To say something to my grandmother?

[YellowEllis]

I've never had a close relationship with my grandparents, we live in different areas of the UK several hours apart and growing up we saw them maybe once or twice a year. Since moving out I've never gone up to see them on my own, but I've seen them at family occasions or with my mum in tow, again not close but fine.

I had a baby last year, she emailed me to say congratulations and followed it up with an email about how she guesses she'll never get to meet him as she never sees me. I said to her once he was a little older we'd drive up so she could meet him. I kept this promise, and when he was just 4 months old DH and me drove 6 hours to go and visit her. We took her out for lunch and it was fine. She didn't really seem interested in our baby, she didn't want to hold him which is fine, I hadn't seen her for a couple of years so we caught up. Baby got fussy, so DH took him for a walk around outside in the buggy to calm him down. When I finished my food I had got caught up in conversation with her until she said "well aren't you going to swap so he can eat his dinner?" At which point i of course did.

I've found out since that she has said to several family members and my mum that I did nothing all afternoon, my husband changed all the nappies, looked after the baby (which in her eyes/generation is very much the mothers job) I just sat there and drank wine. She said I've always been lazy and selfish and clearly haven't grown up. She also said I'm exactly the kind of mother she expected me to be, definitely not meaning it as a compliment. Honestly, I'm really upset about it and it's playing on my mind still.

Yes, my husband did take over with the baby that afternoon, to allow me to catch up with my grandmother I hadn't seen for years. To allow me one afternoon off as I was still on maternity leave and at home all day everyday with the baby whilst he works. To look after his own child because he wanted to and didn't often get time off with them. Ok, I should of got up sooner to swap when I'd finished my meal - but I'm really really hurt for her to be so harsh. I drove 6 hours in the car with a baby who hated the car, he screamed and screamed the whole way, just because she guilt tripped me about not meeting him to then not even hold him or really act like she cares.

I have no intentions of taking him to see her again, but I really want to message her and say I know about the comments she's made and I just want to say how much it hurt.

I wouldn’t bother contacting her. She won’t care. Just ignore and move on. Be pleased she’s 6 hours away. She’s been a cow, you’ve done nothing wrong.

I can see you'd be hurt OP, and usually I'd say let it go and be the bigger person. However, I have to say she shows a startling lack of understanding. I think in your case I might very carefully choose my words but tell her that you are hurt and the reason your husband looked after your baby was by pre-agreement and he wanted you to have time with her after travelling so far, so he offered to take over if baby needed attention. If you do decide to say something I'd write it out first in a non-confrontational way, sleep on it (important) and then send it. Don't sent it til you've slept on it though.

I’d try to let it go. What response could she possibly give that would make you feel better? She’s unlikely to apologise and you’ll just feel worse. She sounds awful. It was nice if you tomake the effor t to go and visit her but at least you know you don’t need to bother again.

Oh dear, she summoned you all that way so as to judge you and now tell everyone.

But, it doesn't matter, it's her not you and it's not worth worrying about. You don't have to make the trip again and can forget about it.

We'll done having a sensible DH who does his share so you can catch up with your relatives!

Come to think of it, in these comments there may be some jealousy/bitterness that a marriage with an enlightened division of domestic labour is available to many women now, whereas for her generation it just wasn't like that.

Just leave it. One less person whose opinion you need to care about!

Id be bloody fuming too, obviously. But all of those people she's spoken to have seen you many many times and know you. Their opinion isnt going to be swayed by her nasty remarks.

If it does come up again, be blase but firm, and laugh at her. Her comments were rude, she wasnt interested in your child so your husband took charge so you could be free to catch up with her. You certainly wont be making the effort again... 😂

I have to disagree BlueJava whilst I see where you're coming from, it sounds too much like op defending herself when she shouldn't have too, and I doubt it would make any difference.

Op - I totally understand how hurt you must be. This would have really upset me when mine were little if anyone had said it, never mind my grandmother. I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like she likes or cares about you .

This wasn't an offhand comment that has hurt your feelings, it's a pointed and vicious attack on you and your ability as a mother, which is not something I could forgive.

Rise above, move on and don't have any more contact with her than necessary (family events etc). If she ever asks you why you don't see her anymore, you can have an honest response ready, but the best thing you can do is be happy and ignore her toxicity.

Sounds like it may be a difference in parenting style. I would leave it.

Dont bother contacting her again. What a nasty cow. You know what she thinks of you so you know not to waste any more thought on her.
And you know you're not wrong to let your husband care for his own baby.

What you should have said when she complained she never sees you is "well you're welcome to visit any time"

I would leave her to it. Not sure why your family members would tell you about what she said, though?

I actually think that never visiting her or making any effort to see her again will send the message best. Actions speak louder than words.

