Is it abuse or am I over reacting?

[Upsetmum20]

Hey all, not sure where to start. Me and my husband haven’t got on for 4 years. It’s got worse since lockdown. He once became physical and squeezed my arm and dug his nails in until I bled. Whatever I do he’s not happy. We argue. I feel like I walk on egg shells. I never know what mood he’s in, if he’s on one of his moody days I try keep my head down and not chat to him so to not anger him - but he always does get annoyed. He’s short with me and my daughter, shouts at us a lot, breaks toys, throws stuff when angry - across the room not at us. Calls me a bad mum, isn’t happy if dinner isn’t ready on time (life happens some days!). He’s constantly on his phone and doesn’t speak to us. And moans if we try speak to him. He blames everything on me, my child’s 4 and he says her Bad behaviour Is my fault - just normal 4 year old kid stuff all kids do. An example of the episodes I’m speaking about is - I try speak to him about something in my life going on - being ill for example, he will turn on me get angry; rude, call me names, be insulting, just shouts and Always blames me! We got a dog recently - he wanted a cat but said a dog was fine because my daughter wanted one. He hates the dog sometimes is rough and grabs it hard, he shouts she moans and is rude 24/7. Blames me as I wanted the dog, he hates dogs, I can’t expect him to be nice to it when he hates dogs - yet he said it was fine. He just switches on me and goes mental! I feel drained being with him. Im sad. I can provide more details or answers to questions. I just don’t know if this is a Normal marriage? Or is this not? I don’t wanna split and then everyone say it’s normal to be upset and handling this drama. Thanks x

I feel for you but I really feel bad for this poor dog too. Are you just going to sit there and let an innocent animal get hurt without doing anything about it?

You need to get out. Take the dog with you

Doesn't matter what you want anymore OP. Only matters what you have to do and you know for your child and your dog and yourself you have to get out. This is survival he chooses to treat you like shit please don't believe its any other reason than how he wants to behave to you all. Don't leave the dog behind he will probably kill it. Pack a bag wait til he is busy and then u all leave together go to family or if you can't go to them you have to ring a refuge. Don't sit there and let this man hurt you and your most important people.

The first thing you said about him digging his nails into until you bled, then I didn't need to read anymore. I knew he was abusive. Please leave for your daughter sake. And don't tell him either. Abuse tends to escalate when the abuser thinks they are losing control

Suffering abuse makes you question your own reality. He has normalised his abusive behaviour which make you doubt what you know deep down. This is no way for you, your daughter and the dog to live. You all deserve better. Get some help and get out before your daughter has no mum and you become another statistic

You know this abuse and you also know you need to get your child, and your poor dog, out of that situation ASAP.

Please contact women’s aid, contact the council, lean on friends and family, anyone who can help you. Get a plan in place and leave.

I’m not sure what your living arrangements are. Is it your house? Can you stay there and he leave? Do you have joint finances? Are you able to financially support yourself? These are practical things you will need to sort out. Is he the father of your child?

He’s already physically hurt you and now he’s hurt the dog once, he will most definitely escalate. He will continue to take his anger out on the poor dog. Leave now before this gets much, much worse.

Ask yourself one question: If your daughter married a man like this and he treated her the way your husband treats you, how would you feel?

Would you tell her to just put with it and to stay with him because it’s normal?

If you wouldn’t want your daughter in a marriage like yours, you shouldn’t be in one like it either OP

As everyone has said, please get help and support because you deserve so, so much better

Leave

Even IF it was normal, WHICH IT ISNT, you still don't have to stay.

Oh lovely, 100% abusive - to you, your daughter and the dog.

Practicalities:
Do you have somewhere you can go? (Eg parents.)
Do you have access to any money?
Do you have a job or are you financially dependent on him?

Collect together stuff like passports, birth certificates, financial details

Phone Womens Aid - even if you have nothing in your own name they'll try to find you somewhere. If you have to go to a hostel or refuge, also phone round local animal shelters - they may be able to foster your dog rather than your daughter losing her pet for good

Abuse. Verbal and physical. OP you need to leave. It will get worse. Your child is suffering already, as is the dog, and as are you. You deserve the basic right to be happy and to be able to relax and be yourself in your own home.

It's time to take steps to create that situation.

