To feel ashamed of my past and sad about my life

[NoelleGallagher]

I'm 27 with a preschooler and a baby, both by different fathers, neither of whom are involved. I had a rough childhood and did badly at school, haven't achieved any qualifications, etc. I've never had a proper, serious relationship. We live in a very run down flat, I'm on benefits and can't drive. I love my kids so much that my heart physically hurts and want more for them. I also want more for myself but deep down feel that I don't deserve it. My friends tell me I'm attractive but I have no self confidence, I don't see why any man would want to be with me. At the moment I am trying to regain control by paying back debt which in about 2 years, should hopefully mean we can move to a better property. I have aims of starting college but everything seems so uncertain and muddled with Covid. Mostly, I'm really lonely and feel inferior to everyone else.

I’d not have made the same choices as you, but shame is pointless and achieves nothing. It’s almost self indulgent and gets in the way of working towards a better life for you all.
A man is not the answer. A man may actually stop you achieving more sustainable improvements.
Your love is a good start, but you and they deserve more. It’s not going to happen overnight, it’s not going to be easy but it is possible.
Go for it. Ensure they make the most of their education. Same goes for you. Not necessarily a degree straight off, but learning and setting a culture of learning in the home. Then maybe a few online courses to set you on the path to improved employment when they’re a bit older.
Open University have some free short courses.

You sound bloody amazing, OP, hats off.

Love your children. Keep doing what you're doing. You're giving them a gift that many far more 'privileged' children will sadly not receive. They will admire you for your bravery, your strength, your determination as well as love you for all that you do for them. You're providing a wonderful role model to them. You are doing a very, very difficult job with limited resources, and you have not given up. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to do all this on your own.

I'm sorry you're lonely. I've been lonely as hell this year. Covid, obviously, but sometimes we find ourselves in lonely periods in our lives. When all our time and energy is invested in children we end up with little left to give to ourselves. Once you start valuing & taking care of yourself a bit mroe, then I think maybe other people will show up and value you, too.

You deserve to be so bloody proud of yourself. I hope you can hear the sincere admiration from everyone on this thread. I hope you can also take some time to look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Be excessively gentle with yourself, as the saying goes.

Nobody in the world is inferior to any other person. That just doesn't mean anything, it's not true. We're not measured in worth, and certainly not by our house value, whether or not we can drive, whether we have a long relationship or not. This is all stuff that can certainly have a big impact on our lives, but equally certainly has zero bearing at all on our worth as a person. Nada.

What matters is our integrity, our courage, our loving, our patience, all that. All that you have.

You are equally as beautiful as the universe. Another saying. All the best, OP.

Life happens, you’ve already done the hard work by recognising that you’re not happy and making a plan to change your life. Covid is a game changer but just take it as an opportunity to be quiet at home with your lovely children while they’re so young, keep paying off your debt and look into your options wrt education and moving home. You sound like you’re making some really positive changes and you have your whole life ahead of you, you’ll get there!

As you get older (I'm much older) you'll realise that the only important thing in life is the quality of your relationships with those you love.

You already have this covered, And you are working on the rest.

I'd say you are way ahead already.

Just because you didn't do well at school when you were a teenager doesn't mean you won't do well in education as an adult. Sign up to some online classes, watch some youtube tutorials. There are a million things in the world that you could excel at, either as a hobby to improve your self esteem or as something you could turn into your own business, so try lots of different things until you find what clicks. And education doesn't just mean essays and formulas, it could be massage, flower arranging, baking cupcakes, painting, upcycling furniture, book illustration, make-up artistry, face painting, dressmaking/alterations, photography, plumbing, tiling, yoga ...

Focus on doing the things you enjoy doing. Focus on your children. Forget your past.

Your spelling and grammar is good, so I don’t think your lack of qualifications reflects your potential. I was in your situation 20 years ago - almost exactly. I signed up for the Open University (I had no qualifications previously) and did a degree over many years (with funding). I’m now a teacher. Circumstances had dealt me a bum hand, but wanting the best for my kids was enough to help me change things.
Your circumstances don’t define you OP

You are coping alone with two young children, you are paying off your debts, you have a plan, you should be proud of yourself!
A man will not make you happy, you need to be happy and confident in yourself, concentrate on you and what you can do. There are lots of free courses available online, you could start by picking something you are interested in, gain a qualification and confidence in your abilities.
Your past does not define who you are today so don’t let it limit your future, take small steps and build yourself up.

