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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter seems to be putting us off?

113 replies

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 12:09

Hi all
I have 3 dds,2 adults who are both married&1 who's 12& obviously still at home.
My eldest DD has 2 kids of her own,a girl &boy.the girl is 21 months older than my youngest so are more like sisters.weve always done alot together &always included her in everything we do,days out,parties,sleepovers,holidays.theyve really missed the sleepovers this yr.
Anyway we always try&get together every school hol at some point.we either go out somewhere or we go to them or they come to us.
I've been trying all week to organise something&she seems to keep putting me off.we last saw them almost 3 wks ago when it was her birthday.
There's 4 of them&3 of us so my partner just drops us off as otherwise it'd be more than the allowed 6.
She's doing a Halloween party as it's my grandsons fave time of year.so she's decorating it all&they're doing the pumpkins today.shes put me off again today for this reason.so I said ok what about tomorrow? I'm having flu Jab&then we've got the party she said.
Couldn't go Mon as she was busy,Tues was their homework day which is fair enough.Wed they were busy,yest my gd was grounded for bad behaviour&today& tomorrow as I said before.
So only leaves Sun! No invite for my youngest,her little sister,to their party tomorrow.
If it was the other way around they'd have been invited without even thinking about it!
Aibu to think surely she can spare one day out the week for us? Even if it was just an invite to the party.my youngest is upset she hasn't seen them yet&doesn't know why she hasn't been invited to the party.
I understand that we are very lucky we saw them all 3 wks ago&that alot of people haven't seen their families for months which is awful but it's strange that she seems to be putting us off this time.
They only live 15 minutes away.
I could say something to her but then I don't want to start another argument&cause bad feeling.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 30/10/2020 12:43

Could your "I don't want to start another arguement" have some bearing? Are you getting on, generally?

Justmuddlingalong · 30/10/2020 12:43

It all sounds a bit claustrophobic. Back off and let her come to you when she's ready.

Longwhiskers14 · 30/10/2020 12:44

@babayjane67

Yes the fuel of 6 is still in play so like I said there's 4 of them 3 of us so my partner drops DD&myself off&pks us up later. They're not inviting any friends it'll just be them,so 4. They play online games with each other sometimes. No the girls haven't fallen out far as I'm aware.dd would have told me she usually does.
Maybe lockdown has taught them that they're a really tight little unit of four and now they don't want to have to share every occasion and event with you and your DD? That it's okay to do stuff with just themselves rather than you're always being in attendance? I don't mean that harshly, OP, I'm just talking from experience. We've become really close as a family because of the circumstances and it's lovely. Maybe your DD feels the same but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying it? I'd just stop pushing and wait for her to come to you.
omega3 · 30/10/2020 12:44

Perhaps your daughrer wants her own family life without having to babysit her sister all the time, op?

Henrietty · 30/10/2020 12:45

She’s busy. They’ve obviously booked stuff in for half term and have plans. Just send her a message and ask her to call you when she’s free to meet and leave it at that. Don’t pester her, that’s very off-putting. As for the party, they want to keep it just them. Nothing wrong with that.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 30/10/2020 12:47

It sounds like she is really avoiding seeing you. Something must have caused that?

bakereld · 30/10/2020 12:47

Maybe she just wants some space from you. She could've had a crap week, or had some personal worries. You sound really demanding, but I guess that's normal for your family to see each other all the time?

She could be anxious about covid, and feel annoyed that you keep pushing to carry on as normal.

She might also just want to do things with her own family for once.

She doesn't owe you anything OP, be an adult and give her some space, she'll come to you once she's ready to see you.

Alternista · 30/10/2020 12:48

What do you mean by “ I don’t want to start another argument”?

Meowza74 · 30/10/2020 12:49

It sounds like she's just very busy!

ChristopherLillicrap · 30/10/2020 12:50

The first half-term back at school has been a stressful time for a lot of parents. You're on standby waiting for calls about bubbles closing and there's 101 new ways of doing things to get used to.

I've found that this half-term holiday I want to take time out from it all. I'm not all that bothered about meeting up with friends or family. It's about relaxing and regrouping before we all get back on that merry-go-round again on Monday.

Maybe your daughter feels the same way?

Newfornow · 30/10/2020 12:50

Maybe she finds it easier to be more selective about when she meets.
For some families and friends, covid has been liberating in terms of putting off people that they need and want space from.

HidingFromDD · 30/10/2020 12:50

I suspect each of her children have been allowed to invite one friend and she hasn’t wanted to tell you. This may also mean she doesn’t want to see you this week in case it’s mentioned. I’d probably go with something like ‘it’ll be nice for the Dcs to have a party and they could invite a school friend’ so she knows you’re ok with that. I agree that, with numbers so controlled her children probably have other friends they would like around now and she’s limiting the overall contact

grapewine · 30/10/2020 12:50

She's wanting space. That's fair enough. Leave it with her to get in touch.

Newfornow · 30/10/2020 12:52

Is your dd am organiser, maybe your gd wants to manage her own friendships.

Laiste · 30/10/2020 12:54

''I could say something to her but then I don't want to start another argument''

Your last sentence jumped out at me. ''Another'' argument? What's that about?

THisbackwithavengeance · 30/10/2020 12:54

It's your own daughter. So surely you can ring her and ask her about it?

All thr posters among here advocating leaving her be and pussyfooting around....

Fair enough advice for distant relatives and not so close friends but if you can't ask your own DD if there's a problem, then who can you?

Halliehallie9828 · 30/10/2020 12:55

Maybe they are just busy?

Why do you need to see them so badly ?

Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2020 12:56

Is one at Secondary school now and 1 at Primary?
The gap really seems to widen when that happens

CarrieMoonbeams · 30/10/2020 12:56

The thing is OP, with some people (and I'm one of them!), the more you push them, the more you're likely to push them AWAY.

Unless you can think of something that went wrong at the birthday thing 3 weeks ago, I think you've got to give her some space. Could you leave it for a few days and then contact her to ask if everything is OK?

BigBigPumpkin · 30/10/2020 12:57

@babayjane67

The girls still love seeing each other&my GS. They play really well together.never want the other to leave.they were still like that 3 wks ago so I can't see how it's going to have changed to be honest.
Do the girls contact each other via social media or messaging platforms?
diddl · 30/10/2020 12:59

@Justmuddlingalong

It all sounds a bit claustrophobic. Back off and let her come to you when she's ready.
That would be my thought as well tbh.

Are you always there when your youngest is?

vanillandhoney · 30/10/2020 13:00

What do you mean by start another argument? Maybe it's nothing to do with the girls and she just wants some space if you two are arguing a lot?

Laiste · 30/10/2020 13:00

So her kids are 10 and ... ? And how old is she?

Perhaps she wants to step back just a little bit from the 'blended' family vibe.

I have 4 DDs and there is a 15 year gap at one point. I can imagine when my eldest has kids of her own there will be a part of her which will want me to be Gran rather than 'mum friend' coming round with another young kid. If that makes sense?

Ismellphantoms · 30/10/2020 13:01

I'd just message and say that your DD has nothing to do for Halloween and would love to join in the party and see what your big DD says.

Brighterthansunflowers · 30/10/2020 13:02

Your comment about not wanting to start another argument sounds like there’s probably a lot of backstory you’re leaving out. Which is fine, it’s none of our business. But nobody on here will know what’s going on and why your DD seems to be putting you off. Do you can either try and work it out yourself knowing the back story (and being honest with yourself about your own actions) or you can speak to her about it.