To be pissed off when people ask when I’m going back to work.

[Mombear1]

Am a SAHM to a 6 and 3 year old. I had my children slightly older in life because I was very career oriented.

I work in a sector where it took me 10 years to get qualified but once I was, I set up my own business and after a couple of years was earning good money.

When I had my first child I sold the business because I wanted to be a SAHM and I knew I would not be able to give the business the time that it needed. I made enough money to pay off my mortgage and have a substantial amount of savings.

I love being a SAHM and I want to make the most of this time when they are young because I will never get this time back.

However throughout the last six years, I have had incessant questions from family/friends asking when I plan to go back to work especially now my youngest will go to school next year. I’ve had comments such as that I’m financially reliant on my DH and that my children will have no respect for me when they are older.

AIBU to be annoyed every time I’m questioned. I am most definitely not financially reliant on DH, I worked for 20 years before giving up which most of those years I earned the higher wage, most of our savings are what I contributed and I paid the majority of our mortgage.

Why are people so fixated on women not being SAHM when they have the financial capacity to do so, and it’s no one else’s business what someone chooses to do with their life.

I do plan on restarting my business in a few years time but on a much much smaller scale.

I’ve been a Sahm for 6 years. When asked if I’m going back to work, I just shrug. People soon move onto a different subject.

@Beefcurtains79

Maybe they respected the work that you did and would like to see you return to it?

What on earth does this even mean? Why would it be anyone else’s concern whether they respected what you did? Only a utter busybody would even think their opinion about other peoples vocation was any of their business! Crazy.

Surely it depends what the business is. If the lady who gives me facials dropped after having kids my skin would want to know when she was coming back

I dont think its unusual or judgemental for people to assume that a non-working partner is financially reliant on the working partner. I'm presuming you didn't tell everyone the exact amount you sold your business for or how much savings you have, that would be weird.

Just say "I dont need to rush back, I made enough out of selling my business to see us through for a good few years".

I think it's good women now discuss getting back to their careers after kids, up until recently it was seen as the done thing for a woman to give up her own career indefinitely to care for her children and husband.

What did you do that took ten years to qualify?

Do you maybe feel guilty you’ve given it up which is why you’re reacting so badly when folks ask?

It took ten years to qualify, you were successful, the kids are practically both school age, so it seems reasonable to assume you’d wish to do it again, you don’t, that’s fine, but it doesn’t seem a bad question.

SpeakOut part of your motivation for “just smiling” is that you do not wish to discuss the nature of your work with others. That doesn’t apply to the OP.

I agree with the posters who say a little illumination of the real situation wouldn’t go astray. I’d say something like “oh, don’t worry, I’ve done well. Maybe I’ll consider going back in a few years” and leave it at that.

I would not be happy with people assuming that my husband was “keeping me”. It’s all very well taking the high road, but the truth is that you are an exception OP, and people WILL assume that you are being supported by your husband.

I’ve had similar, though people seldom actually say it to my face, and it is galling. If I had the opportunity to correct their assumptions, I would take it.

I think I'd assume that a person who was previously very career focused would want to get back to some semblance of it as soon as they had the opportunity tbh, because to me it would seem like one of their primary interests. Therefore it would seem polite to ask you about it in social chitchat. If you told me the kids were now your primary interest I'd accept that at face value though! My opinion on it would be another matter but I'd keep it to myself and say whatever polite society dictates

Just say that you’re happy as you are for now and enjoying your kids while they’re young. I’m part time but have had criticisms about not working full time and for not being a SAHM. You can’t win with some people so just do what makes you and your family happy. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

Ignore them.

Good luck with whatever you decide. If you like, want and can afford to be a SAHM then do it - up to you and no one else.

@speakout

Get used to it. Even more frustrating when you are actually working from home and people think you are a woman of leisure. I have had comments from neighbour about my "relaxed" life. They see me coming in and out of he house and car carrying shopping bags, wearing gym gear etc. I have been told I am "lucky" that I don't have to work, that I have my OH to take care of me.

I work 40 hours a week from home and earn twice what my OH does.
I just smile though- I don't have a need to explain myself, and I don;t want to tell my neighbours what my work involves- I know some would disapprove!

Oh god, I can so relate to this. It actually caused me to have a bit of a breakdown and end up in counselling. People often told me ‘it was alright’ for me, and referred to my ‘job’ in inverted commas. Reality was yes so lucky to be flexible, but that meant working in the evenings or during nap times to catch up!

They could just be making conversation. People talk about work a lot. It's like how people ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because they don't know how to talk about a life that doesn't involve employment. They probably found it easier to ask about your career when you had one than to ask about being SAHM. I wouldn't get pissed off. I'd just say what you've said and/or change the subject to something that interests you.

Yeah when people say "when are you going back to WORK".

I do work!

