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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help needed pleas! my dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength since ha our ds

91 replies

lolaby · 14/10/2007 22:27

I feel that my husband and I will soon divorce because he loves our son too much and anything that happens to him is my fault.
I have been married for 7 years(married at 19) and my dh is the only man I have really been in relationship with.
Everything was fine until we had our first son a year and a half ago...He loves him soo much that when my son falls or vomit he tells me it is my fault as I overfed him. My son is very thin (but healthy!) and I am trying my best to cook for him and do anything I can so that he eats (even folows him while he plays so that he gets some food, sometimes takes more than an hour). He has been having a lot a vomiting problems but Dr said everything is fine. A few times I must admit, I overfed him. But tonight, I have not overfed him and he choked on a piece of corn and my husband accused me again of overfeeding him and sounded really pissed with me. I reacted back and shouted that he should stop blamimg me for whatever happens to our ds as I am trying my best. My Dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength and it even comes to the point where I will not tell him when my ds has fallen/vomited or anything else as I am scared to get the blame...dh said he cannot say anything to me anymore as I overreact but i am tired to always get criticised when i try my best(even the way I breastfed was wrong!!!!)
Has anyone experienced big problems in their relationship after their first child???

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 14/10/2007 22:30

Has anyone NOT experienced big problems in their relationship after their first child??

Can't give any specific advice but TBH if you haven't thought about Relate or other relationship guidance, maybe think about it now. You both clearly love your son and that's really good. Hope someone with better ideas comes along soon. Best wishes.

Lulumama · 14/10/2007 22:33

i think the majority of people have a huge shift in their relationships when the first baby arrives.

sounds like this feeding this is getting to you both.

some children are thin, that is they way they are made, and the way they are, and will be thinner adults too.

some children are far too busy explroing and running around to sit and eat 3 good meals a day & 2 healthy snacks.

as long as he is healthy, i would take a step back, and absolutely stop running around after him whilst he plays, with food.

toddlers eat if they are hungry. and if he thikns it is a big game, he will keep pushing oyu, and enjoying all the attention.

is he vomiting becasue he is choking?

is your DH bothered about your son's weight? if so, why is he concerned you are overfeeding?

give your son 3 meals, and if he doesn;t eat them, then take them away, and let him get down from teh table, don;t make it a huge battle ground.

and sit down and have a long talk with your DH, and get to the root of this, you might be at cross purposes, and need to talk, rather than him presuming you have done something wrong, and you presuming he is blaming you.

also, no harm in getting a second opinion re your sons; vomiting if it is a worry.

watling · 14/10/2007 22:39

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Lulumama · 14/10/2007 22:41

goddess, darling, goddess

i had the amazing non eating baby, who became the amazing non eating toddler... she can subsist for a week on milk, a bite of toast, a satsuma and some pasta !!

watling · 14/10/2007 22:45

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watling · 14/10/2007 22:45

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Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 22:46

thanks for your replies. It is true that this feeding problem is getting to us both. And I know that I should not keep following my son to make sure he eats but i do not always do that. It is just that unlike my dh if my son says no i try to distract him so he can eat more as my husband would not even try (otherwise he will NEVER eat!!). The main issue really is that he always blames me for anything: if he falls is because i did not look after him properly if he vomits is because i overfed him not because he choked and if i let him cry too long he would look at me as if i was the devil....
Evrytime I say to him if you are not happy do it yourself he mentions that he can't as he works full time (i work 3 d/week). I have always been doing the nightshifts and we do not even sleep in the same room as dh does not want to help out at night as he said he will be sick otherwise, so I decided i would sleep in ds room because i was too exhausted to do it all...(big mistake though...)

OP posts:

Lulumama · 14/10/2007 22:48

your toddler will eat, no child starves themselves to death. sounds like your DH is ready to criticise, but not get involved. and i imagine sleeping seperately is not helping.

can you make time to talk, as a couple? get a babysitter, go out and talk? communication is the key, and the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it.

watling · 14/10/2007 22:49

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Tortington · 14/10/2007 22:50

not helpful at all - but tell him to fuck off. if hes so fucking good at it - do ithimself.

