Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it abuse or am I over reacting?

88 replies

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 01:12

Hey all, not sure where to start. Me and my husband haven’t got on for 4 years. It’s got worse since lockdown. He once became physical and squeezed my arm and dug his nails in until I bled. Whatever I do he’s not happy. We argue. I feel like I walk on egg shells. I never know what mood he’s in, if he’s on one of his moody days I try keep my head down and not chat to him so to not anger him - but he always does get annoyed. He’s short with me and my daughter, shouts at us a lot, breaks toys, throws stuff when angry - across the room not at us. Calls me a bad mum, isn’t happy if dinner isn’t ready on time (life happens some days!). He’s constantly on his phone and doesn’t speak to us. And moans if we try speak to him. He blames everything on me, my child’s 4 and he says her Bad behaviour Is my fault - just normal 4 year old kid stuff all kids do. An example of the episodes I’m speaking about is - I try speak to him about something in my life going on - being ill for example, he will turn on me get angry; rude, call me names, be insulting, just shouts and Always blames me! We got a dog recently - he wanted a cat but said a dog was fine because my daughter wanted one. He hates the dog sometimes is rough and grabs it hard, he shouts she moans and is rude 24/7. Blames me as I wanted the dog, he hates dogs, I can’t expect him to be nice to it when he hates dogs - yet he said it was fine. He just switches on me and goes mental! I feel drained being with him. Im sad. I can provide more details or answers to questions. I just don’t know if this is a Normal marriage? Or is this not? I don’t wanna split and then everyone say it’s normal to be upset and handling this drama. Thanks x

OP posts:
HaveeeeYouMetTed · 26/10/2020 01:18

This is definitely not normal & will cause serious mental & emotional issues for both you & your daughter in the long run, if it hasn't already. I rarely say this, but leave. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Eekay · 26/10/2020 01:19

No, it's not normal. Yes, it is abusive. You do not need permission to end this relationship. Your husband is a bully.
If there is someone you trust, please confide in them about what's going on. And I would strongly suggest legal advice so you know what you're entitled to re finances and housing if you split.
Do not let him know you're doing this until you've made a decision and have support in place.
You and your DD (and dog!) deserve better than this. And throwing things often escalates into hitting. Plesse don't stay until that happens.

tectonicplates · 26/10/2020 01:34

This is 100% abuse.

YorkshirePud1 · 26/10/2020 01:36

The fact you're asking this says that you already know it's not right. He's awful and abusive and you'll be so much happier if you leave this situation. Do it for your daughter if not for you - you don't want her to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to be treated. I'm so sorry you're going through this, spending your life treading on eggshells, effectively being scared in your own home is really not ok.

biscuiteer · 26/10/2020 02:06

You must be exhausted. It's awful and not a way to live for you or your lovely daughter. Do you think you can leave him and start a fresh, life without his bullying? You could do and have so much more than you are used to.
He doesn't know what love is and you and your dc deserve to live without his cruelty Flowers

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 02:21

Obviously this is abuse. Get your child and dog away from him.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 02:24

Of course this is abuse and you have the responsibility to get your child, the dog, and yourself away from him. You simply can't allow this to continue.

Zofloramummy · 26/10/2020 02:31

You say you haven’t got on for four years and your dd is 4, did this start during pregnancy?

This is abusive behaviour and I would advise you seeking some support to help you end your marriage. You will be happier and safer without this man.

PebblesAndBamBam · 26/10/2020 02:41

Yes, abusive. Well done for asking. Next step is to get yourself, your daughter and your dog out. In the meantime, log every instance of violence or threatening behaviour (anything that makes you feel afraid can be classed as assault) with the police as soon as practicable after it happens. Build up a body of evidence. When you go, take passports with you.

billy1966 · 26/10/2020 02:53

Absolutely abusive.

Your poor daughter.

Get organised and get out.

You all deserve better.

Flowers
Onedropbeat · 26/10/2020 03:01

My exh treated me near enough identically to this

It took me a while to build up the confidence to leave but once I did I never looked back

I was a shell of my former self when I was with him

I’m pleased to say my old self reappeared very quickly once I was away from his negativity

Honeyandapple · 26/10/2020 03:09

This is an abusive relationship.
Your child is also receiving abuse from what you say. This is no way to grow up Sad

Help is available. Call Woman's Aid.

Your kid has noone else to sort this out and get her out of this environment. It needs to be you. Don't let it go on any longer.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2020 03:20

This man is dangerous.

He is violent toward you and even your dog.

This is 100% abusive.

Do you own the house or rent?
Who is named on the lease if renting?
Who owns the house if you are not renting?

Please call Women's Aid:
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/useful-links/

The National Domestic Abuse hotline number is 0808 2000 247.

You need to prioritise ending the relationship.
You have legal rights, but you will have to start reaching out to agencies and organisations for help and support, and you will need to overcome any wobbles you have about making a clean break if your rights are to be any use to you.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/advice-lines/

HappenedForAReisling · 26/10/2020 03:26

This is awful, OP. It will only get worse.

Jenasaurus · 26/10/2020 03:33

This is both physical and emotional abuse. He dug his nails in until you bled, he is cruel to the dog, cruel to your DD and you are walking on egg shells, this is no way to live OP, you have got used to it, which is why you cant see it for what it is without others validating it. I hope you manage to break free and give your DD and dog, and yourself the life you deserve.

NeonGenesis · 26/10/2020 04:27

Yes, this is definitely abuse and you need to get out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2020 04:38

Absolutely this is abuse. Please get help and get out.

dublingirl66 · 26/10/2020 04:57

He is scum

You must get out of this
ASAP

How dare he treat people like this and the innocent dog too

He is vile

Been there trust me when I say this will get worse

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 26/10/2020 05:03

You’re describing my ex - and I didn’t like who I was becoming. I wish I’d gotten out sooner.

Want to know what ended up happening? I ended up on the floor. He ended up guilty of ABH. He went on a year long personal crusade to crush me through the family courts. I ended up having a break down. Social services bought his tale if me being a crazy bitch who had him charged with something he didn’t do. I lost my children.

Get out. Now. And don’t tell him you’re leaving until you’re gone.

You and your daughter are worth do so so much more than this.

wirldsgonemad · 26/10/2020 05:03

Not normal, this is abuse, you need to get out. See a solicitor.

IdblowJonSnow · 26/10/2020 05:08

What everyone else said.
Please take steps to leave asap and cover your tracks.
You must do it for your daughter because she can't do it herself. But you must absolutely do it for you too.

readingismycardio · 26/10/2020 06:06

OP, you must do it for your daughter and your dog. They can't do it themselves. You also have do do it for yourself. You don't deserve this, no one does. You can still have a peaceful life. You are WORTHY. Please seek help.

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 06:17

Definitely abusive
Can you phone women's aid or a family friend to help you?

KatherineJaneway · 26/10/2020 06:18

@tectonicplates

This is 100% abuse.
Agree. You need to get out.
Thehop · 26/10/2020 06:21

Ring womens aid. Leave. Get the dog to a rescue.