HELP Can’t cope with my sons dad and the new woman he’s moved in

[chloe4612]

Apologies for long story but am in desperate need of advice. I’d always kept close friends with my ex after ending things after 7 years. I realised he was controlling with money/time/me going out etc but wanted to show my nearly 4 year old son we could stay close.
A couple of months ago my son (who can fully talk) start saying a strange word which neither me nor his dad and family could work out what he was saying. Eventually his dad admitted that this was a code word our son was using for a girl and he had moved someone he’d been talking to for 2 weeks on tinder in because she had no where to go but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think she’d be there long (this was two months down the line) And we had always had an agreement that we would let each other know if we ever planned on introducing anyone to our son.
Fast forward a couple of months and ever since this girl has been in his life we cannot seem to be civil, he has turned incredibly nasty and she is always around my son when it’s his dads time to have him (one week night and every other weekend) despite me previously saying I was uncomfortable with this as not even he knows her after this time. We now only communicate through my dad and everything is a battle, his maintenance payments are late and he is now saying he will be paying what he wants each month and it’ll be different each time.
I have absolutely no control over the situation and have been pushed to edge when my son came back calling her ‘mummy name’ which bought me to tears.
I just wanted to hear peoples opinions on this and how they’ve gone from being quite close to not being able to speak to each other over a complete stranger coming into the picture. I am struggling to cope with the thought of my son being close to this person who has completely turned our family unit upside down (and no, there isn’t any jealousy, we were still able to be a family but not be in a relationship)
Appreciate anyone reading and especially and advice, thanks x

OP, basically he has moved on now and you haven’t

The problem is when a relationship ends but you still try to be a family - it doesn’t work when one partner meets someone .

You need to accept that old family unit has gone and establish a new co parenting relationship with your ex

Jesus ignore the derailing OP.

Definitely go through CM. You tried to keep in nice - it didn’t work.

In your situation if your ds calls her mummy again I’d just keep gently reminding him that your mummy. She is just xxxx

Try not let it get to you. Keep working in your relationship with your dc

Yes you're allowed an opinion. And we're allowed to have an opinion that you're doing the 'first response sticking the boot in' thing that you would never dare saying to OP's face in real life.

@WaterOffADucksCrack - you must have lived a very sheltered life if you've never heard of men saying they are having a boys' night out or that they are going out with the lads. That is pretty common in every place around the UK that I've lived. Granted, it's not a huge number of places but enough to know it's not just used in very local contexts. I say I'm seeing the girls or going out with the girls and am in WhatsApp groups labelled as xzy girls. Your personal preference for nouns is not everybody else's responsibility to adhere to. You knew full well what the OP meant, you just couldn't wait to stick the pedantic/obtuse boot in.

OP, your ex sounds like he has lost his mind! What on earth is he thinking?! What is this new girlfriend's (sorry, womanfriend - waterofaduckscrack might call the police on anyone who uses the term boy/girlfriend for being paedophiles) motive I wonder? I think you just need to keep reminding your son that he has just one mummy and one daddy and anyone else who isn't in his family (nanny, grandad, auntie, etc) are just called their names. Even if his dad insists on it, help him understand that. It must be infuriating that your son is being exposed to what will probably end up a complete disaster but you are limited as to what you can do from your end unfortunately. I'd just work on helping your son understand what relationships are and what is going on with his dad and his new friend. And definitely get a formal arrangement for child maintenance, yes.

@WaterOffADucksCrack there is always one person being arsey and today you when that award.....slow hand clap coming your way. Isn't there a Pendants Corner somewhere?

It’s incredibly difficult to call someone a woman when they are acting like a child who is happy to instantly play ‘mummy’ to my son when he has a mum and a dad

But you need to. She is not a child, and at some point your DS is likely to have step parents.

Yes your ex has gone about this dreadfully, but you are wrong to infantilise a grown woman because you do not like the speed with which your ex has introduced her to his home life and how he supports it at least condones her way of doing things. What is happening here is far from childish, and it's not going to help you in the long run to let yourself see it that way.

It's going to get more complicated if you don't disengage completely from the memory of the family you thought you had as quickly as possible.

With him being controlling and manipulative, the mummy thing and the code word (wtf?) sounds like he's used your son as a prop in his fledgling 'relationship'.

There's a really spiteful element to the little you've written about him, He knew you'd struggle yet he's ramped up the cruelty, he didn't 'accidentally' teach your son to call her that without realising it would be hurtful to you.

In the nicest possible way you need to stiffen your jaw and prepare for it to get worse.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

howtobe nope I don't think it's ok to infantilise women. Plus she may not be of age which needs reporting.

