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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter seems to be putting us off?

113 replies

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 12:09

Hi all
I have 3 dds,2 adults who are both married&1 who's 12& obviously still at home.
My eldest DD has 2 kids of her own,a girl &boy.the girl is 21 months older than my youngest so are more like sisters.weve always done alot together &always included her in everything we do,days out,parties,sleepovers,holidays.theyve really missed the sleepovers this yr.
Anyway we always try&get together every school hol at some point.we either go out somewhere or we go to them or they come to us.
I've been trying all week to organise something&she seems to keep putting me off.we last saw them almost 3 wks ago when it was her birthday.
There's 4 of them&3 of us so my partner just drops us off as otherwise it'd be more than the allowed 6.
She's doing a Halloween party as it's my grandsons fave time of year.so she's decorating it all&they're doing the pumpkins today.shes put me off again today for this reason.so I said ok what about tomorrow? I'm having flu Jab&then we've got the party she said.
Couldn't go Mon as she was busy,Tues was their homework day which is fair enough.Wed they were busy,yest my gd was grounded for bad behaviour&today& tomorrow as I said before.
So only leaves Sun! No invite for my youngest,her little sister,to their party tomorrow.
If it was the other way around they'd have been invited without even thinking about it!
Aibu to think surely she can spare one day out the week for us? Even if it was just an invite to the party.my youngest is upset she hasn't seen them yet&doesn't know why she hasn't been invited to the party.
I understand that we are very lucky we saw them all 3 wks ago&that alot of people haven't seen their families for months which is awful but it's strange that she seems to be putting us off this time.
They only live 15 minutes away.
I could say something to her but then I don't want to start another argument&cause bad feeling.

OP posts:

user686827 · 30/10/2020 13:43

Could she be pregnant? Covid guidelines are not to see anyone if pregnant I think. Does she usually get a flu jab? I know it's offered in pregnancy.

diddl · 30/10/2020 13:43

"My middle DD is married too,with no kids yet&works full time bless her.she lives about 10mins away.we see her every couple of months or so"

Yet here you are mithering on that you saw your eldest just 3wks ago??

Flushi · 30/10/2020 13:43

It does seem like the lines are a bit blurred and you aren’t the mum/grandma and just the mum friend

diddl · 30/10/2020 13:45

@forrestgreen

How hard is it Send a text 'Hi it's feeing weird re the party. Have the girls fallen out at all or have I missed something. Can we talk to put it right please '

Done

Wtf?

Maybe it's a party just for the 4 of them?

vanillandhoney · 30/10/2020 13:48

@forrestgreen

How hard is it Send a text 'Hi it's feeing weird re the party. Have the girls fallen out at all or have I missed something. Can we talk to put it right please '

Done

Please don't do this!

She doesn't have to invite her mum and little sister if she doesn't want to.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 13:48

DD has friends apart from God&GS for goodness sake! Yes she is,in effect,an only child but I certainly don't rely on my eldest DD to babysit her etc!
We are taking one if her oldest mates swimming with us over the weekend.so she does see other friends but she's like myself,&my other DDS in that we don't have loads of friends.just 2 or 3.one of them isn't going very far due to covid.her family's keeping to themselves outside of school which is fair enough.
Just to reiterate what I've already said,they're not inviting any friends to the party it's just going to be them.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 30/10/2020 13:50

Jesus. Just let her have a party without giving her a guilt trip.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 13:51

The girls don't&never have,go to the same school.we're in completely different areas.
Like I said we have always got together at some point in the school hols.

OP posts:

ImMoana · 30/10/2020 13:52

Maybe the girls are leaving your gs out?
Maybe the gs is a pain when your DD is there and your elder DD doesn’t want to deal with it.
Does sound like she’s done a bit of a 360 on you but I’d probably blame it on the virus if your younger DD asks and just gently contact the older one once a week or so to see if she’s alright.

Dyrne · 30/10/2020 13:55

her family's keeping to themselves outside of school which is fair enough.

Interesting that you are fine for one of your DD’s friends families to do this but don’t extend the courtesy to your own daughter.

She is allowed to spend time with her nuclear family and celebrate occasions etc with just the 4 of them, rather than automatically having to extend the invite.

