To be pissed off when people ask when I’m going back to work.

[Mombear1]

Am a SAHM to a 6 and 3 year old. I had my children slightly older in life because I was very career oriented.

I work in a sector where it took me 10 years to get qualified but once I was, I set up my own business and after a couple of years was earning good money.

When I had my first child I sold the business because I wanted to be a SAHM and I knew I would not be able to give the business the time that it needed. I made enough money to pay off my mortgage and have a substantial amount of savings.

I love being a SAHM and I want to make the most of this time when they are young because I will never get this time back.

However throughout the last six years, I have had incessant questions from family/friends asking when I plan to go back to work especially now my youngest will go to school next year. I’ve had comments such as that I’m financially reliant on my DH and that my children will have no respect for me when they are older.

AIBU to be annoyed every time I’m questioned. I am most definitely not financially reliant on DH, I worked for 20 years before giving up which most of those years I earned the higher wage, most of our savings are what I contributed and I paid the majority of our mortgage.

Why are people so fixated on women not being SAHM when they have the financial capacity to do so, and it’s no one else’s business what someone chooses to do with their life.

I do plan on restarting my business in a few years time but on a much much smaller scale.

If you were very career oriented then of course people are going to ask when you’ll return. It’s not a loaded question; you’re projecting your insecurities about being a SAHM onto simple chit chat

This

a person who was previously very career focused would want to get back to some semblance of it as soon as they had the opportunity tbh, because to me it would seem like one of their primary interests. Therefore it would seem polite to ask you about it in social chitchat

And this.

They are just making conversation. What else are they supposed to ask about, if they want to be polite in a light-hearted chat? Your views on Gemma Collins?

You say that you have ‘had comments’ that you are financially reliant on your husband. Be honest: were these comments from one person? I’m envisaging your MIL actually! Some other posters appear to have assumed that everyone who asks when you are going back to work accompanies the question with a statement that you are unfairly leeching off your husband or something.

I can understand why this would irritate you, it must feel like they are judging you but I’m sure most of them aren’t. What I would say is it sounds like you were previously very career focused. I have a couple of friends who were similar to you worked there way up for a long time and had children later to focus on their careers and although I never asked why they didn’t go back I probably would have assumed they would. Not because I think they should or shouldn’t, more because they always seemed to prioritise their work. Are you sure some of the questions aren’t because of that?

In any event, I do agree with you and I wouldn’t ask people as I think it’s their decision.

I am so grateful that my mother was a SAHM. The sense of absolute security that gives never goes away and my sister would agree. I know my parents found it hard going financially, especially in the years when mortgage interest rates were in the mid-teens, but our life as a family was stimulating and enriching. To have her there, when I came in from school to tell all the joys and woes, kept things in proportion. I respect your decision - you never get that time back so enjoy it.

Maybe they are asking because you was so career oriented and also done very well at it. Don’t know why you seem to be angry or annoyed at that? In your case it’s a valid question and don’t understand why you are taking it so negatively

Indeed, they are just asking. If you are so comfortable with your choice, why does it make you so annoyed.

I probably would ask someone in 6oyr position, but that's because I'd be thinking pension contribution. Anyone leaving themselves short on it is my view very foolish as I doubt they'll be much state pension available in 20/30 years time.

If the same people keep asking, then perfectly understandable why you are annoyed.

If you were always very focussed on your career, that’s why people are asking.

It’s not necessarily a judgement on your current choice.

Just say that because of your past success you are lucky to have choices and at present you choose to spend time with your family.

It’s jealousy. Ignore. Enjoy your Dc.

Could some of it be genuine concern though? If, heaven forbid, your marriage failed, assets (savings, home) would be divided. Is there a compromise to be had between the extremes of full-on work and keeping your skills/business on a slow simmer?

YANBU. I'm a stay at home mum ans I don't think anyone has ever asked me that. Like you, I had a job for a long time before having my children. Sometimes people might say are you planning to go back to work, but never when are you going back to work and certainly never in a horrible way x

@ApplePlumPie

I think it may also be tied to modern societies fixation on money/materialism, some people place a value on a persons character by how much they earn.

Which is really sad when you think about it.

This. Some people really can not get their head around the fact that work is not the be all and end all of life for everyone. As long as you are not expecting other people to pay your way through life, it is none of their business. The children are only young for a short time in the scheme of things.

“I’m lucky enough not to have to work when my kids are small”

Most SAHM are financially dependent on their partners though so that assumption would be reasonable. It also would be logical to assume that you would probably want to go back to work at some point in the future ( since you had a successful business you trained hard for). You even say you will go back at some point - so that question seems entirely reasonable. Unless these are complete random strangers then I don’t see why you can’t just say... “I don’t know yet...at some point”. Why does it have to cause so much offence?

