BIL bringing new girlfriend aground

[itwasrebekahvardysaccount]

Family meal next week obviously if we're not in lockdown. BIL moved out of his family home with ex and the kids 2 weeks ago OW he has been having affair with is coming for the meal. MIL says she can't say anything feels slightly uncomfortable about it but it's up to him.

AIBU to think this isn't normal and I'm not crazy not wanting to be apart of it? I wasn't that close to ex SIL but we both still had a good time when we seen each other.

Please tell me if I'm being a drama queen and being over the top as OH thinks I am

Wow! Insensitive to SIL much? Just makes me wonder about 'families' sometimes. Even Aunties aren't for life now

I wouldn’t go either. Talk about salt in the wound. You’re not overreacting, what you’re seeing is what would happen if your DH did the same to you- everyone in family just accepts it instantly and moves on! MIL needs to say something as well

no matter how much you know, the full story is between the three of them

Absolutely not. The person being cheated on isn’t even in the know. How on earth can you say whatever has happened is a three way thing? Utterly clueless.

The OW has got some brass neck to go to the meal 2 weeks after he left his wife and kids!!

Goes with the territory. It’s all about that true love and everyone else is supposed to see it from their perspective.

I wouldn’t go

Your DHs attitude is off imo. I would be discussing with him how you feel, because he is condoning shitty behaviour and that would make me worry about him doing the same.

I would feel like this too, it is a great big red flag about how the in-laws feel about those that married in, easily replaceable units that have no value of their own and are just there to service the men ( I may have just come over from FWR board)

Could you discuss with your MIL what she could say? Realistically she's the one who has the most say in this. Even though it's not her business either. Families are so hard. This is such a desperately sad situation but being civil with OW doesn't mean anything about your relationship with ex SIL. It just means you're civil.

When I was pregnant everyone found out DFIL was having an affair. DH met OW for a meal once. I was asked if it was ok for her and DFIL to come and see DD before we even left hospital. It was the first time I met her and I felt it wasn't appropriate but I knew she was going to be part of the family in the future so but my tongue at both of them.

I wouldn't go and I would tell MIL why.

YANBU, and it speaks volumes about what sort of person the OW is that she would show her face two weeks after he left his wife and children. No way I'd be going.

In your shoes I’d refuse to attend and condone this ridiculous charade.

You could use Covid as an excuse or you could be honest with MIL and ask her if she’s willing to potentially lose access to her grandchildren if she plays along, because she can’t really think that her ex DIL will happily accept this nonsense.

Your BIL wronged his wife more than this woman did. Just be civil or don't go.

I agree - it's hypocritical to be ok with going if it was just the BIL there but refuse because of OW (otherwise why mention her at all?).

I wouldn't go. Mil can do what she wants.

@Nottherealslimshady

I agree with you but you cant really argue it. Just be civil and try to focus on others at the table. Dont know why she'd even want to meet his family so soon after he walked out on his wife, does she really think everyone's going to excited to meet her? How awkward.

This.

Have you sent a text of general support to your ex SIL? If it was me I would as there is a chance that she will hear about the OW coming along to the family gathering. I wouldn't mention it but I would definitely express my support to her.

I would express my support by not going.

Yes I think it would be too soon.

Who's organising or hosting the meal? They should ask him to hold off a while as it's way too soon.

I'd feel super uncomfortable about attending and endorsing his crass behaviour.

Ugh that's totally grim. Sounds like your MIL and DH are willing to sweep it under the carpet. I'd go and ask them all about their relationship... how long have they been together, how did they manage to sneak around... they'd get a good grilling from me.

I wouldn’t go.

Yep, I'd do a super friendly OTT grilling of them. I'd love to hear how you met? Ooh, how romantic was it? (Lying and sneaking about). When's the wedding,are you having more children? Ever so friendly and welcoming,though.

It's too soon and with rapidly rising Coronavirus cases in pretty much all areas I'd also not want to be inside for a long period of time with several other households.

I’d definitely go, just so I could make what I think of them both clear. If the MIL is condoning her sons behaviour, I’d have no issues upsetting her by calling them out on their behaviour either.

If this acceptable in their family, I’d be worried about the same thing happening to me and my DC.

Just a question, had they only just split? We split many months before we told family and only moved out when we were at the stage of wanting to date etc (it was cheaper not to have two separate homes at first) so family found it fast but it was 9 months from splitting to meeting dp

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I don't think it's relevant that it's DH's side of the family - we all have our own moral standards and no one has a right to expect you to compromise yours. SIL has been part of this family for years and now everyone is expected to condone both his cheating and his attempt to slot another woman into his wife's place after two weeks. That's grim, by anyone's standards. I couldn't sit there and be polite. I'd actually be quite worried about my own husband's moral compass if he was okay with this

This, especially the last sentence. If my husband was anything other than disgusted by his brother and showing it, I would be appalled and very concerned.

If you feel this way OP, why are you wanting to socialise with your BIL at all? I mean, he's the perpetrator, the one who actually left his wife. Presumably he'll still see his children so I don't agree that he has left them.

You weren't close to your SIL, no need to feign what wasn't there, but you can vote with your feet, restrict your own attendance and politely decline.

@Tistheseason17

Yep, I'd do a super friendly OTT grilling of them. I'd love to hear how you met? Ooh, how romantic was it? (Lying and sneaking about). When's the wedding,are you having more children? Ever so friendly and welcoming,though.

Love this-passive aggression needed in spades!

Sound bad but I would go and do my best to show how I felt about the whole situation, wouldn’t overtly say anything but it would be obvious