To be pissed off when people ask when I’m going back to work.

[Mombear1]

Am a SAHM to a 6 and 3 year old. I had my children slightly older in life because I was very career oriented.

I work in a sector where it took me 10 years to get qualified but once I was, I set up my own business and after a couple of years was earning good money.

When I had my first child I sold the business because I wanted to be a SAHM and I knew I would not be able to give the business the time that it needed. I made enough money to pay off my mortgage and have a substantial amount of savings.

I love being a SAHM and I want to make the most of this time when they are young because I will never get this time back.

However throughout the last six years, I have had incessant questions from family/friends asking when I plan to go back to work especially now my youngest will go to school next year. I’ve had comments such as that I’m financially reliant on my DH and that my children will have no respect for me when they are older.

AIBU to be annoyed every time I’m questioned. I am most definitely not financially reliant on DH, I worked for 20 years before giving up which most of those years I earned the higher wage, most of our savings are what I contributed and I paid the majority of our mortgage.

Why are people so fixated on women not being SAHM when they have the financial capacity to do so, and it’s no one else’s business what someone chooses to do with their life.

I do plan on restarting my business in a few years time but on a much much smaller scale.

It's a loaded question if they are asking when you're going back to work.

They might just be interested or making conversation if they ask if you're going back to work.

Thanks for all your comments. I understand the chit chat comments and I have no issue with people asking the first/second/third time but I have friends where it feels like every time I see them this topic of conversation always comes up. I take issue with it not because I am insecure of my choice ( actually never been happier and less stressed) but because I feel that this implies that I’m doing absolutely nothing which is completely wrong. I work just as long hours as when I had my business and I have lots of hobbies/do some volunteering, there are plenty of things people could talk to me about that aren’t to do with what I was doing six years ago.

I don’t want to say too much about my financial situation ( especially because I know I am extremely fortunate and given current circumstances) but I don’t need to worry about putting towards my pension.

YANBU to be fed up of people questioning you, but YABU to let it bother you. It’s absolutely no one else’s business what you choose to do with your life, and I would just ignore and change the subject if they bring it up. They’ll eventually get the message.

Each to their own but I couldn't wait to get back to work. Looking after a small infant was turning my brain into toothpaste.

If you are so incredibly wealthy that you don’t even need to worry about your pension, this is just a stealth boast thread. Seriously, why are people’s comments such an irritation to you when you have the financial ability to do whatever you want and you are so happy doing what you’re doing? I’m baffled. Have a it of self-confidence and ignore them!

And I’m not speaking from a place of jealousy. I love my kids, but I have a good career, and the thought of staying home with them full time brings me out in a cold sweat. Lockdown confirmed that it was not for me! 😂😍

I take issue with it not because I am insecure of my choice ( actually never been happier and less stressed) but because I feel that this implies that I’m doing absolutely nothing which is completely wrong.

How is asking when you’ll go back to work implying that you do “absolutely nothing.”

OP I think you’re insecure about this somehow and are reading far too much into their questions.

I returned to professional life after the birth of each of my 3, much wanted, much loved, children. Family members and friends asked questions suggesting I should take longer maternity leave, or go more part-time, or take a sabbatical. When my oldest daughter got seriously, life threateningly, ill and I decided to take time out of work to care for her, one family member then queried whether I should maybe not do that. Other than this latter (which did upset me, but because it was a highly emotional time, not because I doubted my decision) I just shrugged off the other comments. I was /am confident about my choices. I’m surprised it bothers you so much.

Reading your update op it does sound like passive aggressive questioning then. I'd suggest someone who does it repeatedly isn't actually a friend, and is absolutely green with envy of your success and is desperate to find some way of sticking the boot in.

What's your relationship with the main offender like? Do you like them? Do you have to see them?

A prepared answer along the lines of this may help - 'haven't we discussed this before? Oh well! little laugh it was a deliberate decision of mine to sell my business at x in order to have y amount of time at home with dcs. It's what I/we wanted. I expect to go back perhaps in X or Y years - we'll see.'

Or just stop seeing this person. They're a dick.

Honestly, my experience is that as a mum you get judgemental comments and questions whatever you do.

I have a 15 month old and I work FT and send him to nursery FT. I get ‘Are you happy with him being in nursery 5 days? Do you think you’ll reduce your hours?’

I have been a SAHM for quite a while now.I had a fairly good job and a couple of P/T jobs as well.People were always asking when I am going back to work(given up now thankfully!)I find these sorts of questions rude and unhelpful TBH.I would never dream of questioning other peoples choices like this .Many people would leave their young children in Nursery for very long hours, which I wouldnt choose to do ,but would never question it ,as they may not have any choice !

I think it comes from jealously to be honest. I’d love to be a SAHM, sounds like you have achieved a lot so just enjoy it. You’ve worked enough to enjoy a good life with your children. I think that’s living the dream to be honest. You’re not answerable to anyone so just ignore.

I get similar OP and I'm not even a SAHM. I worked very hard as a solicitor for a number of years, so much so that I paid off my mortgage and have a flat that I rent out as a pension. I now work 0.6 time as a university lecturer. People ask me constantly "when are you going back to work?" and some of them give me that sympathetic look, as if maybe I can't hack it due to some kind of issue on my part.

It's baffling. I'm sure people who have never worked, or who have always worked part time don't get this. Men who are that mysterious creature, "businessmen" don't get it. I earn more now than when I was a solicitor working full time, and it certainly diesnt cost me as much money in commuting and business suits!

Ex PIL were particularly bad and prone to asking me if I was "unemployed now" during university holidays. Despite FIL being long term unemployed.

