Is it abuse or am I over reacting?

[Upsetmum20]

Hey all, not sure where to start. Me and my husband haven’t got on for 4 years. It’s got worse since lockdown. He once became physical and squeezed my arm and dug his nails in until I bled. Whatever I do he’s not happy. We argue. I feel like I walk on egg shells. I never know what mood he’s in, if he’s on one of his moody days I try keep my head down and not chat to him so to not anger him - but he always does get annoyed. He’s short with me and my daughter, shouts at us a lot, breaks toys, throws stuff when angry - across the room not at us. Calls me a bad mum, isn’t happy if dinner isn’t ready on time (life happens some days!). He’s constantly on his phone and doesn’t speak to us. And moans if we try speak to him. He blames everything on me, my child’s 4 and he says her Bad behaviour Is my fault - just normal 4 year old kid stuff all kids do. An example of the episodes I’m speaking about is - I try speak to him about something in my life going on - being ill for example, he will turn on me get angry; rude, call me names, be insulting, just shouts and Always blames me! We got a dog recently - he wanted a cat but said a dog was fine because my daughter wanted one. He hates the dog sometimes is rough and grabs it hard, he shouts she moans and is rude 24/7. Blames me as I wanted the dog, he hates dogs, I can’t expect him to be nice to it when he hates dogs - yet he said it was fine. He just switches on me and goes mental! I feel drained being with him. Im sad. I can provide more details or answers to questions. I just don’t know if this is a Normal marriage? Or is this not? I don’t wanna split and then everyone say it’s normal to be upset and handling this drama. Thanks x

I didnt even get to the end before i concluded its abuse.

Get out Op. You and your daughter deserve better

Courts and CAFCASS are looking at the best interests of the child and clear concise lists can be easier to read than generalised comments. E.g. create a list on your phone and add to it as you recall things. Rough date and what happened, e.g. he broke DD birthday present on X, bruised arms seen by witness on X, threatened to break X over summer of 2020. Getting it 'out' can help you to take it in and you have a record to share.

Nothing can be done for me now, OP.

But you can get out! And be safe. And be while agsin.

OP I can recommend a barrister who specialises in domestic abuse for you to talk to - she’s very straight talking and you can take it from there? DM me if you want her information.

Yes it is abuse but honestly even the fact that you haven't gotten along in 4 years is plenty reason to leave

Please speak to women's aid and refuge.

Yes it's bad abuse. Don't let this man show your child how to act.

Get the house and throw him out. Women's aid can advise on all of thus

i think you should punch him in the face tbh darling. you’re too good to b treated like that x

You’ve had some great advice to look into so I’ve not really anything to add. Just want to confirm as others have said it is abuse and I hope you manage to leave safely. Wishing you and your little one lots of luck.

100% abuse and it’s horrific Op. you sound like you have a good head on you to know that you need to get out for your daughter, your sake and the dogs sake.

Don’t worry about custody of your daughter, you will not lose custody. Can you get yourself To a solicitor For free advice or look in to legal aid? I would advise you separate yourself from this man as soon as possible as this will only escalate. He sounds very scary and he has harmed you physically once and gotten away with it - he WILL do it again.

So I left (well he got arrested and bail conditions meant he couldn't come back at the start ) at the start of lockdown. Another life is entirely possible, I would second the recommendation of Women's aid. I would also consider the police, you can call 101 and discuss your options. The police for me provided a complete wrap around service, referrals to social services (who were supportive and got counselling for my kids). a referral to NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/ (you can self refer) who helped me write an occupancy order and non molestation order which meant he could neither contact me or live in the house. Dogs trust freedom project offer respite care for dogs when women go into refuges www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/hope-project-freedom-project/freedom-project
You might also want to join the facebook group Domestic Abuse & Narcissist Abuse Support UK, a survivors group who will help you navigate the LTB part. Good luck, take care and get out now! It will get worse, often so slowly worse that you barely notice.

@Upsetmum20 call Rights of Women for advice on the next steps. They can tell you what the steps are wrt separation, getting an Occupation Order if necessary, a Non-Molesatio Order. They can advise on divorce and what this might entail.

I strongly advise you not to allow contact between him and your DD. He will use any contact as a means of making your life utterly miserable. He will not see contact as an opportunity to form a lovely relationship with his daughter. He will use the child as a pawn in a campaign against you. Your DD is most likely terrified of him.

Don't minimise what he does when you talk to DV agencies, the police, etc.

He throws things across the room, breaks your child's toys, shouts at you and your child, blames, accuses, he dominates the home with his angry moods and his silences, he has been violent toward you and he is inappropriately rough with the family pet.

Don't say 'he throws things across the room but not at us' and stop thinking of it that way. The effect is exactly the same - he is scaring the bejaysus out of you and your child and this is his intention. He is getting what he wants out of the relationship with you and the relationship with his own child - the chance to terrify two human beings who are weaker and smaller than him.

It makes no difference what caused this abusive behaviour. Grown adults have a choice about their behaviour. He is choosing to terrify you, his own child, and the family pet.

Please leave with your daughter and dog , I was your daughter and 40 years later I still freeze if a door slams

OP, do you feel stronger to follow up on advice on here?