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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Possible CF-ery over bill splitting

173 replies

IHaveAGreyLamp · 05/11/2020 10:37

I’m interested in peoples opinions on how a restaurant bill should have been split as currently my family are 50/50 as to who is BU!

Last week my parents, DSis and her husband, toddler DD and I went for a family lunch.

DParents had two bottles of wine. BIL had four pints. DSis had a glass of Prosecco and then two glasses of wine from the wine on the table. I had one glass of Prosecco. DSis and my Dad had liqueur coffees also.

After a lovely meal, toddler DD got a bit fractious and tired. It was taking ages to get the bill so I asked if my parents would cover my bill so I could make a swift exit and that I’d pay them when I saw them again.

Yesterday I gave my mum £30, to cover my food and one Prosecco and also a bit towards a tip.

DM is now demanding an extra £15 because they ‘split’ the bill between the 5 of us. I don’t even mind splitting a bill evenly (even if someone people had more courses etc) but given that they all had a lot to drink and I didn’t, I don’t think I should be contributing to the booze that the rest of them had!

DSis and BIL doesn’t think it’s fair I should be made to pay for the drink, but my parents do. Usually if I’m out for a meal I will happily split it if things are fairly even, and if I’d had even just one glass of wine from the bottle I would have just split it without argument (I wouldn’t be whipping out the calculator to see how much I owed for one glass of wine from a bottle type of thing!) But I’m a bit miffed because if I’ve been drinking at dinner and others haven’t, I will always say it’s not fair for the non-drinkers to pay for alcohol and will usually insist that the drinks bill is sorted separately to the food bill.

What do you think? Should I have been funding their lunch time drinking and just sucked it up? Or are they being cheeky?

YABU- You should have accepted the splitting of the bill including the booze
YANBU- It’s unfair of them to expect you to pay for the booze when you didn’t have any

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 05/11/2020 10:40

I suppose it depends how hard up you are and if £15 makes a bit difference to you.

But I can see your point. Your parents sound like big drinkers and should be happy to pay for that themselves!

JustHereWithPopcorn · 05/11/2020 10:40

YANBU unless there is a backstory with money between you all. My parents would never bother arguing with me over £15, are they normally like that? I would have done the same as you.

Fuckingfuckssake · 05/11/2020 10:41

What did your DD eat?

Whysrumgone · 05/11/2020 10:42

You’ve already more than covered your part of the bill. I’d feel cheeky af asking for you to cough up more to cover more of mine. The fact that it’s your own mother makes it worse. I know she’s not obliged to pay for your meal, but I can’t imagine being so petty towards my own children. Yanbu

Original poster
IHaveAGreyLamp · 05/11/2020 10:42

@Fuckingfuckssake

What did your DD eat?
She had food I brought from home and then a few nibbles off my plate so she didn’t cost anything at lunch
OP posts:
Needahug72 · 05/11/2020 10:43

We always take the alcohol off before splitting the bill if someone had not been drinking alcohol, the split the alcohol bill between the drinkers

Whysrumgone · 05/11/2020 10:44

Also you weren’t even there during the discussion about the bill being split evenly, so you couldn’t agree (or disagree) to it. You definitely shouldn’t have to pay more than your own

Nottherealslimshady · 05/11/2020 10:45

In that situation everyone should pay their own. Most of the time when we go out everyone has the same number of courses and one or two drinks so we split it.
If you drink or eat more then you pay for it.

pudcat · 05/11/2020 10:46

If we split the bill as a family we work out what we each have spent. I am not expected to fork out for someone having a TBone steak or huge mixed grill if I am only having lasagne. If I have invited everyone though to celebrate a birthday then I will foot the bill. But then again if anyone has an expensive meal or extra wine etc they usually offer to pay towards it. It really needs sorting out as a family before your next meal.

Original poster
IHaveAGreyLamp · 05/11/2020 10:46

@JustHereWithPopcorn

YANBU unless there is a backstory with money between you all. My parents would never bother arguing with me over £15, are they normally like that? I would have done the same as you.
Yes there is a backstory. They can be a bit funny about money sometimes. They are so lovely and generous with certain things and then with other things they are bizarrely tight. They are not hard up either.

We have to be careful with money at the moment as I’m not working (SAHM) so things are budgeted. £15 doesn’t seem like a lot for the sake of it but every little counts doesn’t it?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 05/11/2020 10:47

I think the fact your parents had a bottle of wine each at lunch is insane but that’s not the point...

