DH just apologised

[TheBells]

For something that happened over a year ago. The apology came up during a discussion which brought back memories of 'the incident', and honestly, for the entire time from then until today I've been wondering whether or not I was just being too sensitive. Tonight, he told me that he was entirely in the wrong. I'm interested to know who the MN jury would deem as guilty in this case. (Name changed to avoid any bias).

So around December 2018 DH had severe stomach pain, called 111 and was advised to go to A&E. He was anxious, and asked if I would go with him. We have twins, who at the time were five and a bit months old. Normally I wouldn't mention my twins for fear of being called a troll but I believe it's relevant in this context. MIL had been staying with us for Christmas. DH asked me to come with him to the hospital and leave DTs with MIL. Now she's not the worst person in the world, but she is on many medications and prone to epileptic seizures. Despite this, for some crazy reason, I decided to answer DH's plea for help and left sleeping DTs with her. It was quite late at night so I hoped they would just sleep through, and in fairness, they did.

DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things. Yet, he said I had a face like a slapped arse. He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay. He told me he wished he never asked me to come, because I'd been so anxious the whole time and not focused on him as much as he would have wanted. After being diagnosed with kidney stones, I drove him back home in the early hours, babies were fine, I was exhausted, end of story. But since then, I felt bad for 'behaving' that way at the hospital.

Tonight, during a discussion, he recalled that time, and told me that he was sorry for being such a dick. That he should have understood that I was anxious about my young babies, and that he was lucky I stayed with him not just in A&E but in general after the fact.

What's the verdict? Should I have LTB? Did he need to apologise or did I? Were we both in the wrong? One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.

Yes cross post.

Based on your new post it seems to be part of more concerning behaviour. I wouldn’t even give the apology any headspace unless he is going to address his abusive behaviours.

I'm no longer going to draw attention to his abusive behaviours, because normally that results in more abuse. Or alternatively, he would find a way to promise me that it would never happen again and tell me to stay. The atmosphere is now no longer suitable for young children to be in, and I've made up my mind. Sometimes it's difficult, and I falter, wondering if I'm blowing things out of proportion. Hence this post. I need to know when I have been justified and when I could have done better myself. If that makes any sense

This situation is definitely for me not abusive. I undertone you would have been very torn and I would not have been ok to leave my dd at that age. My thought was you were unfair to expect him to contact his mother about your twins when he was in pain. In that position, I would have called / texted her. But I get you were both anxious for different reasons. As for what could have happened to your dts, I know they could have been taken illL there’s always a risk, however, I imagine, normally you’d all be fast asleep. Therefore you perhaps could have ensured you were home in time for them waking or shortly after even if it meant leaving your dh for a certain amount of time. It’s difficult to think straight in these situations, I get that. Hindsight always works out far better than reality.

@Mummyoflittledragon I agree. I never lumped it in with the abusive behaviours. And I genuinely have forgiven him for that. To be honest, it melted my heart when he apologised tonight. But that is exactly what I'm being warned against at the moment, by family mostly but I have also been liaising with my GP and Women's Aid.

A lot of the times during my therapy, I would say that DH did/said (insert action here), I would tell her that I found it hurtful but that I wasn't holding it against him because he's been suffering from PTSD and depression. After a while, my therapist had to explain to me that I can't make excuses for every damaging thing he does, and that he has to take responsibility for his own actions. That took a long time to get through to me, and I feel a lot better now knowing what is and isn't acceptable. But yes, someone being grumpy when they're in pain isn't a LTB offence in my opinion. I just wanted to gauge if I was minimising things.

Stick firm, 1 apology isn’t enough unless his behaviour changes.

You perhaps had harsher responses from some poster( myself included ) as your initial post didn’t have all relevant information.

@Oncemorewithfeelin thank you. Not to worry though because I deliberately didn't give full context at the beginning. So the responses weren't technically harsh, given that I was hiding the backstory

@Goosefoot

He was right to apologise. But I'd forgive someone with kidney stones for being an arse even if he didn't apologize. That kind of pain is horribly distracting and agitating and kidney problems also in themselves can lead to unclear thinking.

That entirely.

And not just on the night. He went on about it for months afterwards.