One step at a time. Focus less on finding a man and more on finding yourself. Now is a great time to study - especially as things will be moving more online - possibly more flexibility as a parent. Make a plan and break it down into smaller steps. You can do it. One of my favourite sayings is 'Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway'. My mum made up for her education and career much later in life, I was 17 when she started studying. It's the thing that makes me most proud of her. It wasn't easy, and it took time, but she did it.

You're still young and there is nothing in your past that you should be ashamed of. There are opportunities out there for you to gain qualifications with a local college.

I didn't pass my driving test until I was 27 and that was motivated by having a child, so it's not too late.

You are disciplined about debt repayment and you are planning for your future, so just keep going.

I also agree that having a man is not necessarily the solution. Better to be on your own and learn to be independent, than in a crap relationship. You love your children and you are doing your best for them already.

You have many years ahead, so look forward to what you can do rather than be ashamed for what you didn't do. All the best.

There’s a lot you can change and work on. But I feel the grass will always be greener for you.
Why don’t you try making lists, starting with a list of everything you need to be grateful for. Then a to-do list. Can you try and get a job? 16 hrs and get on tax credits etc? You’ll be much better off financially and have a sense of purpose. Are you on the waiting list for a council place?
Can you start learning to drive? Even if you can’t afford lessons just yet, can you go online and learn the theory side and learn how to drive and maybe sit in a friends car and learn the basics?

You sound like you have a lot of self awareness and can see clearly where you want to go, and most importantly, you must live your babies to bits

I was 28 and on my own with my DS from a no good father, I also left school with one O level! It took me 15 years to get back to work through volunteering and I then went to university, did well and am progressing in work

My low self esteem influenced my poor life choices when I was young, and held me back when I was a parent, but you are thinking now of how to make changes, and I’m sure you have the drive to improve your life chances. Study now for your GCSEs, it will help you progress once your youngest is in nursery.

It’s possible and doable because you want better for your kids

I can only go by what you have written, and how you have written it. From that, you sound intelligent, strong and principled. You sound like a mother who wants the best for her children, and a better life for yourself. You have done the best in difficult circumstances and should be proud of that. Keep going, keep being a good role model for your children. The best example you can give them is a sense of self worth that they can carry with them. As many other posters have said, you are awesome!

You do not need a man to be happy - it is as simple as that. You are only 27 and there is plenty of time for you to pick up your education when the children are a bit older.

Concentrate on what you DO have - a home and lovely and loved children. Honestly many people would give their right arm for that.

You have been down the route of men - and sadly you did not meet the right ones. I think you should stop looking. Your friends say you are attractive and I am sure they are right; but this does not mean you should be hunting for a man.

Write down your ambitions in life and take small steps to achieve these.

Well done for coping as a single mum.

Op this is probably going to sound patronising but it's honestly not meant to be... you say you don't have qualifications and are living on benefits but seriously your post is written really well! Tbh you write far better than most of us- and I do have a degree- but going to uni at 18 is dependent on being supported by your family. It sounds like you didn't have that, but it's likely when you do start studying again you will find your motivation and interest in learning will be better than most
You will have no problems getting the qualifications you need, just work out where you want to go and work out how to get there, and you will

And- definitely patronising now!- 27 is young, don't get together with someone just to be with someone, look for a man who will bring positive things to you and your childrens' lives.Your children are lucky to have you btw, you sound like an amazing mum

Bloody hell I think I've morphed into my old mum

You have a 2 year plan.

I would add to that plan that in the next 2 years you will learn to drive, get qualified or be in the process of getting qualifications that will lead to a better job.

Whilst the children are this age you can be really frugal and get your debts paid off earlier.

I wouldn’t bother with a man for the next few years.

Once you are on your feet and doing well and confident in your abilities then if you decide that you want to have someone else in your life then someone will come into your life that you deserve.

Concentrate on yourself and your little ones and after you have paid off your debts make another plan and then another to achieve everything you want.
.

