to not understand why so many people are against adoption?

[Confusedamonium]

Before deciding to adopt, I'd never really been aware of this but it appears that a huge chunk of society are really, really against adoption - and I just don't understand why.

• SIL thinks children should be in foster care in case their parents change their minds or change their behaviour. She thinks permanently removing a child (no matter how much support has been offered or how long/severe the problems are) is unfair on the biological parents.
• DM thinks that no one can love an adopted child as much as a biological child - despite what we tell her.

People make comments about how cruel it is that children are taken from their parents (to both the children and the parents). Can anyone actually explain why they think it's better that children either float around foster placements or remain in abusive homes? What really shocks me is that foster carers are perceived as saintly carers for innocent souls and adopters are perceived as evil child snatchers. My parents foster and get no end of praise for it but one mention of adoption and people turn frosty.

I haven't RTFT but, as a teacher for over 30 years I have known children who should have been taken into care and adopted much earlier than they were and some that stayed with parents and went on to have very sad lives as a result.

@Confusedamonium

Someone I know once said to me that's it's funny how many people think that a parent deserves a second, third, fourth, fifth chance but no one seems to think a child deserves a first chance.

If agree with this sentiment.

There was another thread a while ago where a parent talked about this.

Essentially their child's birth parents had been given so many chances that by the time the adoption order was made the child had suffered significantly. The parents had followed the same M.O. with previous children so the outcome wasn't surprising.

I'm prepared to be flamed but tbh I think current policies overwhelmingly favour the parents over the child - even if they purport the opposite.

I'm also not sure about the benefits of ongoing contact with birth families in the case of older children being adopted.

If they've been removed fir good reason why would you encourage that influence long term?

I'm also not sure about the benefits of ongoing contact with birth families in the case of older children being adopted. If they've been removed fir good reason why would you encourage that influence long term?

The loss adopted children feel for their birth parents can be very strong, even if they have no real memory of them. having some contact can mitigate this.
Keeping contact can also stop 'rose tinted spectacles' viewpoints.

“I'm also not sure about the benefits of ongoing contact with birth families in the case of older children being adopted.

If they've been removed fir good reason why would you encourage that influence long term?”

It depends entirely on the individual situation, for some children the damage that no contact would cause is greater than the damage contact would cause. Its a delicate balancing act.

@TeenPlusTwenties Not at all but I believe if a DM tells her GP she isn't coping she should get help firstly not assumed guilty and scrutinised by SS to the point she has a real breakdown. There has been many cases when this happens.

Anyways I'm out obviously Queen is offended. Enjoy the one sided discussion.

One sided my arse. Just challenging absolute nonsense.

No parent... NO parent... has a child removed simply because they had one breakdown. The system would be in gridlock if that were the case.

You’re either being enormously naive or have ‘skin in the game’ in this discussion.

I’ve honestly never heard anything negative about adoption in the way you describe.

I think there is a lot of naivety on both sides here.

Who is this “huge chunk of society” of which you speak. I don't know anyone that thinks that adoption is anything but a last resort, and i have two close friends that adopted and two that decided they couldn’t face the application process and remained childless.

Those that did adopt faced huge challenges and all three children have had numerous issues which only reinforces the difficulties they experienced in their lives with their birth parents.

No buddy, I’ve never experienced racism or homophobia either because I’m a white straight woman. I listen when gay people from BAME backgrounds tell me they do though.

[quote andannabegins]@AcrossthePond55 you were the gift of children. What a beautiful thing to say. I feel so blessed to have been given my DD to love forever.[/quote]
💐💐 We are all blessed, parents and children.

This is hokey as heck but still:

“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart but in it.”

—Fleur Conkling Heyliger.

My mum has severe dementia. When we cleared out her house after she went into care I found that little poem clipped out and carefully kept in her Bible. On the back was written "The best days of my life", which is what she told my brother and me about they days she and Dad brought us home. On the Bible's page was underlined this verse: "Children are a gift from God. They are a reward from Him". Psalms 127:3 (New Living Translation)

Says all you need to know.

I don't know anyone that thinks that adoption is anything but a last resort,

Did you mean to write this? That adoption is a last resort?

I think it’s pretty obvious that poster meant adoption is the last resort when removing a child from its birth parents.

I am not so sure. As I say I think there is naivety on both sides here.

@tearstainedbakes

I don't know anyone that thinks that adoption is anything but a last resort,

Did you mean to write this? That adoption is a last resort?

The poster meant that removal of a child and placing them for adoption is a last resort.

Not that becoming a parent by way of adoption is.

