AIBU for giving partner a 'bedtime'

[Braneycat]

Okay, context

My partner is not the best drunk. In the past there has been alot of trauma due to his drinking, from fights (with me and others) vile arguments, even got arrested once. He has grown out of all that but he still has a stupid habit of not knowing when the party ends, and goes too hard.

Now, on normal days this is fine. If I don't have work, I don't care what time he comes home (I mean I do, but it would be unreasonable of me to give him a time). But there have been occasions in the past where he's come home so late or so drunk I've had to call his mum early hours to pick my children up so I can go to work.

Now this is an argument that we've had for years, that he thinks it's unreasonable for me to ask him to come home at a certain time (2am). He does NOT like being told what to do. Normally he's fairly chill (like I said he has grown out of alot of his past bad behaviour) but frankly I don't trust him and the last thing I want before an NHS 12 hour Sunday shift is to be up worrying that he's going to be coming home in a fit state.

So, we compromised that he wouldn't drink much. He took a 4 pack of beers with him tonight, which won't get him tipsy. But to me it still feels dicey. He still won't commit to a certain time to be home by.

Tonight I've decided to trust him and 'let' him go. He doesn't go out drinking often anymore, even before the pandemic, and figured if we're going into another lockdown he won't know when he'll get to see his friends again (all properly done, rule of 6/outside area/social distanced btw, they're all fairly sensible. My anxiety would not let him go at all if I didn't think he was being safe) but its 1am and I can't sleep for fear he's not going to behave.

Is asking him to come home at 2am when I have work in the morning, even sober, really that unreasonable?

How could expecting him to arrange back up childcare when needed, for the days when he is in sole charge of childcare, be controlling? It's entirely his responsibility. You doing it for him would be you mothering, coddling and patronising him. You 'telling him what to do'.

You need to be able to detach far more completely and leave him to it.

How old are the DC? Are they old enough to get themselves breakfast and to use a phone? So could they have someone to call, if Daddy won't wake up?

No. - you shouldn’t have to give him a bedtime. He’s married with small children - he’s at a stage of his life when he really shouldn’t WANT to go out and get wasted till the early hours, not able to look after his children the next day! You are clearly on completely different pages where family life is concerned.

Guys you really are reading abit too much into this. ZazieRoses hit the nail on the head; its stuff that's happened in the past, that mentally I struggle to get past for him to be more casual. The 4 times he's drank he's not been wasted (apart from his birthday, and there were no childcare issues) We have a cupboard full of alcohol (vodka, whisky, rum, bacardi plus beers in the garden) that aren't touched because we don't drink at home. I still have baileys and kahlua left over from last Christmas. He is perfectly capable of not getting wasted, my anxiety stems from residual things from our early relationship up until around 4 years ago. He has not 'failed our kids' since these incidents years ago, but I still worry.

Please, read ZazieRose comment, she puts it all far more succinctly than I do.

I wouldn't give a time as I wouldn't be with him
His total disregard is awful.

Well what are you asking OP? Yes it is unreasonable to give him a time to be home by as he shouldn't need one. 2am isn't exactly early, it's not like it's 10pm, and he must know it stresses you out if he isn't home- not just because of things in the past.

No one is saying he doesn't deserve a night out.
But if I go on a night out I dont get blind drink and pitch up ag 5am, or not at all and leave my children without childcare.
It's the way he's handling the night out that's the issue with no regard for his responsibilities.
Some people have some very poor standards on here! DH is not 'controlled he does what he likes, but would always extend me the courtesy of saying when he'll be back and not abdicating on childcare.

When you have children it's not just about the 2 of you. If DH had said to me pre children I 'need' to be back by a certain time I would find it controlling (he never did), but since having children, if they are at home therefore between the 2 of us, I find it respectful to agree a time to be back- even if that changes.

I think the main issue is that he sees OP as default parent and himself as a single man.

It doesn't seem to occur to him that he needs to make plans to ensure the DC are ok on Sundays, whatever happens. He thinks - he knows - that women will always step in to sort things out.

I do agree with pp that it's much less stressful knowing you are in charge all the time, than trying to rely on someone unreliable.

@Braneycat Oh come on! You're worth more than this. Imagine the next 20, 30, 40 years with him. I'd rather be single for life than be with someone like that. If you have kids, you will be 100% looking after them yourself, and they will grow up seeing that their mother doesn't think she deserves anything better than an irresponsible drunken twit for a husband.

All of your subsequent posts are making excuses for him. You need to leave him, but you won't. And that's very sad.

How old are the DC? Are they old enough to get themselves breakfast and to use a phone? So could they have someone to call, if Daddy won't wake up?

