HELP Can’t cope with my sons dad and the new woman he’s moved in

[chloe4612]

Apologies for long story but am in desperate need of advice. I’d always kept close friends with my ex after ending things after 7 years. I realised he was controlling with money/time/me going out etc but wanted to show my nearly 4 year old son we could stay close.
A couple of months ago my son (who can fully talk) start saying a strange word which neither me nor his dad and family could work out what he was saying. Eventually his dad admitted that this was a code word our son was using for a girl and he had moved someone he’d been talking to for 2 weeks on tinder in because she had no where to go but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think she’d be there long (this was two months down the line) And we had always had an agreement that we would let each other know if we ever planned on introducing anyone to our son.
Fast forward a couple of months and ever since this girl has been in his life we cannot seem to be civil, he has turned incredibly nasty and she is always around my son when it’s his dads time to have him (one week night and every other weekend) despite me previously saying I was uncomfortable with this as not even he knows her after this time. We now only communicate through my dad and everything is a battle, his maintenance payments are late and he is now saying he will be paying what he wants each month and it’ll be different each time.
I have absolutely no control over the situation and have been pushed to edge when my son came back calling her ‘mummy name’ which bought me to tears.
I just wanted to hear peoples opinions on this and how they’ve gone from being quite close to not being able to speak to each other over a complete stranger coming into the picture. I am struggling to cope with the thought of my son being close to this person who has completely turned our family unit upside down (and no, there isn’t any jealousy, we were still able to be a family but not be in a relationship)
Appreciate anyone reading and especially and advice, thanks x

Firstly if she's a girl you need to report him for being a paedophile. But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic. Secondly she hasn't changed him, that's all on him.

Practically maybe say to your son "I'm your mummy silly" or ignore completely as it will blow over.

What you need to do is be civil and set a good example for your son. He'll know what's what as he gets older.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Jesus Christ leave the OP alone - it’s a turn of phrase and well you know it.

I’d be upset OP. I’m not even sure what I’d do but I’d be upset

howtobe nope I don't think it's ok to infantilise women. Plus she may not be of age which needs reporting.

Correct ds every time he uses mummy name.. Ring Cms about ex.
Ignore the rest..

Oh yes do contact cms asap for maintenance it's your son's money.

Yanbu.
The mummy ... name is outrageous and I would explain to my child that she is daddy’s friend and her name is all he need call her.
Your ex should definitely never teach his son to keep secrets. He really is a pratt. I suspect the girlfriend is jealous.

On the maintenance front, assuming he is employed, get yourself in to the cms and get that formalised. That way he can't hold that over you. Is contact set in stone as that will likely be the next thing he messes with!

I've had this. My ex H and I got on fine. Spent Christmas together etc. New girlfriend came along, played nicely for a while, but has turned out to be a total horror. She leaves my kids out deliberately, and even though they (ex H and her) live together with her kids, she says that my kids are nothing to do with her and go buy them ice cream and leave my kids out.

Ex H is totally changed since he got with her. We argue at everything (apparently her kids are perfect and mine are spoilt and awful). It's been horrible. Luckily ex H isn't as bad as yours but it really upsets me that it has come to this.

I always just try to remember "nothing, no amount of money or anything, is worth your children's mental health".

It’s one of those situations where you have to detach what you feel from what action you can take.

The bottom line is that you have neither control or influence over how your ex lives his life. Agreements about how people manage new relationships and introduce them to children don’t always survive the reality when it happens. It will be a fucked up case of what the adult heart wants. Children won’t get a vote and ex’s definitely don’t.

You are wasting emotion and any capital you had with him over this. He doesn’t need or want to listen to you. You will need to find another outlet for your emotion. Sorry but that’s the only answer.

Her name is x im mummy on repeat along with you only have one mum and one dad on repeat nicely

Cmo for the two faced twat

If he tries to protest about either tell him one mum one dad he wouldn't like you introducing a partner as dad 😉 and the child maintenance is not optional

Apologies if you didn’t like me using the word ‘girl’. It’s incredibly difficult to call someone a woman when they are acting like a child who is happy to instantly play ‘mummy’ to my son when he has a mum and a dad. Yes cms seems the right way forward. I just want what is best for my son and to not have people in and out of his life and I personally haven’t introduced him to anyone and certainly haven’t moved them in without knowing them

Its a shit situation. Unfortunately you will have no control over what happens in his house. This will include what your ex is encouraging your son to call this woman.
What you can't and shouldn't do is make your son feel bad or guilty about it. This a problem between the adults.
If you had any proof your son was at risk you could curtail the overnights to a few hours but you would have to convince a family court of the issues.
Yes its hurtful, yes your ex is definitely behaving irresponsibly. But he isn't breaking any laws.
Im really not sticking up for him. My ex did something very similar.
My daughter was slightly older and very quickly saw this woman (and her father) for who and what she was.
A bampot sadly.....
As for maintenance, you have every right to apply for the correct amount. I am out of touch with the procedure now but I'm sure there's an online calculator.
Im wish you all the luck 💐💐💐

Give it a rest water. Fucking ridiculous mumsnet bourgeois bullshit at its best there.

