To hate when my friends who are in relationships say this to me

[Dalia92]

I'm 29 and single. I would like to meet someone and if I am discussing this with friends I often get the jokey, "You can borrow my boyfriend!", "You can have (insert boyfriend's name), you'll soon change your mind!" It's trivial and I know I'm being ridiculous, but I find it so dismissive and just a reminder of the annoying little habits of someone that wind you up but are part of a relationship. Sorry for the self indulgent post, but feeling lonely tonight and even worse after the lockdown announcement.

@Nottherealslimshady

I think it's quite an awkward thing to discuss. After "aw you'll find someone" and "get online or something" I'd have ran out of things to say. It would be my jokey way of saying "I don't really know what you want me to say pal".

I agree with you.

What do you want people to say when you're talking about how much you want a relationship to people in relationships? Genuinely asking so I know what to say from now on

I remember saying yo a friend who was complaining, that she had a really good career and had done well ..she burst out crying and said she didn't want that and would much prefer a man and a baby.

She's a year younger than me and proceeded to say look at the age of my kids and she had none.

I wasn't expecting that at all...I was just trying to make her feel better and letting her know there were other good things in her life.

I'm so happy that she now has a partner and 2 DC...except he isn't the best, but she's happy she has 2 kids out of it.

@Nottherealslimshady

Focus on their feelings, like you would in any other situation. People who approach a friend to talk about something that's bothering them usually want to open up about how they feel. This doesn't just go for this particular problem, and there's nothing particular about this problem. So 'I wish I had a partner/kids/a million quid/a really nice shed' etc can all be approached in the same way (assuming you give a shit and don't just want to say 'there there, lets talk about me, now'), which is to ask for more detail on how that feels.

It's not about you knowing what to say. It's about you knowing how to listen.

A simple 'I hear what you are saying/I understand' would do.

But how many times can you keep saying this?
It gets tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again.

After saying "Don't worry " "When the time is right" "It will happen when you least expect it"... you run out of things to say.

Even when I was single...I never said anything to friends....because...what can they do? What's the point in saying it and what response would I expect?

My Dsis has a friend like this and she eventually asked her DH if he had any single friends to set her up with...just hearing about it from Dsis is difficult...I understand her wanting a relationship....and I do feel for her...but it's awkward as a pp said.

@SandyY2K talk to the person, ask how they are feeling, maybe they just want someone to talk to- not about being single but about the things you might talk to a partner about.
Meaningless platitudes like 'when the time is right' is hollow and doesn't help. If someone is reaching out and you treat it like a bore or a burden to you it's only going to make them feel worse. It takes a lot to reach out to a friend when you are feeling so low.

When I was at my lowest with infertility I tried to talk to a friend whose idea of helping was to say 'when the time is right it will happen, you can always adopt' and it hurt so badly I never tried to reach out again and the damage it did to my MH was huge and that was with dh. Being single and dismissed like that could be catastrophic.

So what can a friend do? Listen, genuinely listen and not just wait for their turn to talk about themselves.

which is to ask for more detail on how that feels.

It's a friendship and not a counselling session. Sometimes single friends want the evening focused on their status and it really isn't enjoyable.

It's not about you knowing what to say. It's about you knowing how to listen.

Again, this is why you pay for therapy...because it's draining for someone who isn't trained to have friends doing this on a regular basis...in the end the friends will pull away....or make up stories about how awful their OH is to try and make you feel better.

From the OP....I dont get the impression the comment frim her friends was a one off....which begs the question...how often is she talking about it.

Friendship is not a case of we'll always talk about my relationship status....if you've said it once...what else can they say? Do you want them to commiserate with you? Or give you advice?

It's like any other problem really...even if you have a bad relationship and keep talking about it...the best of friends will get fed up in the end.

I think we all say tactless things sometimes. As long as it's not meant in a malicious way, we just have to accept it in the spirit it was intended. I've no doubt whatsoever that you've pissed people off unintentionally. We all do.

My particular favourite was when a friend of my dad's listed my (many, many) attributes, and then said he couldn't understand why I was still single. Obviously my over-sensitive head read that as 'there must be something hideously wrong with you deep down' but he meant it as a compliment, so I took it as one.

All your mates are doing is reminding that you that that their boyfriends piss then off sometimes, and the grass isn't always greener.

@SodaPerson

”Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.”

Ewww,seriously?
I mean if this really is your view no loss for them obviously.

@majesticallyawkward

Being single and dismissed like that could be catastrophic.

Which is why the person is better placed to speak to a counsellor.

I've been single....I know what it's like to want a relationship, but if it leaves a person catastrophic...then I'd suggest there's more going on and professional support would be better for them.

You mentioned the comment your friend made and I don't believe she intended to be dismissive as you perceived it.

Having been on the receiving end of the comments from a family member with infertility issues and pretty much been insulted by her....it's never easy to know how to react. I didn't respond to her because I was sympathetic...but her words made it sound like it was my fault she couldn't have a baby.

I've stepped back because I can't step away as she's family.

