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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it abuse or am I over reacting?

88 replies

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 01:12

Hey all, not sure where to start. Me and my husband haven’t got on for 4 years. It’s got worse since lockdown. He once became physical and squeezed my arm and dug his nails in until I bled. Whatever I do he’s not happy. We argue. I feel like I walk on egg shells. I never know what mood he’s in, if he’s on one of his moody days I try keep my head down and not chat to him so to not anger him - but he always does get annoyed. He’s short with me and my daughter, shouts at us a lot, breaks toys, throws stuff when angry - across the room not at us. Calls me a bad mum, isn’t happy if dinner isn’t ready on time (life happens some days!). He’s constantly on his phone and doesn’t speak to us. And moans if we try speak to him. He blames everything on me, my child’s 4 and he says her Bad behaviour Is my fault - just normal 4 year old kid stuff all kids do. An example of the episodes I’m speaking about is - I try speak to him about something in my life going on - being ill for example, he will turn on me get angry; rude, call me names, be insulting, just shouts and Always blames me! We got a dog recently - he wanted a cat but said a dog was fine because my daughter wanted one. He hates the dog sometimes is rough and grabs it hard, he shouts she moans and is rude 24/7. Blames me as I wanted the dog, he hates dogs, I can’t expect him to be nice to it when he hates dogs - yet he said it was fine. He just switches on me and goes mental! I feel drained being with him. Im sad. I can provide more details or answers to questions. I just don’t know if this is a Normal marriage? Or is this not? I don’t wanna split and then everyone say it’s normal to be upset and handling this drama. Thanks x

OP posts:

CorianderLord · 26/10/2020 14:25

Hope you get out soon OP! He's very abusive, and for all you say he wouldn't kill anyone or anything, that's what I'm sure many murdered women believe about their abusive partners.

He has already hurt you once and has no respect for you. Get out before he gets worse - because he will get worse.

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:25

@PebblesAndBamBam can I log it without him finding out? X

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 26/10/2020 14:25

Also to those who mentioned he may kill the dog. I truly believe he wouldnt kill anyone. From reflection I think he’s just a damaged person, he had a bad childhood and is an angry man and stressed. No excuse but I just truly don’t believe he could kill someone.

I also know exactly why my ex son in law was an abusive man. I couldn't care less as he nearly ruined my daughter's life and never accepted that he had done anything wrong. The why isn't important and it certainly shouldn't make you try to excuse what he does or put up with it.

Literally the only right thing you can do for you and your daughter is leave. Get as much evidence as you can of his abuse as this might well be needed for later.

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:26

@Onedropbeat how did you get out? How did you start again? I’m so nervous too x

OP posts:

Reinga · 26/10/2020 14:27

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to show you how bad things have really become. Best wishes to you, OP. I hope you have some support to get through what will be a challenging time. You are absolutely doing the right thing to leave an abusive situation and find a happier life for you all.

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:37

@mathanxiety thank you for the advice. We have a mortgage but are 50/50 on the mortgage and deeds. I don’t work as I stay home with our child, he is the sole earner. I’m just unsure of the next steps... :(. I will find strength and use my rights. I have to for my daughter x

OP posts:

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:39

@LaLaLandIsNoFun so sad reading your story. It’s making me be someone I don’t like to - sad a lot and snappy at times because I’m struggling to cope with it all. Is there anything to do to work out your situation x

OP posts:

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:39

@Shoxfordian today I reached out to a friend and admitted the truth. She’s gonna help me x

OP posts:

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 14:40

@CutToChase I haven’t stood by and let him hurt the dog. I intervene and stop him and remove the dog from the room.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 14:45

That's really good
Keep talking to her

MitziK · 26/10/2020 14:45

[quote Upsetmum20]@CutToChase I haven’t stood by and let him hurt the dog. I intervene and stop him and remove the dog from the room.[/quote]
But you haven't yet intervened and removed the abuser from the house/your lives. So the abuse of the dog, you and your daughter is being allowed to continue at present.

You will find support to do this with Women's Aid.

CaraDuneRedux · 26/10/2020 14:48

[quote Upsetmum20]@Shoxfordian today I reached out to a friend and admitted the truth. She’s gonna help me x[/quote]
Well done Upsetmum20. The first step is the most important one. And don't be surprised if it's a very hard journey and you take one step forward, half a step back. Posters on here often act as if LTB is the easiest thing in the world, but those who've experienced domestic abuse or who have friends/family who have know that it's not that easy - partly because abusers do an absolute number on your self esteem and ability to trust your own judgement.

One day at a time - you can do this, and you, your daughter and your dog will all be so much happier for it.