What a horrible option for the kids. "Can you come help us, daddy won't wake up."

How old are the children? If not tiny, I would just leave him to look after them tired and hangover and I would not be staying awake until he came home.
You can't give him a curfew but what you can do is reconsider your relationship. I used to have an unreliable drinker for a husband, things were so much easier once I got rid

I don't really get what you're asking. You'll put up with anything he does anyway, just like you always have done. So no, absolutely no point setting him a curfew. If he breaks it there'll be no repercussions anyway, so what is the point.

There is a massive issue in the UK with problematic heavy drinking. Folk get hung up on is he/isn't he an alcoholic and get lost in that debate. Someone with a history of aggression related to drinking shouldn't ever get drunk (they probably shouldn't really drink alcohol at all, but people will scream at me for suggesting that, as has happened before on here).

The thing is you deserve respect. His behaviour is distressing to you. It doesn't matter if it's mainly based on historic behaviour - he should still respect your feelings and what you've been through with him. But he doesn't does he. He just wants to get pissed.

You shouldn’t be put in a situation that you have to even be asking him to do this. He should be adult enough to know what expectations are when you have DCs and childcare when a partner is working and relying on a partner to care for their DCs. He’s lucky to have someone who is so lenient and accommodating; I would have checked out a long time ago from his twattish behaviour.

What do you mean?

Well, of all the places on the internet to seek advice on this you chose the one place where there is very low tolerance for poor parenting, women taking the mental load, fathers not pulling their weight and drinking impacting children.

Neither of us are big drinkers... anymore. We don't drink at home at all. I haven't been drunk since February, my partner has gone out with his friends 4 times to get drunk since the beginning of lockdown (to give an idea of timespan). Its by no means an every weekend situation

I honestly don’t know any parents amongst my friends who set out to deliberately get drunk. Surely, that’s something you grow out of in your twenties before having children?

You seem to be excusing his behaviour but I wouldn’t want to be co-parenting with someone who normalises drinking alcohol in this way.

Seeing friends for a social drink and catch up is fine but setting out to get plastered is very worrying. I’d be out of that relationship as fast as possible.

Op. Some folks literally get hysterical on here at the thought of someone going out and getting drunk every couple of months. Are you like them. Do you wish to be? If not then disregard their responses.

He sounds like a catch...

Don't you want a better role model for your kids than this?

You really shouldn’t have asked this here. Too many posters revel in screaming LTB at the first opportunity.

Too many posters revel in screaming LTB at the first opportunity

Or have some standards?

Why keep all that booze in the house if you don't drink?

Sounds like 'denial' and 'minimising' drinking.

If he comes in so bladdered that it impacts on childcare {Hopefully he doesn't drive in this state? } Then his drinking clearly is an issue for the family.

I'm glad you haven't been drunk since February op. I'm glad your DH has only been drunk four times since February. I'm glad he hasn't been aggressively drunk for a good while. I'm glad he hasn't been arrested lately.

I'm not glad he has zero respect for the rest of someone responsible for patients, other humans, on a 12 hour shift.
I'm not glad he has come home so incapable of looking after his children you have had to call your MIL to step in before you start a 12 hour shift.
If a child came into your hospital and said daddy came in at 5am today, raging drunk, and grannie had to come and I cut my head when me and sister were fighting - what would you do.

I think you need to reflect about how you and your DH are living your lives for the sake of your children and where his conduct and your enablement of it sits vis a vis safeguarding.

DH and I like a drink btw. When we were younger DH would only go out on his own for something like a stag night or business related drinks and would be home by midnight at the latest. Drinking for the sake of drinking with the lads ended with the Junior Common Room. Because, op, he became a responsible adult with a responsible job. You say your DH does a 12 hour shift on Saturdays - please don't tell me he's a nurse as well.

@oakleaffy was. was an issue. The booze is gifts and left over Christmas/birthday drink that I don't want to chuck out, can't donate because its open and keep in case I do fancy one one day. I'm only minimising the huge assumptions made.

No one over the age of 19 drinks to get drunk unless they've got some underlying issues with alcohol or "self medicating" for some extreme emotional problems. I'd suggest he leave to sort himself out then maybe he can be a reliable partner and parent.

What was happening 4 years ago OP?

So if he doesn't arrange childcare he can't go out either? I feel like id be accused of being controlling there too.

Is he the kids dad? You said "But there have been occasions in the past where he's come home so late or so drunk I've had to call his mum early hours to pick my children up so I can go to work."

It's not controlling to expect a parent to look after his kids .