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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at my parents

122 replies

Honeyandapple · 27/10/2020 21:12

First day back at work tomorrow after maternity leave so I am already nervous about that.

My parents are stepping in as childcare providers for my two DC, the baby is 8months. We have a childminder but she is vulnerable so can't work at the moment.

My parents announced today they are taking my 2 to a 'site of interest' where there are some nice gardens and some things for kids to do. There's a dino trail or something too. They have invited their friends, also grandparents who will bring their 2 grandkids (older than both of mine by a few years).
I'm feeling annoyed because I wanted their focus to be on the baby, their first time looking after her and it's her first time away from me / DH. I can see my DM getting caught up chatting and engaging with friend and not realising baby needs something (she's not a cryer). Additionally it will be 8 people and only 6 are allowed to meet, even outdoors!

OP posts:
PinkSpring · 27/10/2020 23:00

@saraclara - My parents look after my child one day a week, they begged to - I would rather have used a nursery to be honest.

I have certain rules and I expect them to respect my wishes. If they don't, then I have no issue using a nursery.

It's not that I don't trust them, it's that if I let them have their way it would be endless sweets, chocolate, TV, etc

Original poster
Honeyandapple · 27/10/2020 23:00

YABVU and ungrateful.
If you don’t like what they do (for free) for you, pay a nursery

Well I would! This is a temporary measure until something suitable is sorted out.
It was supposed to be our childminder but she is now vulnerable. It would be easier in many ways.
Good nurseries have waiting lists.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 27/10/2020 23:01

Anyone else would be packing them a picnic.

Cloudtraffic · 27/10/2020 23:04

your

Poppingnostopping · 27/10/2020 23:04

saraclara how is it casting aspersions on you as a grandparent, to ask if they usually take the kids out?! Perhaps they do, in which case, I'd let them crack on. Perhaps they don't, I wouldn't feel confident with an 8 month old and a toddler myself these days as I'm a bit out of practice having only teens, so I'd probably start with a day in to get the routine and perhaps a walk to the park so we could come back if there were issues, not set up a big meet with some friends and other kids.

Of course experience matters when you care for children, and not all grandparents are highly competent child-wranglers, I would personally start off a bit more gently and move up to the full on days out but perhaps I'm a bit cautious.

foodtoorder · 27/10/2020 23:04

The children will be occupied with things to do and see and others to interact with. Their day will wizz by.

You should give your parents more credit. You obv trust them to look after them so what does it matter where they are going?

I would be thrilled if the child care I had were thoughtful enough to take my bunch on a day out.

YABVU

Irisheyesrsmiling · 27/10/2020 23:06

This is a really hard lesson but free childcare doesn't work unless you are able to give up control and completely let the person doing the free childcare be in control. It's too much to ask of them otherwise. Depending on your relationship it would be a good idea to sit down and agree on things before they start, but honestly if they are watching 2 dc, one a very young baby, for free, they get to choose how they spend day, meals etc etc etc.

And yes, it's hard.

Original poster
Honeyandapple · 27/10/2020 23:07

ou seriously think that people like me don't know to organise car seats and pushchairs?

Beside the point really but they will not know how to organise the car seat and will need to be shown tomorrow. Same with the pram, they tried once before and couldn't get it fold or up with out my help. It's a buggaboo and they're not easy. I did a bottle demo the other day as they've not made formula before. There's loads to remember and it has been 30 years since I was a baby! Their only child. And the childminder I mention had DC1 prior to covid. So yes, FYI I do have worries they won't know how to do everything. Wouldn't that be normal.

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 27/10/2020 23:08

You sound ungrateful

Irisheyesrsmiling · 27/10/2020 23:09

(And I totally get it, I had to use my dp too when I was stuck, but this was a lesson learned the hard way!)

Cloudtraffic · 27/10/2020 23:11

This is not about “free childcare”, grandparents’ rights or fitting car seats or about how other generations had it - it’s about living through a pandemic and following the rules

seayork2020 · 27/10/2020 23:12

Apart from not allowing endless junk food, give bottle and keep to nap times what other or medical/allergy things why on earth does there need to be any rules?

having babies and looking after them is not a new thing?

Heyahun · 27/10/2020 23:16

The children would be mixing with loads of others if they went to a nursery (my nursery there are 49 children a day plus all the staff) so meeting Outdoors with 8 wouldn’t bother me

I think your probably just feeling anxious - if they can’t cope on the day out they’ll just end up heading home early and learn from the lesson.

They will all be fine I’m sure :)

Frannibananni · 27/10/2020 23:21

Yabu.

GroundAlmonds · 27/10/2020 23:22

Free childcare is like having someone pay your mortgage and utility bills for you. Yet MN is full of people who accept the valuable free help and then get “miffed” for the tiniest of reasons.

goldfinchfan · 27/10/2020 23:25

Maybe you OP are feeling left out?

The baby will be fine. Babies often get too much attention and will enjoy being part of a happy group.

