Is it ok to still speak to ex work colleagues of the opposite sex? Where is the line?

[unsuremumof2]

Would be interested to know everyone's thoughts on staying in touch with ex work colleagues of the opposite sex. Is it reasonable?

For example if your partner left a job but was still talking to female colleagues he no longer works with and insists it's just a friendship (eg added them to their work teams even though they work at different companies now). Is this crossing a line or perfectly acceptable? I found out by chance and wasn't told about it either.. but is it innocent? I don't think there is talk beyond there but it's hard to tell.. I know they haven't met up as he's hardly left the house without me or people I trust he was actually with since lockdown.

When I left my full time job after having dd i still met up with a male colleague and went drinking with him to watch the football. I'm glad I did as he died in 2018 and I would have been raging at dh if he said I had to stop spending time with him

@unsuremumof2

Not sure anyone has read my follow up message here...

Why didn’t you include the massive drip feed in the OP? Why did you ask a simple question and when people gave a simple answer respond by making the simple question complicated? Threads like this are ridiculous.

I read your updates - history of infidelity and this is kept hidden plus the woman here is much younger. To answer you, I have had friends of opposite sex who were colleagues who have stayed friends after moving jobs, but they were genuine friends only, things in common, nothing secret. To answer you about this one, any secrecy would be heading towards a deal breaker for me but beyond that it is impossible to say, it depends on so many things

must be 3 - Why didn’t you include the massive drip feed in the OP? Why did you ask a simple question and when people gave a simple answer respond by making the simple question complicated? op might have been a bit stressed?

My DH is still friends with many people from his old place of work, including the opposite sex as am I. I think it depends on the person, if they have a tendency to speak to multiple of the opposite sex keeping secrecy. But personally I wouldn't be concerned.

I suppose it depends how open you are. My husband regularly goes out for dinner with women he used to work with, sometimes I go, sometimes I don't, I also meet up with a male ex colleague for meals now and then. It doesn't bother either of us

I would only be anxious about this if done in secret or other 'red flags'.

I've kept in touch with male ex-colleagues before and it's definitely completely platonic.

@takeoffyourboots

must be 3 - Why didn’t you include the massive drip feed in the OP? Why did you ask a simple question and when people gave a simple answer respond by making the simple question complicated? op might have been a bit stressed?

You would be better off asking

WHY DON'T PEOPLE BOTHER TO READ THE WHOLE THREAD?

Given that you can now easily see just the OP's posts it's even easier to do this, but people just can't be bothered. Lazy and really bad forum etiquette.

@unsuremumof2

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Given the context, I'd trust your instincts. But rather than 'snoop', can you have a non-confrontational conversation with him, and explain how this making you feel? His responses (and his body language) when you're talking to him will help you get a better handle on what's going on.

However, you've said a few things that are concerning - firstly:

I'm suspicious if a man and an attractive woman can ever be just friends

Why the suspicion, given that you've said you both have male and female friends? 'Attractive' is subjective after all.

Second:

I'm not a controlling partner and he is allowed female friends

The language here would suggest that you are controlling! 'Allowed' means you're giving him permission!

And third:

But does comment on her social media often (don't think he knows I can see that as I don't have an account)

Why are you watching her social media? Are you, perhaps, winding yourself up to something that doesn't exist?

I keep in touch with most of my ex-colleagues - male and female, younger and older than me. I'm in a WhatsApp group with many of them, and it wold never occur to me to tell DH either who they are or what we're talking about. Similarly on Facebook. And if I found out he was stalking either me or any of my friends I'd be hugely annoyed - that's a massive over-stepping of boundaries.

You need to talk to him rather than behave like this - it's not doing you any good festering away on it.

As with everything, it’s the nature of the conversation not the fact that it’s occurring that matters.

I have male friends from previous workplaces with whom I am still in touch (also female friends, and I’m bisexual - but threads like these never seem to consider the dilemma of how bisexual people have friendships without ruining the lives of their partners...). My husband also has female friends from previous workplaces he will catch up with. Neither of us have an issue with it because we trust one another and there’s nothing inappropriate about the relationships.

If you think your DH is behaving inappropriately with his former colleagues then YANBU, but if it’s literally just that he has kept in touch then I don’t see an issue.

Unfortunately OP, this is the life you signed yourself up for when you decided to stay with a cheat.

A relationship with no trust and a lifetime of niggling feelings and doubts.

I do. Most of my ex-colleagues are male. One or two I am very close to. But my husband knows about them. If there's secrecy, there's a problem.