YANBU. Splitting bills evenly is only fine if everyone has had a similar amount of food/drink.

When someone has a starter and a glass of wine and someone else has 3 courses and a bottle of wine it’s crap. And funnily enough it’s always the 3 course bottle of winers that want an even split.

kowari · 05/11/2020 10:48

Have your parents subsidised your Dsis and BIL when they paid for theirs and yours, if they paid 3/5 of the bill when it should have been less?

FlyNow · 05/11/2020 10:48

I agree with you OP. Between the four of them, they had 2 bottles of wine, 1 glass of prosecco, 4 pints and 2 liquor coffees. I think it's fair they split that cost.

Does your dm have form for being cheap? Maybe tell your sister to take it up with her?

Winniewonka · 05/11/2020 10:49

Offer them £7.50, and say in future that you'll deduct exactly what you owe from the menu and the four of them can split the rest. If you want a glass of wine make sure you buy an individual one. It might sound petty but your parents are the ones being unreasonable.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/11/2020 10:49

We had many years of this before DH chose to cut off his family.

I rarely drank (ill rather than through choice) and his family drink as though alcohol was being withdrawn from the universe at midnight! They could easily double a bill, and more, with beer wine, snifters, gaelic coffee, one for the road etc.

I don't know what a more amenable solution would be than just to laugh and say no!

Brefugee · 05/11/2020 10:50

You should have endured the 5 more minutes of fractiousness to make it clear that you wanted to pay only for what you consumed.

TBH it's best to get these things sorted out at the beginning of a meal - otherwise you have one person ordering steak, lobster and champagne and the one person who is on a tight budget having a side salad and tap water both paying the same.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 05/11/2020 10:52

I suppose it depends how hard up you are and if £15 makes a bit difference to you.

If it does, then you don't order two bottles of wine - plenty of folk wouldn't even eat out at all.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 05/11/2020 10:52

Your parents are being ridiculous on several counts.

However, you know what they're like, so you should have taken steps to prevent being in this position.

Such a shame to have spoilt a nice family meal out, especially with how things are.

Either pay or tell them to did iff, but avoid putting yourself in that position again.

DelilahfromDevon · 05/11/2020 10:53

I always split the bill. For me it's swings and roundabouts. Yes it's annoying when someone has had a filet mignon and you've had a bowl of pasta but that's the price you pay for having a group lunch/dinner.

In your case, pay the bill this time - don't fall out over £15 unless you really can't afford to be out of pocket, but don't go out with them again. Or if you do go again, lay down the boundaries before the lunch (eg I'm happy to split the food bill but I'm not drinking so can drinks be excluded etc)

thereisonlyoneofme · 05/11/2020 10:54

This is an age old bugbear of mine, Going out with a group of friends and there was always one couple who had the most expensive things on the menu and then wanted to split the bill evenly! Personally I would pay the extra £15 this time so as to not cause family upset but be wary of future meals

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2020 10:55

How much was your prosecco?
I would have just split it because sometimes I'd order more and sometimes less so it all works out

Bluntness100 · 05/11/2020 10:57

I think if you’re struggling it’s mean for your parents to make you split fairly, but it is better to say up front to thr group I will be paying for my own and not splitting the bill evenly then there is no mistake.

I can’t imagine asking my daughter for fifteen quid, but then I’d not have accepted the thirty off her either, however I’d also just have asked what my share was in this scenario and paid it.

GU24Mum · 05/11/2020 10:59

I think it muddies the water if you drink a bit but less than the others. Far easier to split the food one way and the alcohol another if you didn't have any at all.

Personally, I'd pay up this time but not be available next time or say if you're asked again that it cost a lot for you against what you'd had last time so you'll pass.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/11/2020 10:59

@Shoxfordian

How much was your prosecco? I would have just split it because sometimes I'd order more and sometimes less so it all works out
I'm assuming less than two bottles of wine
MagicMoneyTree · 05/11/2020 10:59

In our family we'd be arguing more about whether or not I had to pay my parents back! (i.e. they'd be saying "ahh don't worry about it" while I insisted on transferring them the 30 quid) –so to me this just sounds completely bonkers. I'd just leave it (not pay the extra £15) and turn down family meals for a while.