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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want other people (even family) to look after my baby.......

81 replies

berrybliss · 16/10/2007 11:47

My MIL has become very active in my pregnancy as i don't know my mother.
She has been very supportive, brought loads of things for the baby (I did not ask her too) I feel very close to her and really do apreciate her.

But Its all getting a bit too much. She keeps saying how much she's looking forward to having the baby at her house, looking after it etc. For instance babysitting on New years eve- My baby will only be 6 weeks old and I don't even want to go out!

This is my first baby and even though its not born yet I feel very attached to him 'he's my baby'
I'm planning to breastfeed so feel that i will want to be with him as much as possible.

I don't like the idea of leaving him over night with anyone, even my MIL. Especially when he's so young.

Am i being over the top or is it normal to have slightly possesive feelings....

Should I tell her now that i wont be leaving him with other people, or just wait till the time comes?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 12:27

It's all hypothetical at the moment though. You don't know how you'll feel in reality, so please don't worry about it.

Spend the time you're worrying about it reading about breastfeeding instead

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 12:28

Will do! I'm going to a workshop next week. I want to be as clued up as possible.

OP posts:
kindersurprise · 16/10/2007 12:32

DD was 8 mths or so before I left her with SIL for a couple of hours. I think she was 2 before I left her overnight, and that was mainly because I was pregnant with DS and wanted her to have spent a night away before I went into hospital.

You have to take it as it comes, do what feels right for you and your lo.

Both my parents and my PILS were actually happiest wheeling the DCs around the town in a pram, more chance to show them off. And it gave me a wee break. Not to mention the fact that when my Mum came home there was often 5 or 6 pounds in the pram

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 12:36

Hope it's good, BB - have a look at kellymom too

Niecie · 16/10/2007 12:45

I doubt you will be able to leave a 6 week old if you are breastfeeding. Some people manage to express but I never got the hang of it enough to produce enough milk to cover a whole evening let alone a whole night and certainly, at 6 weeks, that is going to be harder to do than later on.

I doubt also that you will feel much like a night out after 6 weeks of deprivation. Your MIL has probably forgotten how all consuming new babies can be and I suspect that when your baby arrives she will realise that a 6 week old is too young and too reliant on you as his mother to be left overnight. Also if she hasn't breastfeed she will have no idea of how much time it can take up and how you probably won't be on a 4 hour routine. You might even find her distancing herself from her earlier offer!

I think your DP is in for a bit of a shock too if he thinks you will be ready and able to leave your baby in the early days. My DH used to believe that life wouldn't change much for him and he would still get a lie in and Sunday mornings reading the papers but he quickly realised that things do change even for the man. He's a good dad thought and he learnt quickly.

Good luck with your baby and remember that ultimately you are the mother and therefore the main decision maker for your baby and don't let anybody put pressure on you to do anything you don't want to. There is plenty of time when the child is older to go out. Enjoy him while he is young!

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 12:51

thankyou hunkermunker will do, just had a wuick look through it looks like a good site to reference too if i encounter any problems.
I'm really looking forward to BF. i didn't think i would be too bothered about it, but i can't imagine not now, (i think i'm so maternally charged)i it will be a lovely way to bond with the baby. So hopefully i will cope with it well.

OP posts:
NumberSix · 16/10/2007 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inthegutter · 16/10/2007 12:52

Just chill for the moment and don't make any decisions. Your MIL is just trying to be helpful (and I expect is excited too!) There WILL come a time when you'll be glad of the offer to help (and that may be sooner than you think) so don't put her off. But you and DP are the parents, and you shouldn't be bulldozed into anything you're not happy with. Remember too, that you and DP still need 'couple time' after the baby arrives. Great that DP will be able to look after the baby sometimes if you're going out, but don't fall into the trap of never having time out together because you're scared to let anyone else care for the baby.

TheStepfordChav · 16/10/2007 12:59

I absolutely hated it when people took my baby for a cuddle - just wanted to snatch him back. YANBU!! Not over the top, possessive and rightly so.

