To feel ashamed of my past and sad about my life

[NoelleGallagher]

I'm 27 with a preschooler and a baby, both by different fathers, neither of whom are involved. I had a rough childhood and did badly at school, haven't achieved any qualifications, etc. I've never had a proper, serious relationship. We live in a very run down flat, I'm on benefits and can't drive. I love my kids so much that my heart physically hurts and want more for them. I also want more for myself but deep down feel that I don't deserve it. My friends tell me I'm attractive but I have no self confidence, I don't see why any man would want to be with me. At the moment I am trying to regain control by paying back debt which in about 2 years, should hopefully mean we can move to a better property. I have aims of starting college but everything seems so uncertain and muddled with Covid. Mostly, I'm really lonely and feel inferior to everyone else.

^^ this, OP.
You are doing a fab job. Love yourself, too

You have happy kids and take care of them. It's hard to get on in life without a leg up. Give your kids the leg up by encouraging education, spending time doing things together (cycling, learn to play chess or cards - good for maths) helping with homework and making sure they're healthy.

You're not inferior to anyone you just started ina different place. Try and get out of debt for now, that's your goal. Then think about college and employment.

A man comes last or by happenstance. Learn to be proud of who you are alone. Head up, make plans, work at it little by little.

You've got two well cared for kids, you're ambitious because you want something better, and you are attractive. You have a lot going for you!

(I'm a bit of an old boot and I'd love to be attractive!)

Shame is a waste of your time. Honestly, not one thing will change because of it.

If I could go back in time and give my younger self ONE piece of advice this would be it. As soon as you accept yourself (sharing experiences can be a way to lead to self acceptance) shame goes and wide horizons open up.

The BEAUTY of life is we don't realise as we are climbing up one long peak, wondering if we will ever get out the valley, that when we do reach the peak we then find, not only, an amazing view behind us, but also an amazing view ahead with even more valleys and peaks.

You can enjoy the peak, you can climb another one, your choice, neither is right or wrong, and you can also realise that you are in fact the mountain and don't need to climb a peak at all to be just strong.

^my sleep deprived ramblings anyway!

Bloody hell OP you’re 10 years younger than me and raising TWO children ON YOUR OWN, in probably the hardest decade of your life to have children. I could just about take care of myself at your age and years later having just one child, WITH the support of a wonderful and loving husband, nearly broke me at times.

You’re a fucking superhero!!! Also, you don’t drive so aren’t contributing to the complete meltdown of the planet 👍👍👍

Forget the man; the kind of man you’d actually want is attracted to a woman living her best life so go out and do that anyway!

I think you sound amazing. Your love for your kids shines through.
I say this as the daughter of someone who put herself through medical school, worked for nine months and then gave up. She abused her children, so all of us are damaged and none of us really love her. My Dad hates her because she made him miserable too. She threw everything away. Whereas you have everything in front of you and your kids are so lucky to have a mother who loves them like you do.

Baby steps , when I feel like this even one task a day helps
I think the course is something to target and look forward to
Remember you are raising your kids , paying of debt and moving forwards
Screw the past . We have all have a past , I’ve moved on from mine

But most importantly really try and be kind to yourself

You are looking at it the wrong way.
You had a rough childhood but you won’t make that mistake for your kids.
You are a single parent, being a single parent can be wonderful. You aren’t in a unhappy relationship.
You want to start college.
You have starting to pay off debt.
These are all positives.
However if you want to make your life better you can. And you and your family DOES deserve it

Forget men and focus on doing the best you can for your children. And get decent contraception just in case. You are still young so be patient and concentrate on the children for now.

One day at a time. You love your bubbas and that makes you an awesome mamma. Things are terribly muddled at the moment, but focus on your plan and take whatever small steps you can. Things will get better.

Being a stable parent for your children is a huge success. That really is all they need. Sure, figure out a career plan to improve your financial situation because that will make your life easier in the long run, but just keep your eye on a nice simple home life and it will be good. N

Op don't be hard on yourself, anybody whether stranger, friend or potential partner who would judge you for your past isn't worth your time...if they are that judgemental and shallow then you are better off without them.

You are still young enough to turn your life around....you have your course, you have your two kids....set yourself 1 goal at a time and aim towards achieving it (if you try to change your whole life at once it can see overwhelming and not know where to start, but if you change 1 thing at a time, it's easy and doable)

I run a business and I always recruit attitude and experience over qualifications.

Same here. It's quite sad how many women interview and basically apologise for having had time off to raise their children. I see that as hard work and valuable experience and yes, attitude is the #1 thing that decides for me if I will offer a job. Every time. Qualifications have a measure if importance (depending on the role) but attitude matters far more. Quiet confidence is what I look for, and interview nerves doesn't really matter, either.

Be proud of yourself, OP. I think you have the mindset to build a great life for yourself and your kids.

Thank you all so, so much for the thoughtful, kind and really helpful responses to my post. I wasn't expecting this many. I am feeling much better this morning, I've dropped my eldest DC to preschool and been and purchased a new notebook and pen from the supermarket. I've written down my goals and a realistic timescale for when I would like to achieve them. First is to clear my debts, followed by settling my youngest DC in preschool and starting driving lessons, then find a college course which interests me and would lead to a job. The problem is, I don't know what I'm good at. A man doesn't feature on my list. I do feel lonely but I know that isn't what I need right now. I just want to give my children the life that I wish they were born in to. Every mother thinks their kids are beautiful and amazing but I wish I could show you all mine so you could see it too. My daughter is so bright, funny and caring and my baby son is the sweetest little boy I've ever seen, he has the loveliest curls and never stops smiling! I'm lucky, I know this really.

I'm glad you're feeling brighter today :)

Re college course...

