HELP Can’t cope with my sons dad and the new woman he’s moved in

[chloe4612]

Apologies for long story but am in desperate need of advice. I’d always kept close friends with my ex after ending things after 7 years. I realised he was controlling with money/time/me going out etc but wanted to show my nearly 4 year old son we could stay close.
A couple of months ago my son (who can fully talk) start saying a strange word which neither me nor his dad and family could work out what he was saying. Eventually his dad admitted that this was a code word our son was using for a girl and he had moved someone he’d been talking to for 2 weeks on tinder in because she had no where to go but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think she’d be there long (this was two months down the line) And we had always had an agreement that we would let each other know if we ever planned on introducing anyone to our son.
Fast forward a couple of months and ever since this girl has been in his life we cannot seem to be civil, he has turned incredibly nasty and she is always around my son when it’s his dads time to have him (one week night and every other weekend) despite me previously saying I was uncomfortable with this as not even he knows her after this time. We now only communicate through my dad and everything is a battle, his maintenance payments are late and he is now saying he will be paying what he wants each month and it’ll be different each time.
I have absolutely no control over the situation and have been pushed to edge when my son came back calling her ‘mummy name’ which bought me to tears.
I just wanted to hear peoples opinions on this and how they’ve gone from being quite close to not being able to speak to each other over a complete stranger coming into the picture. I am struggling to cope with the thought of my son being close to this person who has completely turned our family unit upside down (and no, there isn’t any jealousy, we were still able to be a family but not be in a relationship)
Appreciate anyone reading and especially and advice, thanks x

@StoneColdBitch it's not just the name there was a code word used as well. It doesn't seem at all likely that the child came up with this by themselves.

obviously there's a difference between a relationship that's gone on for years and a homeless woman that moved in a few weeks back.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Probs best if you leave the thread, eh?

OP I hope you get it sorted

@howtobe thank you very much 💕

Again, no offence meant obviously, just a first time poster who was a bit desperate to hear other peoples stories and opinions so thank you for all those that took the time x

@chloe4612

I don’t recall calling my son silly? He’s a very intelligent little boy. Thank you for everyone’s stories and advice, I think stopping believing we can still be a unit will help tremendously and help keep these emotions I’m currently feeling at bay. As for the money side, I will definitely go down the cms route so it’s all done properly and I’m not having to chase it each month. Appreciate everyone’s responses x

It was another poster.

@Emmie12345

OP, basically he has moved on now and you haven’t

The problem is when a relationship ends but you still try to be a family - it doesn’t work when one partner meets someone .

You need to accept that old family unit has gone and establish a new co parenting relationship with your ex

It’s glaringly obvious that this is the real issue OP. I voted YABU because you sound very jealous and bitter about him having a new woman in his life.

Ok, you don’t know much about her and yes he’s moved too quickly and has been irresponsible moving her in without getting to know her properly. Your son shouldn’t be calling her “mummy” anything but he’s only little so please don’t make him feel bad for his phrasing.

But he has moved on, and I imagine it hurts. He’s not suddenly turned nasty all on his own but more likely feeding off the tension which now exists between you and it’s making you both spiteful.

Contact CM about the payments.

Your ex’s relationships aren’t really your business. You say he’s a good dad. You have to trust him to keep your son safe.

The courts wouldn’t refuse contact in this situation.

OP, sometimes life is shit, and you just have to live with it.

I had this issue with my ex too. We got on fine, he paid a reasonable amount of maintenance (not a huge amount but it seemed fair) and we generally had no issues. He then met his GF and everything changed overnight. He cut the maintenance in half, he started paying it late and making me have to ask for it and he also became very nasty. Started insulting me, insulting the clothing I chose for our DC, called me a Coke whore (the only Coke I’ve ever had is made in a factory in Wakefield...).

He’s been a twat ever since fwiw. We’re more civil now years down the line but it was never the same, we’ve never been friends by any means. His GF has treat the kids terribly over the years too so they now don’t really want to see him and I don’t blame them.

All I can advise is to contact CMS about the maintenance issue and correct your son every time he says ‘mummy x’. I had to do this with my DC when they kept calling his GF’s Mum ‘Granny’. It’s shit but hopefully his relationship fizzles out for your sake...

