To say something to my grandmother?

[YellowEllis]

I've never had a close relationship with my grandparents, we live in different areas of the UK several hours apart and growing up we saw them maybe once or twice a year. Since moving out I've never gone up to see them on my own, but I've seen them at family occasions or with my mum in tow, again not close but fine.

I had a baby last year, she emailed me to say congratulations and followed it up with an email about how she guesses she'll never get to meet him as she never sees me. I said to her once he was a little older we'd drive up so she could meet him. I kept this promise, and when he was just 4 months old DH and me drove 6 hours to go and visit her. We took her out for lunch and it was fine. She didn't really seem interested in our baby, she didn't want to hold him which is fine, I hadn't seen her for a couple of years so we caught up. Baby got fussy, so DH took him for a walk around outside in the buggy to calm him down. When I finished my food I had got caught up in conversation with her until she said "well aren't you going to swap so he can eat his dinner?" At which point i of course did.

I've found out since that she has said to several family members and my mum that I did nothing all afternoon, my husband changed all the nappies, looked after the baby (which in her eyes/generation is very much the mothers job) I just sat there and drank wine. She said I've always been lazy and selfish and clearly haven't grown up. She also said I'm exactly the kind of mother she expected me to be, definitely not meaning it as a compliment. Honestly, I'm really upset about it and it's playing on my mind still.

Yes, my husband did take over with the baby that afternoon, to allow me to catch up with my grandmother I hadn't seen for years. To allow me one afternoon off as I was still on maternity leave and at home all day everyday with the baby whilst he works. To look after his own child because he wanted to and didn't often get time off with them. Ok, I should of got up sooner to swap when I'd finished my meal - but I'm really really hurt for her to be so harsh. I drove 6 hours in the car with a baby who hated the car, he screamed and screamed the whole way, just because she guilt tripped me about not meeting him to then not even hold him or really act like she cares.

I have no intentions of taking him to see her again, but I really want to message her and say I know about the comments she's made and I just want to say how much it hurt.

@YellowEllis

Yes it was my mum who relayed it to me. I then spoke to my siblings about it who had confirmed that my grandmother had also said it to them but they didn't want to say and upset me. My mum is very bitchy. They are as bad as each other to be honest. I'm used to my mum, I just didn't expect it from my grandmother after making so much effort I guess. It'll be wasted breath I'm sure but if it would make me stop being angry every time I think of this it would be worth it.

To paraphrase MN - you have a DM problem.

She's shown your GM your 'bad' side while you were growing up (ie typical teenage stuff) and because of the distance, your GM hasn't got to know the real you

Now your mother is stirring the pot again by relaying her comments.

It's your mother you need to set straight. Your grandmother is a lost cause, who thankfully you don't need to see any more.

You have your hands full with a grandmother like that an a mother who would repeat such unpleasantness, in what can only be an intention to hurt you.

Neither are worth your upset.

Be glad your siblings had no wish to hurt you.

You don't see you grandmorther so she's to be pitied more than anything.

However, your mother sounds a real piece of work.

Protect yourself from her.

Nothing to be gained spending time with people whom are happy to repeat comments that can only wound.

Focus on your own family and those that genuinely care about you.

I was bottom of the heap with my grandmother too OP. I can remember the bitchy things she said to me from when I was three.

I think you should say something, it will eat you up otherwise. It might make her realise she was out of line, it might not. On the other hand you might make her be careful what she says in future.

While you are at it tell your mother to bag her head too. Nasty woman that she is.

She’s a horrid old bitch. You know that. Pay no attention and cut her off.

What a stupid thing to say. Why would you drive 6 hours to visit the woman, and then leave her talking to your husband? Presumably she would have complained about that had you taken your baby outside. I guess at DH’s next family wedding I’ll leave him to put the kids to bed, and head to the bar on your grandmother’s advice.

I’d ignore her and avoid in future. She will either be talking you down to people you’ve never met, or to your family who know it’s nonsense. You put yourself out massively for her, and she was horrid in return. No need to bother again if you don’t want to.

In your shoes OP I too would want to say something to your grandmother because I couldn't let it go until I'd had my say.

Think carefully about what you're going to say/message. Write it out and, as pp said, sleep on it, just to make sure you've said all you want to say in the way you want to say it.

You might decide that once you've written it down you won't feel the need to actually message her.

Do what makes you feel best about the situation but be careful not to sound like you're defending yourself and don't get into a dialogue with her. Have your say and even if she messages you back with a grovelling apology, ignore her.

Makes no difference that she's your grandmother, you don't need people like that in your life.

You sound like you are breaking the cycle of un-caring mothers here OP so well done on that, given your upbringing!

Blood is not always thicker than water, you don't have to accept shit from family that you wouldn't from a friend /colleague /stranger etc.

Just know that to any normal person, their comments says a lot more about them than it does you

You can either have it out with her (and your mum) and suffer the repercussions, which might make things a bit awkward with the rest of the family caught in the middle, or be the bigger person I think.

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has already been answered but who in your family told you about your grandmother's judgey comments and why did they do that?

Depends on context. My Grandma was in the early stages of dementia when she said/did something that hurt me bitterly around my son. Had anyone else said it, I would have wiped the floor with them and then some. But I knew my Grandma in health would not have expressed that & I also knew the dementia was far enough that she really wouldn’t grasp the issue. I never took my son to see her again, but I went for as long as she knew me & I didn’t tel her about that issue.

She died a month ago. By the time she died she had forgotten the difference between/meaning of night and day. She suffered far more than enough. I don’t think it would have helped anyone if I’d raised the issue that distressed me at any point.

That’s our context. Yours will be different but I suppose I mean, maybe do a cost-benefit analysis of raising it with her?

She sounds foul. I'm annoyed on your behalf.
I wouldn't bother emailing, just because it will only be more ammunition for her. But I definitely would not be visiting again if she was my grandmother.
Your DH sounds like a keeper though

Not enough time to get into my mum, that would be a whole other thread (if not many, many more)

I'm just angry. I guess you're right and she won't care or change and it gives her more ammunition.

Ammunition to do what?

Slag you off more? Who gives a shit?

The reason you'd give her both barrels is to have your say. Not to get into some back and fro. She slags you off in return - probably to your mum - 'Ooh, poor me, look what your horrible daughter sent me, how nasty' - your mum passes it on to you - you reply 'So what? Yes I did say that. She fully deserved it and every word is true. And she can now fuck off, and you can tell her that from me. I don't want to hear another word about her and I don't give one fuck what she has to say'

Job done. No more power to hurt you - either her, or your mum's nasty tattling.

... and I would also bet that doing that would shut your mother up once and for all too!

Being nice in the face of nasty shitty people gets you NOWHERE. Putting your foot down and letting them know that they get on the wrong side of you then their feet won't touch the floor gets you more peace and quiet, in my experience.

I agree wholeheartedly with FizzyGreenWater turn the other cheek, be the better person lets people like this keep on doing what they have always got away with. They will also be doing it to others since no one pulls them up on their behaviour.

I had this with some family members. Well the shit hit the fan one day, I had reached my limit of being the kicking post. I emailed the whole family and said I would never speak to those who had caused the problems ever again.

I haven’t and those I cut off have said to my other family members they regret what they did. I bet they did, we were a close family and while it was wonderful for them it wasn’t for me.

Ten years later I still don’t care and if I see them, which has been once at my mother’s funeral and one other time, I look straight through them.

Life is too short and I have no regrets.

FizzyGreenWater talking sense there (as usual).