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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want other people (even family) to look after my baby.......

81 replies

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 11:47

My MIL has become very active in my pregnancy as i don't know my mother.
She has been very supportive, brought loads of things for the baby (I did not ask her too) I feel very close to her and really do apreciate her.

But Its all getting a bit too much. She keeps saying how much she's looking forward to having the baby at her house, looking after it etc. For instance babysitting on New years eve- My baby will only be 6 weeks old and I don't even want to go out!

This is my first baby and even though its not born yet I feel very attached to him 'he's my baby'
I'm planning to breastfeed so feel that i will want to be with him as much as possible.

I don't like the idea of leaving him over night with anyone, even my MIL. Especially when he's so young.

Am i being over the top or is it normal to have slightly possesive feelings....

Should I tell her now that i wont be leaving him with other people, or just wait till the time comes?

OP posts:
kys · 16/10/2007 15:34

You have to do whats right for you, everyones different. my son is almost 3yrs and ive only left him twice, the first time was for a few hrs in the eve and the second time was while i went to the church service of a friends wedding. My sister is the complete opposite she left hers overnight within wks. Go with your heart not with what other people want. good luck

Dawnybabe · 16/10/2007 15:43

Congrats on the baby but must echo other messages - Do Not Burn Your Bridges! It is only right that you want to keep your new baby all to yourself and that's fine for a while but as he gets older he will love being with nanny and grandad and all that, and they will really treasure those moments with him. My pils absolutely adore my dd and she them, and I would never intrude on their time together because it is important for them to all nuture that relationship. It teaches her to be sociable for a start. And believe it or not, there will come a time when you would love to have a bit of peace and quiet just for a few hours to get stuff done, and they will be a godsend, trust me!

I don't know how old she would be before I let her sleep over, or when she would want to sleep over without mummy and daddy being there. I guess I'll leave that up to her. But it will be up to her. If she loves staying with her nannny & grandad, I'm not going to deny her that.

Oh and by the way, 'I don't have an issue with leaving the baby with dp'? You're not entitled to! It's not even a consideration. If it's his son, he's just as much entitled to time alone with his child as you are.

inthegutter · 16/10/2007 15:53

Dawnybabe - great post. I always find it really worrying when new mums consider it an issue to leave the baby with its father. Every child has two parents, and has a right to be parented by them both! We may all have differing degrees of what we're happy with when it comes to leaving with babysitters/overnight etc. But allowing the dad to be a parent too is an absolute right and not something that should even be an issue. New mothers do themselves and their children no favours by wanting to 'possess' their children.

Dawnybabe · 16/10/2007 16:01

Cheers inthegutter. Sometimes it's so nice to be appreciated.

Sorry to digress.

[smug emoticon]

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 16:03

I know i'm looking forward to him having father and son time with his son.

i just ment that others(MIL)may find that i had double standards being happy to leave my baby with his dad but not them!

Like in my example, going out for a meal or an evening with friends but only if DP was looking after LO as he's the only person i think i'll feel totaly at ease leaving our baby with.

OP posts:
MrsMcSpooky · 16/10/2007 16:03

This is also covered in the book I'm reading about baby proofing your marriage, it seems that many mothers don't let the fathers help because they don't do things their way and then the fathers stop wanting to help because they can't do it right and then the mothers complain that they don't help enough. I am a self-confessed control freak and I shall be trying very hard to supress the perfectionist in me. My DH's has just re-arranged his working schedule so that he can have his own day alone with the baby (though I might need to be around at first to feed) - I think I am really lucky that he wants to

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 16:05

'I have mentioned this to DP, just saying that i don't think i'll be leaving the baby with other people. He thought i was over-reacting a little, so i just said to him we'll see.

I don't have an issue with leaving the baby with him, but feel that people might feel put out for example, if I said yes to going out for a meal with friends, but only if DP was looking after Lo. '

OP posts:
MrsMcSpooky · 16/10/2007 16:09

I do totally see where you are coming from

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 16:13

Thankyou!! The funny thing i'm not usually a possesive person. Just with my baby! I think i should be reading your book really.

OP posts:
MrsMcSpooky · 16/10/2007 16:28

The awful thing is that if my sisters or family were here, I'd have no qualms leaving the baby with them (not overnight) but certainly for an hour or so. Maybe its a blood thing but it may also be due to the fact that they are used to babies and DH's family haven't been near one for 25 years!

mosschops30 · 16/10/2007 16:34

Sorry but I am at this thread. I'm amazed at how many people havent left their children overnight even after a few years.
I admit that the first few months I wanted ds with me all the time, but then I needed to have a life back.
How do all go to work/go out/have romantic weekends/concerts/theatres/just get plastered?

I am truly but maybe thats just me

naturopath · 16/10/2007 16:43

I totally see where you're coming from as well - I feel like this with my 16 week-old... however, if your lo will take a bottle on the odd occasion when you might want to go out (mine won't) it can be a godsend. Your dh will be happy as well, and you shouldn't underestimate the importance of that.

I still haven't managed more than a couple of hours away from ds, but there will come a time when we would all appreciate the offer!

