughts and feelings rather than the thoughts and feelings you imagine you will be having once your baby is born. Many people find that the two are very different.

hifi · 16/10/2007 12:22

you are so lucky in having a supportive mil, mine just makes extra work. you may feel like this now but you will also need a rest,its no harm your baby going to other people. we have paid thousands in babysitting fees in 3 years, you will need her at some time,i would keep her sweet.

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 12:24

Travel cots last till they're - well, my 3.6yo still snoozes in one given half a chance, he loves it - so let her get one.

My MIL has bought a lot of baby stuff and says she loves doing the things with them that she didn't have time for when hers were little - DS2 in particular utterly adores her and cries if we drive past the end of her road and don't go and see her! I am delighted they have this special relationship - and I'm still bfing him at 21mo.

Please don't worry - maybe say you really don't think there'll be any need for her to get a travel cot until he's a bit bigger as he won't be doing sleepovers for a while, but they do soon outgrow their carrycots.

Be wary of making the bfing a "reason" if she has issues about her own feeding experience.

Original poster

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 12:25

I have mentioned this to DP, just saying that i don't think i'll be leaving the baby with other people. He thought i was over-reacting a little, so i just said to him we'll see.

I don't have an issue with leaving the baby with him, but feel that people might feel put out for example, if I said yes to going out for a meal with friends, but only if DP was looking after Lo.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4