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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think kids shouldn’t be made to kiss goodbye to elderly relatives

95 replies

Lardlizard · 31/10/2020 10:14

I hated it as a child

OP posts:
plessuregirle · 31/10/2020 10:15

Kids shouldn't be MADE to kiss anyone. If they don't want to kiss someone that should be 100% their choice.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/10/2020 10:15

Me too. Mine don’t do it, I’d have no objections if they wanted to as it’s their choice.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 31/10/2020 10:16

This is something we took a stand on. Ds1 just waved. That is what he wanted. No pressure to kiss or cuddle anyone, no matter who they were.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 10:17

Of course YANBU. It’s impossible to teach children bodily autonomy and that only people they want to can have contact with them can, and vice versa, if you make them kiss people who you’re worried will be offended if you don’t. Their feelings aren’t less important because they’re children.

I’ve never done it and never would. My DSS was a very huggy little one but when he went off it he started high giving people which he liked and they were always fine with.

aLilNonnyMouse · 31/10/2020 10:20

Teaching bodily consent should happen from the first moment the child doesn't want to hug/kiss someone. Teach Asta to ask the child if they want a hug/kiss and respect it if they say no.

If your child feels they can be forced into contact they do not feel comfortable with they may feel unable to resist if someone tries to take advantage.

Ilovefriday · 31/10/2020 10:20

YANBU No-one should have to kiss anyone. That's an important lesson for children to learn. However I think you can also talk to your child about what that hug/ kiss might mean to Granny and explore other ways to show that such as a high five (as a PP mentioned).

EmeraldShamrock · 31/10/2020 10:23

Yanbu. I hated at as a DC going around the round every Saturday at Nans.
My DC always put their forehead down for one on the head from babies if asked for a kiss never mouth unless with parents.

NannyR · 31/10/2020 10:23

I don't have children but I hate it when nieces and nephews are made to go round and kiss goodbye to everyone when leaving a family gathering. It should be 100% their choice.
It's the same with things like hugs and tickling - I always ask first "would you like a hug?" rather than "give us a hug"

SimonJT · 31/10/2020 10:28

My son signs instead of a hug/kiss etc when he doesn’t want to hug/kiss someone.

36weekswithno2 · 31/10/2020 10:31

I don't make my 4yo kiss or cuddle anyone. MIL used to try to make him but has stopped now thankfully.
I do encourage him to say good bye or hello politely and blow a kiss or wave.
He happily blows lots of kisses to both of his grannies now.

36weekswithno2 · 31/10/2020 10:32

Really the only person he happily kisses and cuddles is me and his younger baby/toddler cousin. He says Daddy's face is too jaggy Grin

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 31/10/2020 10:33

YANBU, I hated it too and I remember feeling so completely unable to say no for fear of being told off by my mum for being "rude."

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 10:33

YANBU my 6 year old hasn't kissed anyone for about 3 years as she hates it- even us. She'll cuddle but hates kisses. In-laws still asked her for a kiss every single time. At least with Covid (with some reminding) they stay away.

RosieCrumpet · 31/10/2020 10:35

No one should be made to kiss anyone unless they want to. There is no exception to this rule (cue people trying to find an exception).

lazylump72 · 31/10/2020 10:37

You are so not being unreasonable...take the lead from the kids has always been the case here.If my dd wants a kiss or cuddle she will come and get one this is quite often with me and her dad but she doesnt kiss anyone else and I am ok with that.

DuzzyFuck · 31/10/2020 10:37

YANBU. I hated this as a kid too. Whiskery old relatives of random strangers (to me) who were friends of my parents or grandparents. Yuck.

A couple of close friends have DC and while I loved receiving their (enthusiastically offered) cuddles and kisses when they were toddlers I've always respected their choice as they've got older.

Now there's 1 of four who will still jump into my arms and smother me with kisses, the other 3 always give me a cuddle but I'm sure that'll start to die out soon as they approach their tweens.

twobrews · 31/10/2020 10:37

I don't like it at all, I fell out with family friends after the husband helped their DD hold DS3 down so she could kiss him.
I pushed them off and scooped him up saying "he doesn't want to kiss thanks"
She started crying and there was a big fuss about mean old twobrews spoiling her fun Hmm

Bearplumapple · 31/10/2020 10:39

Strongly agree. Kids shouldn't be made to hug or kiss if they don't want to. It's not impolite. They can still say hello and goodbye or wave.

Original poster
Lardlizard · 31/10/2020 10:46

When kids are told come here for a kiss goodbye but they just smile and wave and go to the car, I’m always the one that’s is given the look
👀 as if to say come on then make them.... never dh !

Then I just smile and shrug and say see you later then

Then they look v pissed off at me
Oh well, they will have to just be pissed off then

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 10:46

Even the most normal seeming relatives can be weird about it. My SM who’s a perfectly nice woman gets in a right strop of toddler DD doesn’t want a cuddle. We don’t see them that often and while DD always leaps into my mum’s arms she takes a while to warm up up to my SM who doesn’t really engage apart from wanting to hold her, while she’d rather be read to, play tea parties, run around madly. Last time SM put her arms out and DD clung to me shaking her head SM made a face at me and said “I’m really offended now, I just want cuddles” so I looked her in the eye and said “she doesn’t want to right now thanks and that’s just how it is” which did not go down well but there you go. Half an hour later DD was sitting with DH who asked SM if she’d like to join them playing with something and she crossed her arms and said “no thanks, if she doesn’t want cuddles I don’t want to play with her”. So fuck her. Either engage with my child on her level and respect her wishes or piss off. This year has been terrible for socialising babies and toddlers and trying to push what you want on small children does nothing to help bonding or relationships.

jessstan1 · 31/10/2020 10:49

Children should not to be made to kiss anybody at any time if they do not want to. However, who makes them?

Original poster
Lardlizard · 31/10/2020 10:53

I find it’s always the generation above

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardlizard · 31/10/2020 10:54

Never younger people always older

OP posts:
CoalTit · 31/10/2020 10:58

Children should not to be made to kiss anybody at any time if they do not want to. However, who makes them?
My sister in law! With her second, female child, who protested about kissing me hello and goodbye, I was so uncomfortable that I phoned her and tried to explain why I thought little girls shouldn't be made to kiss anybody they don't want to kiss. SIL was a bit huffy about it. I said I thought it was important to say hello and goodbye, but it seemed that it had to be accompanied by kissing or it didn't count.

RefreshingMrsBeetle · 31/10/2020 10:59

Could not agree more. Hated it as a child.