From reading your post OP, I can clearly see that not only are you not inferior, you’re an outstanding mother. More of us can learn from someone like you 💐

Op, I dont have anything particularly new to say but your post really touched me.
Are you getting all that's owed to you from their Dads?
Secondly, I run a business and I always recruit attitude and experience over qualifications.
So just try and get some work (online could you freelance, maybe blogging for someone?). And demonstrating that skill set is worth more than an English degree for e.g. So many business owners I know feel the same!

It sounds like you were dealt a tough hand, which wouldn't be easy for anyone so cut yourself some slack (a lot of it!)

You're pursuing your ambitions which is amazing and many people wouldn't bother. In fact - a lot of people don't even when they're born with every advantage!

Don't underestimate the power in forging your own path in your life, it makes you formidable. Its too true that nothing worth doing is easy, but you will do it. Have faith in yourself - you've already achieved so much in setting out to do what you are and in coming up with a plan to improve your family's finances. Your children are enormously lucky to have you, you are setting them a tremendous example.

Contrary to what people like to believe, superiority and inferiority isn't determined by where you live or how much money you have, or whether you're married to your childhood sweetheart with 2.4 children. Nothing about you is inferior.

To learn, we need to be inspired. It seems your inspiration has come a few years later but in the form of your children - I can't think of anything greater. Everyone finds their way in their own time, and its hardest to see what we're aiming for when we've started down the path, just keep going, you'll get there and it'll be amazing :)

If you'd like any help with any studies then I'm happy to lend a hand where I can.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely, we're all rooting for you

You’re mum to two children and you’re doing it on your own. That makes you brave and brilliant in my book.

I also want more for myself but deep down feel that I don't deserve it. My friends tell me I'm attractive but I have no self confidence, I don't see why any man would want to be with me.

What has a man got to do with wanting more for yourself?

Forget men for the time being. Concentrate on friendships with other mothers.

Well done for trying to pay off your debt. Try to find an OU course you could start on. Build on it.

You are already on the mend, because you have identified what you want to do: college (and the better job that comes with it), better house, driving.
Actually in these times it may be easier to enroll in college for you, if you can do the subject you want online, so it may be easier for you with the children?
Do not be ashamed of the past. It makes you who you are today. No reason to be ashamed at all.
Go for it! One step at a time!
You will be the best example of Mum your children can have. And we can tell you love them to bits.
Men... one will come along when you learn to proper love yourself and on that you do need to do some work. You are very negative about yourself. The first step in your journey needs to be to love yourself. What would you say to You if you were your own daughter? "You are worthless", surely no. You would praise her virtues. So speak to yourself the same way that you would speak to your daughter. That will take some time..

Firstly- don’t feel bad, you obviously love your children and want more for them- that puts you in great stead for the future!

My sister is a single Mum and went to uni in her 20s to do nursing - it can be done, and gets easier when your children go to school.

Model the behaviour you want your children to see- join a local library (free) and get your kids reading, talk to them about school and get the excited about it; get library books out about different jobs and places in the world and show them the world in the 21st century is full of opportunities.

You don’t have to be defined by your past. Lots of colleges offer access courses and have places for people with no qualifications.

It’s great you’ve had kids young- means your young and fit, able to keep up, and once they’re in school you can crack on with training and a job for yourself.

Don’t just focus on getting a new relationship - you have more worth and value than just that which a man gives you. Lead your own life, on your terms.

I'm puzzled by the fact that you have two children but have never had a serious relationship? Good thing if you can get your act together and build a new, strong future for you and them.

Bloody hell OP you sound amazing. At your age I was still a kid myself and didn't have my kids until approx a decade later. I'm now retraining in my 40s.
Honestly, you've got your whole life ahead of you.
This year is a shit show, just something to get through. Have a good think about what you want to do and go for it.
Completely agree with a PP that a guy is not the answer.
Please don't feel inferior, you sound strong and ambitious to me.

Some else put it succinctly, your children are loved, fed, warm and safe. You have a plan, you’re clearing your debts. You’re already smashing it. Can you really not see that? Would also be worth having a chat to your gp about how you feel, having kids is so hard and doing it on your own, well I am full of admiration for you.