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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter seems to be putting us off?

113 replies

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 12:09

Hi all
I have 3 dds,2 adults who are both married&1 who's 12& obviously still at home.
My eldest DD has 2 kids of her own,a girl &boy.the girl is 21 months older than my youngest so are more like sisters.weve always done alot together &always included her in everything we do,days out,parties,sleepovers,holidays.theyve really missed the sleepovers this yr.
Anyway we always try&get together every school hol at some point.we either go out somewhere or we go to them or they come to us.
I've been trying all week to organise something&she seems to keep putting me off.we last saw them almost 3 wks ago when it was her birthday.
There's 4 of them&3 of us so my partner just drops us off as otherwise it'd be more than the allowed 6.
She's doing a Halloween party as it's my grandsons fave time of year.so she's decorating it all&they're doing the pumpkins today.shes put me off again today for this reason.so I said ok what about tomorrow? I'm having flu Jab&then we've got the party she said.
Couldn't go Mon as she was busy,Tues was their homework day which is fair enough.Wed they were busy,yest my gd was grounded for bad behaviour&today& tomorrow as I said before.
So only leaves Sun! No invite for my youngest,her little sister,to their party tomorrow.
If it was the other way around they'd have been invited without even thinking about it!
Aibu to think surely she can spare one day out the week for us? Even if it was just an invite to the party.my youngest is upset she hasn't seen them yet&doesn't know why she hasn't been invited to the party.
I understand that we are very lucky we saw them all 3 wks ago&that alot of people haven't seen their families for months which is awful but it's strange that she seems to be putting us off this time.
They only live 15 minutes away.
I could say something to her but then I don't want to start another argument&cause bad feeling.

OP posts:

emmathedilemma · 30/10/2020 13:03

Perhaps she's genuinely busy and doesn't want visitors. One week to herself doesn't seem too unreasonable!

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2020 13:04

I think this is just one of those things where you’ve got basically an only child, and so she’d love to be included - but the other family is bigger and it’s not fair to push for an invite.

Invite your niece over for a sleepover at yours with your DD instead.

MzHz · 30/10/2020 13:05

There and a. Big difference between 12 yo girl and 14yo girl, but I can’t imagine much will have changed in the last 3 weeks.

@babayjane67 something isn’t right. I think you have to ask “is there something I’ve done to upset you?” and “I don’t know when I’m going to see you/I’m doing houseworkwashing my hair is a tried and tested way to tell someone you’re not interested in seeing them. At. All.”

She’s your dd. Speak to her. Don’t guess.

Ask her what’s going on that she doesn’t want you there?

It might be her, with an issue, and not at all to do with you

ChristopherLillicrap · 30/10/2020 13:08

I have two friends who are related to each other in the same way. The uncle was in the year below his nephew at school and their family members spent a lot of time with each other.When they were younger they got on well but by secondary school age they were quite relieved when they ended up at different schools.

The novelty of being uncle/nephew and the same age had worn off a fair bit. Like a lot of children who are friends at primary school, they realised that they had somehow outgrown each other a bit and wanted different friends.

They're adults now and are back to being good friends again but they also value their own space away from each other - just like any other friend would.

Noideawhatusername · 30/10/2020 13:09

Can you have a little Halloween party for your youngest daughter and she can invite a couple of school friends? So she won’t miss out?

Halliehallie9828 · 30/10/2020 13:12

@Ismellphantoms

I'd just message and say that your DD has nothing to do for Halloween and would love to join in the party and see what your big DD says.

You can’t do this! How bloody rude to invite yourself.

Oxyiz · 30/10/2020 13:13

Three weeks ago isn't that long, especially when one of them is half term. Its not like she's cut you off forever.

Do you usually get anxious like this if she has any time "away" from you?

slashlover · 30/10/2020 13:14

Does your middle DD live close because you haven't mentioned her once apart from your OP?

diddl · 30/10/2020 13:14

@babayjane67

She's now just said I have no idea when we will see u,I'm busy doing housework now&the kids are doing their pumpkins.i told I got my jab&party tomorrow &Sun theyre going to their other nans. I haven't replied yet.

So just reply "Ok, let me know"?

And leave it up to her.

She doesn't have to see you until she wants to or explain herself to you.

diddl · 30/10/2020 13:17

"No invite for my youngest,her little sister,to their party tomorrow."

Why should there be?

Flushi · 30/10/2020 13:17

Just ask her! But maybe she just wants time with her little family

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 13:18

Wow alot of replies! Thanks!
She got funny with me a couple of yrs ago,saying I wasn't including my GS in anything&that it was all about my gd.he is 5 yrs younger than her&6 yrs younger than DD.
So he was still very young,in nappies etc&couldn't obviously do alot of things the girls wanted to do.i couldn't make her see that though for a while&she would just fly off the handle at me about it.
When gd was a baby they always came over for different things&quite often stayed over especially at Christmas.they haven't done that at all since gs arrived.
Gd was very much the centre of their world for 5yrs then when gs came along it wasn't the same.the girls love dgs but also love having time to themselves away from him&not feeling like they always have to do/play what GS wants to which when we are at theirs,they're expected to alot.
Like i said we've had our ups&downs over the years but I don't think it's any more than anyone else really.

