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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ok to still speak to ex work colleagues of the opposite sex? Where is the line?

105 replies

unsuremumof2 · 02/11/2020 08:03

Would be interested to know everyone's thoughts on staying in touch with ex work colleagues of the opposite sex. Is it reasonable?

For example if your partner left a job but was still talking to female colleagues he no longer works with and insists it's just a friendship (eg added them to their work teams even though they work at different companies now). Is this crossing a line or perfectly acceptable? I found out by chance and wasn't told about it either.. but is it innocent? I don't think there is talk beyond there but it's hard to tell.. I know they haven't met up as he's hardly left the house without me or people I trust he was actually with since lockdown.

OP posts:

Original poster

unsuremumof2 · 02/11/2020 08:32

Not sure anyone has read my follow up message here...

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 02/11/2020 08:33

I'm suspicious if a man and an attractive woman can ever be just friends

Ah so if she wasn't attractive she'd be no threat, and attractive woman can't resist any man?!

sarahjessicaparka · 02/11/2020 08:33

Trust your gut on this one.

Newkitchen123 · 02/11/2020 08:35

Lying about it is an entirely different issue!
That should have been made clear on OP.
The issue isn't the friendship it's the lying. That is not OK.

sarahjessicaparka · 02/11/2020 08:35

Also sorry you're getting a hard time - if he's been unfaithful before and he's hiding this/lying then it's not just a question of a male and female being friends, it's more about what is he trying to hide here.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 02/11/2020 08:35

Lol. I worked with someone for 18 months I was 21/22. 40 years later I still see him occasionally and more often than not our partners aren’t present. It’s called being friends.

Shoxfordian · 02/11/2020 08:37

Of course you don't trust him then
What's the point in staying together?

CoalCraft · 02/11/2020 08:37

I'm suspicious if a man and an attractive woman can ever be just friends..

Guess I must not be attractive then, I have loads of male friends 🤷

OP I think you were posting here hoping to hear "he's definitely cheating on you", and hey, for all we know, he might be, especially if he's got form, byit the thing is none of us can say. You've got a feeling, okay, but there's no way we can tell you if that feeling is justified. You just asked if it's normal to remain friends with someone of the opposite sex after you move on from the job you met them in, and the answer is yes, it is normal.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/11/2020 08:37

It a really sounds a bit like you're saying attractive women can't have male friends! I must be a right monger then because I have a pretty equal split of male and female friends. Even if your partner does fancy her there's nothing to suggest she will fancy him back. Of course 'attractive' women can be friends with men!

nosswith · 02/11/2020 08:37

The context you mention makes me think you are reasonable to have suspicions. In general I think it is OK to have some contact with former work colleagues of the opposite sex, though I don't have much contact with former work colleagues at all.

Original poster

unsuremumof2 · 02/11/2020 08:38

Also unsure why I am getting so much hate. There was a concern with her in the past and he said he'd not spoken to her since.

Also implied to me that they weren't close friends but now they suddenly are.. alarm bells are ringing for me. He's done it before.

This isn't me being a psychopath who controls my partner and tells him who he can and can't see. I forgave him last time for goodness sake!

OP posts:

Requinblanc · 02/11/2020 08:39

What? don't you have male friends?

Men are simply other human beings too first and foremost, no need to think that all interaction with them might have a sexual undertone.

Seriously, I have stayed in touch with female and male colleagues who I thought were great, interesting people.

I have very close male friends. I would not dream of messing up these friendships with anything sexual...

Ohtherewearethen · 02/11/2020 08:39

*minger. Good grief, what a terrible autocorrect error. Apologies for not checking before posting

CoalCraft · 02/11/2020 08:39

I agree with a pp who asked why you stay with him if you don't trust him. Sounds like the relationship isn't a great one, regardless of whether he's having an affair at the moment or not.

Original poster

unsuremumof2 · 02/11/2020 08:40

Clearly nobody is reading anything past the first post here.

And I stayed with him because we had a very young child and a baby!

OP posts:

Trixie18 · 02/11/2020 08:41

This is a tough one. It may be innocent or it may not. The fact she's younger, she's not been mentioned and he's cheated before would have me suspicious.

Chewbecca · 02/11/2020 08:42

Can you explain more about what’s actually happened, what have they done and in what way was it hidden?

Meuniere · 02/11/2020 08:42

You have several issues there
1- you dint really believe men and women can be ‘just’ friends. And yourself you don’t have Male friends, just acquaintances. But still believe that somehow men and women could potentially be friends
2- your DP has cheated before so there is a lack of trust
3- you feel the fact they have stayed in touch despite not working together has been hidden from you.

From what I gather you actually dint know what sort of relation they have - proper friendship or acquaintances or something going towards flirting/an affair.

Personally, on paper keeping in touch with a colleague is ok.
But he has broken your trust and nit being upfront about staying in touch has raised alarms bells. This is your issue here really.

Depending in how you have both dealt with the previous affair, I would have a chat with him and tell him that you feel uncomfortable due to history. See how he reacts and what he is happy to do to reassure you.

I suspect you might have to revisit the reasons why you have decided to give it another go and whether he is living up to your expectations and has managed to regain your trust (or isn’t a least one his way to).
A relationhsip wo Trust is a sad one. You are worth more than that.

Trixie18 · 02/11/2020 08:42

Ignore the haters, I think your instincts are trying to tell you something. You know your OH.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/11/2020 08:43

Your original OP has got peoples' backs up because its a worn out q on here and many of us have very close male friends, entirely platonically. However, your drip feed update suggests that you are perhaps right to be a little cautious. Ulitmately though, if you don't trust him (forgiveness is not the same) then its unlikely you'll go the distance, especially if he is not prepared to be 100% transparent.

CoalCraft · 02/11/2020 08:43

You're staying with him for the children, so what will you do if he is cheating on you now? If you plan on staying with him anyway it's a bit moot, isn't it?

Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, really, but staying together for the kids often leads to unhappiness all round - unhappy, tense parents, and unhappy kids in a tense atmosphere.

PurpleHoodie · 02/11/2020 08:43

So. Your real question is:

"Can I trust my partner with a proven history of cheating, lies and betrayal?"

SomewhereInbetween1 · 02/11/2020 08:45

I think that context here is incredibly important and your follow up has explained a lot. If my husband cheated on me I would be suspicious because he had broken my trust once, why not again? On that basis I don't think YABU to be a little more concerned than a couple where either party hasn't cheated.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/11/2020 08:45

I think the confusion may come from your OP which was a bit vague and I think may have asked the wrong question. It sounds as though it's not just the friendship he has with a female ex colleague that is the issue but that there are many other red flags surrounding this relationship. If you have a bad feeling about it, he has lied to you and you believe there is something going on you need to speak to him about how you feel and why. His reaction should tell you if you believe and trust him.
It must be very hard not to think back to his previous infidelity but if you've agreed to stay together you have to try to put it behind you, although that just be incredibly difficult I know. I wish there was an easy, definitive answer here but I don't think there is.

Original poster

unsuremumof2 · 02/11/2020 08:46

@Trixie18

This is a tough one. It may be innocent or it may not. The fact she's younger, she's not been mentioned and he's cheated before would have me suspicious.

Thank you so much... this is exactly how I feel right now. I don't want to snoop and be controlling by trying to read the conversations, but my gut is telling me something is wrong here.

And to the posters that asked if I control who he goes out with and if he's free to do what he wants, of course he is.. but I just meant he hasn't done anything out of character physically that I can note. But does comment on her social media often (don't think he knows I can see that as I don't have an account)

OP posts:

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