What subjects did you enjoy most at school? If you're unsure, look into a few now and see what takes your fancy. College admissions will be helpful as well and they should have tutors from subject areas who can chat to you about their topics.

You could also either choose a course that will give you a broad solid foundation for any type of future career or work out what you might like (and not want) in a future job, identify what jobs you rule out/rule in and work backwards to see what course matches.

Eg - hours, office based, caring role, problem solving, working with people.

Take a look at prospects.ac.uk - they have a careers quiz which can help guide your thinking and all their job and course profiles details working conditions, salary, career progression and key skills.

Reach out to local careers advisory services and college admissions- they'll be skilled in helping you work things out.

Also, although you're looking at courses, don't be afraid to try different job types out, sometimes it takes us all a few goes to work out what we're best suited for, and what you don't want to do is as important as what you do!

@TaraR2020

I'm glad you're feeling brighter today :)

Re college course...

What subjects did you enjoy most at school? If you're unsure, look into a few now and see what takes your fancy. College admissions will be helpful as well and they should have tutors from subject areas who can chat to you about their topics.

You could also either choose a course that will give you a broad solid foundation for any type of future career or work out what you might like (and not want) in a future job, identify what jobs you rule out/rule in and work backwards to see what course matches.

Eg - hours, office based, caring role, problem solving, working with people.

Take a look at prospects.ac.uk - they have a careers quiz which can help guide your thinking and all their job and course profiles details working conditions, salary, career progression and key skills.

Reach out to local careers advisory services and college admissions- they'll be skilled in helping you work things out.

Also, although you're looking at courses, don't be afraid to try different job types out, sometimes it takes us all a few goes to work out what we're best suited for, and what you don't want to do is as important as what you do!

Thank you, that's really helpful. I enjoyed English at school. I got an A* in every piece of my English GCSE coursework, I remember being really proud of that. I had so much crap going on in my home life at the time (alcoholic mother) that I didn't bother showing up for the actual exam and my overall result wasn't as good as it could of been. I hated maths and science. Other subjects I liked were history and religious studies. I don't want to work in an office. One career I have considered is a social worker type job. I think my past could benefit me in that kind of role actually.

Op if you got A English then honestly if I was in your shoes I would sign up to the ou and do an access course or even just start a part time degree with them. I left school with no Gcses at all. I did an access course at 21 when I was a single mum to two kids the same age as yours. I then did the first year of an English degree and dropped out after getting pregnant again. When I was 30 I started feeling really unhappy and subbed up to the OU. It was the best choice I've ever made. I am 41 now and have a BA, and MA and am looking into PhDs. It's given me a confidence that I never knew I had and if you can produce A course work then you can start the first year of an OU English degree. They don't have any entry requirements and the year one courses give you an excellent foundation for academic learning. You can fit it totally around your kids by doing a few hours here and there. Have a look at the start dates, some are jan/feb and some sept/Oct. if the one you want to do starts next sept/Oct then look at the access courses. If you complete the access course and go onto a degree then they refund the access cost to your student loans.

Education that will improve employment is the best gift you can give to yourself and your kids and it means that you can still attend the important school dates etc as the OU is flexible around family. You could have a degree in 6 years part time or 3 years full time. And the boost to your confidence will be amazing.

There's a good book by Martha Beck called 'finding your north star' that I found helpful when working out what i wanted from life/work.

I also found daydreaming helpful - imagining my ideal happy future maybe 20 years ahead, then working back from that. It's not turned out exactly as I imagined but not all that far off, tbh. I think it can help to have a goal and then break it down into tiny - tiny! - steps.

Glad you're feeling better. Good luck!

If you have survived two men who were not men enough to stick around because they were not men enough, you have done well. You do not need a man, least of all not men like that!
You didn't do well at school? Trust me I teach hundreds of kids. I have them come back at parents evenings with their own kids. I look at them with the most pride, you know why? Because bringing up children and wanting g what is best for them inspite of the hardship is a feat in itself! You have avoided d a life of drugs, alcohol, abuse, child neglect. In spite of all that YOU are a person that wants to build a better life for her children. You didnt just fall and never stand up again. You never fell in the first place. You remained stood up while the storm was the strongest therefore you succeeded.

You're 27? Bah you're a youngster still! You have such a good future ahead of you, you know why? Because you have ambition, you have drive, you care and you SURVIVED hardship. You will do so well. So much better than many people who get handed most things and never really wanted to do anything.

Please pm if you need help along the way. I am here for advice. You will come out the other end with a bang!

If you google the open university there are free courses. Why not just look through for ideas . I don’t know what the criteria is but you can probably just try things to see what you like.

www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

you have a plan OP, you're half way there. Do you have any support from anyone?
You're still very young so have plenty of time to figure out what you're going to do.

In addition to the support from PPs, may I add that you write with great clarity and feeling?

You have goals, ambition, drive and purpose and I wish you all the very best. Keep on keepin' on.

Op - those are fantastic gcse results and you are rightly proud. To be enjoy and be strong in English, history and science gives you a great basis for going forward. Most employers still value traditional academic subjects above others because the of rigour of study involved. (I have background in these so feel free to get in touch if you want to chat.)

A* at gcse is not an easy grade to make, you are clearly very intelligent and able to think critically - don't underestimate how valuable this is, not everyone is capable of it even in well paid roles. Why didn't you count your excellent gcses as an achievement??

The OU is a great idea. Have you also come across Future Learn? Its a platform offering free courses in all sorts of subjects, some can be used as academic credit but you may find it most useful as a way of trying out some of your interests. Its taught by universities and you exchange thoughts with other students. Pretty much ever subject is covered, including health and social care.

You have everything going for you - and more because you've lived a little so recognise the value of what you're embarking on. Pps are right - tutors love mature students.