Op I wouldnt let your child around there, simple as that.

I don't think you can do anything about your ex having this woman in his life, and DS's life by default.

I doubt you would be happy if he wanted to vet any new partner that you began a relationship with. It does sound quick and unwise, but there's nothing you can do so just need to let that go.

CM should be consistent. Is his job impacted by the pandemic? What reason does he give for late and varying payments?

And ridiculous that he wants DS to call her mummy. Correct DS and your ex every time.

Thing is, your ex is a dick and has always been a dick. You know he's a dick. Trying to remain friends with a dick is a foolish proposition.
You need to detach from him and move on emotionally. He's been a dick with this woman but you need to let that go. He can have his girlfriend around his son if he wishes - that's his right. The 'mummy name' issue is infuriating and you need to correct DS on that but otherwise stop expecting him to be decent because he's not.

Ahh yes, the snippy 1st responder they Ignore the actual post, focus on minutiae to berate op about. I see @WaterOff aDuckCrack is being a git.
It’s really a clunky form of bullying disguised as being exploratory
It’s really bad form to see an op in distress and pile in about an oblique point. I’m sure @WaterOffADucksCrack thinks she is justified and will undoubtedly dress this up as wholly necessary. Actually it’s utter BS

It’s up there with 1st responders who read a long fraught post and then say...oh paragraphs! Dreadful punctuation! I simply cannot read this

@user1471565182

Give it a rest water. Fucking ridiculous mumsnet bourgeois bullshit at its best there.

Op I wouldnt let your child around there, simple as that.

That's bad advice. Stopping contact because he has a girlfriend is a very foolish thing to do and would backfire if he goes to court.

Does he sound like hed be arsed to go to court? the fact he moved somebody in after 2 weeks on tinder would be enough to decide to protect my child.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Firstly if she's a girl you need to report him for being a paedophile. But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic. Secondly she hasn't changed him, that's all on him.

Practically maybe say to your son "I'm your mummy silly" or ignore completely as it will blow over.

What you need to do is be civil and set a good example for your son. He'll know what's what as he gets older.

and you are being a prize twat on so many levels. the op has asked for advice not a lecture from some random who is being a prize idiot. sorry op but some of us are sympathetic to your situation.

Been there and it’s shit.
Just correct DS and say you have 1 mummy and daddy but daddy does have a friend (insert name here)

Call CMS get that sorted

I know it’s hard to come to terms with (especially if things have been civil before) but you can’t control what he does on his time so if your dad isn’t in danger there is not point wasting all that emotional energy on them! Also as soon as a new partner comes on the scene they usually become complete dicks rewriting history and being horrible. You just have to emotionally detach from it

Firstly if she's a girl you need to report him for being a paedophile. But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic

Well done for railroading the OPs thread, get a grip please. This is AIBU not the feminist board 🙄

OP that sounds so hard, who is encouraging the use of mummy X? It’s totally inappropriate he shouldn’t even know she exists yet! I would maybe only allow supervised contact until you know so more about her. Imagine if it was the other way round and you’d moved a strange man in there would be absolute hell on!

Your ex is not your friend, and what you need to model to your DS is how to be civil and maybe even cordial to those you have to deal with. Not to pretend there is friendship where there is none.

Also, you do not have a family until. You have a coparenting arrangement, which has already foundered.

I agree - he is being monumentally stupid in moving someone in that precipitately. But the bottom line is that he can introduce whoever he wants during his time with his DS, and you cannot control that (just as he has no say in what you do with DS in your house in your time).

There is no suggestion that this woman (I am assuming she is not a girl) is harming your DS, you don't have a leg to stand on, and no matter how hurtful, just let it drop.

Paying CM properly and in full is however a battle that is worth winning, and I suggest you get CMS on to it asap

And agree with the suggestions above on how to get your DS to refrain from addressing anyone other than you as Mummy

Yes he’s a rubbish person but he’s not a rubbish dad and I’d never stop that contact, it is just a very hard situation to be in knowing you have zero control of your son when he’s there. I know he’d never put him in harm but we don’t know who this girl is?! As for the question about maintenance, his job isn’t affected by covid so it’s been very confusing as to why it’s all suddenly changing as nothing else in his life has changed. He got to keep our family home, has a new bmw... he earns a good amount and I ask for the bare minimum for our son. But again, it just seems to have all gone wrong since this girls come on the scene

Well done for railroading the OPs thread, get a grip please. This is AIBU not the feminist board

It's a valid point, whatever the board. As MN is often talking about children, it's helpful to use the neutral normal term for a female child when you do actually mean a child.

I imagine there's something of an age gap between your ex and new GF and as the saying goes, there is no fool like an old fool. Could it be that this GF is very naive or very clever either way her and your ex need correcting about her being called Mummy. You also need to get yours and your DHs maintenance payments sorted out legally or he will forever blackmail you over them.