Is it ok to still speak to ex work colleagues of the opposite sex? Where is the line?

[unsuremumof2]

Would be interested to know everyone's thoughts on staying in touch with ex work colleagues of the opposite sex. Is it reasonable?

For example if your partner left a job but was still talking to female colleagues he no longer works with and insists it's just a friendship (eg added them to their work teams even though they work at different companies now). Is this crossing a line or perfectly acceptable? I found out by chance and wasn't told about it either.. but is it innocent? I don't think there is talk beyond there but it's hard to tell.. I know they haven't met up as he's hardly left the house without me or people I trust he was actually with since lockdown.

OP, if he wants to shag her then adding her to a work group is not the way to go. There are many ways to get in touch which are way more private. It is also absolutely fine he hasn't informed you as it is work. Also fine her being young and attractive. I think you (quite understandably) have trust issues.

Well your problem aren't inter sex friendships.

Your problem is taking back a cheat🤷🏻

@unsuremumof2, I can see why you are getting annoyed at the answers.

As I said before, I truly think you have an issue NOT with friendship of the opposite sex. But with the fact that you haven’t fully processed the first affair.
I gather he hasn’t really changed his ways, hasn’t done much to build your trust again. So you see red flags all over because that’s how things started the first time.
And Tbf you Igot we’ll be right.

But the issue do you isnt another potential affair. The issue is why you decided to forgive him, whether you actually did. And whether you are happy to live a life where you are always in the edge wondering if your partner is cheating because somehow he never regained your trust again.

I also get why have two young children is a big stop to leaving a relationship. On the other side, your dcs will be happier if you are happy rather than always in edge and wondering what he is getting up to.

Also I do have Male friends, many, and he has female ones too. None of this is a problem.

I meant ex work colleagues, I don't have that many males I have stayed close to. I do think that they can just be friends but I'm starting to wonder if he, specifically, can be..

OPs DP HAS A HISTORY OF INFIDELITY AND HAS HIDDEN THIS RELATIONSHIP FROM HER

OP you might be better off starting a new thread with all of the relevant info in the OP. Many posters aren't reading your updates. FEIW. Yes you are unreasonable to suggest that attractive women can't have male friends
No you are not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable that your partner with a history of cheating is having a secret online communication with a younger, attractive woman.

Your oartener has cheated before, there were no consequences. He's now deceiving you again. His behaviour pattern will continue because you're enabling it. You need to decide whether or not this behaviour is acceptable to you. At a minimum I'd expect total transparency on any non-work related communications, access to phone passwords etc. Though tbh I'd actually probably just leave

I think you rather led people down a particular path as it sounded like a general philosophical question. Once a thread goes a certain way it's like turning round a juggernaut. But anyway I just knew you were going to say she was a younger woman.

I'm afraid it doesn't look great if he's already been unfaithful to you. At the very least you'd think he'd try and avoid friendships with young women and being secretive about it in order to go the extra mile to make you feel secure. I think he does owe you that. My experience of older men at work who tried to befriend me. It was either an ego boost or they fancied me. Sorry.

Of course men and women can be friends. I have some great male friends and there’s nothing more to it than that.

Nothing wrong with having a good friend of the opposite sex. Tbh I think it can be healthy. If they are say, messaging multiple times a day, every day, and meeting in secret etc I can understand your concern, and I’d trust my gut on that.

But I missed the history of him cheating on you. Then no, I wouldn’t trust him. If he’s being secretive trust your gut.

Might have been worth putting all that super relevent info in your OP.

First question: is it OK for men and women to be friends?

Second question: is it OK for a proven cheat to have a secret friendship with a woman he's behaved inappropriately with in the past.

To the first: yes
To the second: no

I'll hold off on giving my final answer unless there are any more drip feeds coming.

Agree with pp about starting a new thread. I thought you were controlling until I saw you update about his previous affair, which changes things completely.

Why don't you have a look around for a second phone in his car or somewhere he might hide it, have a further snoop.
I will get flamed for advising snooping but 90% of times MNers have come on here and found total 100% disloyalty by reading the messages on his phone. If not it's by intagram or on another phone altogether that sort of thing.
In your shoes I would keep digging until I found out the truth one way or another. I never ignore my spidery sense and you shouldn't either.

Why was 'my husband cheated in the past' (unless I have read a post thinking it is the op and it wasnt) not the first thing you mentioned if it is relevant to your post, this is not the first time an important thing is omitted in the op, not sure why?

Op you will never trust him so not sure why you willing put up with it, my husband is friends with females, I have no problems with this, if he was going to cheat me being jealous would not stop him.

If he cheated he would not get a second chance with me

Of course it’s ok - unless there’s some backstory?

@unsuremumof2

Yes, do start a new thread, and I think you'd be much better off putting it in Relationships rather than AIBU.

Probably wouldn't trust him, he has done it before.

You have had suspicions about their relationship before.

I would snoop

Jesus what a drip feed. If he has form for cheating then maybe you have cause for concern. You don’t trust him.

I second re-posting in Relationships.

Also, if it is relevant to your situation,add context. State - honestly - whether your relationship started as an affair etc

@thecognoscenti

My view is, no one gets to decide who I am friends with except me. The same goes for DP; it's up to him and not for me to dictate, even if I wanted to, which I don't.

This for us as well.

I don't think your controlling. I think you have every reason to feel something isn't right, he has form after all for being unfaithful and now he's keeping this woman (friend) a secret from you. He's either doing it to not upset you or because something is going on.

I am still really good friends with an ex of mine, partner has no problem with it.

If I had cheated with ex on partner like your drip feed suggests then yes he would have a massive problem with it

I'm suspicious if a man and an attractive woman can ever be just friends..

so your DH has 2 choices: never being in contact with females ever - or at least none you'd deem attractive

or keeping quiet about it to avoid drama.

It's not healthy. Reverse the roles: if you were not allowed any friendship or relation with another male (so a friend, a casual acquaintance you might meet for coffee, a PT even), I am sure anyone would call the man controlling and borderline abusive.

Ignore the woman, you need to decide if you trust him or not. If someone want to cheat, they will. Obsessing about an ex-work colleague is just weird, he hasn't done anything wrong!

Yanbu OP, given the history and your gut instinct, I think it’s fair to be suspicious.

There’s no way any of us on here can know. I hope your fears are unfounded.

Nor RTFT, only OP's posts.

@unsuremumof2, you are not comfortable with it, and that is your gut feeling telling you it is not right.

Men and women can be friends, but there needn't be any secrecy if there is nothing suspicious going on.

Yes, definitely acceptable. No different to having friends of the opposite sex.

It’s completely fine and anyone that says it’s not is a control freak with jealousy issues.