It's sometimes hard to say No but you must remember that YOU are the Mum, not her. You are in control, and the decisions are yours. I absolutely agree about New Years - having a new baby int he house is a wonderful feeling, and I for one was perfectly content to stay in and hug that feeling. I think you should calmly, and casually, say 'I don't think I'll want to go out' next time she brings it up.

No doubt you won't deny her a little cuddle of your lo, but make sure she abides by your rules. (Hand babe back when you say so.) MIL will have to learn. Good luck

WinkyWinkola · 16/10/2007 13:04

New mums are possessive over their babies. It's what Nature intended so that you protect them from any harm. Not that your MIL means any harm, I hasten to add.

But you're still v. hormonal and need to adjust to the masseev change that's hit you and DH. Take your time. Do what you want with your baby when you are ready, not when MIL or anyone else is.

And if they say you are neurotic or clingy or whatever, just smile and say, "It's my prerogative. I'm his mum!"

In two or three years, you'll feel differently again. Meanwhile, remember, it's normal to feel the way you do.

ELF1981 · 16/10/2007 13:04

Berrybliss

It is normal to have possesive feelings when you are pg, but it does ease.

I have never left my two year old overnight, and do not plan to. I do work so she is at a childminders, and that was probably a big step in helping me ease up a bit (though it took me AGES to find a CM I liked). I have left my DD spend a few hours on a Sat with my DH's mum, or his dad (they are seperated) or my parents. It is important for their relationship with my child, as well as giving me and DH time to go to the cinema or do something as a couple, rather than just being parents. I have probably in two years gone out twice in an evening and had my mum over to babysit - I have no plans on letting DD sleep over anywhere!

WinkyWinkola · 16/10/2007 13:06

Also, I was like a possessive tigress with my DS1 when he was born. I hated anyone else holding him!

He's hit the Awful Hideous Twos now and I would happily hand him over to anyone, even my pinhead MIL for an afternoon. Funny how time goes on and changes things.

Enjoy your precious new baby. Congrats BTW!

SydneyB · 16/10/2007 13:12

Berrybliss, I've felt exactly like you when I was pregnant and for the first few months of DD's life. But now she is 10 months and both my and my husband had to go away for work recently and had no choice but to leave her. I dreaded it but in the end I think its been good for everyone. I've learnt to let go a little bit and my MIL has really got to know DD which is lovely for both of them. Just wait and see how you feel.

I stopped b/f when I went back to work but wouldn't have left her when I was still b/f as you can't really unless you're a super expresser which I never was.

LoveAngel · 16/10/2007 13:14

Haven't read through replies, but no YANBU - it's perfectly normal to feel highly possessive of your baby for the first few months. It's an instinct. Make it clear now that for the the first little while you'd prefer to be in sole 'charge' of your baby, and that when you're feeling ready you'll let close relatives / friends know (most people will understand - and if they don't, that's tough for them, really...I've known women who didn't even want other people holding their babies for the firtst few weeks...it's really perfectly natural and normal).

Once you do decide you want the odd few hours off, start slowly and build up. Perhaps your MIL could watch your baby while you have a bath and a sleep in your own home (trust me, there may come a time when you are gagging for this!). Then perhaps you can go shopping for an afternoon, then out for dinner one evening and so on.

One thing I will say is that eventually, it does pay to leave your child with trusted relatives/close friends every now and then so that they get used to other adults and the adults get used to their routines and ways. Otherwise it can be very hard to 'trust' anyone to know what to do with your little one enough to leave him/her. But you do it in yoiur own time - nobody should pressurise you to part with your little one if you just don;t want to.

theFlyingEvil · 16/10/2007 13:15

i won't let my dd stay overnight anyway without me and she is 17 months. it is not about lack of trust, i just don't want her to!
my PIL did buy a travel cot while i was expecting and i still think "what exactly do you need that for?".
i think the expectation was that they would be having dd overnight, esp as they had dss and dsd from about 6 months old. but we borrow the cot when we go on holiday and they seem fine with that thank god!
my mil has hypothesised occasionally about it, but i just smile and say maybe when she's older (dd, not MIL!)...

perfectly normal. don't worry.

fondant4000 · 16/10/2007 13:18

I couldn't let anyone (except dh) look after dd1 until she was about 2 years old! You have to go with what you feel is right.