I don't know if he's moved on - could the 'she moved in as she's nowhere to go' be true - or just him pretending it's not his decision to foist her on DS.
If it is true that she had nowhere to go they might fall out and she move on.
His change of attitude to you seems odd, surely finding his NewP lover should make him happier.
I don't think you can stop mummynewperson name they'll do what they want - I would not let DS see that you have qualms as you want him to feel he can tell you anything that worries him, if he thinks things at daddies upsets you he might keep it to himself.
I would try your best to pretend to be pleased at him finding a new DP , how lovely, but sort your money and listen to all that DS brings back . In case further action is needed by you at some point.

He was controlling with money and now pays the bare minimum. He’s playing you.
Go to CMS and be very very civil. Nothing more.

I've known my DSD since she was 2. It was very hard as she used to call me Mummy or the mummy as I lived with her daddy and it was obvious to her therefore I was mummy. However I had to be strict and not answer her when she called me this as I knew her own mother would be heartbroken.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Firstly if she's a girl you need to report him for being a paedophile. But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic. Secondly she hasn't changed him, that's all on him.

Practically maybe say to your son "I'm your mummy silly" or ignore completely as it will blow over.

What you need to do is be civil and set a good example for your son. He'll know what's what as he gets older.

I don't think you are in a position to advise people on civility and setting good examples.

OP, does your dad get on ok with your ex? Can he or someone talk to your ex and find out what is going on? Even a 'gee I thought new relationships were supposed to make you happier, you seem completely miserable' comment to him.

As to WaterOffADucksCrack if calling an adult woman a 'girl' is wrong, maybe you should see about asking Mumsnet to ban the term GIRLFRIEND or BOYFRIEND. Clearly talking about your boyfriend/ex boyfriend etc is common on this site. Why isn't the term WomanFriend , then? Girl/Girlfriend Boy/Boyfriend are acceptable normal use terms among women.

Op sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles. Who he lives with and who he introduces you’ve no control over at all, unless that person poses a threat. Past that as an equal parent he gets to choose and doesn’t need to seek permission.

As agreed go down the cms root, stay calm and civil, don’t take any notice of the mummy thing, as hard as it is, and just try to keep your head down,

This is not a war you can ever win, so there is no point engaging.

@Osirus again as previously stated, no jealousy. He’s been with other people, as have I and we’ve always been open about it. I left the relationship and believe me, I have nothing to be jealous of because I was was the one who chose to leave and have never regretted it.
We both come from broken home and I was always raised not having random men in the house and I except the same for our son (whether that’s a man or a woman)
I’ve always said contact would remain no matter what’s (unless there was obviously some sort of danger to my son)

I agree with the other ladies on the page of controlling with money, he definitely dangles it and uses it as some sort of leverage and I am trying to emotionally untie myself from caring about how he is (anyone who’s been through the manipulative side abuse will understand)
@Noitjustwontdo thank you for your story, that’s awful to hear, but at the same time is nice I’m not alone (which is sad as no one should have to in the first place) wishing you all the best x

@Osirus again as previously stated, no jealousy. He’s been with other people, as have I and we’ve always been open about it. I left the relationship and believe me, I have nothing to be jealous of because I was was the one who chose to leave and have never regretted it.
We both come from broken home and I was always raised not having random men in the house and I except the same for our son (whether that’s a man or a woman)
I’ve always said contact would remain no matter what’s (unless there was obviously some sort of danger to my son)

I agree with the other ladies on the page of controlling with money, he definitely dangles it and uses it as some sort of leverage and I am trying to emotionally untie myself from caring about how he is (anyone who’s been through the manipulative side abuse will understand)
@Noitjustwontdo thank you for your story, that’s awful to hear, but at the same time is nice I’m not alone (which is sad as no one should have to in the first place) wishing you all the best x

I can empathise OP, I went through the same thing very recently. We'd split up years ago but got on fine, except if I met anyone, then he'd get abusive and act jealous. This would happen even if male friends were around our child. When I wanted space, that's when he abducted ds, and had a stressful court case where I was accused off all kinds! Thankfully I could prove it all was lies so screenshot everything, even old messages. He tried it again with a 2nd court case, but got nowhere.
He moved in with a village bike not my words it's what everyone calls her. Ds would always come home upset over things said about me, and how the new kids call ex "daddy", telling us he's not his father any more. Fast forward all the horrible messages, the threats, and accusations, the new partner kicked him out for abusing her child - pinching, pulling hair, screaming at. Ex has now moved 6 hours away.
The whole time, I ignored him, simply put ds first. They always ruin things for themselves anyway in the end...the more you care, the more they enjoy it. Just correct him, you're his mummy and nobody else...ex will be gone one way or another, all you have to do is move on, ignore, and be happy with ds :)