DH just apologised

[TheBells]

For something that happened over a year ago. The apology came up during a discussion which brought back memories of 'the incident', and honestly, for the entire time from then until today I've been wondering whether or not I was just being too sensitive. Tonight, he told me that he was entirely in the wrong. I'm interested to know who the MN jury would deem as guilty in this case. (Name changed to avoid any bias).

So around December 2018 DH had severe stomach pain, called 111 and was advised to go to A&E. He was anxious, and asked if I would go with him. We have twins, who at the time were five and a bit months old. Normally I wouldn't mention my twins for fear of being called a troll but I believe it's relevant in this context. MIL had been staying with us for Christmas. DH asked me to come with him to the hospital and leave DTs with MIL. Now she's not the worst person in the world, but she is on many medications and prone to epileptic seizures. Despite this, for some crazy reason, I decided to answer DH's plea for help and left sleeping DTs with her. It was quite late at night so I hoped they would just sleep through, and in fairness, they did.

DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things. Yet, he said I had a face like a slapped arse. He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay. He told me he wished he never asked me to come, because I'd been so anxious the whole time and not focused on him as much as he would have wanted. After being diagnosed with kidney stones, I drove him back home in the early hours, babies were fine, I was exhausted, end of story. But since then, I felt bad for 'behaving' that way at the hospital.

Tonight, during a discussion, he recalled that time, and told me that he was sorry for being such a dick. That he should have understood that I was anxious about my young babies, and that he was lucky I stayed with him not just in A&E but in general after the fact.

What's the verdict? Should I have LTB? Did he need to apologise or did I? Were we both in the wrong? One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.

I think it's a non issue now. Neither of you were out of order at the time, he was unwell and you were rightly concerned about your young babies and of course, him. I'm amazed it's taken so long for him to apologise though. I guess that's the issue; that you thought you were out of order for a whole year (you weren't) , when all along he thought he was. I think you both need to learn to communicate better.

The only concern I would have is if he has form for being needy and thinking you don't pay him enough attention. But sounds like in this instance he was in a lot of pain so it was maybe out of character for him to say such things.

Why were you hiding the back story?

There's been a lot of drip feeding and strange emphasis (not sure how else to describe it), you emphasise in one post that he wasn't in much pain and minimise it and then in a subsequent post you say that you're not questioning how much pain he was in.

If I'd have been in that position, I'd have gone with him. You don't say how often MIL has seizures but having epilepsy doesn't rule out looking after sleeping children. DH would possibly also been a grumpy arse (because that's how he deals with any difficult emotion), but I'd have let it go under the circumstances. If he'd apologised a year later I'd have accepted the apology (probably after wracking my brains to remember what he was on about).

I'm not sure that I understand a) the reason for the post and b) all the strange secrecy. It feels like there is still an undercurrent or something else which might provide more context but I've read all your posts and I can't see it. Unless it's that you are so anxious that you are overthinking things.

This is the bit I'm most focused on. Had I been the one with abdo pain I would have gone alone
If you go by the number of posts complaining that their OH wouldn't even go with them to a routine appointments, I'd say you are the exception.

It clearly comes down to him getting annoyed at your level of anxiety when your baby were asleep with your mum at the end of aphone call. It does sound quite disproportionate. His annoyance was likely you adding stress on him when he was trying to cope with pain.

By the sounds of it he gaslighted the shot out of you snd allowed that to sit for a year.

Does he gaslight you over other things?

In light of your follow up posts, I think he may realise you’re planning to leave, or at least pulling away, and this is a last ditch attempt to pull you back in. Call me cynical, but it’s very common for abusive men to be extra nice and apologetic when they realise the woman is planning on leaving. Please don’t fall for it. Carry on with your plan to leave and don’t let anything he says stop you. He will try anything to get you to stay. An apology, a year later, when he most likely feels you pulling away, is just not genuine.

Not to scare you, but please be extra careful from now on as leaving an abusive husband is very dangerous for women. If he knows your plan, and realises his attempts aren’t working, this could escalate very quickly. Stay safe.

Now I know the back story he's just trying to sweeten you up. It happened in 2018 were in 2020 wtf took him so long to apologise for his wrong behaviour. I'd left his ass at the hospital.

I hope you managed to get away from him ASAP.

He went in about it for months afterwards?

OP I suggest you get this moved to Relationships - AIBU is THE place to be to convince you that you’re being too sensitive etc when actually there’s something more going on (I’m not saying there is but I’m recognising this behaviour and am wondering about the wider picture)

Oh...you’re planning on leaving? And NOW he think is if this ‘incident’ that went on for fucking months and decides to apologise...red flags going up

Sorry, OP - for some reason the first time around on ‘go to posts’ I missed your last three messages, which gives a MUCH wider picture.

