To feel ashamed of my past and sad about my life

[NoelleGallagher]

I'm 27 with a preschooler and a baby, both by different fathers, neither of whom are involved. I had a rough childhood and did badly at school, haven't achieved any qualifications, etc. I've never had a proper, serious relationship. We live in a very run down flat, I'm on benefits and can't drive. I love my kids so much that my heart physically hurts and want more for them. I also want more for myself but deep down feel that I don't deserve it. My friends tell me I'm attractive but I have no self confidence, I don't see why any man would want to be with me. At the moment I am trying to regain control by paying back debt which in about 2 years, should hopefully mean we can move to a better property. I have aims of starting college but everything seems so uncertain and muddled with Covid. Mostly, I'm really lonely and feel inferior to everyone else.

Your kids are happy, healthy and loved. You didnt stay with crappy men, whatever the reason. You recognise the issues in your past and you are sorting out the future. You sound pretty damn cool to me, i'd love to be friends with someone like you.

Please repeat after me

A man is not the solution
YOU are worth your tima and effort

Then wotk on your plan, you are still young, lots of time to achieve your goals.

Where do you want to be, or working as at 30 or 40?

Whether a man wants you or not doesn’t matter here. What’s important is that you want to do better for yourself and your children. It’s the attitude that matters and the hard work that will follow. 27 is still young and you will find a way. One word of advice would be to check that the area you do a qualification in is likely to result in a job. Other than that, Good luck!

YOU love your kids. You don't need a man. Work on what you want to achieve, it sounds like you have ambition and drive. Sea with the rest of it as it happens.

You can turn things around for yourself and your DCs you've already overcome a lot. Don't give up x

please know your self worth. It won't always be this way.

You sound amazing.

You’ve overcome so much and you still have time to achieve all the things you mention.

Your children are happy, healthy and know that they are loved. You’re smashing it

It's a very difficult and lonely situation to be in. You're not inferior, you feel that because you've no confidence due to your circumstances. You need the self esteem that comes from living a life you're proud of. You'll get there if you find a way to build it now.

As much as everything seems to be against you now, your troubles are temporary, you are young, self aware, able and you want a better future for yourself and your kids.

It won't happen overnight. In five years, you could create a life for yourself that is completely unrecognisable to the one you're living now. You have to believe in yourself, have vision of where you want to be and a plan to get there.

There's a lot of courses available online now, that might be helpful for the moment. You could look into volunteer work which would show future employers your drive etc... Baby steps... They'll lead to new opportunities.

You sound like a really strong and good person to me. Well done on taking control and starting to pay back the debt I bet that feels like a weight off your shoulders. Could you get in to uni by doing a foundation degree first? I went to uni pregnant and then had a baby and it was good because you can get a grant to pay for childcare which I could have never have afforded. I don't know if colleges offer the same type of thing?

You are being waaay too hard on yourself, something most, if not all people do at some time or other. You have love in your heart for your children and yourself, as you readily state the past and present and want better for you all in the future.
Times being as they are, self reflection is natural. You are no waaaaay inferior. We all have a past. You are at the very least equal, as many people run from their past, never self reflect, take responsibility etc. Your truth looks different to your friends and your honesty is to be respected. Yet... your friends see you differently. Allow yourself to see you like they do.
Go easy on yourself. You have a Bounce Back Game gameplan. Work with it and incorporate some fun and manageable challenges. What can you do within a 24 hour period that pats you on the back? That champions you? Often, these things, these goals cost nothing or are very cheap. Your debt goal still on-track.
Have you tried some free, online courses? Things like that do wonders for self esteem and joy.
Have fun doing you, making your life enjoyable. Men will always be there when you are ready. You'll have your pick! Covid has upsides - many positives online like access to clubs, communities, lessons, certificated courses etc.
Leave the past where it is. Take only the lessons from the past - there's always at least one. Enjoy your present and make a flexible, achievable plan for the future. Keep that lovely gratitude and expand upon it. 🤗

My local council does online gcses for free if you've not achieved equivalent of a grade c. This could be the foundations while you learn what you would enjoy doing which you can commit to when your baby is older. Don't put it off and don't let the size of what is needed overwhelm you.

You sound lovely op. Don't be ashamed of your past, it's shaped who you are. You haven't had it the easiest and that makes you strong.

You sound like you’re doubting your self worth. Please don’t as you have overcome obstacles to provide a caring loving home for your children which is what they need.

Are there any further education opportunities available to you? It sounds like you have the best of motivations.

I have a lovely capable wife, earn good money and have a good support network. That period with a baby and a preschooler was still really fucking hard.

I genuinely don't know how you cope. It's heroic- far more so than some of the people our society idolises.

Hunker down, do the best by your kids in this hard bit and it will get better.

