To say something to my grandmother?

[YellowEllis]

I've never had a close relationship with my grandparents, we live in different areas of the UK several hours apart and growing up we saw them maybe once or twice a year. Since moving out I've never gone up to see them on my own, but I've seen them at family occasions or with my mum in tow, again not close but fine.

I had a baby last year, she emailed me to say congratulations and followed it up with an email about how she guesses she'll never get to meet him as she never sees me. I said to her once he was a little older we'd drive up so she could meet him. I kept this promise, and when he was just 4 months old DH and me drove 6 hours to go and visit her. We took her out for lunch and it was fine. She didn't really seem interested in our baby, she didn't want to hold him which is fine, I hadn't seen her for a couple of years so we caught up. Baby got fussy, so DH took him for a walk around outside in the buggy to calm him down. When I finished my food I had got caught up in conversation with her until she said "well aren't you going to swap so he can eat his dinner?" At which point i of course did.

I've found out since that she has said to several family members and my mum that I did nothing all afternoon, my husband changed all the nappies, looked after the baby (which in her eyes/generation is very much the mothers job) I just sat there and drank wine. She said I've always been lazy and selfish and clearly haven't grown up. She also said I'm exactly the kind of mother she expected me to be, definitely not meaning it as a compliment. Honestly, I'm really upset about it and it's playing on my mind still.

Yes, my husband did take over with the baby that afternoon, to allow me to catch up with my grandmother I hadn't seen for years. To allow me one afternoon off as I was still on maternity leave and at home all day everyday with the baby whilst he works. To look after his own child because he wanted to and didn't often get time off with them. Ok, I should of got up sooner to swap when I'd finished my meal - but I'm really really hurt for her to be so harsh. I drove 6 hours in the car with a baby who hated the car, he screamed and screamed the whole way, just because she guilt tripped me about not meeting him to then not even hold him or really act like she cares.

I have no intentions of taking him to see her again, but I really want to message her and say I know about the comments she's made and I just want to say how much it hurt.

Just leave it for now OP.

I would say just cut contact - no Xmas card for her this year - and she might get the message.

If she gets in touch to say why she never sees you, tell her you think it's incredibly rude to talk about people behind their backs - especially when they have driven six hours to buy you lunch!

Honestly some people have zero self-awareness or manners and defending yourself will just open you up for more criticism.

F#&k that old crone basically.

In your shoes I'd be more concerned about why other family members felt the need to tell you what she'd said. Surely they should have just put her right and left you out of it?

Your wasting so much energy on this OP.

You made the effort, which is great and shows you are not a lazy, selfish person. Your conscience is clear.

Your Grandmother however, is a first prize shit stirer and I would just go low contact or NC with her. Anything you say to her will be used against you and she knows how to push your buttons. It's not worth it.

Op I've experienced something quite similar.
It's so hurtful, you've been mis judged, harshly judged and feel indignation.

The big problem if course is also your dm.. Bad mouthing you
Do you get on well with her now? They sound awful. Your dm should ideally say something Abe defend you. If not I'd seriously think about going lc.

Imagine if the family member didn't tell op??

Would anyone really want to be left in the bloody dark over this? Really?

Op could be about to spend her time and energy on getting photos copied and framed to send her? Or some gift... Thinking she has re connected with this vicious cow!!

It would be utterly cruel to leave op in the dark here it really would.

@YellowEllis

I guess I do feel the need to defend myself. I only went up there for her benefit and it's just really pissed me off. I know she's never been that keen on me (growing up my mum would run to her every time I was a standard stroppy teenager who hated her parents, but didn't mention the times I was nice, or any of the goodbits. She always got a very one sided view of me) and I've always felt like she'd never given me a chance. It was made relatively obvious that I wasn't her favourite grandkid by a long shot, I was very much bottom of the heap there. She'd made up her mind about me and that was that. But to come after my parenting like that has touched a nerve. I'm just so angry about it.

And was it your mother who told you that your grandmother said you were so awful?

It sounds like they are both still stuck in some negative parenting loop. Becoming a mother really shines a spotlight on how you were parented - perhaps your mother was putting you down to gain favour with her mother. Perhaps that's their thing. Doesn't have to be yours.

When I got pregnant, my Grandmother's comment was that I had only done so as my sil (db's wife) was pregnant. We had been married almost 9 years and had been trying for a,while;, db and his wife hadn't been married long, and it was an accident.

Nothing was ever right when I was growing up; my marriage was wrong, my degree was wrong, I didn't know my place etc. I tended after a bit to just roll my eyes and let it wash over me, especially the bit where she told me I should have become a Nun. I'd have had difficulty with chastity and silence!!

Imho, it's jealousy that you have what their times didn't allow them to have. Ignore, let it wash over you and enjoy your baby.

@Mokusspokus

Imagine if the family member didn't tell op??

Would anyone really want to be left in the bloody dark over this? Really?

Op could be about to spend her time and energy on getting photos copied and framed to send her? Or some gift... Thinking she has re connected with this vicious cow!!

It would be utterly cruel to leave op in the dark here it really would.

No it wouldn’t. It would have been entirely sensible. It’s bad enough that it was said in the first place. There was no benefit to anyone in passing it on.

