DH just apologised

[TheBells]

For something that happened over a year ago. The apology came up during a discussion which brought back memories of 'the incident', and honestly, for the entire time from then until today I've been wondering whether or not I was just being too sensitive. Tonight, he told me that he was entirely in the wrong. I'm interested to know who the MN jury would deem as guilty in this case. (Name changed to avoid any bias).

So around December 2018 DH had severe stomach pain, called 111 and was advised to go to A&E. He was anxious, and asked if I would go with him. We have twins, who at the time were five and a bit months old. Normally I wouldn't mention my twins for fear of being called a troll but I believe it's relevant in this context. MIL had been staying with us for Christmas. DH asked me to come with him to the hospital and leave DTs with MIL. Now she's not the worst person in the world, but she is on many medications and prone to epileptic seizures. Despite this, for some crazy reason, I decided to answer DH's plea for help and left sleeping DTs with her. It was quite late at night so I hoped they would just sleep through, and in fairness, they did.

DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things. Yet, he said I had a face like a slapped arse. He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay. He told me he wished he never asked me to come, because I'd been so anxious the whole time and not focused on him as much as he would have wanted. After being diagnosed with kidney stones, I drove him back home in the early hours, babies were fine, I was exhausted, end of story. But since then, I felt bad for 'behaving' that way at the hospital.

Tonight, during a discussion, he recalled that time, and told me that he was sorry for being such a dick. That he should have understood that I was anxious about my young babies, and that he was lucky I stayed with him not just in A&E but in general after the fact.

What's the verdict? Should I have LTB? Did he need to apologise or did I? Were we both in the wrong? One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.

sorry the backstory is relevant as op is making plans to leave partner obviously has caught wind of this so backtracking trying to make it look like hes ever so sorry for somethng that happened ages ago so she doesnt go

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong here. If you want to leave him, you don't need to justify it beyond 'because that's what you want to do'. Stop overthinking everything and just make a plan to go - good luck OP

He was scared and it caused him to act like a twaqt. You were worried about him and about your kids, and that probably came through a bit.

You were justified in having those worries;
Him behaving like a twat under the circumstances is understandable.

It's not really a case of right and wrong to my mind, just a shit and tense situation that happens in life and marriage sometimes.

It's good that you're both able to be reflective enough to apologise for your "bad".

I think LTB would have been a huge over reaction given that you have kids together.

He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay
Why werent you talking to his DM direct?

@TheBells

So I have posted about DH under a couple of different usernames in the past. Every time, I've had a unanimous 'LTB'.

I was having therapy up until recently and it became apparent that 'D'H is emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. I am now working on a plan to leave him. I think he might have picked up on this, which is why he's apologising for such minor infractions. He is currently being just as loving as when we first met. It's very disorienting.

I started this thread under a new username, genuinely because I wanted an unbiased answer. At the moment, my head is Swiss cheese. I'm struggling to figure out what is normal human behaviour and what is abusive. It seems that this incident falls under 'human nature', and I'm genuinely relieved about that. Because honestly, I've been feeling every day like I'm failing my children for not realising what was going on sooner and making a run for it. At least there are some things I can say I did right.

We all love a good drip feed...

Right - in the light of this definitely get your ducks in a row and LTB.

Too little too late his apology now in light of what has gone on.

I was having therapy up until recently and it became apparent that 'D'H is emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. I am now working on a plan to leave him. I think he might have picked up on this, which is why he's apologising for such minor infractions. He is currently being just as loving as when we first met. It's very disorienting.

Don't let it be disorienting. You've worked out exactly what he's doing and you've called it.

This 'apology' is interesting, isn't it? Because it tells you that actually, he knows the difference between right and wrong, abuse and non-abuse, support and steamrollering. He knows, and he knew then, that what he did that night was steamroller you not only into putting him first, before your tiny babies, but also into putting them into a slightly unsafe situation. He knew.

I would let that sink in and let it inform and strengthen your intention to leave. He's a horrible man. You know this.