No parent... NO parent... has a child removed simply because they had one breakdown. The system would be in gridlock if that were the case
I'll leave you with this. I've no skin in this discussion. It is uncomfortable watching if you want to skip directly to 17.30 minutes onwards there is a mc speaker too for balance.
It is from 2016. There are plenty of other recent investigations.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=va1N9r2Vieg&t=1027s

No parent... NO parent... has a child removed simply because they ha

@tearstainedbakes

I don't know anyone that thinks that adoption is anything but a last resort,

Did you mean to write this? That adoption is a last resort?

tear Adoption is a last resort for the children. It means everything else has been tried to help the birth parents.

It is not a last resort for adoptive parents. Many do come to adoption via infertility, others choose adoption for other reasons. But it is always an active choice, hopefully made with a good understanding of the rewards and risks.

@EmeraldShamrock

No parent... NO parent... has a child removed simply because they had one breakdown. The system would be in gridlock if that were the case I'll leave you with this. I've no skin in this discussion. It is uncomfortable watching if you want to skip directly to 17.30 minutes onwards there is a mc speaker too for balance. It is from 2016. There are plenty of other recent investigations. m.youtube.com/watch?v=va1N9r2Vieg&t=1027s

No parent... NO parent... has a child removed simply because they ha

Yet you fail to actually provide any evidence.

I don't think the children would be up for adoption if there was any chance it was safe to go back to the parents. I think adoption is stability for the children, were foster homes are temporary and unsettling for a lot of children they never feel they belong even if the fosterers are very nice people.

No i never heard anything but admiration to people who adopt from the same country the baby and the parents are already in. The only time there are negative views is when its not adoption but surregacy/donor or overseas adoption.

Oh! I didn't get that.

For what it's worth, we are parents through adoption and we've heard all these things.

Child stealers, targets, you won't love them as much as your own kids, real parents, pitying you for not having biological kids etc

On another note the poor kids come way down in the priority list behind birth parents, repeatedly returned for further attempts to send the kids back to birth family, every time the kids come back more traumatised. But you know, they only take the kids to meet targets 🙄

@tearstainedbakes

I don't know anyone that thinks that adoption is anything but a last resort,

Did you mean to write this? That adoption is a last resort?

Adoption is absolutely the last resort for the child.

Not only does it mean the child is unable to return to birth parents (3 in 5 children do return to birth parents), it also usually means no one within the birth family are able to meet the child/rens needs.

Usually if a child can be cared for by another birth relative this tends to be an SGO, but some of us do insist on adoption instead as only that makes us the parent for our child.

Sorry for misunderstanding.

Adoption was our first choice, a very conscious decision.

@SimonJT

“I'm also not sure about the benefits of ongoing contact with birth families in the case of older children being adopted.

If they've been removed fir good reason why would you encourage that influence long term?”

It depends entirely on the individual situation, for some children the damage that no contact would cause is greater than the damage contact would cause. Its a delicate balancing act.

I accept that and can absolutely see that in some circumstances it might be the right choice.

@TableFlowerss
'I’m sorry you had a difficult time, must have been horrendous. I would like to think that the majority of adoptive parents aren’t abusive and I’m sure that’s the case.

It’s great that you’ve got a relationship with your birth parents now, but with all due
respect, feeling they love you isn’t the issue.

I’m sure the love would always be there from birth parents to some degree, but loving a child isn’t enough if you can’t keep them safe, put their needs above your own, do what is best for them.

I suppose it’s like when my 12 year old moans that I make her go up to bed at 9pm on a school night and that I won’t let her eat 3 bags of crisps in one day. She thinks I’m ‘mean’ but I’m doing it for her benefits, although she doesn’t fully appreciate it at the moment.'

Like I said my opinions are based on my experience so I know its in the minority, Thankfully!

However, in my case, My adoption was forced by my maternal grandfather, they were only just 17 when I was born, My Mum didn't even tell my Dad she was pregnant and her own Father made her give me up against her will, if SS had intervened and supported her then I wouldn't have needed to be adopted. When I traced my Dad last year it was a complete shck for him as he had no idea I been existed and he was very upset as if he had my paternal grandmother would have stepped in and raised me even if my Mum couldn't.

I know that it is less common for babies to be adopted now and is more likely to be older children from abusive homes, but I do think a previous poster got it right when they said that adoption should be a first choice not a last resort, they need to go into it knowing the difficulties the child may have and there does need to be more support after the adoption.

Children gain a much greater sense of permanence and identity from being adopted then they do in foster care. People forget that not all foster carers are long term. A child could go from foster placement to foster placement.

I have never experienced negativity towards adoption and am sorry you've experienced this.
My aunt has one adopted son and two biological sons. She loves them all equally.