ELF1981 · 16/10/2007 17:25

mosschops30 - DH and I have never been big ravers and going out getting plastered type, but that is just us.

I work and leave DD with a CM through the day, and sometimes she goes to my parents / DH's parents for a few hours on a Saturday day so DH and I go out for dinner / to the cinema / stay at home in bed etc!

But DD is two, so I dont see why she needs a night out the house yet. She's a relativly good sleeper, so once she's in bed at seven, the evening is mine and DH's to do what we like

LowFat · 16/10/2007 17:42

To the OP - have not read all the thread.

You are just the same as I was first time round and while PG with DS. I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way - and even now I am completely irrational (as I am told)over who looks after my children and how far I am away from them.

It is your baby and you do as you feel with him. But I would start to let MIL know that you feel very anxious over thoughts of leaving your baby and that you have no plans to be away from him for quite a while after his birth.

(I even had problems letting anyone hold my DC's when they were tiny babies)

Perhaps make some plans for you and her to do things together with the baby - you will be glad of the help I am sure, and some rest. Perhaps she can come and look after him in your house to allow you to nap in the early weeks.

Or perhaps she could join you at the baby clinic when you get him weighed.

Is it her first GC? I am sure she just wants to be involved and help out. And including her in small and what may fel like trivial ways will mean the world to her.

Think about things you would'nt mind including her in and prepare answers for things you dont before you have a chat.

so I say YANBU all the best [Grin]

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 17:57

Lowfat- I'm gald that you are another person who has has the same feelings towards this subject as me.

I am looking forward to letting MIL spend time with LO, and i think the idea of asking her to come to the baby clinic is an excellent sujestion as it well make her feel really involved.

I'm glad that she is showing an interest and that we get on well (I know allot of people don't with there MIL) but I don't feel that will be able to leave Lo with her for long periods of time. But i will make sure she is able to get involved other ways so that LO can bond with his grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 17:58
  • their (even)
OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 16/10/2007 20:12

Berrybliss, it's up to you who you leave your baby with. I don't think you need to explain yourself to anyone. I was v. annoyed when I had my first baby that I felt I had to explain to everyone why I was breastfeeding for more than a minute, why I didn't want to leave my DS with anyone, why I didn't want to wean him at four months, why I preferred to co sleep.

Now I don't bother justifying myself to anyone. If I'm not happy with something for my children, then that's tough on everyone else. I don't have to explain my personal parenting preferences. Neither do you.

inthegutter · 16/10/2007 20:20

I don't think it's a case of 'having to justify' our parenting choices. But clearly the OP is feeling some degree of uncertainty over how she feels otherwise why bother posting? Thank god that Mumsnet does exist, to allow people to express their concerns and worries, and simply to say 'this is how I feel. Does any ones else understand? will I always feel like this?' Of course ultimately it is up to the mother AND FATHER of the child who the baby is left with/for how long/at what age. But I think a lot of the advice on this thread has been very helpful. The OP hasn;t actually had the baby yet; she and her partner may be desperate for some support in the way of childcare in a few weeks/months. And to have an interested, involved and caring grandparent on hand is something many of us would be grateful for.

WinkyWinkola · 16/10/2007 20:23

I've felt I've had to justify my parenting choices. Often.

MilkMonitor · 16/10/2007 20:32

I guess it's important for the OP not to reduce her own feelings to being unsure, precious first baby syndrome or whatever. You need to do what's right for you, berrybliss. You'll regret it otherwise. X

Sassib · 16/10/2007 21:29

Yep - this is exactly the way I feel. My LO is 5months, and to me is so precious - 9 yrs of ttc and IVF. So I just want her all to myself.

My mum is like this and is just meaning well,. there will come a time when you want some space and will be glad of the help.

These feelings are completely normal. And I mirror what everyone else says, dont burn bridges, just agree. YOu never know when you might need their help and grandparents play a huge role in the social rounding of babies

Good luck with the rest of your PG and the birth.

Hulababy · 16/10/2007 21:38

Not OTT and very understandable.

For now, say very little IMO. You never know how you'll feel when baby is here, and IME once baby is here it is easier for people to see why you might not want to go out that much.

FWIW we never left DD overnight anyway until she was nearly 3yo. We went out lots - well afte rfirst few months or so. But our babysitters (grandparents) would come to our house and babysit, as was more practical. I didn't want DD to stay overnight before then. She's now 5yo and is very happy to sleep over at both grandparents and her best friend's house -s o not harmed her in any way.

Dawnybabe · 18/10/2007 12:02

Would just like to reiterate that it is up to the both of you who handles your baby and who you leave him with. It is not the mothers sole property, to be left with the father with her permission. He does kind of have as much right to the child as you do.

Lazarou · 18/10/2007 12:18

My kids are 1.7 and 2.8 and I still don't leave them with anyone else except dh and my parents.

Lazarou · 18/10/2007 12:20

Although, ds1 goes to nursery two mornings a week and he loves it so I know he is in safe hands but it took me ages to get comfortable with leaving him there.