To say something to my grandmother?

[YellowEllis]

I've never had a close relationship with my grandparents, we live in different areas of the UK several hours apart and growing up we saw them maybe once or twice a year. Since moving out I've never gone up to see them on my own, but I've seen them at family occasions or with my mum in tow, again not close but fine.

I had a baby last year, she emailed me to say congratulations and followed it up with an email about how she guesses she'll never get to meet him as she never sees me. I said to her once he was a little older we'd drive up so she could meet him. I kept this promise, and when he was just 4 months old DH and me drove 6 hours to go and visit her. We took her out for lunch and it was fine. She didn't really seem interested in our baby, she didn't want to hold him which is fine, I hadn't seen her for a couple of years so we caught up. Baby got fussy, so DH took him for a walk around outside in the buggy to calm him down. When I finished my food I had got caught up in conversation with her until she said "well aren't you going to swap so he can eat his dinner?" At which point i of course did.

I've found out since that she has said to several family members and my mum that I did nothing all afternoon, my husband changed all the nappies, looked after the baby (which in her eyes/generation is very much the mothers job) I just sat there and drank wine. She said I've always been lazy and selfish and clearly haven't grown up. She also said I'm exactly the kind of mother she expected me to be, definitely not meaning it as a compliment. Honestly, I'm really upset about it and it's playing on my mind still.

Yes, my husband did take over with the baby that afternoon, to allow me to catch up with my grandmother I hadn't seen for years. To allow me one afternoon off as I was still on maternity leave and at home all day everyday with the baby whilst he works. To look after his own child because he wanted to and didn't often get time off with them. Ok, I should of got up sooner to swap when I'd finished my meal - but I'm really really hurt for her to be so harsh. I drove 6 hours in the car with a baby who hated the car, he screamed and screamed the whole way, just because she guilt tripped me about not meeting him to then not even hold him or really act like she cares.

I have no intentions of taking him to see her again, but I really want to message her and say I know about the comments she's made and I just want to say how much it hurt.

@YellowEllis

I guess I do feel the need to defend myself. I only went up there for her benefit and it's just really pissed me off. I know she's never been that keen on me (growing up my mum would run to her every time I was a standard stroppy teenager who hated her parents, but didn't mention the times I was nice, or any of the goodbits. She always got a very one sided view of me) and I've always felt like she'd never given me a chance. It was made relatively obvious that I wasn't her favourite grandkid by a long shot, I was very much bottom of the heap there. She'd made up her mind about me and that was that. But to come after my parenting like that has touched a nerve. I'm just so angry about it.

Was it your mum who told you what her mum had said?

I would be really angry as well OP. It's her problem and clearly your mother has some issues as well. I personally wouldn't bother contacting her now , not because I believe in the rise above it rubbish , but because she will enjoy having made an impact. People like that do. She won't apologise or change and will simply use it as ammunition to justify her bosom hoiking.

However if she ever contacts you to visit her again I would be replying clarifying that you have no intention of putting yourself out for someone who has been nasty , and made things up and twisted them in order to be judgemental. Then just disconnect.

After a baby the world and its hairdresser think it is ok to make nasty judgements on mothers actions. I firmly believe turning the other cheek is useless because it just allows behaviour to continue unchecked , however I also believe that choose the right moment that has the best chance of resolution for you.

And when your dsis started saying how she really felt bonded to grandma, may call her, travel 6 hours to see her again... Create lovley Xmas calender of them all together at lunch... Would you let your sister carry on like that??

Well we can all ‘what if’ until we’re blue in the face but that would be a further judgement call at the time.

Passing on shitty comments to someone, verbatim, is never done with best intentions IME.

That person either wants to hurt whoever made the comments or the person the comments were made about or both. Which is a bigger issue imo...someone in the family is noting down these comments and using them as it suits them.

Let's be kind. She probably has the beginnings of dementia where she says inappropriate things.

She should be saying that you have a lovely husband and she's so pleased to see you in a great family.

You've definitely done your duty so try to ignore what she said.

What a horrible thing to happen when you had tried to do something nice. I can totally see why it touched a nerve - nothing worse than someone judging your parenting and then generally assassinating your character. There is nothing wrong with your husband doing an afternoons baby graft (hurray for him and well done on giving him the space to crack on). She was needlessly nasty and bitchy - as where the people who told you what she said rather than just quietly defend you. I’m so sorry - you’ve done nothing wrong. I think she’s made her mind up about you OP hence I would move on and leave her to it. Surround yourself with other friends / family who understand and appreciate your huge value xx

I'd be hurt too OP but there's no point saying anything. Just never see her or contact her again.

Sounds like your mum and her were having a bitching session about you, so I wouldn't give them more ammo by giving them a text to dissect together.

And it sounds like your DH had the easy job that day, I'd much rather take baby for a quiet stroll than sit there with a bitchy GMIL!

When you have a baby people think it gives them carte-blanche to judge you and your parenting decisions. Leave it, move on. So she's told a few people she thinks you're rubbish. So what? You're not going to go to all that trouble to go and see her again so just ignore it. You can chose not to be hurt by it. You and your DH know that she is wrong, that's what matters.

@fabulousathome

Let's be kind. She probably has the beginnings of dementia where she says inappropriate things.

She should be saying that you have a lovely husband and she's so pleased to see you in a great family.

You've definitely done your duty so try to ignore what she said.

Some people are toxic and nasty, dementia has nothing to do with it. From what the OP has said, her grandmother's behaviour isn't out of the ordinary for their relationship. So let's be kind and support the OP, instead of trying to defend a horrible woman who doesn't deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt.

I used to leave my husband pretty much to tend to our new baby when I caught up with my family. I did the same for him, when we visited his country and he caught up with his friends. I would not bother saying anything to your relative, she sounds very unpleasant and ungrateful. I'd simply not be wasting my time visiting again.