I hope you’re safe? And have managed to squirrel money away?

Here we go again! One example of a man supposedly abusive when if the roles were reversed, the response would have been that he was a selfish uncaring ass, but in this scenario, he is abusive.

Maybe he is desperately hanging on not because of OP but because he fears the situation of not being able to see his kids every day any longer.

"He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay"

Why couldn't you contact MIL to ask?

And no thisbinident does NOT fall under human nature: and here’s why.

He expected you to leave your babies with someone with epilepsy and expected you to not be worried about it because he was in pain. He’s a fucking arsehole (when you add in the other pieces)

I was willing to give him a pass if it had been a one off as people do occasionally act very unreasonably, but add in the months of shit about it afterwards and the financial abuse etc and this behaviour was clearly a pattern (which is why I suggested relationships - because it’s the pattern that do often people living beneath the shadow of it miss, I know I did).

If during labour he was asking you to check in with your mother as to how the DRs were, would you have been happy? You know in real pain and have to stop to text?

Why wouldn't you just message her yourself?

I was surprised to read all the "no this is fine" comments above TBH.

Okay, he was in pain. Yes its awful when that happens, we've all been there. But instead of being an adult, he wanted you to play at being his mummy and pay all your attention just to him in a loving smiley way, without thinking about your tiny children at home - what the hell? You having to ask him to check up on them was a flag too.

And he moaned at you afterwards and made a big deal of it. What a wanker.

Glad to hear you're getting yourself together, and given your update about him "going on about it for months" plus all the rest... Yes. LTB.

Kidney stone pain is horrific.

Free pass for him.

I have been in this situation when DD was a similar age and DH was throwing up blood at 3am
As I called an ambulance I also called both sets of parents. Mine arrived before the ambulance left and my Dad went with him in the ambulance. I stayed with DD and my mum ( at that point no one knew what it was and he might need an operation). His Dad later went to the hospital.

I did feel awful for not going with him but when I told him (he was fine years later we still don’t know what caused it) and I made the right choice. Our priority was our ebf baby and he was in the care of health professionals

Two things strike me here - one is his focus throughout was himself never his children. Second he senses you pulling away and this is a way to further emotional abuse you

@TheBells
This is a complete non issue? Why are you still talking about it or even considering leaving? Is this a real relationship or one of the ones that primary school children have? This must be light hearted/a troll as no grown adult can really think like this!

Being an arse whilst in pain- normal
Going on for months about your failing to sufficently care for him in a+e- abusive

Interestingly if you require an ambulance in France only the patient is allowed ( not including children) to go in it.
My df had to follow her very sick husband in the car and was stopped by the gendarmes and breathalised as 'all English people' drink.

Just read your drip feeds. Hope you’re ok and can get away.

I haven’t read any of the alleged backstory because given you’ve name changed I think it’s fair to say that this is likely a one-off incident and the backstory has only emerged when people didn’t unanimously tell you to LTB.

If you were a woman posting that you’d gone to hospital a year ago and that your DH kept going on at you while you were there and then got annoyed when you snapped but was still wining on about it a year later people would tell you that he was the abusive one and you should probably be rethinking your relationship as this probably wasn’t a one off.

I think as this was a one off you need to grow up.

I think people are interpretting your story as him snapping at you in the hospital and you dwelling on it for months afterwards. I also think this would be understandable. However, its more the case that he snapped at you in hospital and then went on about it for months and months afterwards - thats the unreasonable bit.
Plus, I also think its interesting that in all the unpleasant things you say he's done, THIS is the thing he has decided to "own up to" and apologise for. I suspect this is precisely because it isn't as bad as the rest (particularly if he only apologised for snapping at you in hospital) so he isnt admitting to something that is a definate LTB but he gets brownie points for apologising, it has you wondering if he isn't so bad/if he is changing/demonstrating introspection and remorse. You then go of into a bit of a tailspin and start questioning your perception of everything else - and its working!!! You are on here trying to make sense of it.
And in case you are thinking it isnt possible to be that manipulative - consider the fact that he knew you werent in the wrong in the hospital but was still happy to make you believe you were for months before admitting later that he was wrong all along...

He was in pain and grumpy, you were anxious and grumpy, no one in the wrong, positive that he recognises he asked a lot of you and apologised for his reaction at the time. HOWEVER the context is key, he's only apologising as an emotional manipulation because he's picked up something is changing and it might not be what he wants

@Aquamarine1029

This happened over a year ago. He was stressed, you were stressed, and everything ended up just fine. Why are either of you still giving this nonevent any headspace? How childish.

Totally agree. I hope you apologised to him too- he was in pain