After your update re:sibling dynamics, maybe she’s trying to build a better sibling bond between her DD and DS; without your DD there to distract her DD?

Plus it’s only been 3 weeks, it’s not like she’s cut you out of her life forever. It does sound like she’s trying to gently set some boundaries over how often you expect to be included in her plans.

Leaannb · 30/10/2020 13:55

@babayjane67

DD has friends apart from God&GS for goodness sake! Yes she is,in effect,an only child but I certainly don't rely on my eldest DD to babysit her etc! We are taking one if her oldest mates swimming with us over the weekend.so she does see other friends but she's like myself,&my other DDS in that we don't have loads of friends.just 2 or 3.one of them isn't going very far due to covid.her family's keeping to themselves outside of school which is fair enough. Just to reiterate what I've already said,they're not inviting any friends to the party it's just going to be them.

And you have a problem with them spending time as a family together? Jesus you sound like my DIL

diddl · 30/10/2020 13:56

I think it's too much "mummy friend" & not enough GM.

Do you ever have a chance to do something just with your GC?

And if so, do you take it?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 30/10/2020 13:59

It sounds like your DD and her DH just want a quiet Halloween with their own children this year.

That's my plan for tomorrow evening too. I'm really looking forward to it being just the four of us.

You need to stop taking it personally.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 30/10/2020 14:00

How come you see your middle child so rarely (every few months or so) if she lives so close? Are there issues there that could be linked?

DrManhattan · 30/10/2020 14:04

Sounds a bit intense
Maybe she just wants to spend time with her own family

PatriciaPerch · 30/10/2020 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CovidNightmare · 30/10/2020 14:06

My ds and dniece were very close until dniece2 was born, but I could see the dynamic changing as dn2 got older, dn1 and ds would have different interests/ways of playing/things to talk about and dn2 would get upset or hurt as she felt left out.

You may find as your gs gets older she wants to do more in their own family unit as it is more inclusive for the younger child which is her priority. I would keep in touch and make offers, but not get offended if they have other plans.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 14:08

Thisismotnormal
I didn't say every few months I said every couple.
No there's no back issues she's just very busy with work&spends alot of time with her husband's family.
Thanks for all yr replies,I've messaged my eldest DD&just said ok enjoy yr party &we will hopefully catch up one weekend.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2020 14:08

Ok well you’re not getting together this time. It sounds as though they’re a bit sick of the dynamic with your youngest dd for whatever reason. I think I’d leave it a couple of weeks and suggest you would like some 121 time with your gs, maybe take him to the cinema or something. And find someone to look after your dd or your partner. It’s really time to ensure you’re a grandma to these kids.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 30/10/2020 14:12

@babayjane67

Thisismotnormal I didn't say every few months I said every couple. No there's no back issues she's just very busy with work&spends alot of time with her husband's family. Thanks for all yr replies,I've messaged my eldest DD&just said ok enjoy yr party &we will hopefully catch up one weekend.

Well to be honest I would call seeing your middle child only every two (couple) of months to be not very often as well - everyone’s busy but it’s a long time since you live so close...didn’t know if there are maybe other things going on in your family

Pukkatea · 30/10/2020 14:14

That's a good response OP. Don't take it personally - sometimes people want some time to themselves and usual patterns get broken. Just one of those things.

Wingedharpy · 30/10/2020 14:14

Maybe your Son-in-law is bending her ear about "your mother"!
She's not going to say that to you, to spare your feelings, so she's coming up with any old thing in an attempt to put you off, hoping you'll get the message.
Take the hint.
Leave her alone.
She'll be in touch when she's ready.

PatriciaPerch · 30/10/2020 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 14:19

Thanks Patricia she replied defo so all good.

OP posts:

sadie9 · 30/10/2020 14:30

It looks like you prefer girls. Might you consider that you have left the grandson out because he is a boy? And you don't really relate as well to boys as you do to girls. Because naturally you had 3 daughters so you are all about girl things.
Have you ever offered to take the little boy out on his own?
What was your relationship with your own Dad like? If it was distant or difficult, it could be that you are wary of boys.
Or indeed, if you had difficult relationship with your own brother or brothers.

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