Well, your mum doesn’t sound very nice either, OP.

Sorry

I’d ignore it all, don’t be drawn by anyone on it, and put it firmly out of your mind. What a horrible grandmother to have.

Okay. Speaks volumes that you mum told you what was said ..whether that was done in spite, in manipulation or what, who knows.

If you speak out to your grandma, it's going to cause a rift between her and your mum too - because you mum will then be 'in trouble' for reporting back to you..but this should make your grandma realise it's not nice to bitch/gossip, as it will always get back, and also maybe your mum will learn not to stir the pot also.

I'd be tempted to send a really gushing/sarcastic email.
It was so lovely to see you after so long, I'm so pleased we drove six hours for the pleasure - especially as the baby cried most of the way - I'm pleased you met my family, you can see what a fantastic hands-on Daddy [husbands name] is and how much he adores our Daughter.
Hopefully we won't leave it so long until we meet again...

Kill the bitch with kindness.
But like you said, your mum is bitchy too. Some people just enjoy moaning for the sake of moaning..then when they get caught out, everyone else is still at fault, rather than them realising that maybe they shouldn't bitch/stir the pot....definitely kill with kindess.
Rise above it, don't waste your precious energy, you are better than that and they are not worth it.

I would hold your head high and move on. You don't need to see this person again and they are missing out on grandkids and great grandkids. It's a shame but it's their loss. You've done nothing wrong, your intentions were good and that's what matters. She will never see that no matter what you do or say so don't give the satisfaction of acknowledging you know/it bothered you.

She sounds mean anyway but there is a generational element that they can't get past. My DH's grandma said to my DH on a call when our baby was 3 weeks old that he should get back to work (he had extended pat leave) and that I would have warm dinners on the table for him every night. He couldn't believe it and neither could I - that wasn't our life before kids let alone when I had a baby glued to my boob 11 hours a day 😂 and this is someone we have a great relationship with!

I'd ignore her. I'd also want to know that other family members told her she was being completely out of line. (Although won't hold my breath as am constantly surprised how often people just go along with this kind of shit and have lost track of the number of times I'm the only one saying, "hang on, WTF? That's not fair." Usually about SIL)

Why does every thread about any grandmother/grandfather being unpleasant always turn into 'they probably have dementia' not everyone has dementia, op hasn't actually even said how old her grandmother is!

I don't think you should respond, but how about DH does? Says what you've said in your OP but from the point that it's what he wanted to do and why, and suggest she keeps her beak out. Send it to your mother and GM, and then back off and don't contact GM again, and keep DM at arm's length.

Rona I do disagree.

Why let someone else waste time thinking about someone when they have been so cruel. Op maybe hurt now, but she knows exactly where she stands.
. Maybe her mum told her to be cruel but op won't be feeling guilty about never seeing her granny hopefully and won't be wasting any more time on the granny after this... Why move through life misguided?

I pity her. As a grandmother I think the relationship between grandmother and granchildren is such a precious one, I don't tell my kids but honestly I think being a grandmother is better than being a mother. She doesn't sound nice and she has the relationship with you that she deserves. I hope your baby has nicer grandmothers, just forget her, she is worth you being upset.

Your DGM is thoroughly unpleasant and to be honest your DM doesn't sound much better.

I think I would take the moral high ground and send a letter saying that that lunch was lovely. Then praise your wonderful DH that he had specifically insisted on you spending uninterrupted time with your DGM to catch up whilst he took charge of your DD. Do not mention her unpleasant comments. Then I would simply back away from her and don't give her another thought it will be her loss not yours.

I can understanding why you are upset, but you should try and let it go. I learned long ago that it doesn’t matter how you behave, when people only want to focus on the negative they will.

There is nothing wrong with your dh taking care of his own dc, so her opinion is flawed from the start. Try and ignore and move on.

Maybe there is a reason your mum didnt maintain a close relationship with them for you. She was protecting you form this type of behaviour. You have chosen a dad for your child who is a co parent (my husband would have done exactly the same) that's to be congratulated not sneered at silly women

I'm sorry you've been blessed with such arseholes. I don't know, what I'd do in that situation, but I understand wanting to let her know that you know and that you take equally as dim a view on her. In fact, maybe that's a good jist of what you should say. 'It has recently come to light that you think I'm a rotten mother, what a relief that our feelings are mutual and we no longer have to live up to the pretence of caring about each other's feelings'.

I'm annoyed on your behalf.

I think the only way you could raise it with her would be to hide behind fake concern for her, 'You should probably know what people are saying behind your back...slagging off my parenting... but I know you wouldn't be saying that as it's incredibly hurtful, and I know you understand the DH was giving me the chance to catch up with you' but I probably wouldn't bother. The people she is saying this to who know you will know the truth of the situation and see her for who she is and those who don't - well stuff them!

If you must send an email send a positive one

"I heard about your comments regarding my parenting and wasn't really surprised. It was lovely of my husband to give us time to chat and catch up without interruptions but I know that some people have a real feeling of sadness and jealousy when they see how loving, attentive and involved my husband is with his family when they didn't get the same level of support from their husbands/fathers. So I do understand where your feelings came from. However, if you have any further comments perhaps you could just keep them to yourself.

And then just go back to not having a relationship with her.

I was just reading thinking how lovely it was your dh took over so you could catch up. This is normal in an equal relationship. I don't have children but my partner will cook and get drinks when my family and friends visit and I'll do the same for him.. More so when we lived away from family and catch ups where more rare. It really does take the stress away so it's lovely of him. It's a shame she can't see this.

Saying something to her won't make a difference. Just keep on doing things as you do.