Lulumama · 14/10/2007 22:51

watling · 14/10/2007 22:53

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watling · 14/10/2007 22:55

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Shitemum · 14/10/2007 22:57

if he wont look after your ds himself then he shouldnt be critising the way you do it. He sounds very controlling, was he like this before you had ds? It's normal for children to fall over btw. i think you need to be less anxious about your DPs criticism too, let it go, your DS is probably picking up on the tension too and that's not helping.

Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 23:00

he does not take the bottle in the day time...all he has is a small bowl for breakfast, a small bowl of food(that i try to vary) for lunch (note: no dessert otherwise he will vomit), a yoghurt orcheese or fruit puree for tea time and small bowl of food (no dessert again) for dinner. It is at night time that he will get some milk (only about 250mls per night) which means waking up twice at night and going to work the next day...
I am not saying my husband is useless: he loves our son and will bathe him when he can, takes him out,...but our relationship as a couple has almost become non existant and even a holiday didnt make things better as we still managed to argue about ds!

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kindersurprise · 14/10/2007 23:06

I absolutely agree with Godess Lulumama, do not let food become a battle ground.

A friend of mine was worried about her daughter not eating enough and I suggested a food diary (funnily enough, she is a nutritionist, but we are all a bit blind with our own DCs sometimes!) She was really surprised when she realised that her DD was eating a lot more than she had thought she was.

She also realised that she was comparing her daughter's portions with her own and that it was unreasonable to expect her 3 yo to eat so much.

You should not follow him around with food, meals are eaten at the table and not wandering around playing. My DD is a fussy eater and always eats more if we are sitting at the table discussing our day rather than obsessing over every mouthful and trying to get her to eat more. She also eats more when other children are around, when at kindergarten etc.

I think that you and your DH might benefit from getting a second opinion about the vomiting. Perhaps you could both go so that he is gettign the information straight from the doctor and can ask any questions that you have.

Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 23:07

That is one think dh says about me, that i overreact and am too sensitive over things...
btw, he was not controlling before ds, he is actually seen as very soft and caring...
but a different person with me nowadays...

OP posts:

watling · 14/10/2007 23:19

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Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 23:25

thank you all for your advice it makes me feel better. I have only been out with my husband once since ds was born, which is not great, and that was because it was my birthday and i really wanted to go out...i feel that i have made so many mistakes with ds...

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watling · 14/10/2007 23:33

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kindersurprise · 14/10/2007 23:39

Lolaby,
I do think that you need to spend some time with your DH, an evenign out would do you both good. Do you have someone that you can trust to babysit.

The first year is difficult for a couple, your lives have changed so much in the past year. You need to rediscover yourselves.

It is absolutely normal to worry about your DS. That is motherhood. My DH calls me a clucky hen sometimes when I get too fretful.

Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 23:43

i have MIL who normally looks after him whem i am at work but at night ds will only want me to make him sleep not even daddy, let alone mil! also, feel that i asked too many favours to mil, don't think she would appreciate and do not want to ask too many favours

OP posts:

Shitemum · 14/10/2007 23:47

sorry, am not critising your dp , just trying to support you, things do change after the DCs come along there's no way round that. do think you should maybe try weaning DS off the night time bottles, you'll get more sleep and could move back into your room....

kindersurprise · 14/10/2007 23:49

Do you get out at all then? I know it is sometimes difficult to get the DCs used to going to bed for someone else, but it is worth it. Even if he would go down for your DH then you could go out with a friend for the evening.

My DD was over a year before I wanted to go out, and I went reluctantly. I remember sitting watching a boring film in the cinema thinkíng that I could be home with DD instead.

Now, with 2 DCs I am glad to get out of the house every so often. DH and I have started french lessons together. We have a lovely babysitter who puts DD to bed, I put DS to bed before leaving. It is good to get out with DH and because it is a weekly course, we are "forced" out of the house once a week whether we can be bothered or not.

Original poster

lolaby · 14/10/2007 23:51

have tried many times but did not work and i feel he may need milk to make him put on weight...don't worry about criticising dh, it's fine! just thought i needed to be honest about the situation by saying he does do things with ds....

OP posts:

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