To be pissed off when people ask when I’m going back to work.

[Mombear1]

Am a SAHM to a 6 and 3 year old. I had my children slightly older in life because I was very career oriented.

I work in a sector where it took me 10 years to get qualified but once I was, I set up my own business and after a couple of years was earning good money.

When I had my first child I sold the business because I wanted to be a SAHM and I knew I would not be able to give the business the time that it needed. I made enough money to pay off my mortgage and have a substantial amount of savings.

I love being a SAHM and I want to make the most of this time when they are young because I will never get this time back.

However throughout the last six years, I have had incessant questions from family/friends asking when I plan to go back to work especially now my youngest will go to school next year. I’ve had comments such as that I’m financially reliant on my DH and that my children will have no respect for me when they are older.

AIBU to be annoyed every time I’m questioned. I am most definitely not financially reliant on DH, I worked for 20 years before giving up which most of those years I earned the higher wage, most of our savings are what I contributed and I paid the majority of our mortgage.

Why are people so fixated on women not being SAHM when they have the financial capacity to do so, and it’s no one else’s business what someone chooses to do with their life.

I do plan on restarting my business in a few years time but on a much much smaller scale.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a super loaded and judgemental question? You set out your answer there—plan to do it in a few years

Don't get annoyed, just shut them down with, "it's my business not yours, I'm sure you will agree" "More tea?"

Tell them to mind their own business and that you know what you’re doing!

Maybe they respected the work that you did and would like to see you return to it?

Your story isn't totally different to mine. I didn't have my own business but I always far outearned my husband and built up a really nice savings pot. I am also fairly lucky in that my career is one that you can pretty much always go back to at the level you left. So there's not really any need at all for me to rush back to work, unless I want to. We're planning on 2 more children soon, and over here the kids don't start school until 6. So I'll probably be at home for another 8 years, at least. I'm very happy and enjoying my time with my kids while they are young. I hope to be alive for at least another 50 years, maybe more. There's plenty of time for me to to back to work later.

People always assume that my husband "keeps" me. I think it's just a hangover from a time when this was usually the case. They may worry that you're making yourself vulnerable financially. It can be patronising, but it doesn't come from a bad place - this kind of thing does happen and you read about it on MN a lot.

I think also there can be a bit of resentment in there. Some people don't like to think about others not working because they have to work. They may see it as you judging them- they put their preschool kids into childcare so they could go back to work, and you choosing not to do that may feel to them like you are saying what they did is wrong, or that it makes them a bad parent. It's all about their own insecurity, and nothing to do with you.

Over the years I have learned that every family is different, and people are all just rubbing along doing the best that they can. Whatever choice that you make will be judged harshly by someone. Just ignore it and continue doing whatever works best for you and your family.

It’s an awkward question to ask (along the lines of ‘when are you two getting married?’ or ‘when are you having another baby?’) because nobody knows what’s going on in other people’s lives. It isn’t necessarily a question asked with judgement though, because so many women do return to work. You just need a stock phrase that explains confidently that when you had DC1 you were able to manage things financially so that you didn’t need to return and you actually find that being a SAHM works for you and your family and you’re perfectly happy.

If you were very career oriented then of course people are going to ask when you’ll return. It’s not a loaded question; you’re projecting your insecurities about being a SAHM onto simple chit chat.

I find the idea that children won’t respect their mother because she’s a SAHM very strange. My mother did run a business (from home) for about eight years but she kept it small scale and made some unusual decisions while running it because she had other priorities. However, without a doubt she is the reason her children have achieved quite a lot educationally. She imparted the importance of doing well at school, encouraged us, challenged us and supported us.

My dad would go down the track of, ‘Well done. I know you always try your best.’ I don’t think this was the best approach. Not every child has that inner drive and many children will waste their talents if allowed to just do their own thing. Why would I not respect my mother who had more influence on my achievements than my father who paid most of the bills? This is a societal issue. Children will only have these negative views of SAHMs if this is the view they pick up from adults and yes, it seems that’s the way people are starting to think here in the U.K.

It is well known that the educational achievement of a child is massively influenced by maternal involvement and investment. I believe this holds true even if the mother is not very educated herself (I’m not sure research backs up this last statement but it is backed up by anecdotal evidence.) Being a SAHM can be a very good investment in your children and if you have the money to be able to give them various opportunities, and you enjoy the experience, I can see few downsides.

Get used to it.
Even more frustrating when you are actually working from home and people think you are a woman of leisure.
I have had comments from neighbour about my "relaxed" life. They see me coming in and out of he house and car carrying shopping bags, wearing gym gear etc.
I have been told I am "lucky" that I don't have to work, that I have my OH to take care of me.

