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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate when my friends who are in relationships say this to me

86 replies

Dalia92 · 31/10/2020 22:17

I'm 29 and single. I would like to meet someone and if I am discussing this with friends I often get the jokey, "You can borrow my boyfriend!", "You can have (insert boyfriend's name), you'll soon change your mind!" It's trivial and I know I'm being ridiculous, but I find it so dismissive and just a reminder of the annoying little habits of someone that wind you up but are part of a relationship. Sorry for the self indulgent post, but feeling lonely tonight and even worse after the lockdown announcement.

OP posts:

Nostrings457 · 31/10/2020 22:20

yes - people really 'dont think' sometimes.

A simple 'i'd rather be single than with x / your boyf.

Ps shit news all round but i get especially for singles

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 22:21

That’s such a shit thing to say. It happens on here too, often, about relationships and children. Similarly people are told that most couples are secretly miserable, no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors and nothing is al good as it seems.

They should listen and be supportive not dismissive, glib or insensitive.

WitchWife · 31/10/2020 22:27

Yes people on here often offer the miserable childless to borrow their kids. Thanks a lot.

Poptart4 · 31/10/2020 22:27

I think it's their awkward attempt at making you feel better about being single. They're trying to say being in a relationship isnt a bed of Rose's either. Both have there pros and cons to be fair.

But I totally get why you hate it because it is a little patronising even if they dont mean it to be.

Original poster

Dalia92 · 31/10/2020 22:32

Thank you all for understanding I know I'm probably being a bit daft.

OP posts:

VampireVicki · 31/10/2020 22:32

How odd. I don't think I have ever heard that said before.

Rewis · 31/10/2020 22:42

Start flirting with the friends bf and tell him that you have the friends blessing.

But seriously, friends probably mean well but that is very annoying. You can call them out on it the next time they say that. If they are good friends they will stop.

Rewis · 31/10/2020 22:43

Start flirting with the friends bf and tell him that you have the friends blessing.

But seriously, friends probably mean well but that is very annoying. You can call them out on it the next time they say that. If they are good friends they will stop.

Learningtobehappier · 31/10/2020 22:45

Just as bad as "I feel like a single mum" when they in fact have a partner/husband

ktp100 · 31/10/2020 22:51

It is dismissive and insensitive. Are they the kind of friendships where you can tell them how it makes you feel, OP?

I also hate it when single friends ask you why you're with your partner and insinuate that they would rather be single than with them, especially when based on looks - makes me want to say 'and that's why you're single, ya shallow-ass knob head!'.

I have one particular single friend who always says things like 'You used to like blokes with long hair then you shack up with a baldy!', then starts going on about her 'list' of wants in a man. Honestly, she sounds about 14 and she's in her 40's!

billy1966 · 31/10/2020 22:54

You are not daft OP.

Your feiends could be simply filling silence.

If they are good friends otherwise, move on.

Its not easy to feel a bit lonely.

The truth is you can feel lonely and dissatisfied within a relationship.

Many do.

It's ok to feel lonely.

The main thing after you feel a bit bad is to taken action if you want things to change in your life.

Things never stay the same, things move on.

Help the change.
Thsts all any of us can do.

You sound lovely.

MonClareDevole · 31/10/2020 23:01

Fucking weird thing to say. YANBU

Eckhart · 31/10/2020 23:02

It is dismissive, because it turns the conversation into a joke about them, when you were actually hoping to have a chat about what's happening for you.

Original poster

Dalia92 · 31/10/2020 23:21

Thanks all x

OP posts:

Nackajory · 31/10/2020 23:44

I also dislike 'you'll find someone when the time is right'. Really? how the fuck do you know?
To be fair one of my friends does lend me her DH to do jobs round the house

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 23:49

You’re not being daft.

People say all sorts of stupid insensitive things. They may not mean to be hurtful but a moment’s thought would stop it happening.

ViciousJackdaw · 31/10/2020 23:59

Try not to let comments like this get to you. Say you did have a DP who you loved very much - would you offer him out to your mates, even in a jokey way? You wouldn't, would you? The 'you can have mine' quips are just an indicator that things maybe aren't as rosy for your pals as they would have you believe.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/11/2020 00:04

It is a bit thoughtless and insensitive but at the heart of it they do have a point that's worthy of consideration:

Women are put under such huge societal pressure to see being in a relationship as the ultimate goal of their life that if you're not in one you tend to see it as a negative.

In fact there are many many reasons to cherish not being in a relationship. Someone else has mentioned this already but quite a lot of relationships are quite shit and not worth staying in. It may not feel like this now but you may well be happier and more sorted than some of these people.

I know that doesn't deal with the immediate feeling that your friends are not being sensitive but its worth keeping in mind. Relationships really often aren't what they're cracked up to be.

RAOK · 01/11/2020 00:07

I would tell them how you feel, otherwise they’ll keep doing it.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/11/2020 00:11

I would just look mildly confused and say "Nah , you're alright" as kindly as I could.

(you want to imply that the idea of being with their boyfriend, even on a loan basis, had just made you sick in your mouth a little bit, but you are way too polite to let them know that)

Original poster

Dalia92 · 01/11/2020 07:42

Thanks for the comments xx

OP posts:

vintageyoda · 01/11/2020 07:54

I do sympathise OP but this is one of those natural tendencies people have and it is not restricted to single people. In my own (very different) situation people say things that feel like they are minimising my challenges but I know they are just trying to say something nice.
People say the wrong thing and it can be insensitive or thoughtless but what are you going to do?
You can put people straight ( and some people will understand and try not to do it again) or you can chalk it up to a well meant intention going wrong.
Either way, stressing about it only makes you less happy.

MzHz · 01/11/2020 08:22

@Dalia92

Tbh you’re lucky! Whenever I’ve been the single one, my married friends have kinda shunned me in case the too ‘caught the single’. Or doubtless fearful of me, that single mother will steal their (really unattractive) husbands

They mean well love, your friends do love you and even if it’s odd, it shows They care :)

Original poster

Dalia92 · 01/11/2020 15:14

Thanks everyone. Feeling brighter today x

OP posts:

Baggingarea · 01/11/2020 15:50

I was single for a v long time before I met dh. I still don't understand why some coupled friends would say the things they would. I wonder if ppl who couple up young are missing a bit of a reality check. Don't get me started on couples that take up the whole of the pavement.

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