Have a day off will you.

Sounds so tricky OP

@Emmie12345 not the case, I’ve moved on also but I manage my personal life outside of my son (despite working in the nhs and having my son full time) so it was frustrating that for 2 weekends and one weeknight he couldn’t keep his away from our son.

Thank you everyone else for your comments, I definitely needed the non sugar coated stuff! I will 100% not take the mummy stuff to heart and just realise that it’s their side pushing it and my son will always know who his mummy is. I’ll always keep as calm as possible so my son can see how to take the high road! But yes I can see overall this one is out of my hands x

He's not a great dad if he's making his child lie to his mum and keep secrets, that's fucking dangerous behaviour. Also not a good dad if he moves some random in after two weeks exposing his child to someone who could be completely unhinged for all he knows. Also not a good dad for (presumably) encouraging the use of "mummy x" to some random who could be moved out in a few weeks confusing the shit out of the poor child.

He's a dick OP I'm sorry you and your DS are being subjected to his twattery. This sort of thing is precisely why I'm dragging my heels on separating from my husband. I would be enraged in this sort of situation, can't bear the thought.

Hopefully your ex will start putting his child first and gets rid of the random soon!

I would:

1. Ask DC why he is now referring to ex's gf as Mummy name.
2. Depending on the reason why, tell him not do so and explain what he should call her (by her first name?).

Tell ex that son will not be using the word mummy when addressing her. Tell gf she is not his mum or his stepmum and to ensure she corrects sin so that he just uses her first name every time.

1. Contact CMS to sort out maintenance

payments.

1. Accept that you can't dictate who your ex introduces your son to, despite thinking you had an agreement, and ignore anything that is nitdetrimental to your DC.

@ Nomorepies pahaha

@Ohtherewearethen I don't think I've had a sheltered life. I am sensitive to certain issues due to being raped repeatedly for years since being a child if that makes you feel better.

@WaterOffADucksCrack - why the fuck would hearing about child abuse make me 'feel better'?! What an odd perspective. Most people hate it when girls are being 'adultilised'. I'm aware of the reaction you're hoping for but I cant give you that I'm afraid. I hope you're getting the help you need.

@Youandmeareluckytobeus thank you for your advice, I will definitely take those points on board and see how I get on.

As for the ‘girl’ comment, it was obvious that it was not meant in an abusive way and we are all in our mid to late 20’s. @WaterOffADucksCrack it was a silly comment when my title clearly states woman and I apolgised for the miscommunication.

In NE girls/lasses/lassies are terms to denote women of post school age
At school and younger you’re the wean or the Bairn or a wee yin

As a student I had with a consultant who’d call everyone the GirlSurname, irrespective of age. As in Go see the GirlMacKie she’ll sort you out. The GirlMacKie was in her late 50s

@WaterOffADucksCrack I find it staggering that you are so against the girl comment but actively advising OP to call a confused child 'silly'

I think you're confused about what mysognistic means. I'm sure you think you sound clever but if you don't understand what you're saying you just look stupid.

Misogyny includes belittling women. Referring to grown women as girls fits that description. Maybe you’re confused as to what it means?

Maybe it was a common turn of phrase used colloquially by OP (although the follow up comment doesn’t suggest that) Maybe it didn’t need to be raised here, maybe you are happy to be called a girl as a grown woman. None of that means it isn’t also something steeped in misogyny.

Hi all,

We're just coming on to remind you that Mumsnet is about making parents' lives easier and to ask you all to stick to giving the OP advice on the subject she is asking about.

Thank you!

Misogyny includes belittling women. Referring to grown women as girls fits that description

I've been around for several decades, I've often heard grown women referred to as girls, and grown men as boys, not once has the intention been to insult or belittle them. Quite the opposite, it's usually used to refer to people the speaker likes. I'd guess that more often than not the speaker is the same sex as the people referred to.

he’s not a rubbish dad followed by his job isn’t affected by covid so it’s been very confusing as to why it’s all suddenly changing as nothing else in his life has changed. He got to keep our family home, has a new bmw... he earns a good amount and I ask for the bare minimum for our son means he is absolutely a rubbish dad.

What if OP's child chose to call the new partner Mummy Name himself? In my experience, young children are often excited to meet a parent's new partner and sometimes Mummy/Daddy comes from them.

Those of you who object - is it because in this case the partner is very new on the scene, or would you find it inappropriate even if the new partner had been around for years and it was instigated by the child?

@WaterOffADucksCrack

howtobe nope I don't think it's ok to infantilise women. Plus she may not be of age which needs reporting.

Get a grip and some sort of compassion.

Well that escalated quickly!