He's beginning to clutch at straws, he senses you are done. This isn't an apology because he feels bad, or guilt. It's an apology for himself. To hopefully help save his skin. To make you think 'Oh he's changed! He's nicer. He's learned.'

No. It just tells you - because you didn't bring it up, you didn't explain to him - it tells you that all along, he knew that he was doing something unreasonable and nasty.

Keep on with your plans and don't let this behaviour get under your skin. Remember, what he is showing you is that he's known exactly what he's been like, and he didn't give one shit, until it looked as if it would backfire on him.

I really hope you leave him high and dry.

I think this incident in and of itself is small.

What sticks out to me is he went on and on about it for months afterwards, presumably about your perceived transgression in not being present enough for him.

Of course that's not ok. He's only apologising now as he's got wind you are fed up of his abusive ways and are planning an 'out', you probably look happier than normal.

This apology in and of itself is irrelevant as he's been banging on about the topic for months when you are tired, exhausted and have twins, and now he's decided to change tack, nothing to do with his perception suddenly changing of the incident, but because he's frightened you will leave him, which he should be because everything else you have said makes him sound a shit.

Ok the hospital incident - he didn’t really have anything to apologise for.
He was scared and in pain, he wanted his wife there as comfort (completely understandable) but you were annoying and anxious which he was picking up on. Not necessarily your fault - you were trying to distract him, it just didn’t go down well.

I don’t think any apology was needed for that night.
In normal circumstances, an apology all those years later would be a nice surprise.

Your massive drip feed however makes all that irrelevant.

Op,with all due respect,if you're happy to let things lie,why start a thread about it?
It's over a year ago,nothing happened,he has apologised,I don't understand what you want here,sorry.

Genuine query....did you consider him emotionally and financially abusive before you had therapy or is that what the therapist said??? Seems to me this comes up quite often but actually both partners behaviours could be labelled abusive at some point - I'm sure we all have our moments with our other half. But it seems "trendy" to label people (mostly Men) this way? But I imagine on MN it's because most posters are women and tend to not look at their own behaviours in a relationship too nor admit it to strangers?

It could be considered emotionally abusive to keep dredging this up a year after the incident?

Worrying about this now is madness. I can’t work out if you have such an amazing relationship that such a small thing is in comparison a big deal, or if you have a shit relationship and you’re skirting over the big issues by picking on something tiny that is unlikely to cause a storm

@Ohdear2020

Worrying about this now is madness. I can’t work out if you have such an amazing relationship that such a small thing is in comparison a big deal, or if you have a shit relationship and you’re skirting over the big issues by picking on something tiny that is unlikely to cause a storm

If you read the OP’s posts, you’d know.

"Your massive drip feed however makes all that irrelevant."

I disagree, as I made it clear from the offset that I changed my name so as to get unbiased opinions. Had I posted under my normal username, I would have just had a chorus of LTB. A PP suggested that I added the details in order to get a LTB response, but I could easily have gotten that response based on historical posts of mine. The fact that he does things wrong doesn't mean everything he does is wrong, and I needed some perspective to fit things into the right category in my own head.

@ivfbeenbusy I really don't think you can call him abusive for bringing it up over a year later, surely?

I also need a bit of clarity about the faux-pas of me trying to distract him with games and idle chit chat. When I was in hospital for pre-eclampsia, DH downloaded games to sit and play with me while I was scared. I genuinely believed I was returning the kindness. I'm getting the impression that it would have been better for me to sit in silence and occasionally check if he's still in pain.

Perhaps I could have called MIL myself. But I know that if I was waiting around in A&E while my young babies were with my DM, I'd call her occasionally to check without needing prompting. I didn't badger him. He was angry that I wanted to check at all, not that I wanted to check repeatedly.

@TheBells

"Your massive drip feed however makes all that irrelevant."

I disagree, as I made it clear from the offset that I changed my name so as to get unbiased opinions. Had I posted under my normal username, I would have just had a chorus of LTB. A PP suggested that I added the details in order to get a LTB response, but I could easily have gotten that response based on historical posts of mine. The fact that he does things wrong doesn't mean everything he does is wrong, and I needed some perspective to fit things into the right category in my own head.