In case it might be helpful any time look up the Dogs Trust Freedom Project.

This is an awful situation for your daughter to grow up in, very toxic. It's not normal at all. He's a bully. You need to leave ASAP for the sake of your daughter not to mention your own sake. Be smart. Get legal advice without his knowledge and get out as soon as you can OP x

Fgs if you do nothing else rehome the dog. Utterly sickening that you stand by and allow this creep to hurt an animal. Presumably this happens in front of your daughter too? Nice.

This is definitely abuse. Please leave him.

ExH did this to me at first then it graduated to worse and worse violence. He threw a gaming pad at me once and broke some of my teeth in front of our son. The next time my little boy had a tantrum, he copied daddy and threw a toy at me, he also copied daddy and would say I was stupid and tell me to shut up. Kids copy what they are shown and they soon come to think that behaviour is normal.

Thankfully I left ExH and DS and I have an amazing relationship now. He is so much happier. I might not have had the strength to leave for me, but I found it for DS.

You can do this. Think about your options, find somewhere safe for you and your daughter and go.

It's abuse. You need to leave. Dont tell him when as statistically, that's when you are most at risk. Dont under any circumstances go back alone , if you need anything after that or he asks to see you to 'talk' as that's also been shown to be high risk re your safety. Dogs Trust Freedom Project fosters pet's in domestic abuse situations. Take care, you have recognised it's not ok & that's a huge thing.

This is abuse and you have a responsibility to your DC to get out of it. Don't be in any doubt about this.

Contact Women's Aid as soon as you can.

Hi all thank you for your replies.
Firstly to those who think I let him hurt the dog please know I step in. The second he becomes rough or moans I shout and stop him and take the dog out the room and go for a walk with her. I never condone that or accept abuse to a dog. I was sharing how he moans about the dog 24/7 and will be rough. When I say rough I mean if the dog is being a puppy and biting or charging around he would shove the dog away from him. I don’t find that acceptable. The dogs never been hurt. You also have to realise he’s a scary man in a sense. To just say the dog is being rehomed could cause drama and from what others have said about all 3 of us being in danger isn’t sensible. I ask in future you think of what you write no one asks to be put in this situation and I’ve reached out for help via here. Support is needed, not judgement 💕.
Also to those who mentioned he may kill the dog. I truly believe he wouldnt kill anyone. From reflection I think he’s just a damaged person, he had a bad childhood and is an angry man and stressed. No excuse but I just truly don’t believe he could kill someone.

Lastly I appreciate your comments that this isn’t normal. I’ve stayed for years trying to resolve problems but nothing changes. He just seems to be worse and we just don’t get on, we are more distant than ever and more bad days then good moments. It’s like 5% enjoyable moments now. My daughter deserves better. I will find the strength to leave for her sake. I just wanted to know I wasn’t over reacting at all xx

It’s not always obvious to the person receiving the abuse and gas lighting. From speaking to women’s aid they said this

Noone you ask will say that is normal. That is abusive.

OP, with kindness, the advice you've been given about you all being in danger is 100% accurate. It is not meant to be hurtful.

He is dangerous and violent. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is normal behaviour?

Leave, before it's too late.

It's the opposite end of the scale to normal.

If your daughters bad behaviour can be attributed to anything it will be her cunt piece of a dad.

Leave him.

I got about a 6th of the way through your post op and it was obvious. Abusive.

@JorisBonson I didn’t mean the advice to leave wasn’t correct. And the danger we are in. I just meant the comment to those judging me for having the dog here and standing by why he abused her. It’s not an ideal situation I’m in, but I’ve never stood by and watched. So to judge me like I was wasn’t very fair.

I agree I’m in danger and that I need to leave I think by me posting here shows me that I’ve realised that things aren’t right. And reading your messages has helped me feel confident it’s not just me imagining it or my fault - as my husband had been saying. So I appreciate that a lot x

@Zofloramummy yes it started when my child was born pretty much. I think there was moments when I was pregnant but I was happy to be pregnant I didn’t realise x

@Mytimetokillandmaim hi it’s not always obvious. When you’re being abused and gas lighted it’s not always obvious to you. Posting here has helped and I’ve also contacted a domestic abuse charity today who told me it’s not always easy for the one being abused to see x