HELP Can’t cope with my sons dad and the new woman he’s moved in

[chloe4612]

Apologies for long story but am in desperate need of advice. I’d always kept close friends with my ex after ending things after 7 years. I realised he was controlling with money/time/me going out etc but wanted to show my nearly 4 year old son we could stay close.
A couple of months ago my son (who can fully talk) start saying a strange word which neither me nor his dad and family could work out what he was saying. Eventually his dad admitted that this was a code word our son was using for a girl and he had moved someone he’d been talking to for 2 weeks on tinder in because she had no where to go but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think she’d be there long (this was two months down the line) And we had always had an agreement that we would let each other know if we ever planned on introducing anyone to our son.
Fast forward a couple of months and ever since this girl has been in his life we cannot seem to be civil, he has turned incredibly nasty and she is always around my son when it’s his dads time to have him (one week night and every other weekend) despite me previously saying I was uncomfortable with this as not even he knows her after this time. We now only communicate through my dad and everything is a battle, his maintenance payments are late and he is now saying he will be paying what he wants each month and it’ll be different each time.
I have absolutely no control over the situation and have been pushed to edge when my son came back calling her ‘mummy name’ which bought me to tears.
I just wanted to hear peoples opinions on this and how they’ve gone from being quite close to not being able to speak to each other over a complete stranger coming into the picture. I am struggling to cope with the thought of my son being close to this person who has completely turned our family unit upside down (and no, there isn’t any jealousy, we were still able to be a family but not be in a relationship)
Appreciate anyone reading and especially and advice, thanks x

Sadly there’s not much you can do other than contact cm.

It’s up to him what he does with ds on the days he has them, up to him who lives in his house and around ds when he is with him.

All you can do is to correct ds and tell him to call her by her name. He knows you are his mum.

I know it feels rubbish, my ex has introduced 2 different women to my dc’s since we split but I just grit my teeth and say nothing. They have a good relationship with the gf he has at the moment and I’m not too bothered, I would rather they got on with her than didn’t.

He got to keep our family home, has a new bmw... he earns a good amount and I ask for the bare minimum for our son

Strongly suggest you steel yourself, and get a proper settlement based on his income. It is irksome that so many men seem to think that CNd assessed amount if somehow the 'true' amount, rather than being the legal minimum that should be enforced. But you should be getting at east that, paid regularly and on time.

i out it in these terms because you sound a bit passive there about the money, which is what you should be angry about. But angry about the new woman - which I was wondering if it is some sort of displaced hurt (subconscious or otherwise)

It must be really hard as everything was working out well beforehand. However, he is your ex for a reason, so it was really only a matter of time before he started letting you down again.

You can't control what he does, only your reaction to it.
(If it helps, think of how much he wants to control you, wants you to be upset by all of this. The BEST thing is to simply not let him. it will drive him crazy!)

Keep working on accepting how your situation has changed. It will take time but will get easier. Unfortunately, life isn't fair. Accepting the reality will result in you being much happier.

Calmly correct your son as others have said when he refers to her.

Contact CMS to ensure all future maintenance payments are as they should be (this is your ex controlling you again. You don't have to let him)

Be clear concise and direct in communication, via your dad. It takes 2 to argue. Don't.

Please don't call your child silly. He is doing what his dad has told him to, it isn't his fault.

Get maintenance formalised, don't tell him, and don't be so determined to be a "family" still that you take shit from him.

Tell him you recently met a new bloke and will ask your son to call him daddy if he doesnt stop her asking to be called mimmy

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Firstly if she's a girl you need to report him for being a paedophile. But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic. Secondly she hasn't changed him, that's all on him.

Practically maybe say to your son "I'm your mummy silly" or ignore completely as it will blow over.

What you need to do is be civil and set a good example for your son. He'll know what's what as he gets older.

Oh ffs!

I don’t recall calling my son silly? He’s a very intelligent little boy.
Thank you for everyone’s stories and advice, I think stopping believing we can still be a unit will help tremendously and help keep these emotions I’m currently feeling at bay. As for the money side, I will definitely go down the cms route so it’s all done properly and I’m not having to chase it each month. Appreciate everyone’s responses x

Go to CMS regarding the money, he doesn't get to mess you about like this.