@ivfbeenbusy I really don't think you can call him abusive for bringing it up over a year later, surely?

You did do a massive drip feed.

Whatever you decide to do (I've worked with family law cases but not a lawyer) I think your marriage is more or less over.

Entirely up to you if you keep stringing it out, deciding whether or not to accept his apology now (and any past ones) or not.

@KarmaStar

Op,with all due respect,if you're happy to let things lie,why start a thread about it? It's over a year ago,nothing happened,he has apologised,I don't understand what you want here,sorry.

Quite.

Why drag this up a year later? makes no sense to me.

Having said this - so you'd like opinions on his apology now.

OK - he was at the hospital concerned and in pain - yes he shouldn't have been grumpy but he was in pain.

Why couldn't you have checked in with his mother rather than him to check on your twins? my ex-H allowed me to text my MIL when we were married.

I think it's good he apologised in the light of this even though a few years later and I don't think you necessarily need to apologise.

But as said before, your marriage is a shit storm and if you want to leave then you definitely should.

I've also done therapy (with marriage/without etc). Sometimes it's best to walk away.

It seems pretty obvious why she’s ‘bringing this up now’? Because he’s apologised for it now, a year later, and she wants to know whether that’s because he’s genuinely sorry or because he’s worked out she’s on the verge of leaving him.

Given that he’s been abusive in other situations, and what he did here wasn’t just snap at her while he was in pain but go on at her about it for months afterwards, I’d put money on option B.

@GoldenOmber

It seems pretty obvious why she’s ‘bringing this up now’? Because he’s apologised for it now, a year later, and she wants to know whether that’s because he’s genuinely sorry or because he’s worked out she’s on the verge of leaving him.

Given that he’s been abusive in other situations, and what he did here wasn’t just snap at her while he was in pain but go on at her about it for months afterwards, I’d put money on option B.

He is probably genuinely sorry now he's worked out she's on the brink of leaving him.

So no, I wouldn't accept the apology but yes she was being a bit out of order when she was at the hospital with him. I don't think her being out of order then though negates all his other behaviour which she's had therapy for. Obvs OP can clarify this again if she'd like to...

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, he was grumpy as ill, but he was also rude saying you had a face like a slapped arse - you were worried abut him and the twins. You tried being cheery and did your best. He did owe you an apology. A yr is a bit late, but he at least has. I would accept it and just say you were only trying your best in difficult circumstances and he was ill so its all best just treated as done and dusted now.

@bruffin

He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay Why werent you talking to his DM direct?

That’s what I like to know although I did realized it is possible he was already on the phone with his mother. but it doesn’t matter now.

OP, after seeing some of your backstory, I also think he trying to figure out what he did wrong and the only thing he could up with is that he felt you were bitter how he treated you that day. Obviously he doesn’t think he did anything else.

Is dh in counselling?

Are you second guessing your plan for leaving? I'd talk to your counsellor and womans aid

@ivfbeenbusy

Genuine query....did you consider him emotionally and financially abusive before you had therapy or is that what the therapist said??? Seems to me this comes up quite often but actually both partners behaviours could be labelled abusive at some point - I'm sure we all have our moments with our other half. But it seems "trendy" to label people (mostly Men) this way? But I imagine on MN it's because most posters are women and tend to not look at their own behaviours in a relationship too nor admit it to strangers?

It could be considered emotionally abusive to keep dredging this up a year after the incident?

@ivfbeenbusy OP didn’t dredge anything up.... the husband did. Try to read properly. And it sounds like you’re projecting.

Apologies, I’ve just read the rest of your posts and understand why you wanted to get an opinion on this one circumstance. Abuse messes with your head and completely destroys your ability to see what is normal human behaviour and what is abusive. This is normal human behaviour but obviously if you concentrate on the wood and not the trees you need to leave. Good luck op.