That makes a massive difference. I think most people would cut him a bit of slack for being snappy when he was in a lot of pain, but going on at you for months afterwards is really far beyond reasonable.

Think about women in labour. They say all sorts of things to the partner they love because it hurts! Pain is often met with anger (especially when you stub your toe...)

@Aquamarine1029

This happened over a year ago. He was stressed, you were stressed, and everything ended up just fine. Why are either of you still giving this nonevent any headspace? How childish.

How judgemental and rude...

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Be kind to people.

Kidney stone is painful and I would never ask anyone to check on someone if they are in pain though.

it's in the past and everyone is fine.

@TheBells

So I have posted about DH under a couple of different usernames in the past. Every time, I've had a unanimous 'LTB'.

I was having therapy up until recently and it became apparent that 'D'H is emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. I am now working on a plan to leave him. I think he might have picked up on this, which is why he's apologising for such minor infractions. He is currently being just as loving as when we first met. It's very disorienting.

I started this thread under a new username, genuinely because I wanted an unbiased answer. At the moment, my head is Swiss cheese. I'm struggling to figure out what is normal human behaviour and what is abusive. It seems that this incident falls under 'human nature', and I'm genuinely relieved about that. Because honestly, I've been feeling every day like I'm failing my children for not realising what was going on sooner and making a run for it. At least there are some things I can say I did right.

I just seen this! My goodness, I'm so sorry! I'm glad you realised how much you are worth in the end. You and your babies deserve so much better. Xxx

Trustworthy MIL with well managed epilepsy who is unlikely to have a seizure would make his request far more reasonable than if MIL has poorly managed epilepsy and/or regular seizures. If the latter than its a safety issues and would mean that MIL may not be a suitable person to have left the babies with should something have happened. In that situation I would have stayed home and sent DH off with MIL but from your updates I can see this has been so hard for you and why it would have been difficult at the time to.

If I was in a lot of pain in A & E and my partner kept asking me to call my mum and check in on the kids instead of doing it themselves I would have gotten snippy too, OP. The person who is suffering should not be the one expected to do anything but rest.

*should not be expected to do anything but rest

Just read the back story - whilst my opinion about this particular scenario hasn't changed I'm glad you're making moves to keep yourself safe x

The going on for months afterwards is the problem here, not the one off Incident. So when he realised because it was someone else not you and he could see how that other person needed to look after their babies, it’s great it made him realise he was unreasonable but honestly I’d be petty and ask so is he going to make it up to me for the same number of months he held it over me...

I fear the most likely explanation is that he’s somehow caught wind that you’re planning to leave, or he can feel that you’re distancing yourself. I understand the heart melting all too well, but if things were so bad you’ve sought help from external agencies, then please don’t let this moment sway you. An apology is easy, changing isn’t.

How pathetic he was, you should have been at home with your babies and his mother go with him if he truly needed someone. Leaving very young twins with an elderly epileptic is not the safest course of action when there was no actual reason.
Least he has finally apologised, but I would imagine it’s not the only example of selfishness on his part if you are honest with yourself.

Your DH comes off very positively indeed.

Jesus LTB because he was a bit grumpy whilst in hospital???? For kidney stones ive heard it's on a similar pain level to giving birth. So sorry YABU in this scenario and more than a little selfish and self absorbed.

Why couldn't you have checked in with your MIL?

He's apologised so move on

He was right to apologise, but it’s understandable why he was being an arse in the circumstances.

FWIW I think you were very good to your husband to put your own feelings aside, leave your precious babies and be there for him. I don’t think I would have but it shows you value your husband and marriage. As does him apologising really. Sounds like you have a good relationship, perhaps for once in MN he’s a keeper.

I wouldn't have gone with him to the hospital in the first place. I'd have stayed at home with my babies.

How I wish I could have a life where the biggest dilemma that I faced was pondering a slightly arsey response a year ago from someone in severe pain. Op I am jealous! Forgive, forget, move on. This is the tiniest issue I've seen debated on here.

I'm not sure anyone was 'wrong'. He was in a lot of pain and probably more irritable than usual, and you were worried about your baby twins. It was just a bad situation.