As for the mummy thing that would drive mad! I would approach ex about it, ask if he is ok with your DS calling your new partner daddy (if you get one). Also gently correct DS every time he says it.

He is being a good dad but you are asking for the bare minimum and he's announced he'll pay what he likes, he's moved a homeless stranger into his house and told your son to call her mummy despite not knowing how long she'll be around or how many other 'mummys' he'll introduce in the next few years let alone a lifetime.

Where are the 'good dad' bits?

@WaterOffADucksCrack
Oh yes do contact cms asap for maintenance it's your son's money
Should I be giving my kids the share of bills and shopping money they cost me then? Bore off.

@Nomorepies I think you are the one who is confused about misogyny.

@chloe4612 it was a previous poster who used the word 'silly' as part of her suggestion on how to divert your DS from saying Mummy New-Woman, rather than just New-Woman. I think it's fine, but only if it is perfectly clear that's it's an affectionate tease about something unimportant (not a bad mind-set to foster within yourself)

That poster is however right in the bigger picture - your DS must not be left feeling bad about any of this, or that he needs to have split loyalties, or that he just thinks it's better to shut up rather than risk sticking his foot in it.

No matter how much it hurts, you need to remain as interested/uninterested as ever you were before in whatever happens at his DDad's. But of course you need to show you're not particularly interested in Daddy's new friend. The phrase 'that's nice, dear' and similar will be useful

Isn't this a public forum? Apoligies if that isn't the case but I understood it to be a public forum where one could express an opinion?

I haven't been nasty to the OP gor Christ sake and I've advised what to do also. No need to attack me for disliking adult women being referred to like children. No one does it to men after all.

@lilmishap what the fuck? That's not what I meant at all. I meant it is to provide for the child. In whichever way necessary. I'd use it for bills if my son's dad paid or they made him pay. I was saying to claim it for her son's sake.

@AuntieStella thanks for clearing that up, this is my first time posting so I’m not the best haha. Yes, I think it sadly is a grin and bare it situation and just knowing my son is safe and loved wherever he is.

@lilmishap completely understand your points, it’s very hard after years after manipulation to get out of the cycle of defending things about someone. What I more meant was that he sees his son and is good with him when he does and my son doesn’t know about anything other than what happens other than how is dad treats him, which is well. Even if he dangles maintence at me and moves a girl in. It’s a really complicated situation sadly

@Nomorepies never claimed to be clever. You need to research misogyny.

You would have read the title which includes the word Woman.
You knew what was meant and just felt like having a snark.
.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

howtobe nope I don't think it's ok to infantilise women. Plus she may not be of age which needs reporting.

It depends where you live - here in the northeast people are lads/lasses/girls at any age.

Wind your neck in!

@lilmishap and that has what to do with what you originally said? 😂

@SchadenfreudePersonified cool

Just a point, my husband x-wife had a total tantrum and stormed off as apparently her daughter called me 'mummy name', but this was nothing we had taught her to say, sometimes kids are just trying to make sense of their world, there is no need to trash you x or your kid over saying that. I completely understand why your anxious about him moving in a new girlfriend so quickly though.

@WaterOffADucksCrack
Jeez, woman, stop making this about you.
OP, I feel for you, it's hurtful. Get your business head on and deal with the money side and contact.

OP

Start calling the postman "Daddy Brian" (or whatever- make something up). See what your ex thinks of that.

(Actually - not really. It's using your child as a weapon - but I bet your ex wouldn't like it)

But I'm assuming she's a woman and you're being mysoginistic.

FFS This is nonsense. Absolute rubbish. The word loses it's meaning when used incorrectly.

@chloe4612

Apologies if you didn’t like me using the word ‘girl’. It’s incredibly difficult to call someone a woman when they are acting like a child who is happy to instantly play ‘mummy’ to my son when he has a mum and a dad. Yes cms seems the right way forward. I just want what is best for my son and to not have people in and out of his life and I personally haven’t introduced him to anyone and certainly haven’t moved them in without knowing them

You didn’t do anything wrong in calling her girl. You’ve nothing to apologise for. I don’t blame you for being so upset, especially with the mummy comment. 💐

@midnightgrace 👍🏽