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

This is one of the meanest comments I’ve read on MN.

@SandyY2K

It's a friendship and not a counselling session. Sometimes single friends want the evening focused on their status and it really isn't enjoyable

Yes, I agree, nobody who focuses entirely on their own issues should be relying on their friends that much. I was making the assumption that OP is quite capable of talking about other things, and supports her friends when they need it. I don't see any reason to assume otherwise.

Even when I was single...I never said anything to friends....because...what can they do? What's the point in saying it and what response would I expect

Just because you don't share stuff with your friends doesn't mean that anyone who does needs a therapist. 'What can they do?' suggests that you think the only reason to tell someone about a problem you have is if they can fix it. Emotional support is an important and very valid part of any personal relationship.

@Eckhart

The thread title suggests this isn't a one off, so it has been said to a number of friends, hence the OP is getting annoyed about it.

I don't see the point in telling numerous friends about it, but perhaps it's because I tend not to pour my issues out to friends in this way, as it doesn't achieve anything.

I actually love being single but I appreciate I’m in the minority. Chin up OP xx

@Nackajory

I also dislike 'you'll find someone when the time is right'. Really? how the fuck do you know? To be fair one of my friends does lend me her DH to do jobs round the house

Wow that's amazing. A lovely friend of mine once said that her husband would help me assemble some furniture but I did it on my own in the end.

I've been single for most of my adult life except for a brief abusive relationship. I just can't do relationships. Or no, that's not right. Healthy men are repelled by my niceness and abusers love it and I can't recalibrate that in a romantic context. Past caring now though!!

Emotional support is an important and very valid part of any personal relationship

I know...but it can become draining with something like this.

I've had a few friends in this situation in the past and they try and make out that I have no problems because I'm married.

If we talk about her being unhappy because she's single...talking about it next week or next month won't change.

No individual should define their happiness on the basis of being in a relationship..... and all the single friends I've had and I've had conversations about this with friends in relationships...who say similar things about their single friends....their status dominates conversations.

The comment from your friend was awful. I get why you're so upset. If anything it that it's just so very very patronising.

People say such hurtful things. In my more charitable moments I think it's thoughtlessness, or they're fortunate to have never struggled. In my less charitable moments I view things differently.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s so bloody patronising. Some (a small number!) of the comments on here are just awful, and it never ceases to amaze me how some women seem to see being in a relationship as an opportunity to sneer at and bully other women. Vile.

You just want to be heard, and want your friend to understand your feelings. That’s it, and it’s not much to ask.

Agree it's insensitive, and a bit weird. For one thing it's pretty mean to offer to lend something that they obviously are not genuinely willing to lend!
I do think it's easier for two single people to moan together about being single, just as you wouldn't moan about your children to someone who didn't have any...just because the person who has had a similar experience will be more able to empathise. People who've met a life partner before about 23 probably have no idea how different it is to be single in your late 20s or 30s than when you are 18.

@SandyY2K

Anything can become draining. There's nothing to suggest that OP is being draining about it, even though your friends have. Do you reply to all posts with 'It can become draining if you go on and on about it'?

Just say "he wouldn't go back to you after me"
I'd say they mean well it is insensitive ATM for you. Can you say "it's not really helpful"

Do these boyfriends have single friends? You're so young enjoy the journey you'll meet him.

I use to get introduced as “my single friend”. I once went to two weddings, one I was 1 of 2 singles, me and another women, all day and night we got the o look at you 2 single ladies together, o it’s a shame there are no single men here blah blah blah and the looks. Think the dinner party scene from Bridget Jones’s Diary. Another, I was once again 1 of 2, except the other single was a man, so of course that meant we must hook up as the only 2 singles, he was absolutely not my type, he thought I was perfect because I drunk beer and had big boobs, yep the perfect guy 🤦‍♀️

Not my intention to be mean.

Just being honest, married couples with children have less in common with singletons. And after a few years, will probably lose contact.

Similiarly, some of my single friends stopped inviting me out to "go out for a drink", as they knew I had no interesting in doing that anymore and kept declining.

@ktp100

It is dismissive and insensitive. Are they the kind of friendships where you can tell them how it makes you feel, OP?

I also hate it when single friends ask you why you're with your partner and insinuate that they would rather be single than with them, especially when based on looks - makes me want to say 'and that's why you're single, ya shallow-ass knob head!'.

I have one particular single friend who always says things like 'You used to like blokes with long hair then you shack up with a baldy!', then starts going on about her 'list' of wants in a man. Honestly, she sounds about 14 and she's in her 40's!

I have a friend who married a guy from school who was one of the "fit, popular" guys when we were teens.

I'm married to a man I met later, and so is our other friend - my last friend's husband isn't what you'd call conventionally attractive, but is a good bloke. He games as a hobby.

Our single friend talks about our husbands with a continuous "ranking" placing the first one at the top, mine in the middle and the gamer at the bottom.

It's really fucking rude and weird. None of the rest of us would swap our husbands in a million years. We're each with our best friend, yet she talks about it like the first friend has done "better" than the rest of us somehow.