AIBU for giving partner a 'bedtime'

[Braneycat]

Okay, context

My partner is not the best drunk. In the past there has been alot of trauma due to his drinking, from fights (with me and others) vile arguments, even got arrested once. He has grown out of all that but he still has a stupid habit of not knowing when the party ends, and goes too hard.

Now, on normal days this is fine. If I don't have work, I don't care what time he comes home (I mean I do, but it would be unreasonable of me to give him a time). But there have been occasions in the past where he's come home so late or so drunk I've had to call his mum early hours to pick my children up so I can go to work.

Now this is an argument that we've had for years, that he thinks it's unreasonable for me to ask him to come home at a certain time (2am). He does NOT like being told what to do. Normally he's fairly chill (like I said he has grown out of alot of his past bad behaviour) but frankly I don't trust him and the last thing I want before an NHS 12 hour Sunday shift is to be up worrying that he's going to be coming home in a fit state.

So, we compromised that he wouldn't drink much. He took a 4 pack of beers with him tonight, which won't get him tipsy. But to me it still feels dicey. He still won't commit to a certain time to be home by.

Tonight I've decided to trust him and 'let' him go. He doesn't go out drinking often anymore, even before the pandemic, and figured if we're going into another lockdown he won't know when he'll get to see his friends again (all properly done, rule of 6/outside area/social distanced btw, they're all fairly sensible. My anxiety would not let him go at all if I didn't think he was being safe) but its 1am and I can't sleep for fear he's not going to behave.

Is asking him to come home at 2am when I have work in the morning, even sober, really that unreasonable?

You have a partner who cannot control himself after a drink - to the extent you have to make provisions to get your children to school.

Irrespective of how frequently this happens, there's a serious issue.

Just because he's had less opportunity to be a prat, doesn't mean there isn't an issue.

Agree with Bluntess, His responsibility to organise childcare if he wants to let his hair down.

So if he doesn't arrange childcare he can't go out either? I feel like id be accused of being controlling there too.

So if he doesn't arrange childcare he can't go out either? I feel like id be accused of being controlling there too.

FGS...

Just put up and shut up then, like a good wifey.

So he isn’t out getting drunk every Saturday. And he is the one who has to deal with the kids when he’s tired and/or hungover.

What age are the kids?

Having to do a 12 hour shift and hardly sleeping the night before is no joke.

You are not controlling, but he is being a very self-centred immature twat.

Drinking and lacking in reliability are one thing.

The root of the problem is that he's doing something that distresses you, and deliberately dismissing your feelings when he could help you feel better. However, by trying to push him into doing something he doesn't want to in order to save your own feelings, you are, to some degree, doing the same to him.

I'd say, primarily, where are your boundaries? Leave! If he doesn't know that being reliable for his family is a priority, he's not going to be able to offer you the settled family life you want. And you can't change him. Do you really want to be with somebody you've had to discipline into being a good partner and parent?

sigh

This x 1000

Don't give him a bedtime. Give him notice your relationship is over.

Good lord, why on earth are you with this man- baby who is apparently unable to vooe with the reality of being an adult? What a massive bloody turn off- can’t imagine anything un-sexier than a grown man behaving like a 17 year old student. Absolutely pathetic. Move on- surely you deserve way better than this bellend.....

He might not be an alcoholic but he definitely shouldn't drink.

You've written a post which we've all
been shocked at, and felt very sorry for yourself and children. You basically have another child to look after- in that he needs constant reminding to do or not do certain behaviours.
In subsequent posts you've defended his actions and said it's really not as bad as other posters have summarised.
So it's either really not that bad or you've realised how horrendous it is and you can't face the reality.
I lived with one for 5-6 years- shit faced on occasions, home late, or not atall. To sleeping in a bush, locking himself out- leaving our front door wide open all night. My safety was at risk as well as my job since I would not be able to sleep till I knew he and I were safe. That was when I was young with no kids.
Let me tell you the grass IS greener than this ridiculous situation.
Imagine being able to sleep at night!

I think there's an elephant in the room- op said it had been 4 years since he had last become aggressive when drunk.
Are you scared of him when he's drunk? Is this a reason for the reduced frequency of him going out and a factor as to why you set "rules"?
You're his wife, not his mum, so in one sense YABVU but why would you stay with a man like this?

think there's an elephant in the room- op said it had been 4 years since he had last become aggressive when drunk

Yes- the posters defending this wanker are deliberately avoiding this little nugget aren’t they? The fact he’s been drunk and aggressive towards the OP in the past is a huge red flag and it’s no wonder she’s walking on eggshells every time he goes out to get drunk if he’s been borderline abusive to her in the past. But hey- guess it’s all her fault for being “controlling” right?