I'm contemplating just answering "I'm an accountant" when asked yet again when I'm going back to work, after a day at work...

I always felt so incredibly lucky that my mum was always there to talk to, help us and generally it was like a safety blanket whilst being a child and teenager. I never went home to an empty house but to a mum cooking dinner

This is why it is so difficult to make the right choice. My kids had the totally extreme experience, at nursery FT before they were 1 years old and then before and after school clubs, hissy clubs etc...

They are now adults and I've asked them if they wished I'd been a SAHM. Both of them gave me a look of horrify saying that they definitely didn't wish it, that they'd have been voted and enjoyed much more being with their friends constantly entertained and that it also helped them being more resilient to adult life working ft.

OP, it sounds like they are jealous. Gosh, I'm jealous and I don't even know you

@Notanotherwooname

If you are so incredibly wealthy that you don’t even need to worry about your pension, this is just a stealth boast thread. Seriously, why are people’s comments such an irritation to you when you have the financial ability to do whatever you want and you are so happy doing what you’re doing? I’m baffled. Have a it of self-confidence and ignore them!

And I’m not speaking from a place of jealousy. I love my kids, but I have a good career, and the thought of staying home with them full time brings me out in a cold sweat. Lockdown confirmed that it was not for me! 😂😍

Why is it? If someone has money they can't possibly have any problems or wonder about anything?

@Notanotherwooname this is not a stealth boast thread. It’s not something I want to go into but it would be difficult for me to post about this with the comments about my reliance on my husband if I don’t partially explain my financial position.

Also your comments are really what my post is about, if I have the money and I’m happy why do people feel the need to continually ask.

They’re probably just making conversation and if you’re so happy, @Mombear1 why do you care?

@Notanotherwooname because it’s the same as being happy and single and people asking when you are going to find someone, being in a relationship and people asking when are you getting married, a married couple with no children being asked when they are having children, these questions are allowed to annoy you.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Sure, I just can’t get worked up about it all I don’t think!

Well, some will judge whatever you choose, so crack on with what you want.
Ignore and you'll end up with such a thick skin.

Going forward OP, what are you going to do or say to stop these annoying questions?
My advice is to stop being so passive and come up with some quick responses to nip it in the bud. As for the same people who ask you every time they see you, be as direct as you can and tell them it annoys you.

If people ask repeatedly and in detail they are being rude.

But perhaps your friends and loved ones are concerned about your financial vulnerability.

Having savings, unless they are in the millions, is not a substitute for a pension. I assume you are in your 40s - an age when many people are putting as much as possible into their pension, while you put none.

It doesn't matter how much your contributed to the house or mortgage, you will lose much of this if you and your H divorce. No one ever thinks this will happen to them but sadly it does.

If you and your husband split up you will likely be the main carer and you will have to earn a living AND raise your kids AND pay for childcare. Yet you already told us that you sold your business because you couldn’t do that.

Are you confident that you can earn to the same level while working part time around your kids ? Because not many well paid jobs work like that .

So where does that leave you and your children?

So yes, I can see why people are concerned about you.

I think when people see others choosing a different path to the one they themselves have chosen, it can feel like a criticism. Others asking when you're going back to work can be a way to confirm to themselves (and possibly others) that they have made the "better" decision. Basically, it's more about them than you. If you're happy with your decision, and it sounds like you totally are, I'd just smile, make some non committal comments and move the conversation on. Attempts by you to explain yourself will probably be interpreted by your friends' as criticism of their choices. Which I know may seem unfair given that your friends' questions seem to imply criticism of you, but I strongly suggest that absolutely no good will come from engaging in a full-on sahm versus working mother debate. It's way too emotive.

Just say I worked my arse off to build a successful business which I sold then paid off my mortgage and now have substantial savings to allow me to be a sahm until I choose..any other questions haha.

OP doesn’t need ‘millions in savings’ as @S00LA says. If she has, maybe 300,000 in her pension and is 40 with investment growth it could be 1,000,000 by the time she’s 60 even if she never contributes another penny. Maybe she’s paid off most of her mortgage? In which case she doesn’t need to earn big bucks to live in the future. I hardly think ‘financially vulnerable’ is a fair description, financially savvy seems more like it.

@Brown76

OP doesn’t need ‘millions in savings’ as *@S00LA* says. If she has, maybe 300,000 in her pension and is 40 with investment growth it could be 1,000,000 by the time she’s 60 even if she never contributes another penny. Maybe she’s paid off most of her mortgage? In which case she doesn’t need to earn big bucks to live in the future. I hardly think ‘financially vulnerable’ is a fair description, financially savvy seems more like it.

What is she going to live on between now and being 60 ? I’m guessing she’s no older than mid 40s.

Savings / pension of £300k is great but it’s not enough to live off comfortably for 30 years. I’m not a pensions expert but the government calculator indicated that this will give her a taxable income of £9k at 60 and £11k at 67.

If you have your kids “ late in life “ then they will only be at university when you are 60. Most People want to be able to support their kids, help them onto the property ladder etc. You can’t do this on £10k a year.

“Paying off the mortgage “ is fine if you remain married. Once you divorce, you either seriously downsize ( but still have to house your kids and hopefully keep them near their school / friends ) or have a mortgage again.

So if the marriage doesn't work out ( as more that one in three don’t ) she will be back to needing to earn a good wage while caring for young children - exactly what she said she didn’t want to do.

Savings are not a substitute for income unless you have a lot of them, they are property invested and secured legally from divorce and other threats.