@lioncitygirl

Of course it’s ok - unless there’s some backstory?

Update - he has cheated before and OP took him back

I am in touch with many ex colleagues, some as friends some because you are in the same profession and it is mutually beneficial to know people in your industry.

Your problem is you don’t trust him. It is wrong to think that being in touch with someone you have worked with isn’t normal though.

@MyEnormousTurnip

Wouldn’t bother me and I’ve done it myself.

When I was working I had closer relationships with male colleagues than female, it was to do with interests, I always used to joke that I was brought up in the garage rather than the kitchen! Don't get ratty, that was in the 50s and 60s. After I stopped working I retained contact with one or two ex-colleagues, I even went to Silverstone with them. My OH was far too mature to find it suspicious, years ago he and the female half of a couple with whom we were close friends would go to see films they liked but he OH and I didn't like.

You should have put the history in your opening post.

Given the background, I would be uncomfortable with it as well.

Cheating creates mistrust and it keeps you being hypervigilant when your partner does things others would consider acceptable, because they crossed a line and betrayed you in the past.

Relationships can recover from infidelity, but a lot of hard work has to go in.

Boundaries need to be set.

Remorse needs to be shown and consequences need to be faced.... because if you don't face any...why wouldn't you do it again.

Taking him back because you had small kids us understandable....but if nothing was done I.e. couples counselling...or long hard conversations...then it was effectively swept under the rug.

DH meets up with ex colleagues now and again. He meets the female ones for coffee and the male ones for a pint. He wouldn’t think it proper to go for evening drinks on his own with a female ex colleague though!

My partner is still friends with quite a few people from his old job, two of whom are women. He texts them occasionally, and even less occasionally they phone him for a chat. I don't see anything wrong with it - he hasn't been able to see them in person since he left due to the distance, so I think he enjoys getting caught up with the gossip as they're both still there. He is in touch with a few of the blokes as well.

I think it boils down to, do you trust him?

I would suggest red flag if he's secretive about it, or if it turns out they're on the phone for hours every day, but the occasional catch up with an old friend is perfectly fine.

Of course - as long as it is a friendship and there is no reason to suspect your partner and this ex-colleague of having or wanting to have a relationship. If you are nervous about it the best thing to do is be open with your partner - his reaction will tell you if you are being batshit crazy jealous lady with no good reason, or if he is feeling guilty.

Normally it would be fine but in this case it sounds dodgy because of the extra information. Sounds like he's just not a trust worthy guy though and it would be very hard for you to fully trust him ever, is he worth it?

When I read your first post I thought you were being unreasonable but now I see he's cheated on you and had lied to you I have changed my mind.
It's difficult as you don't actually know if it's innocent or not. However if it was innocent I don't think he'd lie to you. I'm really sorry but I think he may be more involved with this woman than he's letting on. Maybe not a full affair but an emotional one at least. I don't know what you can do. Ask him outright? His response will tell you everything you need to know.

Thanks everyone. Didn't intend to 'drip feed' and just typed as I was thinking so wasn't intentionally leaving information out.

I guess it was coming from two different places.. I know men and women can be friends, irrelevant of where they come from.. but what is it with men having these female friends who are almost young enough to be their daughters? That's where with our history I get worried.. perhaps they do have a lot in common and it is platonic but I struggle to see how it would be vs friends of a similar ages that haven't ever been made a secret.

What response am I looking for here that will tell me he is guilty?

@unsuremumof2

Thanks everyone. Didn't intend to 'drip feed' and just typed as I was thinking so wasn't intentionally leaving information out.

I guess it was coming from two different places.. I know men and women can be friends, irrelevant of where they come from.. but what is it with men having these female friends who are almost young enough to be their daughters? That's where with our history I get worried.. perhaps they do have a lot in common and it is platonic but I struggle to see how it would be vs friends of a similar ages that haven't ever been made a secret.

I'm 61. I'm regularly in (online) contact with some of the men I used to work with, who are in their 30s.

Why on earth should that be an issue? We worked together, we became friends. End of.

You can't assume that there's always something sexual/physical going on in a relationship between people of the opposite sexes!

but what is it with men having these female friends who are almost young enough to be their daughters?

I hear what you're saying. It also seems to be this category of women or women with relationship problems that some men bend over backwards to support.

I will and did read the full thread but when someone asks a simple question in the original post I’m going to answer it.
It’s lazier of the original poster not to include the relevant information in the OP.