Do make some time for yourself (yeah, I know, but you must). There are loads of free online courses and there will never be an easier time than lockdown to learn to drive. Do something, even if it's just more exercise or taking up knitting.

I think you are amazing tbh to rear one, let alone two children, on your own. Being the single head of a family is no mean feat.

It’s maybe time to see if rather than look for a man right now you might want to see if you can find women in your locality who are in similar circumstances so that you can make friendships and lean a bit on each other?

Good luck with your training. I hope you find something you can succeed at and that it leads to a better future for your family and for you.

I’ve worked in a social care service and have seen kids coming from apparent wealth and privilege suffering from shocking abuse and DV so don’t doubt yourself - a happy home is about a lot more than money. It’s clear from your post you want so much for your kids and you will do your best for them and that’s all anyone can do.

I'm 41 now, but the difference between when I was 27 and now is just enormous, I can't even describe. The one thing I have learnt over these years though is that comparing yourself to others will never make you happy, there will always be others who are better off than you, but most of the time there will be people in a more difficult situation than you, and the key is to hold on to what you DO have (in your case your beautiful children).

You have so much time to make small changes that will, over time, make massive differences. But while you're doing it, make sure you appreciate what you already have because looking at what others appear to have will just make you miserable.

My goodness, OP!!! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please stop being so hard on yourself.

It's okay to feel sad and lonely, but never ever ever question your worth. You are worth just as much as anyone else. No man or qualifications or fancy home needed to justify that!

You are your little people's world and you are clearly a wonderful mother. You sound like you are everything that they need.

I think regardless of situation, we always want the best for our children and can often feel like we aren't giving them that. Well paid people sometimes have debt, people with lovely homes aren't always happy, mothers may live with the father of their child(ren) but that doesn't mean he's contributing in a meaningful way to their upbringing... You see what I'm saying.

You do you. You're bloody awesome.

I agree with the previous poster who said a man is not the solution.

You can absolutely improve your financial and living situation and that of your children, by studying and working (given the age of your children this will take a number of years to achieve, and that is fine). In the meantime your children have you, and that is all they really need. Yes, it may be lonely for you, but you have friends as well as your children. In time you will no doubt meet the right guy, but this should not be your main goal right now.

Shame is a waste of your time. Honestly, not one thing will change because of it. Try to think about what you want for the future and find out how to get there. It probably won't be easy but bit by bit you can make the life you want for yourself and your children.
You are absolutely worth a better life. Y

Do try not to compare - from your post you seem smart and articulate.

I totally agree about not hanging success or happiness on a man, and not worrying about the past - concentrate on yourself and your kids, and working towards the future you want. You are still young and there is time for you to work on things like your living situation. But as others have said, you are doing an amazing thing bringing up two kids on your own. Good luck!

Set your goals high abd aim high, even if you only reach the roof and not the stars you'll be in a better place for you and your children

DONT RELY ON MEN

Good luck from the bottom of my heart! I did it, got A levels, degree and PhD after fucking up GCSE"s - find that way and do yourself proud, you've got what it takes, go for it

I think you're absolutely amazing, honestly.

I would flounder and sink without support with my children. You're carrying so much responsibility and still your heart is alight with love.

You're also still very young and the world is still there in two, five, ten years. Many academics have the highest respect for mature students who are also parents.

You aren't defined by your past. You're being so hard on yourself. Everyone has things they regret or feel they've failed at. It can feel overwhelming if you haven't got a great support network. But there is a way out. Many college courses are free if you're on benefits . They're all online where I live now,due to Covid, which would be easier re childcare etc. If you want to go even further & do a degree there are Government loans (see info on Gov.UK website ) you don't pay back til you're earning at least £25K : and many places give £ bursaries to students on benefits too. You can change things, don't feel it's hopeless. The more you do,the more your confidence will build.

OP your post actually made me cry.

Your children have an amazing, strong mother who wants the best for them. This is enough for them.

You should be proud of your self awareness and take small, achievable steps to sort out the bits of your life that you want or need to.

I'd bet that in five year's time, your story will be very different!!!

You have a plan. This is REALLY important. Do something every day towards your plan. And keep loving your kids (as if anyone needs to tell you that)

That's it. That's all you have to do. The first person's respect you will gain is your own - and that's the most important person to have respect from. Vital, in fact. Other things will follow, and perhaps a relationship will be one of those things, perhaps not, doesn't matter.

Just do your plan. You will be glad you focussed on it, and so will your kids. Good things will come, including a new self confident mindset.

Certainly, things do seem muddled uncertain with COVID. That's one feeling you share with pretty much everybody. But everybody feels insecure and inferior sometimes too. You're not alone.

There is a concept 'good enough' parenting. Basically it accepts that things are not amazing or perfect but they are good enough. Kids are loved, fed, warm and safe. Everything else is a bonus.

Sounds like you meet all this and more. Doesnt mean there aren't things you could improve but in general everything is ok.