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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To open exes post

94 replies

purplepolo · 28/10/2020 17:25

Me and ex have been split for a long time, still sorting out cms and ex won't prove his income.

Hes been told he needs to pay 13.50 a week for two children, based on last years income (he hardly worked last year)

Hes on £130 a day and I know this is true as its what he was on when we were together, since we split hes gone on about pay rises, etc so could be more now (although I doubt it - hes just trying to make himself look good lol )

Hes staying at friends, doesn't have a fixed address and some of his post occasionally comes here. One of his letters today is from his bank (I can tell by the font of the name and address) and I assume its a bank statement as its quite a thick letter.

Ex is not cooperating and isn't answering cms any more and isn't showing proof of income, aibu to send a photo of the statements?

I know its wrong, but I'm at my wits end :(

I am prepared to be grilled haha

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 28/10/2020 17:26

I would

Missandra · 28/10/2020 17:26

It’s illegal so yes yabu.

OldEvilOwl · 28/10/2020 17:26

Take a photo of it to on your phone

OldEvilOwl · 28/10/2020 17:27

*too

Missandra · 28/10/2020 17:27

I’d be very wary of using some you have obtained illegally for cms. If your ex kicks up a fuss you could end up in a heap of shit.

MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 17:30

YABU. If you opened it illegally then it's irrelevant to them - they can't use it and may be obliged to report you.

OldEvilOwl · 28/10/2020 17:34

I'm not suggesting she uses it either, but at least she would know how much he gets paid and if he's been lying or not

PathOfLeastResitance · 28/10/2020 17:35

Personally I don’t think it would be your fault if you accidentally opened his post. Why would you expect post to come to your house that isn’t for you? I would also photocopy it and send it to the CMS.

Original poster
purplepolo · 28/10/2020 17:37

Cms have told me I need proof of his income to back up the fact I know what he's currently earning, its so frustrating as its right thereSad but you're right it is illegal. The most frustrating part is that I know exactly what he's on, he's still with the same company self employed/sub contractor trade worker , won't be leaving them any time soon, and cms have told me that they just have to go on last years unless I provide solid proof

OP posts:
TrulyOutrageousJem · 28/10/2020 17:42

I’d open it.
100%
Those who say you shouldn’t haven’t been through the hell of the CMS system. The CMS should have the power to access all this information but they don’t and you have to spoon feed them everything.

LatteLover12 · 28/10/2020 17:44

I'd open it OP. Accidents happen don't they? 😇

GreasyFryUp · 28/10/2020 17:51

But didn't you accidentally open it thinking it was yours? Because you thought by now there should be none of his post coming to your house as he is obviously so sorted and organised...?

Missandra · 28/10/2020 18:02

@TrulyOutrageousJem

I’d open it. 100% Those who say you shouldn’t haven’t been through the hell of the CMS system. The CMS should have the power to access all this information but they don’t and you have to spoon feed them everything.
I have been through cms and ex still pays nothing. I get how unfair and frustrating it is. My concern is for the op who could get herself into trouble.
MisfitRightIn · 28/10/2020 18:06

You didn’t notice it was his, when you opened it. It was only when you read (and took photos) of the contents that you realized your mistake.

After all, you’d expect mail coming to your home to be for you. No reason to be looking out for ex’s post.

I hope you get what you need. Your kids come first in all of this, and your ex is shady.

StoneColdBitch · 28/10/2020 18:10

It's illegal. If my ex opened my bank statement without my consent I'd kick up a huge fuss and get him in as much trouble as I could. Do you want him to do that to you?

I think YABU. Sorry though. I get that CMS is frustrating!

britnay · 28/10/2020 18:12

Why wouldn't you open mail that has come to your house?

AIMD · 28/10/2020 18:13

Why is it coming to your house?

I’d open it but not tell anyone I’d opened it. Just so I knew what income he really had.

BritWifeinUSA · 28/10/2020 18:18

And if he finds out you’ve opened it? If he doesn’t care enough about his own children to give more than £6.75 per child per week then he cares even less about what happens to you if he contacts the police about you opening his mail.

Loveable1 · 28/10/2020 18:19

If it was me I would open it, but in the long run I don’t think it will help you unfortunately. I highly doubt the cms would be able to use the evidence you provide, even if they did and then contacted him they would have to tell him how they know what he earns...You could be in a lot of trouble especially if he takes it further. Rubbish situation Flowers

SandwichDistraction · 28/10/2020 18:19

"A person commits an offence if, intending to act to a person's detriment and without reasonable excuse, he opens a postal packet which he knows or reasonably suspects has been incorrectly delivered to him."

It really bugs me on these posts when people say simply opening someone’s mail is an offence. It isn’t. At the end of the day if he doesn’t want you to see it he should have sorted out changing his address, it hasn’t actually been incorrectly delivered has it? And easy enough to say you simply opened the mail that came through your door without looking at the name on it and then handed it over to ex when you realised it was his.

In my opinion it is much worse, morally speaking, for a father to avoid paying fair maintenance for his kids.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/10/2020 18:21

Open it take a photo copy give the original back to the bank telling them he no longer lives there

Send the copy to child maintenance anonymously

SandwichDistraction · 28/10/2020 18:23

You would also not end up in a “heap of shit”. If police even bothered speaking to you about it and you said “post came through my door, I opened it without looking at the name on it” I guarantee that would be the end of it. Police would literally not give a shiny shit.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 28/10/2020 18:27

It would be inadmissible in a court but Cms can make of it what they want...

GivingItAMiss · 28/10/2020 19:01

Speaking as someone who hasn't seen any child maintenance in years....open it. If he doesn't want his post coming to your house he needs to update his bank..

slipperywhensparticus · 28/10/2020 20:03

My bank only send out statements in blank envelopes so you would need to open it to see who its from to return to sender if asked why you didn't just give it to ex say well im fed up with him not changing his address so im returning it all to sender

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