I guess I'm projecting. I would want to know, I wouldn't want to be wasting my time mentally planning more trips.. Or gifts, mistakenly thinking I had a lovey time with grandma!

I'm afraid there's no way I could ignore this and not say something to defend myself, but then I'm an epic level grudge holder and would be angry about it for decades - others I think would be better at ignoring it. But my personal feelings are that if somebody is being an arsehole they should be told off, otherwise they will just go on being like it, it's almost like enabling them if you don't call them out on that sort of behaviour.

I'm sorry your grandma is such a spiteful old boot OP.

Your grandma is horrible, I'd be angry too. There isn't any point in saying anything though. I'd question the motives of whoever passed this information onto you though. Someone who had your best interests at heart would have defended you themselves at the time and then not said another word about it?

You do need to say something but in a controlled way. This will play on your mind and although a lot of people are saying let it go I wouldn't because then it becomes family folklore and all sorts of other things get added to the narrative. Then you will be the bad one for never letting your son have contact with his great nan and everyone will forget the bile spilled out at you. Say your piece in a letter, leave it at that and carrying on being the best Mum you can be.

Presumably your mum will run to her if you make comments so just tell her. 6 hours with a baby in the car isn’t advised, I see that you were trying to be nice, but don’t pander to people who don’t love you in future.

I would send her a letter saying that you have been told she has been criticising your parenting but you know this can’t be true because she is far too fair minded to make a judgement based on one lunch. That she would never be so rude and malicious about her own grand daughter and you intend to reprimand these gossip mongers on her behalf. But before you do so has she got anything to add.

This way she knows that you know but can’t turn the letter round on you.

When horrible comments get back to you, don’t ask the person why they said what they did.

Ask whoever was told it why the person felt comfortable enough to say this to them.

No one who tells you this has your best interests at heart op. They are doing their best to whip up drama and negativity, for whatever reason.

If, for example, my Nan said this to me about my sister i’d be putting my Nan firmly back in her place and dressing her down for being so nasty...but i’d NEVER breathe a word to my sister.

Your Nan is not your biggest problem here imo.

I wouldn’t say anything directly to her, but if anyone mentioned it I would say, ‘Yes, dh got the easy job that afternoon dealing with the baby, I had to do all the dealing with the granny. Oh, well, I guess it is my side of the family so I can’t blame him too much for skiving.’

But then I am a bitch.

Shizzle....

Op would be pandering and may have even gone again had someone not told her the truth.

How can you not pander to people like this unless you know what they are feeling about you?

Rona rossi

And when your dsis started saying how she really felt bonded to grandma, may call her, travel 6 hours to see her again... Create lovley Xmas calender of them all together at lunch...

Would you let your sister carry on like that??

Yes it was my mum who relayed it to me. I then spoke to my siblings about it who had confirmed that my grandmother had also said it to them but they didn't want to say and upset me. My mum is very bitchy. They are as bad as each other to be honest. I'm used to my mum, I just didn't expect it from my grandmother after making so much effort I guess. It'll be wasted breath I'm sure but if it would make me stop being angry every time I think of this it would be worth it.

What a nasty woman. Maybe I would send her a few choice words (calmly) but not like I was excusing myself because you’ve done nothing wrong obviously. Or just leave it, you’re not going to change her mind

I don’t think saying something will make you less angry. Her response will probably just make you more angry... and then she can tell all your relatives about how you were so horrible to her.

She’s not going to say: “oh yes, you’re right I was a complete cow and sorry I’ve never been very nice to you”.

Just back off, and save it as ammunition for if she gives you grief in the future about not visiting etc.

She sounds like an absolute witch! If you feel an urge to put her straight then do it. It seems like it would t change anything but if it’ll make you feel a bit better I say go for it.

I would love to say I'd let it go and have nothing to do with her moving forward but I just know I'd have to have my say.

Don't message her, send her a letter. She can't say she hasn't seen that. Let her know how backward her thinking in, how wrongly she assessed the situation that day and that you will not be making that trip again.

If she thinks that little of you then I'd go NC now and not give one solitary shit. May sound harsh but you're not close and with her attitude there's no way you ever will be.

No you absolutely don't have to be the 'bigger person'!

Yes I would send the nasty piece of work a message actually. As posted above, edited slightly:

’I'm really hurt that you have told people I’m lazy and selfish just because DH took care of the baby for one afternoon so I could spend time with you and after having driven 6 hours to see you. You also clearly don't understand the concept of a father who works full time (yes, while I have the baby) wanting to spend some free time with his child - other people do however, so I'd advise you to stop making a fool of yourself trying your hardest to badmouth me to people who know better than a can't-be-bothered 'grandmother' about our actual lives. You'll be relieved to know I won't be troubling you with another contact after this one. Goodbye'

I have a rude, judgemental granny (more due to a lack of intelligence than malice, to be brutally honest) and a few years ago I finally told her to fuck off. I'm not even paraphrasing - I genuinely just told her to fuck off.

We haven't spoken since and I don't miss her. It doesn't sound like you'll ever change your gran but give her a few choice words and then stop contact.

Your mum also shouldn't be relaying nasty things said about you, though.