Who is BU? Possible CF-ery over bill splitting

[IHaveAGreyLamp]

I’m interested in peoples opinions on how a restaurant bill should have been split as currently my family are 50/50 as to who is BU!

Last week my parents, DSis and her husband, toddler DD and I went for a family lunch.

DParents had two bottles of wine. BIL had four pints. DSis had a glass of Prosecco and then two glasses of wine from the wine on the table. I had one glass of Prosecco. DSis and my Dad had liqueur coffees also.

After a lovely meal, toddler DD got a bit fractious and tired. It was taking ages to get the bill so I asked if my parents would cover my bill so I could make a swift exit and that I’d pay them when I saw them again.

Yesterday I gave my mum £30, to cover my food and one Prosecco and also a bit towards a tip.

DM is now demanding an extra £15 because they ‘split’ the bill between the 5 of us. I don’t even mind splitting a bill evenly (even if someone people had more courses etc) but given that they all had a lot to drink and I didn’t, I don’t think I should be contributing to the booze that the rest of them had!

DSis and BIL doesn’t think it’s fair I should be made to pay for the drink, but my parents do. Usually if I’m out for a meal I will happily split it if things are fairly even, and if I’d had even just one glass of wine from the bottle I would have just split it without argument (I wouldn’t be whipping out the calculator to see how much I owed for one glass of wine from a bottle type of thing!) But I’m a bit miffed because if I’ve been drinking at dinner and others haven’t, I will always say it’s not fair for the non-drinkers to pay for alcohol and will usually insist that the drinks bill is sorted separately to the food bill.

What do you think? Should I have been funding their lunch time drinking and just sucked it up? Or are they being cheeky?

YABU- You should have accepted the splitting of the bill including the booze
YANBU- It’s unfair of them to expect you to pay for the booze when you didn’t have any

I think your sister should have spoken up at the time if she thought you shouldn't be paying for the booze and they could have split the bill accordingly then. As it is you mother is now out of pocket - whether or not she is just being tight. My parents wouldn't have let anyone pay the bill at all, but I know not everyone can afford to be as generous as they would like to be. If you feel really strongly about this ask for the itemised bill and you can work out how much your sister and her husband owe your mum.

Some years ago my family took my mother our for her 60th birthday, parents , 4 adult children ( of which I was one) 1 sibling had 1 child and 1 partner, 1 sibling had 1 child and 0 partner, 1 sibling had 3 children and a partner , I didn't have any a partner on or a child. It was decided to split the bill between the siblings. All children ate full portions. That was not fair and the sibling with a party of 5 got away very light compared to me.

As you had so much less I would have paid just yours and left them to split the rest 50/50 if that's what they wanted

I would tell your parents what you've said here. Things are tight and you're only covering your share. They can't make you pay the £15.

In our family its customary to split the bill but we are all generally drinking if thats the case. If one of us doesn't that gets reflected in the bill generally as its just consideration towards the none drinker.

If DSis is on your side you could always tell your parents you’ve given the money you owe them to her as part payment of their drinks at the bar after, and then drop in that she’ll be expecting the rest from them later

nah split the food between eaters and the drink between drinkers - and agree UPFRONT what the plan is - fucking hate this sort of shit. I would have been straight back with I wasn't the one drinking wine by the bottle. I will happily cover my wine and split food but I am not splitting the wine, you forget how things are for us at the moment and its unreasonable to expect me to sub your drinking. Answer is SIL and BIL give parents 7.50 parents cover other 7.50

scrap what I said and follow the brilliant advice from @McAvennie

As a teetotal vegetarian, I hate bill splitting. YANBU especially if this isn't standard practise for your family or discussed beforehand.

I would just pay it this time but not eat out with them again! As family they should not be putting extra financial pressure on you. If you DSis and BIL thought you shouldn't pay why didn't they insist on sharing the drinks bill when they paid the bill, or are your parents a bit overbearing?

I think the four of them were cheeky to split it five ways, when you weren't there, all of them knowing you were going to be subsidising their alcohol. Your parents now feel hard done by, as the other pair got cheaper drinks at either your or their expense.

However, you should have been clear when you left, either paying the £30, giving parents cash or saying "mine comes to about £30, I'll get it back to you..."

They are being massively cheeky. I hate bill splitting like this as I don't drink. I got stung once with work colleagues. Now I speak up and pay what I owe.

I as a parent would not dream of asking you for more money. When we go out with our children and grandchildren my DH picks up the whole bill anyway

'I can't afford to pay for everyone else's drinks'

The end.

They are being very cheeky. No matter who I go out with we are always very careful that the non drinkers don't have to subsidise those who are drinking. It is only fair.

If you covered your food and drink and a bit for a tip.

They're being VERY unreasonable and mean to you given your reduced circumstances. I'd be reluctant to go to out to eat with them again and if I did would be making the point beforehand that I'm paying for my own food only!

Wow your parents are stingy CF's!! I'm with McAvennie. You and your DSis / DBroIL need to collude to knock this one on the head.

I'm a non drinker. I don't drink alcohol ever. So it drives me insane if I'm paying for 6 other people at £50 bottles of wine! No no and no

Suggest from now on splitting the bill to what you are. Or splitting the food and drink. Then splitting the alcohol

It's usually the people who ate / drank more who want to split the bill equally, and think you're being petty if you disagree. I don't like that attitude, but it's common

YABU - you should have agreed upfront how the bill was to be divided rather than post payment squabbling

I hate this when couples end up hiking the price up for the single person to cover their costs (even worse when it's your own parents).
I know it's only £15 but that could go to paying a bill or to the grocery shop.
Tell them that you won't be paying the extra as you've already covered your meal/drinks cost and leave it at that.

@Bluntness100

I’d have assumed this wasn’t the first time you went out with them op. And you knew how the bill was usually split. I stand corrected. If there is no precedent, then it would have been better to clarify how it would be split before you left.

The whole drinking for free thing though, I can’t imagine thinking that about my friends or family, I guess we are all different. I suspect though your parents odd attitude to money is very similar to yours.

How the fuck does the OP have an odd attitude to money?

In the real world most people are decent, like the BIL and sister and would not expect anyone to pay for bottles of wine they didn't drink. So why would you clarify before a meal?

I think when it's family you need just to split the bill. When it's friends it's different. And you say your parents are normally generous.

But why, Ariadne?

That's like saying that people are starting from the position that their friends and family are planning to take advantage of their good nature, fear of making a fuss or being tight for the crime of, shock horror, only paying for what they've personally consumed, and need to announce at the start if they don't want this to happen. Do people really go out for a meal with the expectation that others will pick up part of their tab for them?

@ILoveYoga

It is customary to split bill evenly unless agreed in advance, then you could have your own bill. Suggest you do that going forward and it avoids any problems

With that said, I do think it petty for your parents to insist on the £15. That’s not a lot of money and to cause family discord over £15 seems very petty

It’s not a lot to you. It’s around a third of our weekly food shop for four people at the moment. OP is saying they’re having to budget at the moment. In similar circumstances, I’d have chosen things that were within my means and I’d be thinking of this extra £15 and seeing it as several days worth of food for the family that my own parents were asking for just to subsidise their own boozing.

It’s 50% of what OP has already paid, and it’s for things that she has not partaken of.

OP, don’t pay it. You and your sister are both on the same page here, plus they carried on being CFs after you left - they haven’t got a leg to stand on. Ignore it and don’t give them any more money.

I think it’s outrageous they decided to spend your money without consulting you. I wouldn’t pay out of principle.