Thesepretzelsaremakingmethirst · 27/10/2020 23:27

I would be a bit worried too OP. My ILs are a bit like this - they get carried away planning complicated trips and forget the basics. If yours are like mine they've never got the hang of prams and car seats, don't mind piling kids into the backs of cars, and don't think about food until they're hungry - which doesn't really work if you have a finicky baby... I take the DCs snacks with us when we go and stay with them as they can't think ahead more than 2 meals.

Your parents sound very well intentioned and are probably really looking forward to the outing, they're probably underestimating quite how much work it will be and will get a bit of a shock, but your DC will be fine. Can you spend a bit of time with them tomorrow showing them how the equipment works and then try and relax for a bit while you're working? Easier said than done i know!

Rosebel · 27/10/2020 23:33

Think for a moment. If you used a nursery your baby would be in contact with more than 7 other people (not sure what the ratio is for CM).
Your parents are being generous and planning a lovely day out. You are still here so your mum can't be that bad and where is your dad in all this?
Tbh if you don't trust them you shouldn't be using them for childcare but I think YABU. I also don't think it's about your parents. I think you are not looking forward to returning to work and naturally worried about your baby so are focusing on the negative.
Go to work and see what happens at the end of the day. I'm sure your children will be fine but you won't know until you try.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 27/10/2020 23:36

@category12

My DM is kind but is ditsy and easily distracted. Very sociable, always has commitments.

Well you survived her ministrations to adulthood, I'm sure she can manage. Hmm

@category12 Eh, so people can’t be bad parents if their children didn’t die in childhood?

Not saying they are OP, just this kind of argument is so odd Grin

I get what you mean but I’m not sure there’s any other option apart from trying to sort something else ASAP if you think they won’t give adequate care.

Rachie1973 · 27/10/2020 23:44

@PinkSpring

I wouldn't like this either and to be honest would be telling them you don't want them taking the children out for the day.....

They are your children and it's your rules that apply, not theirs.

Lol you’d be finding new childcare then.

If I look after my GC it’s on my terms.

Family1st2020 · 27/10/2020 23:50

Yabvu

BrummyMum1 · 28/10/2020 00:10

It sounds like the issue is that you haven’t done a proper handover or settling with them. You might think staying indoors will therefore be the best bet but actually going out and about is a better plan. The children will be occupied and your parents have their friends to help if needed.

Mintychoc1 · 28/10/2020 00:25

@saraclara

Have they taken the children out to the park before? or anywhere? It all sounds lovely on paper, but it's pretty tiring taking out an 8 month old and you need a lot of stuff

Have they got car seats /pushchair etc organised?

FFS. How patronising of you both. These people are grandparents. They brought up their own kids. You seriously think that people like me don't know to organise car seats and pushchairs? And don't know what it's like to bring up a baby and take it out somewhere?

Not to mention that the baby has an older sibling, and unless they're incredibly uninvolved GPs they'll already have been taking the first GC out

Actually these issues can be a concern. I only found out years later that my Mum couldn’t do the seatbelt of the baby seat so DS just sat in it without being strapped in properly. I’d shown her countless times, but baby car seats didn’t exist when I was a baby so she just couldn’t figure it out, nor did she see the importance.
Murmurur · 28/10/2020 00:33

Harsh crowd in tonight.

I think YANBU, OP. It's boring but they're in tier 2, they should not be socialising with anyone outside their own household and 8 is too many anyway. Caring is one thing but mixing 4 households just for the sake of socialising is against letter and spirit of the rules. It's reasonable to expect anyone looking after your child to avoid breaking the law while they're in their care IMO, irrespective of what mixing the children would do in a nursery.

Sure GPs can say "my house my rules", whatever, but it's surely not a lot to ask that they keep within the laws of the country for a few hours while the grandkids are around.

jacks11 · 28/10/2020 00:34

YABU

If you don’t trust your parents to be able to safely care for your children and make appropriate judgement re activities/paying attention/ providing care then you should not be leaving your children with them, whether it’s a once off, once a week or 9-5 Monday-Friday. The fact you are prepared to have ask them to provide free, regular childcare suggests that whilst (like most of us) they may not be perfect, they aren’t that bad either.

At the end off the day if you don’t like what they do, then find an alternative. It sounds like they are helping you out in a difficult situation where you can’t use your childminder and have not been able to find a suitable alternative. What would you have done if they had not agreed to help? If you are really unhappy then you need to use whatever your alternative plan was. If you don’t have one, I’d say you need to count your blessings and be a little more grateful.

In your parents shoes, if you tried to dictate what we did, when, for how long and with whom, as well as insinuating that we are too ditsy/foolish/stupid to safely care for your children (and you are being more than a little ridiculous regarding needing to “focus their attenion” on the baby- often babies are easier/more portable than active, mobile toddlers/pre-schoolers or even younger school aged children)then I’m afraid I’d tell you to get lost and find an alternative. I’d also be very hurt.

in short- if you don’t like whatr thety’ve suggested then find alternative care. if yiu feel you must, then speak to them about it (nicely, not in the tone here, or of some PP’s)- but ultimately if you don’t respect their ability to keep your children happy and safe then you would be utterly irresponsible to leave two young children in their care.

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