It's small talk

There's two parts to this:

Due to your previous ambitions and success, asking you when you're going back to work is a perfectly legitimate question as people who know and love you are probably used to seeing you thrive in the work environment and know that you loved it. It's no different to someone who, say, loved diving, being asked if they plan to go back to it in due course.

Making judgements on how your children will see you because you're not working currently is not reasonable and I'd be cutting that off pretty sharpish.

@Benjispruce2

It’s jealousy. Ignore. Enjoy your Dc.

I very much doubt this. I don’t know what takes ten years to qualify. But the op was clearly very successful to have created a business ans bring it to a level that it could be sold, and give her enough money to pay off her mortgage and give her substantial savings. So folks who knew her likely saw someone very career focused with a much less financially successful husband.

Whomever said her kids won’t respect her is out of line, but other than that person it’s a reasonable question given the ops history.,

I think sometimes people just feel like they need to make conversation, anything will do, and that's an obvious one to come up with.

Just tell them "I do not need to work for a living, I am loaded!" and laugh. And see which face they put! I would love to be in your position!

It’s small talk. The sort of thing someone says when they’re not actually that interested.

I am in a similar position, and was asked similar questions and comments initially. I think for some people it's just a conversation starter, especially at first meeting.
I do have to spend some time monitoring my savings and investments about once a month, so I just started referring to that as my 'work'. Now I reply that I'm self-employed and work from home, though my hours are flexible. If anyone queries what sphere, I say 'finance' and the conversation doesn't usually progress any further than that! If it does, and I'm inclined to offer more information, I say that I manage investments.
I have found this works very well in overcoming that initial awkwardness and also stops people pigeon-holing me, whilst enabling me to give a flavour of what I do without being too specific on details. It also quietens those who are likely to throw out unkind comments due to envy.

God I always find it odd when the response on these threads is "none of their business" or "you dont need to explain yourself to anyone".

Of course she fucking doesnt but don't you chat with your friends? Why is it considered so weird to be open about anything.

I swear it's why half the people on here say they struggle to make friends. Making deeper emotional connections does require human beings to share confidences & communicate.

OP. Your situation is atypical in that the vast majority of the UK can't afford to just not work. Is it that big a deal to say to friends or family "we're ok for money so at the moment I prefer to be home with the kids". If you actually want people to stop asking, shrugging, saying "none of your business", or just saying "I dunno" wont help you. You know it wont be for a few years so just say that. People are being "nosy" they are being interested. Human beings are social!

I am in a very similar position. I had my kids very young in my early twenties and I scaled down the business so I could run it from home, which I still do. Sure it would be much more profitable if I do it seriously but I am spending majority of the time on the kids and work at night to once they are asleep.
I believe I work extremely hard yet I am called lady of leisure, stepford wife, homemaker, housewife all the time. It’s irritating when people imply that I could do so much more and I am wasting my potential and thus not deserving the respect that I would have had otherwise.
But I know I am doing the right thing. I give my children so much love and attention they would be more than ready to stand on their own feet later on in life. I believe kids needs to be loved first before they know how to give love and enjoy life.

The questions you are facing aren’t chit chat. They are loaded with deeper meanings and you know it. Whether you choose to confront them or brush them aside depends on your personality. I don’t think it’s worth my energy with some friends and family. I would say things like: oh I love being able to do nothing all day. It’s just so relaxing doing nothing at all. To my real but genuinely concerned friends I would say: I got everything under control. I have a plan and things will happen. Don’t worry.
Pick your battle.

I have the opposite from my/DH family as there was the expectation that I would just give up work and be happy to do that. I get questions like
Why are you going back?
FULL time? Why?
It would be so much better for you to be at home with your child!
They are even more confused when we mention DH and I will share the childcare for the days when DC is not at nursery. I then get
Is that wise?
Who will be making Mr Baypony’s and DC dinner!
They don’t seem to understand that I have a career, and my own pension. If I give up work we can’t afford to live a reasonable lifestyle and our retirement income will be tiny!
Wanna swap families? 🤣
Seriously though, looking at the ages of your DC’s I would have thought they’d have realised you were staying at home by now!

They’ll have no respect for you? What?

My mum was always a SAHM and I have more respect for her doing that for us. I always felt so incredibly lucky that my mum was always there to talk to, help us and generally it was like a safety blanket whilst being a child and teenager. I never went home to an empty house but to a mum cooking dinner.

I understand women sometimes have to work to afford their bills but in my opinion if you don’t have to then stay home.