🙄🙄🙄

Op read back your posts: worried, then defending him. I do sympathise with you and it’s clear you’re only trying to cope - and just want everything to be fine. Maybe you need to brainstorm your own personal boundaries (with a pen and paper). What are you willing to put up with? What needs to change? Don’t expect him to change - from your description of the relationship. But are you willing to live a life where (all/many) of the compromises are on you? Or can you talk to him again about your concerns. Or maybe you just conclude this is a non issue, which seems to be the way you’re going now. Do set high standards for yourself as a PP has said.

@Braneycat

So if he doesn't arrange childcare he can't go out either? I feel like id be accused of being controlling there too.

The fact you actually think this would make you controlling means he’s done a number on you. I’m actually thinking that his drinking habits aren’t the biggest issue here- you’ve basically been conditioned/gaslighted by him presumably, to believe that if you protest at all you’re being unreasonable and controlling.

I’m curious what his mother says about his drinking and behaviour? Not because her opinion and thoughts matters more than yours but if you’re passively accepting all this because everyone else does.

Re read what you wrote.
Is this how you want your life to be?

I think the problem is with you rather than him. You need to ask yourself why you think so little of yourself that you are putting up with him.

I think I get you, given your updates. There was a problem in the past, now largely solved, but you have residual anxiety about it. It’s almost like when a ex did something bad, and you’re worried about current partner doing it. It’s just the “ex” is your current partner’s former self, not a different/separate person. So partly this is about reassurance from him that he won’t slip into old patterns, and it’s partly about getting over the baggage. You have to make those two things meet in the middle to feel calm about things.

I have this sometimes with DH. Both with things that are to do with my past before him (absent dad, bad ex’s) and things I/he/we didn’t get right earlier in our marriage.

So when I start to feel anxiety rising in one of those areas, I tell him about it. Something like “in the past, this didn’t go well. I totally know you manage x a lot better now, but because of the past I’m still nervous. Can we have a chat about this to help me leave the anxiety behind?” Then I look for emotional reassurance by him taking my raising it well, him using kind and understanding tones during the conversation and some physical contact like a hug at both beginning and end. I also look for evidence of change by him saying he understands my concerns and that he’s sorry he caused them, plus him outlining a strategy/plan for the upcoming thing that’s causing me anxiety, a d checking that I find that strategy/plan comforting.

It’s not just one way, he does similar about things I’ve handled badly too.

In time, it does really help. Sometimes so does just sitting together closely, thinking about the thing before that didn’t go well, whilst holding hands or similar, and letting ourselves feel that anxiety and sadness and letting it rise then pass.

I've only read the OP's posts so haven't read all the others but seriously, he goes out with his friends to get drunk. Not to socialise and have a couple of pints. The point of the evening is to get drunk. Most folk grow out of that in their 20s and I'd be far from impressed if DH (or myself) had the sole goal of a night out set as getting drunk. To be arranging this whilst knowing he's supposed to be watching his children the next day instead of on a mutually agreed night when you won't be at work in the morning is just shit.

If you can't trust him to be home or in a fit state in the morning then it doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic or not, or whether it's every weekend or not. He is an unreliable partner who doesn't prioritise his kids or your welfare.

@Moonsbury, same here. I had one of these utterly selfish twats in my life for years. OP, please look at this another way-look at YOU and imagine your life without this constant exhausting shite. Imagine getting a full night’s sleep EVERY night, without that nagging pit of adrenaline in your stomach. Even if he doesn’t do it that often now, these feelings will never go away from you as you have no trust in him, understandably.

Trouble is, you’ve been dealing with this for years and you’re conditioned to walk on eggshells and play it down.

Out of the tunnel the other end is a beautiful place. It is a relaxed home with happy secure children.

Your partner is a dead loss.

Is anybody else thinking that only getting drunk 4 times since Feb is not a 'recovered alcoholic'? It sounds like a whopper excuse for him, especially if those 4 times meant failing his kids.

and if a man posted about what he allowed his wife to do he’d get his arse handed to him

Similarly I'm sure if a woman posted saying my partner has work tomorrow so I have to look after our children, I'm out getting rat arsed, he has asked reasonably if I can be back by 2am as I have form for being unreliable and he has had to call mother before to look after our children because I didn't bother going home, and I know it causes him stress, but AIBU to not bother and to be annoyed and him expected me to be back at what is still quite a late time- she would get her arse handed to her.

"Posting just to say sigh is really wanky and passive aggressive.shocking"

This

Your husband has a serious drink problem

@Eckhart

Is anybody else thinking that only getting drunk 4 times since Feb is not a 'recovered alcoholic'? It sounds like a whopper excuse for him, especially if those 4 times meant failing his kids.

Yes I agree 4 times in a pandemic is a lot more than most people. The fact that they don’t have alcohol in the house is telling too, because if he didn’t have a problem they would be able keep it in the house untouched for a while.