OP posts:

slashlover · 30/10/2020 13:23

So he was still very young,in nappies etc&couldn't obviously do alot of things the girls wanted to do.i couldn't make her see that though for a while&she would just fly off the handle at me about it.

Do you ever do anything with your grandson without your granddaughter being there? Seems like she wants to stop the favouritism now your grandson is at an age to realise what is happening.

BorderlineHappy · 30/10/2020 13:23

I have 4 DDs and there is a 15 year gap at one point. I can imagine when my eldest has kids of her own there will be a part of her which will want me to be Gran rather than 'mum friend' coming round with another young kid. If that makes sense?

This i have a large age gap between kids.My ds has 2 kids.I just go on my own sometimes just to be granny.

@babayjane67 What age is her youngest child.

Maybe they just want to do things as a family and not with you.

Plus is it easier for you if your dd plays with their dd. Saves you having to do anything with her on your own.

ChristopherLillicrap · 30/10/2020 13:25

So it looks as though you've been thinking of it as "GD is my DD's friend so I'll invite her round."

Meanwhile your DD is thinking, "She only ever invites one of her grandchildren round and leaves my DS out."

I would focus on spending more time with your GS rather than concentrating on your GD and her relationship with your youngest DD.

Nottherealslimshady · 30/10/2020 13:26

It all sounds very intense and close. Maybe she wants to do things with her daughter and her friends and husband rather than with her mum and her little sister who's the same age as her own kid.
I think you've kinda fallen into the trap of thinking that because you have babies around the same age you're like mummy friends?
It does sound like she's trying to make some distance and reduce the visits so you should pick up what she's putting down and respect that and step back a bit.

Monr0e · 30/10/2020 13:28

It does sound like she is putting you off and it could be for any number of reasons.

Maybe she feels your GS is left out a lot when the girls are together and wants to avoid that.

Whatever the reason you should give her space and not try to pin her down. Just send back a "no problem, enjoy the party, hope to see you soon x" message and leave her to it.

And plan a little something separate for your younger DD.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 30/10/2020 13:28

My son in law won't let them have sleepovers since Covid because of his anxiety over it.otherwise we'd have had a few by now.
Youngest DD wants to go trick or treating round the house.so that's what we're going to do.plus she's been invited to my friends little party now with her 2 girls&another little friend.so we will probably do that.
My middle DD is married too,with no kids yet&works full time bless her.she lives about 10mins away.we see her every couple of months or so.we spent the day with her Monday as she was on hols.
She doesn't drive,nor do I so we rely on our partners to take us anywhere or buses.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 30/10/2020 13:31

Mised your update got distracted typing. Yeah I definitely think you've taken yourself out of grandparent role and into mummy friend with DDs the same age role.
You're a grandparent to her DD and DS, the age of your own kid shouldn't matter, you're missing out on your grandson and you kinda seem to be blaming him for it. And you're probably missing out on actually being a grandparent to your granddaughter because you're treating her like your daughters friend. Leave your daughter with your partner and arrange to spend some time with just your grandchildren. Both of them.

CeibaTree · 30/10/2020 13:34

I agree with the above poster, the lines of your relationships seems very blurred. Just be a grandparent to both of her children and not tread your visits as a playdate for your youngest. But really you just need to ask her what's up.

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/10/2020 13:34

@ChristopherLillicrap

So it looks as though you've been thinking of it as "GD is my DD's friend so I'll invite her round."

Meanwhile your DD is thinking, "She only ever invites one of her grandchildren round and leaves my DS out."

I would focus on spending more time with your GS rather than concentrating on your GD and her relationship with your youngest DD.

Agree 100% with this, if this is the case I would be annoyed with you too and would try to create a bit of space, which it seems your DD is doing.

I would suggest you treat your youngest as an only child and spend quite a bit of time with her and build friendships with friends from school rather than her relying on your older DD and DGD.

SeasonFinale · 30/10/2020 13:35

Seriously its half term and it sounds like she has done a lot already she probably just wants to chill out.

Also remember you are her mother not her friend as such. She doea not need playdates to keep her kids amused the way you seem to.

forrestgreen · 30/10/2020 13:40

How hard is it
Send a text
'Hi it's feeing weird re the party. Have the girls fallen out at all or have I missed something. Can we talk to put it right please '

Done

FakeCutlassesAreAGatewayWeapon · 30/10/2020 13:41

Re the party if there are 4 of them they may be inviting one friend per child to make things fair.

It's such a difficult time right now I'd just go with things and see what happens. Everything has been so chaotic that it may be that she just wants some space but feels like saying that may offend you.

BorderlineHappy · 30/10/2020 13:42

Maybe she thinks her dd needs more friends other than her aunt.

I had cousins the same age, in the same class expected to do everything together.

It really limits your friendship.

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