I work 40 hours a week from home and earn twice what my OH does.
I just smile though- I don't have a need to explain myself, and I don;t want to tell my neighbours what my work involves- I know some would disapprove!

I can’t believe people have been so rude to you with the questions they have asked. What possible business is it of theirs? I applaud you for achieving so much, working hard and having a successful business. It is credit to you that you are in such a good financial position. I think it’s great you are a SAHM out of choice and many women would choose to do the same in your situation.

I suggest when you are next asked this question you respond with something like ‘when are you going to stop asking such personal and judgemental questions which have nothing to do with you?’

It seems an odd question to ask but if people do the answer is simple ‘I’m not planning on going back for a while. I’m going to make the most of being at home with the children while they are young,’.

I gave up my career completely to be a SAHM. Financially it was hard and we went without many things. It limited my prospects when I eventually returned to the workplace when they grew up. But it was absolutely worth it. Those years at home with them were the happiest of my life and I was immensely privileged to be able to do it.
You sound as if you have the perfect situation where you can be a SAHM and then return to to your chosen career. If I were you I’d be shouting it from the rooftops, not getting snippy when people take an interest.

It really isn’t anyone else’s business. I have absolutely no idea why people think it’s ok to ask questions like this, or when are you going to have a baby/another baby/get married etc
I find the questions asked by others say more about them than the person they are asking.

You can't really win if its the other way questions can be asked too, its just the attitude people have to mothers/women in general. Im a working mum but if i was in your situation i would of done the same.

I agree- you can't win.
SAHM are judged for being spongers, anti feminist.
Working mothers are judged for institutionalising their children and being selfish.

No-one's business, but be sure no matetr what you do someone will judge you.

I work in a professional middle management role and people STILL say i am living off my husband! (Older, already retired). People will judge no matter what.

You could say to those who you think will judge you that you are acting as a freelance consultant. But only if you wish to.Or delfect and ask people 'what made you decide to go back' or whatever because most people love the chance to talk about their own lives.

Why don't you just answer honestly?
"My business was doing well - I sold it and paid the mortgage off, so I can afford not to work now and would prefer to stay at home with the children".

I would say though, that long long term, unless you really made a mint selling your business, you are going to be left a bit lacking by not working, in terms of pension etc.i completely understand it when you have a preschool age child but when they are both in school you are giving up a lot of money to sit at home for the 6 hours a between 9 & 3, especially now loads of companies are offering far more wfh.

*Why don't you just answer honestly?
"My business was doing well - I sold it and paid the mortgage off, so I can afford not to work now and would prefer to stay at home with the children".
*

I don't think the OP needs to explain herself to anyone.

I have had comments from neighbours about being a lady of leisure ( despite working full time from home)
I simply smile.

People should not be commenting on your financial circumstances, which are none of their business.

Yes annoying, but not that bad in the great scheme of things.

Personally I'd go with a smile and an enigmatic "Eventually".

@speakout

I agree- you can't win. SAHM are judged for being spongers, anti feminist. Working mothers are judged for institutionalising their children and being selfish.

In a nutshell

I think it may also be tied to modern societies fixation on money/materialism, some people place a value on a persons character by how much they earn.

Which is really sad when you think about it.

I said yabu as I think you’re reading a lot more into it than you need to. You were obviously seen as a career woman for a while and so people who know you probably don’t “get” the change and perhaps just assume you will work as most women do. Those who don’t know you are probably just making conversation as it is the norm. You can explain your plans to your family and friends. (Why wouldn’t you?) but other people it’s fine to just say “I’m happy being at home with the kids for the time being” and move on. Yabu to get annoyed. And sounds like you actually perhaps aren’t as happy with your choice as you are saying you are... fwiw I’m now in training for my career in my 40s and only ever worked very PT hours round school hours to be a SAHM for 20 years.

Maybe they respected the work that you did and would like to see you return to it?

What on earth does this even mean? Why would it be anyone else’s concern whether they respected what you did? Only a utter busybody would even think their opinion about other peoples vocation was any of their business! Crazy.

People who know you well are probably just genuinely wondering, I think I would if you were a close friend/relative. In which case just say the truth - in a few years.

If the people questioning you aren't close to you, acquaintances etc, then yes it's rude, they should mind their own business.

Just hazarding a guess.......before you had kids your career was every thing to you. So they have spent years listening to you banging on about it. Making polite chit chat about it now is hardly a cause for angst. The flip side of it is "they just see me as a wife and mother"