BIL bringing new girlfriend aground

[itwasrebekahvardysaccount]

Family meal next week obviously if we're not in lockdown. BIL moved out of his family home with ex and the kids 2 weeks ago OW he has been having affair with is coming for the meal. MIL says she can't say anything feels slightly uncomfortable about it but it's up to him.

AIBU to think this isn't normal and I'm not crazy not wanting to be apart of it? I wasn't that close to ex SIL but we both still had a good time when we seen each other.

Please tell me if I'm being a drama queen and being over the top as OH thinks I am

Depends, what was going on in the marriage?

@BibbityBobbityBellend

Could you discuss with your MIL what she could say? Realistically she's the one who has the most say in this. Even though it's not her business either. Families are so hard. This is such a desperately sad situation but being civil with OW doesn't mean anything about your relationship with ex SIL. It just means you're civil.

When I was pregnant everyone found out DFIL was having an affair. DH met OW for a meal once. I was asked if it was ok for her and DFIL to come and see DD before we even left hospital. It was the first time I met her and I felt it wasn't appropriate but I knew she was going to be part of the family in the future so but my tongue at both of them.

Your poor MiL. That’s a horrible betrayal of her by her son and his wife. She must have been so hurt at her husband’s OW being welcomed to meet her new grandchild in hospital. I’m appalled.

GeorginatheGiant, there are plenty of men who outwardly and loudly express disgust... and then they get caught doing the exact same thing.

Nobody knows what is going on behind closed doors and only the very stupid and/or gossipy, believe that they do. This is a tough enough situation without a person not involved, making it about them and their 'moral compass'.

It’s awful and he’s doing it to crap on his wife. What’s the betting it’s all over FB the same evening?

/\ THIS

Don’t be part of it. You have your own values to adhere to. Too soon for you.

As we are all nearly in T2 now - might never happen.

Crikey... have just seen your follow-up post. Loving the drama, aren't you? Ugh.

If he was my Dbro/son he wouldn't be invited to dinner as it is your BIL and MIL it isn't your place to say no.
I don't think I'd go.

BiL is using you and your company to normalise and legitimise his new relationship. He wants comfort and the familiar family experience except with a new-model woman.
I would tell him to get to fuck and you will meet new woman happily in six months time (or whatever) when the dust has settled and you feel sure that doing so wont be painful for his ex and your DN's. His even expecting this to be OK marks him out as a total nob.

I would refuse to go. I would not be able to be civil. Its far too soon for this woman to be sneaking herself into the family, she clearly has no shame.

@VimFuego101

YANBU, and it speaks volumes about what sort of person the OW is that she would show her face two weeks after he left his wife and children. No way I'd be going.

This.

There is no way I’d be civil. I’d turn up and tell them what complete shits they both are. I would have no problem telling them my thoughts, it’s disgusting and it’s a shame society is so accepting of these people.

I wonder if OW has already met MIL a few times - during the affair? And that is why MIL is supporting this attendance?

@GeorginaTheGiant it wasn't MIL it was SMIL, another OW from years before. If it had been, the story would have been different.

We did keep in touch for a short time after to try and include her but step families are complicated.

Who exactly is going to be at this meal? Is it just you and DH, BiL and the woman, and your MIL, or are there going to be children present?

This is MN where the OW should be tarred and feathered and Not Spoken To for the next umpteen years because she's disgusting and immoral.

I think most people in this situation might be a bit put out and think it's a bit too soon and they'd probably be right.

But if neither your MIL or your DH are going to say anything, then I don't see that you have any choice but to go and be polite and open minded. It's very easy to judge when you don't know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship. For all you know, your SIL was shagging someone else as well.

I see the phrase "Not your circus, not your monkeys" bandied about here all the time and in this instance, I'd say it was appropriate.

I wouldn't join I this. It's far too soon , maybe in 6-12 months but not now.
Right now, I wouldn't want to be involved in anything that might be hurtful to other people and no one would be confusing my DC by swift changes of important ppl in their lives - BIL would have to wait to introduce given they were used to him with their auntie for years

So If it's just adults, I'd leave DH to go on his own if DH was insistent but I'd refuse

If it was our DCs as well, I'd book something else every time we were invited and we would all go to that instead.

If ow turned up snd I felt uncomfortable, I'd leave with my family

It's the timing of it's that's insensitive

6-12 months down the line not a problem

TWO WEEKS??? Two weeks is insensitive, gloaty and immature of BIL and OW to try to slot her in his wife's place with other family

@THisbackwithavengeance

This is MN where the OW should be tarred and feathered and Not Spoken To for the next umpteen years because she's disgusting and immoral.

I think most people in this situation might be a bit put out and think it's a bit too soon and they'd probably be right.

But if neither your MIL or your DH are going to say anything, then I don't see that you have any choice but to go and be polite and open minded. It's very easy to judge when you don't know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship. For all you know, your SIL was shagging someone else as well.

I see the phrase "Not your circus, not your monkeys" bandied about here all the time and in this instance, I'd say it was appropriate.

Depends on the situation with the marriage and if SIL (the one being cheated on) is an evil bitch.

Generally though, although 'not spoken to for next few years etc' isn't good and things generally even themselves out (I'm from a family with numerous step-grandparents, second, third marriages, affairs etc) I wouldn't be welcoming an OW two weeks, yes that's TWO WEEKS after BIL/DB moved out of the family home. Way too soon. I think it's also emotional blackmail of BIL to expect OW to be invited round.

Bet there's a backstory though...

Grim! I’d feel exactly the same way. Find an excuse not to go?

I wouldn't go. No matter what was going on in the marriage, he was focused on OW outside of the marriage in order for him to be bringing her along to family meals 2 weeks after he finally left/got kicked out.

It's disrespectful to his children as well. Focus clearly wasn't on them either, and still isn't. And they'll be stuck in the middle, poor things.

If I was his mum I'd say that sorry, it's too soon. I certainly wouldn't feel ready to host the OW.

I also think it's fine for you to say the same. You don't have to rule out meeting her in the medium term, but I think you can tell him that you think he's rushing it (and putting his mum in a difficult situation)

Are his kids going to be there?

If so no matter what the backstory it's incredibly shitty parenting on his part and MIL should call him up on it.

The OW sure is bold as brass to attend a family meal, mere days after contributing to the breakdown of a marriage.

I wouldn't have a meal with a stranger at the moment.

It’s way too soon. I would stay away from that meal and just get OH to tell him you guys still love him but it’s inappropriate and too soon.

Nope, not a chance I'd go. Let DH if he wants to, though I agree about his dodgy moral compass, but I would be making excuses not to go and I'd not want my children involved either. What a pair...

Exceedingly trashy behaviour. For me, it would depend on who is attending. I might decide that the children (if any) and I were indisposed that day, if your husband won't make a huge issue of it. But realistically, it's only a matter of time before you'll have to interact with the new couple (of cheaters), unless you're willing to avoid them forever. I definitely wouldn't be warm and welcoming, though. Merely civil.