To hate when my friends who are in relationships say this to me

[Dalia92]

I'm 29 and single. I would like to meet someone and if I am discussing this with friends I often get the jokey, "You can borrow my boyfriend!", "You can have (insert boyfriend's name), you'll soon change your mind!" It's trivial and I know I'm being ridiculous, but I find it so dismissive and just a reminder of the annoying little habits of someone that wind you up but are part of a relationship. Sorry for the self indulgent post, but feeling lonely tonight and even worse after the lockdown announcement.

Glad to hear it @Dalia92!

You have the world ahead of you!

I think, in their own way, they are trying to make you feel better. Like the grass isn't greener

I was single for years and one of my closest pals would always ask ‘how’s your love life’....I hated it. I would never dream of asking her ‘are you sill having regular sex with your husband?’.

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

I honestly think your friends don't know what to say. And this is said as a way to, perhaps wrongly and insensitivity, lighten up the conversation with a bit of humor about how their DH can be a bit of a pain sometimes?

What could they say to make you feel better? Not sure anything would... even saying 'yes but you have, freedom, career, great friends', 'we are here for you', 'one day' all sound equally useless?

@Nackajory

I also dislike 'you'll find someone when the time is right'. Really? how the fuck do you know? To be fair one of my friends does lend me her DH to do jobs round the house

Yes, just as bad as friends tell you airily "oh it'll happen" when you are struggling to conceive or offer a cheery anecdote about their auntie Hilda who got pregnant at 48.

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

I should be glad my friends are still talking to me because I'm single? Wow. 😂

I think people are generally bad (talking U.K. here) at acknowledging unhappiness of any kind. People tend to give you a bit of a ‘chin up’ response out of awkwardness. In your position I would probably make a joke of their comment and ask them about the terms and conditions of the arrangement. They’re trying make a little joke, and sometimes if you run with that joke, it goes as far as it can, and you can’t really make it again.

It’s obviously a very difficult time to be single, and you should be able to express that in a supportive environment.

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

I don't know about your friends not being properly grown up, but you certainly sound properly smug.

(And btw, it's "as me", not "as myself".)

Just wait until they start saying 'It's all right for you, you don't have children'.

My response to that one was 'Seeing as you seem to regret having them, they can come and live with me.'

My response to the OP, would be to look them straight in the eye and say 'OK'.

“Ha, no thanks. You keep him.”

“Thanks, but no thanks, that WOULD be scraping the bottom of the barrel haha”

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

See my earlier post for an explanation.

@SodaPerson, I get what you mean. When you have children you mix in different circles and sometimes you have to let some go, not that you particularly wish to but because you just don't have the time, or because you no longer have much in common.

That’s a slightly more tactful way of saying it though, rather than implying she should be grateful her friends give her the time of day ffs!

@Dalia92 glad you’re feeling better today, nobody wants to play lockdown Top Trumps but I do think being single is especially hard atm

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

I have no polite words

@FineWordsForAPorcupine. And a little shudder too!

@SodaPerson

Tbh, I started losing contact with friends over 30 - 32 who hadn't settled down / married. I began to view them as not having the same priorities in life as myself, and/or not properly grown up.

So I'd be glad that they're still hanging out with you / talking to you, etc.

You probably did them a favour. They likely think you’re hideously dull and middle-aged, and don’t want to hear you banging on about your kids’ bath times or behavioural issues.

Just as bad as "I feel like a single mum" when they in fact have a partner/husband

Not really.

Some partners are worse than useless and you're better off being a single parent.

You only have to read some threads on here as proof.

I think it's quite an awkward thing to discuss. After "aw you'll find someone" and "get online or something" I'd have ran out of things to say. It would be my jokey way of saying "I don't really know what you want me to say pal". It is quite dismissive but I dont think it's meant to be mean. What do you want people to say when you're talking about how much you want a relationship to people in relationships? Genuinely asking so I know what to say from now on.

YANBU. Better to be single than in a bad relationship.

YANBU OP, it's tactless and dismissive. Just like the advice to get online and meet someone.

It's not helpful and genuinely hurts! A simple 'I hear what you are saying/I understand' would do.

I'm not single now, but experienced similar responses when I was struggling with infertility and wanted to scream when anyone said how lucky I was or to borrow their kids and I'd be 'glad'. Just because someone else is miserable it doesn't mean they can minimise your situation.

I can't begin to fully understand just how shit this is for you, this new lockdown announcement is a huge blow.