And if you engage with her about it, you're giving her the opportunity to respond, and a frankly nasty person like that probably isn't going to respond in any positive way. It would only compound the hurt.

Nobody she's talking to will take her views seriously. She will just sound batty and sexist and bitchy. People who hear her will be judging her, rather than you.

I guess now you know why your parents saw her so seldom... it's not just because she lived a long way away, it's because she's a cowbag!

I would just be grateful for the cast-iron reason never to have to make that 6 hour journey again.

I would imagine that those family members you see more and who matter more to you will be well aware that your husband does not do everything - and they may well have been quite delighted to hear that he was doing his share when you visited your grandmother. I don't imagine they wanted you to be upset by hearing how silly her verdict was. For that matter, your grandmother probably wasn't expecting her comments to be reported to you!

Bear in mind the different expectations of her generation, and ignore the conclusions she's drawn after a few hours. I don't think there's much to be gained by sending her any sort of message - it might be more likely to add to her bad opinion of you. Better to rise above it and behave politely towards her. Just have confidence in yourself, and know that not everybody thinks the same way.

I would also question who thought it was a great idea to pass these comments on to you? But yes the Grandma sounds like a cow bag.

So NOW you know why you only ever were taken to see her a couple of times a year.
She's still in the 1950s and will likely not change her opinion.
I wouldn't bother trying to explain.
With family, you reap what you sow. You won't be in a hurry to visit again, will you?

She most probably has never seen an equal partnership! I'd give her a call., shes your grandmother.

There was absolutely no reason to take over for your husband any sooner. Yoir Grandmoter is a sanctimonious twat. Let the trash take itself out. Ignore her. Completely

@Sometimeswinning

She most probably has never seen an equal partnership! I'd give her a call., shes your grandmother.

If she wants the respect of being OPs grandmother then maybe she should act like one. How about Grandma stop slagging OP to all and sundry and give OP the respect that is due to her as she is her granddaughter

Firstly can you be sure that her words have been recounted to you accurately? I.e. did she actually use the words lazy and selfish? Are all family accounts consistent? And do you think that it was the right thing for your relatives to pass on such comments, knowing that they would likely cause hurt? Tbh, I would be inclined to let it go. She's unlikely to change and I don't think that I could be arsed to respond. I can understand her comments about laziness if she is from an era where the woman did everything. She's stuck in a time warp which fails to recognise the multiple roles of today's mums. However, her comment that she expected you to be like that as a mum is cruel and unloving. Does she get on with your parents/her offspring? Could it also be a slight at them? Ultimately she has shot herself in the foot as you won't be putting yourself out again and subjecting yourself to that!

She sounds awful. I wouldn’t get in touch about it, people like that thrive on the attention and drama. I agree she likely has some jealousy. At the end of the day, seeing you for a few hours after you have a new baby is hardly frequent or long enough to judge your parenting anyway! It’s very hard to do it but you are best off to rise above it and try not to let there be any more hurt from it as she isn’t worth it!!!

I honestly wouldn’t bother saying anything to her. Old people are set in their ways and you’re not going to change her old fashioned views. She’s really shown her true colours hasn’t she. I wouldn’t waste my time visiting again. Your husband sounds lovely by the way.

If you'd been the one doing all the nappy changing and feeding then she wouldn't have even noticed much less mention it to other people.

I don't care how old people are, there's no excuse for that sexist shit. Don't bother with her. Blood isn't always thicker than water

Leave it. Her opinion isn't the measure of your ability as a mother.

Plus who is relaying her bile. Tell them to stop

I think she's absolutely irrelevant, and making herself even more so. Enjoy not giving her head space, or wasting time on her.

I never get why people tell an OP to put up and shut up on these threads. OP, if it will make you feel better, do text her to tell her you were hurt. Something along the lines of:

‘I’m really hurt that you have told people I’m lazy and selfish just because DH took care of the baby one afternoon so I could spend time with you and after having driven 6 hours to see you. You clearly didn’t enjoy the time with us so I won’t put you to the trouble again. Take care.’

I guess I do feel the need to defend myself. I only went up there for her benefit and it's just really pissed me off. I know she's never been that keen on me (growing up my mum would run to her every time I was a standard stroppy teenager who hated her parents, but didn't mention the times I was nice, or any of the goodbits. She always got a very one sided view of me) and I've always felt like she'd never given me a chance. It was made relatively obvious that I wasn't her favourite grandkid by a long shot, I was very much bottom of the heap there. She'd made up her mind about me and that was that. But to come after my parenting like that has touched a nerve. I'm just so angry about it.

I decided this week to not give a fuck what others think say or do in relation to how they treat me or view any actions that i undertake. Its their issue if they have a problem not yours. Seriously never give a fuck.