DH just apologised

[TheBells]

For something that happened over a year ago. The apology came up during a discussion which brought back memories of 'the incident', and honestly, for the entire time from then until today I've been wondering whether or not I was just being too sensitive. Tonight, he told me that he was entirely in the wrong. I'm interested to know who the MN jury would deem as guilty in this case. (Name changed to avoid any bias).

So around December 2018 DH had severe stomach pain, called 111 and was advised to go to A&E. He was anxious, and asked if I would go with him. We have twins, who at the time were five and a bit months old. Normally I wouldn't mention my twins for fear of being called a troll but I believe it's relevant in this context. MIL had been staying with us for Christmas. DH asked me to come with him to the hospital and leave DTs with MIL. Now she's not the worst person in the world, but she is on many medications and prone to epileptic seizures. Despite this, for some crazy reason, I decided to answer DH's plea for help and left sleeping DTs with her. It was quite late at night so I hoped they would just sleep through, and in fairness, they did.

DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things. Yet, he said I had a face like a slapped arse. He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay. He told me he wished he never asked me to come, because I'd been so anxious the whole time and not focused on him as much as he would have wanted. After being diagnosed with kidney stones, I drove him back home in the early hours, babies were fine, I was exhausted, end of story. But since then, I felt bad for 'behaving' that way at the hospital.

Tonight, during a discussion, he recalled that time, and told me that he was sorry for being such a dick. That he should have understood that I was anxious about my young babies, and that he was lucky I stayed with him not just in A&E but in general after the fact.

What's the verdict? Should I have LTB? Did he need to apologise or did I? Were we both in the wrong? One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.

Even small kidney stones bloody hurt, I get a lot of them frequently, I've had operations to remove, I've had lithotripsy and I've had them pass on their own. I would be grumpy too.

LTB because your DH was pissy with you when he had some health issues going on? And has since apologised! I'm surprised anyone on mumsnet has a complete family unit with the amount of LTBs I see going around for what I consider the most minor of infringements. Marriage is about perseverance. I understand if your DH is an abusive, nasty idiot but don't "cancel" him for a bad mood!

It's nice that he apologised now he's feeling fine, but he was in pain! Im not surprised he was grumpy and sour.
Neither of you were in the wrong.

Jesus people RTFT!!!!! Why are people so incapable of doing this and then post such nasty comments?

OP I’d move this to relationships, people are horrible on here (oh sorry “straight talking” ) and looks like most haven’t bothered to read your updated posts with the full context.

I totally understand why you posted as you did and why this incident is confusing you. He is definitely just trying to be sweetness because he senses you pulling away. Please be careful and know that you need to leave this relationship. I hope you’re ok and not too upset by all these unkind messages, they don’t know the real situation.

@Franticbutterfly

LTB because your DH was pissy with you when he had some health issues going on? And has since apologised! I'm surprised anyone on mumsnet has a complete family unit with the amount of LTBs I see going around for what I consider the most minor of infringements. Marriage is about perseverance. I understand if your DH is an abusive, nasty idiot but don't "cancel" him for a bad mood!

Read the thread. At least read the OP’s posts. He IS a nasty, abusive idiot.

@TheBells

I was on your husband's side entirely right up to the bit where you said he "went on about it for months afterwards". Can you clarify that? Are you saying he went on and on about you irritating him at the hospital for months after the fact?

If so, he's the cunt, apology or no apology.

Your twins won’t remember the incident, nor will they have been damaged by the experience. On the other hand, your DH appreciates the fact that you were there for him and he will remember that. Therefore I think your decision at the time was the right one.

Its really easy to read ALL the OP's posts now.

Some of you should do that.

Good luck OP. Hope you get away soon and safely

I'm in a similar situation and have had similar apologies. Be careful, he knows you are thinking of leaving.

I would recommend reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get free pdf copy online. Another MNetter suggested it to me. Especially the bit about emotional trauma bonding. It really helps you make sense of the feelings.

Take care.

So you dh was in a lot of pain and you decide the best thing to do is play games and get him to check on his dm... All whilst he is in a lot of pain and is scared of what the pain might be.

Well that's one hell of a drip feed! What a pointless thread. You are going to get loads of meaningless replies from people who have only read the first post, or first page, and haven't read all your updates.