No need to make an issue though, just nod and smile. When pushed as dd got older, I used to say "I know it seems silly, but I'm just not ready yet".

Tommy · 16/10/2007 13:22

if it helps, my MIL said all those things too. She was desperate for grandchildren and talked about them coming to stay etc.

She has only just had them to stay for the first time on their own (without DH and I) - DS1 is 5 and a half! I think they forget that it will a little while before all these exciting things can happen with grandchildren!

Like others have said, just smile and hang in there. You really will need a good reliable babysitter (who loves your baby!) at some point!

kindersurprise · 16/10/2007 13:22

The other thing to try and remember is that when you do hand over your lo to MIL that she might do something a wee bit different to your normal methods. I found this difficult with MIL, my Mum always did things the way I wanted but MIL did not.

It really bothered me to begin with, until I realised that this was the price I had to pay for having a couple of hours alone, to go shopping in peace, or to go out for a meal with DH.

There are obviously going to be some things where you will not compromise on and other things that are not worth argueing with MIL about. My PIL used to put honey on his GS dummy, I soon let him know that he was NOT to do this with my DD. I also used to give them the bottles ready made up as MIL was incapable of making up a bottle properly.

fondant4000 · 16/10/2007 13:23

BTW, dd1 is now nearly 5 and I am v. keen to leave her with people. Now it's my dh who panics every time I suggest that anyone except us (incl MIL and my mum) cd take her to the park or babysit

When I went back to work, I suggested MIL come once a month too help out dh who is SAHD for our 2 dds. Instead of getting a break (as I hoped), he stays with them and ends up doing more work 'cos he looks after MIL as well!

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 13:28

I'm so glad that lots of people have experienced the same feelings as me. I don't feel as if i'm being overly possesive now, as you've said its a natural reaction.

I can understand the rest of our families beng excited and i certainly don't want to upset anyone. But you are right i am his mother and should act as i feel right. I'm sure as he gets older i will become more relaxed.

OP posts:
gingerninja · 16/10/2007 13:29

YANBU
I got really irritated by people saying they wanted to take my DD out for a walk etc. I didn't want to be parted from her and I'd spent all that time waiting to cuddle her that I wasn't about to start trying to get back a life that I wan't bothered about returning to just so someone else could have the pleasure of looking after my baby. I'd have been happier if MIL had offered to do the ironing but her insisting on holding her, taking her away from me has driven a wedge between us that I'm still struggling to repair. I really resent the fact that she didn't give me some space so I'd suggest that if you're close you try and chat to her about it. She's been there she must remember

Original poster
berrybliss · 16/10/2007 13:40

I will talk to her when the time comes, I may find it hard as she is lovely and we do get on well. She is so excited. I really don't want to upset her, but hopefully she will understand.

I think i am going to follow theFlyingEvil's lead by smiling and saying maybe when he's older to start off with.

OP posts:
NumberSix · 16/10/2007 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniebear · 16/10/2007 14:41

can you send your MIL down to me please?!!!!

MrsMcSpooky · 16/10/2007 15:20

Berry ? only read your OP. maybe you would be in MIL?s eyes but I think it?s perfectly natural, I feel exactly the same about my unborn child. I think grandparents can be a bit overbearing and forget that the baby is actually yours and not theirs. I overheard my MIL telling a friend that she?d meet her for walks with the baby when its born and it made me really cross ? I?ll be the one out walking my baby not her, unreasonable or not!! It?s a medical fact that you won?t want to be parted anyway. I am currently reading a book on baby proofing your marriage and it says that conversations like this with the in-laws should be done by your DH not you so I hope he is on side. I am sure like me you are having imaginary arguments with her already in your head My MIL is a lovely person too but there are boundaries. I had to put my foot down only last week when she wanted to go and buy a whole layette for my baby and wash it all ready ? I pointed out that I was looking forward to doing that myself and that maybe we could go shopping together. I?m considering buying her a good granny book (of course I?ll look for one that covers my views ) best of luck hon, I?m sure you?ll be very feisty when protecting your cub!