@Charleyhorses

Just hazarding a guess.......before you had kids your career was every thing to you. So they have spent years listening to you banging on about it. Making polite chit chat about it now is hardly a cause for angst. The flip side of it is "they just see me as a wife and mother"

Agree with this

They’re just making conversation 🙄

If your career was previously very important to you they’re not necessarily going to know you’ve had a change of heart.

People say stuff. Get over it

YANBU - smile sweetly and tell them your inheritance funds your lifestyle :)

I think it’s one of those questions that people absent mindedly ask to make conversation but don’t really realise or intend the offence behind it

Same as “when do you think you’ll have children?” To some people it’s a harmless bit of conversation and to others, it’s deeply probing and potentially insensitive and offensive

You also say this in your OP
“I do plan on restarting my business in a few years time but on a much much smaller scale.”

You could literally just answer with that if you wanted, instead of being mortally offended that they’ve taken an interest and made some wrong assumptions which aren’t unreasonable

People ask because it is chatty, gossipy small talk much of the time. I can't imagine they actually care about the response particularly.

I've been flamed on here before for saying this, but I was embarrassed by the fact my mum didn't work. Other mothers seemed so interesting and busy and mine just 'looked after the house'. I envied my friends whose mum's worked, my mum became a martyr.

@emilyfrost

If you were very career oriented then of course people are going to ask when you’ll return. It’s not a loaded question; you’re projecting your insecurities about being a SAHM onto simple chit chat.

This. If you weren't feeling insecure about your choices their comments wouldn't bother you.

I think it's really rude that people ask you. There is still lots of sexism about and people assume I earn more than DH as I work part time and he keeps me. I STILL earn more despite working part time.

Anyway 3 options would be

1. "Ha ha ha never! More tea" To kill the conversation
2. "I don't know. What do you think?" To find out why they are so invested?
3. "You know I sold the business -so I don't have to work"

Do these people know you sold the business.

I had it for years, I have now been a SAHM for 16 years. Even when it is clear that we don't struggle for money, I have my own car, we have nice holidays, I still get told about dinner lady jobs going in school if I am worried about childcare costs. or constantly asked if I am bored with 2 children in school. No I am not.

Also, just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't earn money. I have worked since I was 13, then worked full time since uni until Ds1, then returned to work part time, then became a SAHM.

I do have a disability which I don't shout from the rooftops, a few close friends know about it. I do volunteer (when covid isn't happening) and when I am asked what I do all day I tell them I sit on the sofa eating bon bons.

There is no perceived value to what I do but then again when I worked I wasn't saving lives, I wasn't ending world hunger. No matter what women do others will judge it as not the right thing. SAHM, part time, full time. Personal choice and we should just support each other. Maybe ask that directly, why aren't you supportive of me being a SAHM?

It's probably mostly a conversation starter because they don't know what to chat about.
But unfortunately, we are moving swiftly to a society where putting babies in nursery is the normal thing to do.
I think that's a great shame, and I know the mums in my nct circle bar 1 did it as a thing to do without consciously actually thinking about it. That's my great worry.

It's different when toddlers can verbalise and you can understand their moods more easily but I don't think the ideal place for non verbal babies is in a nursery.
Unless absolutely necessary and it's the last option.

I was a sahm for 10 years and it was gruelling! But amazing and went so quickly, I'm loving being back at work, my dc see me working, I love having my own wage again etc.
We had very little money in those 10 years and certainly no money for new kitchens or extensions. It was quite galling again with nct mums. When are you going back to work, I have to work... I have to work, I can't afford to stay at home.. When I was counting every penny to do so, no hair cuts, rarely new clothes etc when she... Was actually working to fund massive house builds and fancy hot water taps... New carpets etc...

It was very hard for me to say, we are financially sacrificing for me to stay at home and we are making do, so I can support the dc whilst young!

Anyway op I think it makes people uncomfortable with their own choices.

It seems that you are assuming those asking you are doing with an attitude of negative judgement. If that's happening so many times that you need to start a thread about it areyou thought about finding new friends?

If I were to ask someone that question it would be out of interest in their life and future plans and I would assume the same if someone asked me

Are you really happy with your choice?

Like a pp, i get a similar sneeriness even though i do work ft, just from home! Our neighbours assume I'm a sahm, have probably decided I'm a "lady who lunches" (kids are well into school age) yet I'm actually working all day and far out earn dh!

Op, this topic is one which other women just love to judge. I think we all do it to an extent if I'm honest. Ignore.

Perhaps they are just making conversation?

At the end of the day it only matters what you and your DH think.

I am a firm believer in you never get this time back so do what will make you the happiest. I’d regret working long days and missing my kids early years. There is still plenty of time to work when they are older and no longer need you as much. And by the sounds of it you are in an excellent financial position.

Just smile and nod and ask them rude invasive questions about their financial set up.

This is such a non-issue. Financially secure person fields slightly irritating relatively benign question. Let it wash over you.