FWIW, ignoring the backstory, it was understandable and forgivable for him to be irritable with you while he was in pain and waiting in A&E, presumably feeling a bit anxious and impatient to be seen. Having said that, you weren't unreasonable to be anxious about your babies and want to check on them (although I'm not sure why you couldn't contact MIL directly rather than asking him to?) and you meant well when you were trying to distract him. Even if he was irritable at the time, the next day he should have been calmer, appreciative of your support and apologetic about his responses. The unreasonable bit is the fact that he didn't apologise and he continued to blame you, using it as a stick to beat you with for a long time afterwards. That's the abusive behaviour and it fits with the overall pattern.

I'm very glad you've been having counselling and you intend to leave him. Have you read Lundy Bancroft?

@IEat

So you dh was in a lot of pain and you decide the best thing to do is play games and get him to check on his dm... All whilst he is in a lot of pain and is scared of what the pain might be.

@IEat

RTFT

OP,
You feel he is trying to rope you in because he senses after years of every type of a use that you have had enough.

Stick to your plan.

He has shown you who he is, he is not someone to be trusted.

Good luck getting out

So I accept there is a back story and you are clearly receiving advice and support for other abuse. This phrase however stood out for me DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things.

See without your other posts OP, I would honestly be asking what the jeff you thought you were doing trying to engage someone with kidney stones in playing silly phone games? You don’t come across at all well in this scenario, at least in the way you have told it.

So I’m interested in why you thought it was a good idea? Is it part of the walking on eggshells around a frequently grumpy husband, that somehow you have taken on responsibility for his emotions?

In this particular scenario, he was probably entitled to be beyond grumpy and to focus on his needs, and in a normal relationship you would possibly shrug it off. Even so, you didn’t cause the pain and had taken him to A&E to help him get treatment, you aren’t responsible for him being a grumpy dick.

You are never responsible for him being a grumpy dick.

He was right to apologise for his behaviour that night.

BUT.... later you say He went on about it for months afterwards

That's not on. At all. No excuse for that whatsoever under the circumstances.

I expect you're doing the right thing getting ready to go safely.

Kidney stones are one of the worst of all pains. Your anxiety over the twins who were sleeping perfectly happy, with you mil there, is totally irrational and would have hacked me off if I was in kidney pain.
I think he has nothing to apologise for at all. If anything it's you that does.

@Oblomov20

Kidney stones are one of the worst of all pains. Your anxiety over the twins who were sleeping perfectly happy, with you mil there, is totally irrational and would have hacked me off if I was in kidney pain. I think he has nothing to apologise for at all. If anything it's you that does.

Ever thought of RTFT? Or the OP's posts? Or some of the more recent ones?

@GoldenOmber

And not just on the night. He went on about it for months afterwards.

That makes a massive difference. I think most people would cut him a bit of slack for being snappy when he was in a lot of pain, but going on at you for months afterwards is really far beyond reasonable.

I came on to say the same thing. Most people who were snappy when they were in pain would calm down a bit once they were feeling better, realise they were a bit of a grumpy sod due to the pain and either apologise or leave it there. The fact he still felt hard done by and was going on about it months later is much more of a red flag.

@Oblomov20

Kidney stones are one of the worst of all pains. Your anxiety over the twins who were sleeping perfectly happy, with you mil there, is totally irrational and would have hacked me off if I was in kidney pain. I think he has nothing to apologise for at all. If anything it's you that does.

@Oblomov20

RTFT

I don't think either of you did anything terrible. Maybe he didn't feel safe driving and wanted support, maybe at the hospital he was grumpy because he was frightened and in pain (don't know if he's had much illness in the past but it can work either way - people who've had alot of serious illness might be anxious it is happening again and people who've never been ill might think it is more serious than it is.)

You tried to help him pass the time but he found it irritating.

I think you are right to move on, if it is the worst thing that ever happens in your marriage I think you are doing OK.

It is really really easy to read the OP’s posts these days. I do not know why so many people can’t be bothered to at least skim through them before piling in to give the OP a good talking to.

I have twins and even they were about 4 dh apologised for working long hours and not being there to help as much as he should/could have. I’ve no idea what prompted it and he actually used to help through the nights etc so wasn’t totally absent at all but I know he was nervous to look after all three dc alone (toddler and newborns). I appreciate his realisation that it was hard work in.

She asked for advice on a specific incident so I don't think it is unreasonable if that is what she got. The other issues aren't really anything to do with the question and she is obviously making her own plans to deal with that.

@ancientgran

She asked for advice on a specific incident so I don't think it is unreasonable if that is what she got. The other issues aren't really anything to do with the question and she is obviously making her own plans to deal with that.

They're pretty relevant though, now.

It’s incredible you think you’re owed an apology. How was playing on your phone and fretting going to help.