Dragongirl10 · 26/10/2020 14:57

Op, l agree 100% this is serious abuse, and getting more dangerous.

I am so sorry l know this must feel very overwhelming but well done for taking the important steps of telling a friend, and contacting Womans Aid. You are absolutely doing the only thing you can, please don't doubt yourself.

Your DD and D dog, and you, deserve a safe calm home, where you are not threatened or living in fear of his temper.

Yopu are being a great mum by taking DD away from this scary situation.

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 15:20

Big hug to you OP. Stay strong.
Speak to womens aid. Make sure you delete your internet history so that he has no chance of seeing these posts also.

Take care x

WorkingMule · 26/10/2020 15:30

Hi,
I just want to tell you that this is what happened to me until 3 months ago. Walking on egg shells and not knowing what mood he will day to day. What you wrote was actually my life for the last 2 years, and in the last 12 months he started to shout and bad mouth our baby daughter ( toddler age) for every single mishap that she was doing. All has culminate with him trying to strangle me after a row in which he was accusing me of cheating with an old boyfriend from teenage years. He was taken by police and I have started the divorce procedure a week later.
Please sort you’re your finances, but take care with bank text/e-mails that he could see and don’t worry about what you will gone do. Everything will become clear once you will be alone and without his negative influence. I was afraid that I won’t be able to survive financially but I have been granted UC( as little as it is, is enough until I get a better job) and believe me all 3 of you will feel more FREE and CALM.
Good luck! 💐🤗🤗

Original poster

Upsetmum20 · 26/10/2020 15:46

Can anyone advise what could happen with splitting our house? And also custody of our daughter? I have my concerns leaving them alone together. I don’t wanna deny them contact and they have always got on good for the most part. But I dunno if I leave on abusive terms does that mean he looses contact? Or will he be allowed it until he does wrong? I just want to know what I’m facing to an extent? Thanks

OP posts:

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 15:51

@Upsetmum20

I don't think you necessarily need to leave on abusive terms. Speak to womens aid and see what they suggest. It may you can split amicably and he can get help for the damage he has received from his childhood.

I'm not sure what happens in these situations, I only ever see when the partner has finally 'flipped' and the police and involved/the victim has to flee...which hopefully it won't get to that point, but speak to WA for advice.

PostItJoyWeek · 26/10/2020 15:54

The courts consider what is in the best interests of the child.

That said, most contact arrangements with abusive/selfish/troubled men never go near the courts. The woman worries he will demand 50:50 because she knows he is crap at childcare. He demands 50:50 because he knows that means he pays less maintenance. He then proceeds to barely ever see the children because he is abusive/selfish/troubled.

PostItJoyWeek · 26/10/2020 15:56

How much childcare does he do now?

Branleuse · 26/10/2020 15:58

you dont have to live like this. Life isnt supposed to be shit

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2020 15:58

Imagine op if someone else had written that post.
Would you say it was abuse. ?Of course you would.
Would you say the poster was over reacting ? definitely not.
I pray you have or find the strength to leave this beast.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 26/10/2020 15:59

I stopped a few lines in when you say that he breaks toys.
He's abusive.

WorkingMule · 26/10/2020 16:01

With the house depends who is on the deeds: if is 50-50 then all could be decide by the divorce judge for you. If you could get to an agreement with him, then you will have to sell it( probably). But don't rush!
Custody: if you mention to the social services and to your solicitor that you are afraid to leave your daughter with him he won't get access to her . And then if he wants access it will have to be a supervised one. Don't buy into any threats that he will take your baby, he won't!
If you have proof that he was violent towards you, call the police and don’t leave the house, or hand over the keys. If all good, then he will get automatically restriction for you and the property, if not then apply for one.
Put down all the monthly costs and any income and see where you are.
I have started the divorce in second half of July and only now I have been granted Decree Nisi. So until Decree absolute, it will pass another 2-3 months.Don't rush, detached yourself from him mentally( cry, get angry, shout at him but put it in a box in your mind to deal with it later) and start thinking on how to start new.
Think all the time: Is not me( with fault) is you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2020 16:02

Big tough bullying twat to a women a child and dog.!!!! He'd shit himself if a big burly bloke confronted him in a pub.

Halloween4 · 26/10/2020 16:04

Yes, this is abuse. I lived through similar for the sake of the kids (who love their dad) until I found out he was cheating (which I had long suspected but previously had no evidence of)....Funny how I could put up with the abuse but not the cheating. It sparked our immediate split, even though we'd barely had any form of "relationship" for several years. Don't fester like I did. Address it now.

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